Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Rant Alert

I feel like I’m going at little bit crazy right now. And it has nothing to do with the Christmas season.

Ugh, I just don’t know where to start to deal with our IF situation. Many people, in an attempt to be helpful, tell stories about how they or their mom or their second cousin’s best friend’s step-sister had trouble conceiving. But then out of the blue, they conceived and had a baby! On some levels, those stories are comforting. Their moral: you never know what might be in store for you, so just hang in there a little bit longer.

Where I’m at right now, though, stories like this are really throwing me for a loop. Their other moral is: if you don’t do anything, you could still conceive and have a baby. Now, granted, I and probably many of the people who tell these stories don’t know everything about the situation. Treatment may have been sought and it’s likely that this info didn’t get all of the way to the storyteller. Not everyone wants to share their very personal experiences with struggling to become a parent.

My conundrum is that I don’t know what we should be doing. I do think that Husband needs to get the SA done, but after that…I feel lost.

Do I start with 2 months of tamoxifen, as Dr. C has prescribed? I think I’m hesitant to begin this because I am averse to taking a medication when I don’t know what the problem is. Then there are the practical particulars. How many months of medication can we realistically afford? Will Husband prioritize baby making instead of working during the months that I take the medication? Will the medicine have side effects that make me an even more depressed and stressed about this than I already am?

Do I schedule a laparoscopy in a few months? I know that it’s meant to be investigative, but the idea of having surgery not to heal something but just to find out if I have a problem seems a little…excessive in some ways. My dad is a doctor, and in my house if you weren’t experiencing copious blood loss or raging high fevers, the problem wasn’t really serious enough to merit attention. Reading about endo doesn’t really help me figure out what to do. I might have some issues here, things definitely aren’t perfect in my cycle, but I don’t know if a 40% chance of having endo (which is what Dr. C says I’d have if Husband’s SA comes back fairly normal) is enough to warrant surgery. Is it? Oh yeah, and then the cost thing again.

Do I turn to other forms of exploration and treatment here? I have only ever done the charting you learn from CCL before you get married. My doctor said the first time that we met that I didn’t need to learn a new method, but then when I asked her this time, she recommended Marquette. Should I learn that and buy a fertility monitor? Again, whoa on the upfront and continuing costs, but I could definitely handle that, especially if it led to a baby. But does this mean she thinks there isn’t anything really wrong with me and that Husband and I just have really bad timing? I mean, that’s possible, especially given how much he works, and how I am not a night owl. But 16 months of bad timing, even while I was charting religiously? Really?

A lot of bloggers seem to use Creighton. Why is that, Creighton ladies? And why isn’t the doc recommending it to me?

What if Husband and I just aren’t taking good enough care of ourselves, in terms of our diet, our sleep habits, our physical fitness? How much of a factor could that be? Should I dedicate myself to eating the perfect food, sleeping the perfect amount, getting myself into ideal childbearing shape?

Do I just need to have more faith here? Husband seems to be so sure that God will bless us with a child in His own time. Am I being presumptuous by looking to change our lives and our health to try to make it happen in MY time?

Or another thing that makes me hate myself - am I just afraid? Afraid that pursuing these options will confirm my IF? Afraid that pursuing these options will actually lead to a baby? Afraid of admitting that I don't have faith that things will work out?

Argh! Feeling the tears of frustration here. I just don’t know what to do.


  1. I know it is all so daunting. And, it gets me so mad when people make comments about other people conceiving "out of the blue." If I had done nothing, maybe a miracle could have happened and we would have had a baby by now. But, I'm glad I did something because it turned out all of my insides were basically glued together with scar tissue. I was using a fertility monitor for two years that was detecting ovulation every month and we were "doing it" at the right time, and a post-coital test had showed my husband's "boys" were ok. All of that time was wasted and those tests meant nothing.

    I use the Creighton model because that is what Dr. Hilgers uses, and he is the founder of this whole system designed to get at the root of what is causing the infertility and not just try to bypass it. The system allows Creighton-trained doctors to be able to diagnose various problems and go about treating them.

  2. These words and the emotions behind them echo in my soul. Ultimately why I switched to Creighton and NaPro was because I knew the IVF was not an option for us and when you call the RE/Fertility Specialist in our town that is the first option you get "IVF Patients press 1" so I moved forward with learning to chart Creighton (I had charted STM prior to Creighton). The other reason was insurance...the NaPro doctors know how to bill things to get them covered...it's not billed as infertility, but rather has irregular cycles or what ever other description is applicable, because ultimately Creighton is about healing what is wrong so that pregnancy will follow naturally. Now, I don't know about all of the meds and other things some of the other ladies talke about {yet?}...but so far so good on insurance coverage for us.

    You will be in my prayers.

  3. oh my, so many questions I could write back with a book! there are always so many unknowns so I definitely feel your confusion at where to start. these are serious issues that its good to think about and not rush into things.
    first things first, change the things you can. if you think your diet and exercise could be improved, I'd do what you can to change it. those 'small things' can have a big impact on your fertility...since fertility is a reflection of your health. plus its a lot easier and less expensive if you don't have to have a surgery!
    but about surgery, you have to think about it like a diagnostic tool. laps are the only way to get a clear idea of the structural issues that may be there. its not that hard of a surgery, although it is still surgery. that's also why a lot of people use Creighton, because Dr. H believes a lot of fertility issues are structurally based. So if you get all the blood/hormone tests (which should prob be done first since they're easier/less intensive) then the other side of it is to get your insides looked at, to diagnosis issues. anyway, i could talk more but i'll stop.
    regarding 'just having more faith'...i really do believe men and women face this burden so differently. men can be patient since being a father is just part of their vocation. for most women, being a mother IS your primary vocation, so just the way you approach the issue of infertility is entirely different than a lack of faith.
    ok, those were probably rhetorical questions so I'll stop now :)

  4. I hate other people's fertility stories! Ugh! I've learned to try and smile, but ignore them after I hear them (or try to, anyway).
    Yes, I think a SA would be good. Rule out your hubby first. He could have a problem and through his diagnosis, you may not have to have a lap.
    I'd agree with the bloodwork, etc. Testing for hormone levels throughout the month will tell the docs if its something out of whack in your hormones. My thyroid was wonky, my progesterone & estrogen low & I had high prolactin levels. All of which don't let you conceive.
    The reason I went with Creighton vs. other methods is (as Matching Moonheads said) something your doctor can read and be familiar with. They can look at your CM you described and see if you have poor ovulation or a post-ovulation defect (I did). Usually the NaPro/Creighton doc will try OTC methods before surgery ... which does work sometimes, so you may not have to have surgery.
    I'd see if you can find a NaPro doc in your area and get in for an appointment & learn to chart. NaPro really makes use of YOUR info vs. the doc just throwing darts at the dartboard randomly and seeing what happens. The NaPro/Creighton method is easy to learn and inexpensive.
    Email me if you have any more questions. I've been doing the Creighton charting for 4 years now, but I'm not a teacher. This is so tough, but don't give up hope. I'd make small changes initially in diet or food, but if you do it all at once, you get burnt out and stop (ahem, me!). You will get answers. Keep the faith! We're here for you, anytime!

  5. my email: www.AllinHisPerfectTiming@gmail.com