I've been using the Marquette method to track my fertility or lack thereof since relations (insert eyebrow wiggle here) resumed postpartum. It's obscenely expensive to buy those little sticks, but I have no confidence in my ability to use any other NFP method. I cannot interpret mucus to save my life.
When you are breastfeeding there's a different protocol than when you're cycling normally, because of how nursing can suppress your fertility. You create an artificial 20 day cycle, for reasons that I only sort of understand but I don't feel confident telling anyone over the internet. For my first couple of "cycles," everything just stayed low. Then they'd start out low, but begin reading high sometime during the cycle, but when I'd trigger a new cycle, they'd go back to low. However, this last time, when I triggered and then tested for a new cycle, they stayed high! This meant we were either in for a long period of abstaining (insert disappointed Husband and January faces here) or I was about to ovulate for real. Just a few days into the "cycle," the monitor indicates that I've peaked! (Insert shocked January face here).
A bunch of questions and feelings that were conveniently tucked away in my postpartum, non-cycling mind are starting to creep out.
I talked to Husband about some of the overarching issues yesterday without getting emotional. And while he specifically said that we didn't need to hash out the whole thing immediately, he was also more receptive of the conversation than I expected him to be. We laid out the scenarios of what could happen if IF happens again, even though it's not like we arrived at any sort of answers. I am quite positive that it's because I was sitting on the floor with G, holding her as she gnawed on my knee and played with some toys, but I was able to be rather dispassionate on the subject of IF.
Knowing myself, that won't last for long, but I am hoping to use this space to sort out my thoughts and any emotions that come along with them.
Love,
January
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Monday, March 24, 2014
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Listening to the Words: Laura Bush and Carly Rae Jepsen
If you've ever read an infertility blog, you are most likely familiar with the following quote from Laura Bush:
The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?
If you ever listened to the radio in 2012, you are certainly familiar with the song "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen.
I realized this week when I heard "Call Me Maybe" for the millionth time that she highlights in her lyrics the same problem that Mrs. Bush points out so eloquently. This is incredibly silly, but stick with me here. She sings, "Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad, you should know that I missed you so, so bad." That phrasing bothers me everytime I hear it, because before someone came into your life, how could you "miss" them? You didn't know them yet!
For the first time, though, it struck me that Carly Rae is just a victim of the same problem that Laura Bush describes. There's no word that works properly in that sentence, and "missing" someone is as close as it gets.
Thanks, pop radio, for that insight into infertility and language. I shall now sing "Call Me Maybe" in my car with slightly less shame and irritation. :)
-January
The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?
If you ever listened to the radio in 2012, you are certainly familiar with the song "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen.
I realized this week when I heard "Call Me Maybe" for the millionth time that she highlights in her lyrics the same problem that Mrs. Bush points out so eloquently. This is incredibly silly, but stick with me here. She sings, "Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad, you should know that I missed you so, so bad." That phrasing bothers me everytime I hear it, because before someone came into your life, how could you "miss" them? You didn't know them yet!
For the first time, though, it struck me that Carly Rae is just a victim of the same problem that Laura Bush describes. There's no word that works properly in that sentence, and "missing" someone is as close as it gets.
Thanks, pop radio, for that insight into infertility and language. I shall now sing "Call Me Maybe" in my car with slightly less shame and irritation. :)
-January
Monday, December 17, 2012
An Advent Miracle!
Friends,
I have tried for almost a week to find the words to share this with you. It turns out they aren't coming, so I am going to just say this. On Tuesday, I got a BFP!!!
My first ever positive pregnancy test! Oh my goodness!
I'm still so shocked that I can't really parse out my emotions quite yet, so I'll give you just the facts, ma'am. I called my OB/GYN's office, and they scheduled me for a routine pregnancy confirmation appointment for the day after Christmas. Fortunately, I left a message for my NaPro doc, who sent a message the next day, "Congratulations! This is wonderful! Now I want you to get your butt in the office immediately for a blood draw." (Ok, that was a paraphrase). So, blood drawn Friday morning, I should get results sometime today. I'm praying so hard that everything is as good as it can be for Tiny January right now.
There is a Tiny January! Oh my goodness!
I only tested because I had just had more than a week of being so very low emotionally that when AF was just a couple of days late, but not even late by pre-surgery-January standards, I wanted to protect myself. I did not want to get all excited and day dreamy, only to end up being crushed even lower. I had one test hanging around from who knows when, and I figured I'd just test and get the negative, and prepare my heart for AF's arrival.
I have never been so shocked in all my life as I was on Tuesday morning. I tested again Wednesday morning, because I was sure that the first test had something wrong with it. All day Tuesday, in my dis-believing fog, all I could think was that other people should be getting their miracles before me. Women whose blogs have supported me for well over a year. Rebecca and JB both posted that they don't have Christmas miracles, and I'm so crushed. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I guess I just want to say that I know I don't deserve this. The primary fact of life that IF has taught me is that you never "deserve" pregnancy or children.
