Tuesday, November 20, 2012

She's been like that ever since the Fire Swamp

Where to begin?

I have a dreadful cold. It's in my nose, my sinuses, my ears, my throat, my chest. Dreadful. I caught this cold somewhere, somehow during the last week, which involved air travel, two days in Dis.ney.Wo.rld, two hotels, and a conference filled with thousands of people. It was like the perfect storm of cold-catching.

Perhaps this cold is part of why I'm in this mood. Things should be seeming fairly rosy this week. I'm quite busy at work, which I like; Thanksgiving - the most pie-centric holiday of the year - is this week, and I'm baking at least three pies for the occasion; I just came across The Princess Bride while channel surfing (score!).

But as Westley just said, "We are men of action; lies do not become us." And I feel like I'd be lying to myself if I said I were happy right now.

I had a talk with my mom today. Mostly, I was venting about stuff. The summary of my vent follows:

I want to move forward with learning about adoption. Husband does not.
I am prepared to make sacrifices to meet our financial goals. Husband lives as if he is not.
I want our marriage to involve more time together and for us to have more equal roles. After more than four years, Husband continues to be incapable of doing this. (When we have serious conversations about this, he's all "I swear it shall be done," but we all know how that turns out).

I don't like to complain about my marriage on here. I love Husband so, so much, and I often remind him that if I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't care about how much he was away from me. My mom suggested something that my sister and Novie have both suggested to me before, but that I've never done. Going to a counselor. Husband would not go with me, I've asked him in the past, and I feel like there's no point in talking to someone about my marriage without my partner in marriage. I can be quite objective about things at times, and sometimes when we have our serious talks, I take up two roles: counselor and wife. It can be confusing. And this isn't to say that Husband doesn't try very hard sometimes. He's traveling again and just sent me a big kiss via text. It makes me feel like an ungrateful witch.

But I'm just not happy and I don't know how to fix it. I'd love any thoughts you have. Or chocolate-covered miracle pills. One of those would be good, too.

-January

13 comments:

  1. I think a counselor might be a good idea. Sometimes it's just good to get an outsider's perspective on things. I know a couple of my friends (who have fabulous husbands) went through some tougher times in their marriages and it helped when they could get a different perspective (they didn't do counseling officially, but I believe they did see a mentor couple).

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    1. Thanks. I'll look into what kinds of options are out there.

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  2. Chocolate-covered miracle pills? Yes. please.

    The Man and I go 'round and 'round like this too. It's hard. I think IF makes us think too much, and I know it makes me grasp for control too much. I tend to go back and forth between extreme control and controlling nothing, even the things I need to (like putting laundry away and paying bills).

    Have you thought about instead of counseling doing a novena or nightly prayer together? I need to take my own advice on this so take it with a grain of salt, but consistent prayer together can help to deepen communication and get you moving forward rather than the "big" talks that tend to lead nowhere. (Again, The Man and I are working on this...and if the last week is any indication, failing miserably...)

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    1. It's a great suggestion, the praying together. Unfortunately, we've tried that before, but because Husband doesn't always come home before I go to bed, he missed a lot of nights praying with me, which just made me sad. And because he is not a morning person, the option of doing it in the morning is out too.

      I'm with you on the switching from extreme control to no control even on the important things. Neither makes ya feel good! And I do suspect that part of the reason Husband is SO averse to planning anything now is because IF and some other things in our lives have showed him how not in control he is, so he's decided to live with an "I'm not in control, so I'll live for the moment" philosophy.

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    2. I hear ya on the practical challenges about prayer together- as I said, The Man and I are still working on this (and by working on it, right now, I mean: not doing it).

      For a while it seemed like I was pushing and pushing on the topic of IF, it led to an angry, ugly cry one night...where I really let myself be vulnerable and honest with The Man, more than I ever had. That helped, though it wasn't easy. Also, I've come to realize that The Man is just not a "take charge and lead" kinda guy and that it's OK if I have to start the conversations...I tend to give him time in between, for instance, we've not talked much about it all since my meltdown, but New Year's Day is my "plan" to have another big talk about where we go/what we do next.
      Sorry for rambling, sometimes hearing someone else's thoughts helps me, if you are wondering why I wrote all this, feel free to delete it. :)

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  3. Praying for you and your DH. A counselor might be good, even if you go alone because at least you will be able to share with someone in a raw and honest way. IF is so tough on marriage because all the decisions made about treatments the couple has to be on the same page with and that is not always the case. I know my DH and I had some arguments about when to start learning about adoption. For him he did not want to until we were sure we could not have our own biological child, which I lovingly pointed out to him that that was impossible to know and we could be waiting a very long time. I am working on a recipe for choc. covered miracle pills, once I find it I will gladly share ;)

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    1. Nice!!! I look forward to the recipe!

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  4. A counselor might be a good idea - and maybe if you go by yourself a few times, your DH might take the hint and start coming with you.

    As far as his not wanting to move forward with learning about adoption, I totally understand. Am there, currently doing that. Since we're equally yoked in most other things, I decided to just pray, hope, and not worry. St. Monica and Servant of God Elisabeth Leseur are my spiritual BFFs.

    If I find any chocolate covered miracle pills, I'll make sure we all get one! :)

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    1. You're probably right! It crossed my mind that Husband and I could both benefit from some financial advice that has been tailored to us and our situation. So I might pursue that, too!

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  5. I often wish that I'd gone to a counselor in the throes of IF, especially during the times when those closest to me got pregnant without even trying and then thought it prudent to share their pregnancy "woes" with me. (Still a sore subject, yes?). If DH doesn't want to talk much (my DH didn't), then a counselor will at least listen in a way that DH won't. Talking involves being a good listener.
    Not to push adoption on him, but do you know any IRL people who could share about adoption or any movies (The Blind Side) that could spur him forward? If praying together doesn't always work, pray for his heart or be changed. I will pray with you. Nothing is impossible with God.
    ((((Hugs))))

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    1. This is amazing advice - to pray for your DH. I can't tell you how much things get better, change when I started praying for The Man. Every night before I go to sleep I pray for him. "The Power of a Praying Wife" is a great book - I've skimmed most of it and it really helped me to learn to pray specifically for The Man.

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    2. We don't have any adoptive parent friends OR friends in the area who are adopted, but I so wish we did. When I had him captive in the car on our Thanksgiving drive home yesterday, (mwahaha) I told him that I know he's not ready to go down that path, and that of course I still want bio children (I want any children!), but that I'm going to share with him things that I learn about and hear about adoption so that he can know them too. He seemed amenable to that.

      Also, praying is a great idea. My sweetheart deserves some prayers to come his way!

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  6. I fifth the suggestion to still consider a counselor, even if you are going by yourself. Even for the most objective, it is excruciating to try to be both spouse and counselor at the same time.

    And this is completely "do as I say, not as I do" but going to a counselor *before* you feel like it is totally justified (by being at the end of your rope) is worth a lot.

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