I'm famous in my own mind for having an unpredictable cycle. It has been as short as 27 days, and the longest time it was 40 days. I joked with a nurse that that cycle was “biblical.” My last few cycles though haven’t lasted longer than 33 days, so today, on day 35 (P+16), I’m feeling incredibly emotional. I’ve been analyzing myself and just realized that this emotion is fear.
I’m afraid. Scared to bits. Because this is where the hope really takes off. It’s in my long cycles, like that horrible tease of 40 days, where I let myself believe. Believe that maybe it’s my miracle.
And then it’s not.
Reading other blogs, it’s clear that people fall into two camps, the “POAS Camp” and the “Not Gonna POAS Camp.” I have been a member of the POAS Camp since before we were hoping to achieve a pregnancy. (Let’s be honest, I wanted to achieve one, but Husband wasn’t quite with me, so we were “avoiding”). I don’t have patience. I want to know! I get excited with every day that goes past 28, even though I rarely have a 28 day cycle. I consider daily whether it’s too soon or just right.
And even as I was having that mental wrestling match with myself this morning, I felt afraid. Because every time I POAS, it’s negative. Every blessed time. And I like being in this space of hope, this place where I just might be pregnant. It’s sort of like Schrodinger’s cat, except instead of being dead and alive, I get to be pregnant and not pregnant at the same time.
So I’m fighting with myself. Holding baby J last night, in all his 6lb 5 oz, snuggly, newborn glory, I was fighting with myself. I want to know! I want to PO that darn S and know the answer. But I also want to have another day, another hour, of hoping that my own miracle might be on its way. Yesterday, I thought it might be true. Today, I think it’s probably not so, and that if I POAS, it will just be a waste of money. But if AF hasn’t arrived tomorrow morning, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Will I give in and test? Or will I wait in my twilight space of hope and fear a little bit longer?
I’m praying for you ladies and your intentions today, because I just can’t feel it in me to pray for myself.