I have been trying to protect my heart - what if the little one doesn't make it? What if my tests were both wrong? What if this is the only time I ever get a BFP? What if the little one is stuck in my remaining tube, and oh that just fills me with so much fear! and on top of that I'd be rendered permanently infertile?
Despite these terrible fears, the joy keeps on bursting through. It's still mostly shock; Husband suggests that it'll get more real for us when we tell more people. I have told a grand total of two folks yet - we've not even told our parents and siblings at this point. November really might be more excited than I am. So, now, my dear friends, I am telling you. A special shout-out to my prayer buddy, you must have been working overtime the moment Advent began! If you all could help me thank God (which I feel even more inadequate to do right now) and pray for the health and safety of this little one (!!!), I would be so grateful.
Love,
January
I have tried for almost a week to find the words to share this with you. It turns out they aren't coming, so I am going to just say this. On Tuesday, I got a BFP!!!
My first ever positive pregnancy test! Oh my goodness!
I'm still so shocked that I can't really parse out my emotions quite yet, so I'll give you just the facts, ma'am. I called my OB/GYN's office, and they scheduled me for a routine pregnancy confirmation appointment for the day after Christmas. Fortunately, I left a message for my NaPro doc, who sent a message the next day, "Congratulations! This is wonderful! Now I want you to get your butt in the office immediately for a blood draw." (Ok, that was a paraphrase). So, blood drawn Friday morning, I should get results sometime today. I'm praying so hard that everything is as good as it can be for Tiny January right now.
There is a Tiny January! Oh my goodness!
I only tested because I had just had more than a week of being so very low emotionally that when AF was just a couple of days late, but not even late by pre-surgery-January standards, I wanted to protect myself. I did not want to get all excited and day dreamy, only to end up being crushed even lower. I had one test hanging around from who knows when, and I figured I'd just test and get the negative, and prepare my heart for AF's arrival.
I have never been so shocked in all my life as I was on Tuesday morning. I tested again Wednesday morning, because I was sure that the first test had something wrong with it. All day Tuesday, in my dis-believing fog, all I could think was that other people should be getting their miracles before me. Women whose blogs have supported me for well over a year. Rebecca and JB both posted that they don't have Christmas miracles, and I'm so crushed. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I guess I just want to say that I know I don't deserve this. The primary fact of life that IF has taught me is that you never "deserve" pregnancy or children.
I have been trying to protect my heart - what if the little one doesn't make it? What if my tests were both wrong? What if this is the only time I ever get a BFP? What if the little one is stuck in my remaining tube, and oh that just fills me with so much fear! and on top of that I'd be rendered permanently infertile?
Despite these terrible fears, the joy keeps on bursting through. It's still mostly shock; Husband suggests that it'll get more real for us when we tell more people. I have told a grand total of two folks yet - we've not even told our parents and siblings at this point. November really might be more excited than I am. So, now, my dear friends, I am telling you. A special shout-out to my prayer buddy, you must have been working overtime the moment Advent began! If you all could help me thank God (which I feel even more inadequate to do right now) and pray for the health and safety of this little one (!!!), I would be so grateful.
Love,
January
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Attack of the Babies!
...or How I Outed Myself as Infertile at November's Halloween Party
Whew! It's been quite a week filled with babies around here. If there's a recipe for me to feel both joyful and distraught, it involves taking my regular life and adding other people's babies.
Carpool Buddy had her baby two Fridays ago. Coworker had her baby this past Friday. All are doing well.
Then there were five children aged 2 and younger at November's Halloween party. There was so much baby/child/labor/nursing/post-partum NFP/"omg we're pregnant with #3" talk going on among the women, at first I was like "Crap! I do not need this." And it just went on and on! Husband and I were the only married couple without kids at the party, and there was only one unmarried couple! I tried to listen respectfully, then I made myself scarce, then finally, aided by a delightful mixed drink of some sort, I dove right in and outed myself.
Ok, so maybe it wasn't quite like "Hey party-goers, I'm infertile." But I made some comment about adoption to November and someone overheard me.
"Are you talking about adoption?"
"Yeah..."
"Are you thinking about adopting?"
"Well, not really right now, but maybe someday. I can't have babies, you see."
What happened next? To my everlasting surprise, no one in this super-fertile, uber-Catholic group pointed and laughed. Nor did they run away in the fear that it might be contagious. They got really quiet. They were curious, but actually respectful.
They asked if we knew it was me, and not Husband. (Yes.) They asked if I was seeing a doctor. (Yes.) They asked if I'd heard of Dr. Hil.gers. (Yes, my doctor trained with him.) (And of course, we don't know if we'll never have babies, but we've been trying for more than two years now, so we're technically infertile.) I told them about my surgery. They asked if I was praying specifically to Our Lady of Guadalupe. (No, actually. I'll have to add her.)
