I feel like I’m going at little bit crazy right now. And it has nothing to do with the Christmas season.
Ugh, I just don’t know where to start to deal with our IF
situation. Many people, in an attempt to be helpful, tell stories about how
they or their mom or their second cousin’s best friend’s step-sister had
trouble conceiving. But then out of the blue, they conceived and had a baby! On
some levels, those stories are comforting. Their moral: you never know what
might be in store for you, so just hang in there a little bit longer.
Where I’m at right now, though, stories like this are really
throwing me for a loop. Their other moral is: if you don’t do anything, you
could still conceive and have a baby. Now, granted, I and probably many of the
people who tell these stories don’t know everything about the situation.
Treatment may have been sought and it’s likely that this info didn’t get all of
the way to the storyteller. Not everyone wants to share their very personal
experiences with struggling to become a parent.
My conundrum is that I don’t know what we should be doing. I
do think that Husband needs to get the SA done, but after that…I feel lost.
Do I start with 2 months of tamoxifen, as Dr. C has
prescribed? I think I’m hesitant to begin this because I am averse to taking a
medication when I don’t know what the problem is. Then there are the practical
particulars. How many months of medication can we realistically afford? Will
Husband prioritize baby making instead of working during the months that I take
the medication? Will the medicine have side effects that make me an even more
depressed and stressed about this than I already am?
Do I schedule a laparoscopy in a few months? I know that it’s
meant to be investigative, but the idea of having surgery not to heal something
but just to find out if I have a problem seems a little…excessive in some ways.
My dad is a doctor, and in my house if you weren’t experiencing copious blood
loss or raging high fevers, the problem wasn’t really serious enough to merit
attention. Reading about endo doesn’t really help me figure out what to do. I
might have some issues here, things definitely aren’t perfect in my cycle, but
I don’t know if a 40% chance of having endo (which is what Dr. C says I’d have
if Husband’s SA comes back fairly normal) is enough to warrant surgery. Is it?
Oh yeah, and then the cost thing again.
Do I turn to other forms of exploration and treatment here? I
have only ever done the charting you learn from CCL before you get married. My
doctor said the first time that we met that I didn’t need to learn a new
method, but then when I asked her this time, she recommended Marquette. Should
I learn that and buy a fertility monitor? Again, whoa on the upfront and
continuing costs, but I could definitely handle that, especially if it led to a
baby. But does this mean she thinks there isn’t anything really wrong with me
and that Husband and I just have really bad timing? I mean, that’s possible,
especially given how much he works, and how I am not a night owl. But 16 months
of bad timing, even while I was charting religiously? Really?
A lot of bloggers seem to use Creighton. Why is that,
Creighton ladies? And why isn’t the doc recommending it to me?
What if Husband and I just aren’t taking good enough care of
ourselves, in terms of our diet, our sleep habits, our physical fitness? How
much of a factor could that be? Should I dedicate myself to eating the perfect
food, sleeping the perfect amount, getting myself into ideal childbearing
Do I just need to have more faith here? Husband seems to be
so sure that God will bless us with a child in His own time. Am I being
presumptuous by looking to change our lives and our health to try to make it
happen in MY time?
Or another thing that makes me hate myself - am I just afraid? Afraid that pursuing these options will confirm my IF? Afraid that pursuing these options will actually lead to a baby? Afraid of admitting that I don't have faith that things will work out?
Argh! Feeling the tears of frustration here. I just don’t
know what to do.