One of these women I've known for several years through Novie, and I always got the impression that she thought something was off about me, because where were my children?! In the end, I think I did this for motives that weren't really pure (are there pure motives for telling people you're IF?). It was to justify myself in this little group of ladies. A sort of announcement that I'm not not having children on purpose. I can talk about reproductive organs and sacrificing your body, too! I just don't have the living, breathing results that you get. Being surrounded by all of that pregnancy talk, having friends with two newborns, playing with those children, I just didn't have the strength to hold it in any more.
Um, plus, did I mention the liquor?
-January
Whew! It's been quite a week filled with babies around here. If there's a recipe for me to feel both joyful and distraught, it involves taking my regular life and adding other people's babies.
Carpool Buddy had her baby two Fridays ago. Coworker had her baby this past Friday. All are doing well.
Then there were five children aged 2 and younger at November's Halloween party. There was so much baby/child/labor/nursing/post-partum NFP/"omg we're pregnant with #3" talk going on among the women, at first I was like "Crap! I do not need this." And it just went on and on! Husband and I were the only married couple without kids at the party, and there was only one unmarried couple! I tried to listen respectfully, then I made myself scarce, then finally, aided by a delightful mixed drink of some sort, I dove right in and outed myself.
Ok, so maybe it wasn't quite like "Hey party-goers, I'm infertile." But I made some comment about adoption to November and someone overheard me.
"Are you talking about adoption?"
"Yeah..."
"Are you thinking about adopting?"
"Well, not really right now, but maybe someday. I can't have babies, you see."
What happened next? To my everlasting surprise, no one in this super-fertile, uber-Catholic group pointed and laughed. Nor did they run away in the fear that it might be contagious. They got really quiet. They were curious, but actually respectful.
They asked if we knew it was me, and not Husband. (Yes.) They asked if I was seeing a doctor. (Yes.) They asked if I'd heard of Dr. Hil.gers. (Yes, my doctor trained with him.) (And of course, we don't know if we'll never have babies, but we've been trying for more than two years now, so we're technically infertile.) I told them about my surgery. They asked if I was praying specifically to Our Lady of Guadalupe. (No, actually. I'll have to add her.)
One of these women I've known for several years through Novie, and I always got the impression that she thought something was off about me, because where were my children?! In the end, I think I did this for motives that weren't really pure (are there pure motives for telling people you're IF?). It was to justify myself in this little group of ladies. A sort of announcement that I'm not not having children on purpose. I can talk about reproductive organs and sacrificing your body, too! I just don't have the living, breathing results that you get. Being surrounded by all of that pregnancy talk, having friends with two newborns, playing with those children, I just didn't have the strength to hold it in any more.
Um, plus, did I mention the liquor?
-January
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Wherein January reveals how bent out of shape she is
I have been jamming out to pop radio as I drove all over hither and yon today. Because of course the office where I work is many miles due east of the city, Dr. C's office is many many miles due west of the city, and that little condo I call home is many many many miles due south of the city.
Anyway, all that driving lets me really get my car dancing on, and I won't pretend that I don't enjoy that aspect of it.
Here's the skinny:
Nothing has changed. Dr. C gave me a scrip for tamoxifen. Again. We're exactly where we were in January. But down by one ovary. Holy crap. I'm pissed off.
Dr. C sounds confident because "there's really no reason you shouldn't be getting pregnant." Um, except we haven't been getting pregnant. For two years. I don't see how this calls for optimism. At least if she thought there were other things to investigate, we'd have new possibilities. If I had an actual problem, we could be attacking it.
But no.
It's still, "you've been ovulating but I'm prescribing the tamoxifen to give the ovulation a little boost." And this time she says that if in a year I'm not pregnant, we can try clomid or femara or injectables. Urghhh. In January, she specifically said that if nothing else was wrong, we should be pregnant using the tamoxifen within 6 months. Well it turns out nothing was wrong that should actually cause me to be infertile. And yet, I remain infertile.
I feel like our lives are so stagnant. We have no children, we've been working in the same places for the last 6 years, we can't afford to buy a house, we have stupid amounts of debt anyway. I'm sorry, who is living my life? Because it sure looks like I'm not. I tried to talk about this with Husband tonight when I called him, but he flat out refused to. So, oh yeah, now Husband and I are in a fight. Excellent.
I am just so, so angry.
-Jan
Anyway, all that driving lets me really get my car dancing on, and I won't pretend that I don't enjoy that aspect of it.
Here's the skinny:
Nothing has changed. Dr. C gave me a scrip for tamoxifen. Again. We're exactly where we were in January. But down by one ovary. Holy crap. I'm pissed off.
Dr. C sounds confident because "there's really no reason you shouldn't be getting pregnant." Um, except we haven't been getting pregnant. For two years. I don't see how this calls for optimism. At least if she thought there were other things to investigate, we'd have new possibilities. If I had an actual problem, we could be attacking it.
But no.
It's still, "you've been ovulating but I'm prescribing the tamoxifen to give the ovulation a little boost." And this time she says that if in a year I'm not pregnant, we can try clomid or femara or injectables. Urghhh. In January, she specifically said that if nothing else was wrong, we should be pregnant using the tamoxifen within 6 months. Well it turns out nothing was wrong that should actually cause me to be infertile. And yet, I remain infertile.
I feel like our lives are so stagnant. We have no children, we've been working in the same places for the last 6 years, we can't afford to buy a house, we have stupid amounts of debt anyway. I'm sorry, who is living my life? Because it sure looks like I'm not. I tried to talk about this with Husband tonight when I called him, but he flat out refused to. So, oh yeah, now Husband and I are in a fight. Excellent.
I am just so, so angry.
-Jan
Monday, August 27, 2012
Oncology Appointment***
Sorry for the boring title. I'm not sure what to post, but do I want to give you an update.
As it says, I had my appointment with the oncologist, Dr. R, this morning. One of the first things he wanted to make clear was that I do not have cancer. The tumor they found was a low malignancy potential (LMP or borderline) tumor. He said that Dr. C only partially excised the tumor. If we left things as they are, the chance of this developing into a malignant cancer is 17%.
The plan at this time is to have another surgery, during which he will remove my right ovary (the one that the tumor was attached to) and tube, some lymph nodes on that side, and the omenum. He'll biopsy my left ovary, colon, uterus, and probably everything he possibly can while he's in there. By removing my right ovary and tube, he says that the chance of my developing malignant cancer from this should be reduced to about 5%.
Those are good odds for not getting cancer. Not perfect, but pretty darn good. I will say that I am incredibly relieved that I don’t have cancer.
Of course, that’s not the end of the story. I’m worried that Dr. R will find something bad or possibly worse somewhere inside of me, and want to take out my left ovary as well. He said that when I “finish” having children, I will need to get a total hysterectomy. Rationally, I understand that not getting cancer and getting to keep my life is in the grand scheme more important than having biological children, but who said anything about my being rational? Hearing all of this causes my infertile heart to break. I’ve been assured that having one ovary should not affect my fecundity, but given that I have been the opposite of fecund up to this point, I can’t help but be distressed by the idea of cutting out part of my reproductive system. What if I develop more tumors before I manage to have any children? The idea of having a hysterectomy ever just makes me feel sick, and the idea of having one before I have children makes me want to roll the dice with the 17% odds.
Sweet Lord, I just do not know what to think. Please teach me how to accept this burden, for I am so afraid.
***Updated
Thought I should let you know that I after I poured out all my fears and worries here, I had a talk with Husband as he tucked me into bed last night, and it made me feel a lot more steady. He reminded me that we're still in ultimate control of my care, and can make decisions when we are ready to with the full information we have at the time. Thank goodness for him! I was getting really hysterical there for a bit. Gotta love my sweetheart.
-January
As it says, I had my appointment with the oncologist, Dr. R, this morning. One of the first things he wanted to make clear was that I do not have cancer. The tumor they found was a low malignancy potential (LMP or borderline) tumor. He said that Dr. C only partially excised the tumor. If we left things as they are, the chance of this developing into a malignant cancer is 17%.
The plan at this time is to have another surgery, during which he will remove my right ovary (the one that the tumor was attached to) and tube, some lymph nodes on that side, and the omenum. He'll biopsy my left ovary, colon, uterus, and probably everything he possibly can while he's in there. By removing my right ovary and tube, he says that the chance of my developing malignant cancer from this should be reduced to about 5%.
Those are good odds for not getting cancer. Not perfect, but pretty darn good. I will say that I am incredibly relieved that I don’t have cancer.
Of course, that’s not the end of the story. I’m worried that Dr. R will find something bad or possibly worse somewhere inside of me, and want to take out my left ovary as well. He said that when I “finish” having children, I will need to get a total hysterectomy. Rationally, I understand that not getting cancer and getting to keep my life is in the grand scheme more important than having biological children, but who said anything about my being rational? Hearing all of this causes my infertile heart to break. I’ve been assured that having one ovary should not affect my fecundity, but given that I have been the opposite of fecund up to this point, I can’t help but be distressed by the idea of cutting out part of my reproductive system. What if I develop more tumors before I manage to have any children? The idea of having a hysterectomy ever just makes me feel sick, and the idea of having one before I have children makes me want to roll the dice with the 17% odds.
Sweet Lord, I just do not know what to think. Please teach me how to accept this burden, for I am so afraid.
***Updated
Thought I should let you know that I after I poured out all my fears and worries here, I had a talk with Husband as he tucked me into bed last night, and it made me feel a lot more steady. He reminded me that we're still in ultimate control of my care, and can make decisions when we are ready to with the full information we have at the time. Thank goodness for him! I was getting really hysterical there for a bit. Gotta love my sweetheart.
-January
Sunday, August 5, 2012
In which Jan shares TMI
I keep thinking my upcoming diagnostic laparoscopy. I know that it’s minor surgery, but I am kind of getting freaked out. What if something goes wrong? What if I’m a mess in there and require way more serious surgery? What if the doctor doesn’t find anything wrong, what then? What if a minor cleanup is all that’s required and we actually get pregnant and have a baby?!
I know I have to calm down about it; it’s just another step on this journey. I’m just sort of convinced that something worse/more is going on than my NaPro doctor suspects. I have recurrent infections, which worries me. I’ve been susceptible to them since hitting puberty, but when I’ve gone to the doctor to get them diagnosed/treated lately, they often say they don’t find anything “but you do have a red spot here. Hmmm.” Thanks, that’s helpful. I told Dr. C about my infections when I first gave her my medical history, and she doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Something is wrong! I can feel it, and I’m not a hypochondriac.
And another thing that worries me is that last year I started having what Dr. C says is ovulation pain. It’s basically extreme tenderness in my lower abdomen starting with the day I ovulate. Sometimes it lasts for only a day or two, but sometimes (like right now) it lasts for a week or two. I can feel it all the time, and if I push on my stomach or drive over speed bumps (of which there are one dozen in my neighborhood), oof! The pain! Needless to say, when that’s happening, Husband and I are not getting any action in the bedroom.
All of this just makes me feel extra broken. I have felt a lot better over the last few months that maybe it just isn’t in God’s plan for us to have children, or to have biological children, or to have children right now. It still hurts my heart sometimes, but I feel more at peace than I used to. But all of this stuff with my body, the physical pain, it just makes me feel broken. When I have to keep telling Husband that we can’t make love because I think I have an infection or my insides just hurt too much, it’s extra frustrating, and it makes me feel like a bad partner in our marriage.
Finally, I realized that, lately, I haven’t been praying nearly as much as I used to. Even though I try my best to praise God through my prayers more than asking Him for things, as the months have gone on (we’ll be at two years of TTC on our 4th anniversary in a week and a half) and He hasn’t answered my prayers for a child, it makes me feel silly to keep asking. And I think that the asking part was what was giving me the impetus to pray.
I guess that last part is the only one I can fix on my own. Anyone have any favorite prayers you’d like to share to get me going? I love learning new prayers! And I plan on joining the St. Rita novena for JB on Monday.
St. Cosmas, pray for us!
Mother of Mercy, pray for us!
-January
I know I have to calm down about it; it’s just another step on this journey. I’m just sort of convinced that something worse/more is going on than my NaPro doctor suspects. I have recurrent infections, which worries me. I’ve been susceptible to them since hitting puberty, but when I’ve gone to the doctor to get them diagnosed/treated lately, they often say they don’t find anything “but you do have a red spot here. Hmmm.” Thanks, that’s helpful. I told Dr. C about my infections when I first gave her my medical history, and she doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Something is wrong! I can feel it, and I’m not a hypochondriac.
And another thing that worries me is that last year I started having what Dr. C says is ovulation pain. It’s basically extreme tenderness in my lower abdomen starting with the day I ovulate. Sometimes it lasts for only a day or two, but sometimes (like right now) it lasts for a week or two. I can feel it all the time, and if I push on my stomach or drive over speed bumps (of which there are one dozen in my neighborhood), oof! The pain! Needless to say, when that’s happening, Husband and I are not getting any action in the bedroom.
All of this just makes me feel extra broken. I have felt a lot better over the last few months that maybe it just isn’t in God’s plan for us to have children, or to have biological children, or to have children right now. It still hurts my heart sometimes, but I feel more at peace than I used to. But all of this stuff with my body, the physical pain, it just makes me feel broken. When I have to keep telling Husband that we can’t make love because I think I have an infection or my insides just hurt too much, it’s extra frustrating, and it makes me feel like a bad partner in our marriage.
Finally, I realized that, lately, I haven’t been praying nearly as much as I used to. Even though I try my best to praise God through my prayers more than asking Him for things, as the months have gone on (we’ll be at two years of TTC on our 4th anniversary in a week and a half) and He hasn’t answered my prayers for a child, it makes me feel silly to keep asking. And I think that the asking part was what was giving me the impetus to pray.
I guess that last part is the only one I can fix on my own. Anyone have any favorite prayers you’d like to share to get me going? I love learning new prayers! And I plan on joining the St. Rita novena for JB on Monday.
St. Cosmas, pray for us!
Mother of Mercy, pray for us!
-January
Thursday, July 19, 2012
A letter to my mother
Dear Mom,
I want you to have grandchildren. I want you to have grandchildren who are my children! I love that you try your best to understand what I'm going through with this journey, and that you respect our decision to take the Catholic road.
Despite my trying to be strong, which I know you want me to be, sometimes seeing how my lack of babies affects your life makes me sadder than just thinking about how it affects my life. At your birthday party this year, you picked up my cousin's daughter to help you blow out the candles on your cake. If I had managed to conceive back when we started trying, you'd have had a different toddler to pick up, a grandchild of your own, not your brother's. You've started volunteering by reading books to nursery school children, showing both your love of literacy and your love of little kids. If you had grandchildren, you'd be spending time with them snuggled up in your lap while your finger traces the words on the pages. Rationally, I know that these things in your life already make you happy. Is it silly to think that grandchildren would make you happier?
I am sorry for my petty response when we were talking about another cousin getting pregnant. Because she's been trying for exactly as long as me, I should know how much of a blessing this is for her and her husband. But it does hurt me, more than other friends' pregnancies, and I'm still trying to figure out why. We've always had a weird sort of relationship, we girl cousins. I guess I didn't really know it was a competition until she and her sisters boycotted my wedding shower. But now that I know, this cousin has clearly won the baby race.
And then there's my Grandma, your mother. I love her soooo much, and I want her to meet my babies. She's going to be so happy for this new great-grandchild--I want to bring her that happiness, too! I know that it's going to hurt me to see her be happy, and that is the most selfish part of this. That is why I am just not right with this yet. I will do my best to work towards handling this better. I will be strong like you want me to be, and I'll even make every effort to go to the baby shower.
I love you, Mom.
Always yours,
January
I want you to have grandchildren. I want you to have grandchildren who are my children! I love that you try your best to understand what I'm going through with this journey, and that you respect our decision to take the Catholic road.
Despite my trying to be strong, which I know you want me to be, sometimes seeing how my lack of babies affects your life makes me sadder than just thinking about how it affects my life. At your birthday party this year, you picked up my cousin's daughter to help you blow out the candles on your cake. If I had managed to conceive back when we started trying, you'd have had a different toddler to pick up, a grandchild of your own, not your brother's. You've started volunteering by reading books to nursery school children, showing both your love of literacy and your love of little kids. If you had grandchildren, you'd be spending time with them snuggled up in your lap while your finger traces the words on the pages. Rationally, I know that these things in your life already make you happy. Is it silly to think that grandchildren would make you happier?
I am sorry for my petty response when we were talking about another cousin getting pregnant. Because she's been trying for exactly as long as me, I should know how much of a blessing this is for her and her husband. But it does hurt me, more than other friends' pregnancies, and I'm still trying to figure out why. We've always had a weird sort of relationship, we girl cousins. I guess I didn't really know it was a competition until she and her sisters boycotted my wedding shower. But now that I know, this cousin has clearly won the baby race.
And then there's my Grandma, your mother. I love her soooo much, and I want her to meet my babies. She's going to be so happy for this new great-grandchild--I want to bring her that happiness, too! I know that it's going to hurt me to see her be happy, and that is the most selfish part of this. That is why I am just not right with this yet. I will do my best to work towards handling this better. I will be strong like you want me to be, and I'll even make every effort to go to the baby shower.
I love you, Mom.
Always yours,
January
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Quick Update
I just want to quickly share the update from my NaPro appointment last week.
Husband is officially fine! I'm pretty relieved this is all on me, frankly. Husband told me he kind of wished something was wrong with him, I think because he doesn't want me carrying all the weight of our problems conceiving on my shoulders. But, I figure it is way easier to just work on fixing one person, and the woman at that, than two people.
My peak +7 blood draw revealed excellent progesterone, but oddly low estrogen, given that I was on tamoxifen that cycle. The doctor said she couldn't understand why my estrogen would drop below what it had been when I was on a lower dose of the medicine.
I'm currently on my first tamoxifen-free cycle in 5 months, and am already in the two-week wait. How time does fly!
The big news is that we've all (me, Husband, and Dr. C) decided it's time to do the diagnostic laparoscopy (she'll laser off any endo she can see while she's in there). It hasn't been totally confirmed across all channels yet, but we're looking at August 21st. I'm nervous about it, but I also feel ready. I am thankful that Dr. C understood that the lap wasn't something I wanted to rush into, and tried to treat the one thing she could tell was wrong for sure, my luteal phase deficiency.
There's a little part of me that hoping that I'll get pregnant before the surgery, but the realistic part of me knows that it's unlikely. Regardless, I am ready to take the next step to figure out what is going on and work towards clearing this up. Husband and I have talked a little bit about when it will be time to stop trying altogether, but we agreed that the time hasn't come yet. Hopefully we'll be getting more answers from this surgery and have more things to work on.
-January
Husband is officially fine! I'm pretty relieved this is all on me, frankly. Husband told me he kind of wished something was wrong with him, I think because he doesn't want me carrying all the weight of our problems conceiving on my shoulders. But, I figure it is way easier to just work on fixing one person, and the woman at that, than two people.
My peak +7 blood draw revealed excellent progesterone, but oddly low estrogen, given that I was on tamoxifen that cycle. The doctor said she couldn't understand why my estrogen would drop below what it had been when I was on a lower dose of the medicine.
I'm currently on my first tamoxifen-free cycle in 5 months, and am already in the two-week wait. How time does fly!
The big news is that we've all (me, Husband, and Dr. C) decided it's time to do the diagnostic laparoscopy (she'll laser off any endo she can see while she's in there). It hasn't been totally confirmed across all channels yet, but we're looking at August 21st. I'm nervous about it, but I also feel ready. I am thankful that Dr. C understood that the lap wasn't something I wanted to rush into, and tried to treat the one thing she could tell was wrong for sure, my luteal phase deficiency.
There's a little part of me that hoping that I'll get pregnant before the surgery, but the realistic part of me knows that it's unlikely. Regardless, I am ready to take the next step to figure out what is going on and work towards clearing this up. Husband and I have talked a little bit about when it will be time to stop trying altogether, but we agreed that the time hasn't come yet. Hopefully we'll be getting more answers from this surgery and have more things to work on.
-January
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Be Not Afraid, part 2
I mentioned in my last post that I really connected with the song Be Not Afraid for the first time ever at Mass on Father's Day. I've always loved the song, but I never felt like it applied to me.
Until now.
"You shall cross the barren desert, but you shall not die of thirst."
Barren desert? Yep, that is exactly where I am. In a desert of barrenness. Now, I will admit that I have become hypersensitive to fertility-related language over the last year. But words are important. We use particular words for particular reasons. It's not just any old desert, a mostly dry kinda place; it's a barren desert. The song which I've sung so many times got my full attention because of that one little word: barren. I was tuned in. Good thing too, because the second half of that sentence is a promise.
You shall not die of thirst. He isn't going to let that happen. I am making my way through the desert, and it is everything horrible about being a desert, but I shall not die of thirst. This isn't going to kill me. Being infertile, being barren is not going to kill me. I will thirst powerfully, but God promises that this thirst won't kill me. He will bring me through, not matter what happens, no matter whether we leave the desert in this lifetime.
I hope you find that thought comforting, because it has in fact been comforting me. I have a discomfitting story to share, but then I'll come back to this metaphor, ok? Ok.
Just as my pregdar tells me when someone might be expecting, apparently it also helps me figure out who is experiencing fertility issues around me. An acquaintance of mine from a long time ago had some posts on facebook that made me suspicious that she was having some trouble having a baby. So, I wrote her a message and asked if everything was ok. She confirmed my suspicion that she has infertility, but told me something so shocking. Her husband left her after three years of marriage, because she can't have children.
Not cool, dude, not cool.
Now, I am not close with this woman, and who knows what the other factors might have been, but wow, I had never really considered before what it would be like if Husband were so anxious to have children that he'd leave me in order to do it. He has assured me that he married me because he loved me, and that he won't leave me even if my baby-making potential remains very low. Whew! I would just ask that you say a quick prayer for this young woman, as she is preparing to marry someone new and see if they can figure out the fertility puzzles in their lives.
How does this circle back around to the song?
Well, at Mass this past Sunday, the psalm we sang was simple and lovely: I will praise you Lord for I am wonderfully made.
How hard it is to remember that sometimes on this journey through the barren desert! I am wonderfully made. I'm not a mistake. My health issues do not define me in God's eyes. I may be IN a barren desert, but I myself am NOT a barren desert. I am wonderfully made. That applies to all of us, no matter what we have "wrong" with us physically or mentally or emotionally. People on earth may not recognize it, spouses who have promised to care for us in sickness and in health may not keep their promises, but we are WONDERFULLY made.
-January
P.S. You have probably noticed that I can quote church music like crazy, but the Bible or Catechism, not so much. What can I say? I'm a vocalist! And those who sing pray twice, right? Right?!
Until now.
"You shall cross the barren desert, but you shall not die of thirst."
Barren desert? Yep, that is exactly where I am. In a desert of barrenness. Now, I will admit that I have become hypersensitive to fertility-related language over the last year. But words are important. We use particular words for particular reasons. It's not just any old desert, a mostly dry kinda place; it's a barren desert. The song which I've sung so many times got my full attention because of that one little word: barren. I was tuned in. Good thing too, because the second half of that sentence is a promise.
You shall not die of thirst. He isn't going to let that happen. I am making my way through the desert, and it is everything horrible about being a desert, but I shall not die of thirst. This isn't going to kill me. Being infertile, being barren is not going to kill me. I will thirst powerfully, but God promises that this thirst won't kill me. He will bring me through, not matter what happens, no matter whether we leave the desert in this lifetime.
I hope you find that thought comforting, because it has in fact been comforting me. I have a discomfitting story to share, but then I'll come back to this metaphor, ok? Ok.
Just as my pregdar tells me when someone might be expecting, apparently it also helps me figure out who is experiencing fertility issues around me. An acquaintance of mine from a long time ago had some posts on facebook that made me suspicious that she was having some trouble having a baby. So, I wrote her a message and asked if everything was ok. She confirmed my suspicion that she has infertility, but told me something so shocking. Her husband left her after three years of marriage, because she can't have children.
Not cool, dude, not cool.
Now, I am not close with this woman, and who knows what the other factors might have been, but wow, I had never really considered before what it would be like if Husband were so anxious to have children that he'd leave me in order to do it. He has assured me that he married me because he loved me, and that he won't leave me even if my baby-making potential remains very low. Whew! I would just ask that you say a quick prayer for this young woman, as she is preparing to marry someone new and see if they can figure out the fertility puzzles in their lives.
How does this circle back around to the song?
Well, at Mass this past Sunday, the psalm we sang was simple and lovely: I will praise you Lord for I am wonderfully made.
How hard it is to remember that sometimes on this journey through the barren desert! I am wonderfully made. I'm not a mistake. My health issues do not define me in God's eyes. I may be IN a barren desert, but I myself am NOT a barren desert. I am wonderfully made. That applies to all of us, no matter what we have "wrong" with us physically or mentally or emotionally. People on earth may not recognize it, spouses who have promised to care for us in sickness and in health may not keep their promises, but we are WONDERFULLY made.
-January
P.S. You have probably noticed that I can quote church music like crazy, but the Bible or Catechism, not so much. What can I say? I'm a vocalist! And those who sing pray twice, right? Right?!
Monday, June 18, 2012
CD2, I mean, Father's Day
Husband and I had a great Father's Day weekend. We celebrated not only Father's Day with both of our dads, but also Nephew's birthday (I can't believe he's five already!) and my dad's birthday. It was a big one, a nice round number, so my mom planned a special surprise for him. We went to a racetrack (yes, one where they hold Nascar Sprint Cup races) and Dad and some of the family got to drive race cars! I could write a whole post about that - and I might - but the highlight for me was hearing my dad say over and over, "This is the best birthday ever!" In addition to driving the cars and riding in the cars with a professional driver, he may have felt that way because we had delicious crabs, bbq, the best broccoli salad (yes that's what it's called), and coconut cream pie. I didn't get in a race car, but I had a lot of fun all the same! Husband said it was one of the coolest things he's ever done in his life.
--
I was hoping that I would be getting to tell Husband that he'd be a dad for Father's Day, but obviously that didn't happen. For the first time in at least 6 months, probably longer, I used a test. I didn't want to just wait and wait for my period to show up, being teased the whole time. Well, I believed the test when it was negative on P+15, but that didn't end up being the end of the cycle. Neither did the next day. So of course I got hopeful that I had tested too early. But Saturday morning, I woke up to cramps and Aunt Flo's arrival. It was a bummer.
We have an appointment with Dr. C this coming Monday, but I need to call the office this morning to see if she wants me to be on tamoxifen this cycle, because if she does, I'll need to get the scrip today. The question I've been debating is when we should be planning for me to have surgery. We're supposed to go to the beach for a week in July with my family, then I have conferences for a week for each month of the late summer and fall. With my cycle being entirely unpredictable, there isn't a way for me to know ahead of time where my cycle will be between any of these periods of time. I think the cycle I'm in right now might be a wash, but I don't know when we'll be taking the next step. I don't want to miss more work than I am already expecting to. Goodness knows, my boss doesn't like me very much as it is.
--
At mass on Sunday, as usual, we prayed for "fathers and those who father" during the intercessions. But THEN we prayed for "the fatherless, those who long to father, and fathers who have lost a child." I was SO comforted to hear those words. When I saw my mom later in the day, she commented that she had heard them too and been very happy. Why had this pleased her? Because she just finished reading The Infertility Companion for Catholics, by Angelique Ruhi-Lopez and Carmen Santamaria! I had recommended it to her, because she wanted more information about infertility and about how Husband and I would be approaching it as Catholics striving to be faithful to God. She said it was so informative and helped her to understand so much better everything we are going through. Hearing her say that made me so happy! The book has come home with me, and I cannot wait to read it.
I hope you all had a good Father's Day weekend, too!
-January
--
I was hoping that I would be getting to tell Husband that he'd be a dad for Father's Day, but obviously that didn't happen. For the first time in at least 6 months, probably longer, I used a test. I didn't want to just wait and wait for my period to show up, being teased the whole time. Well, I believed the test when it was negative on P+15, but that didn't end up being the end of the cycle. Neither did the next day. So of course I got hopeful that I had tested too early. But Saturday morning, I woke up to cramps and Aunt Flo's arrival. It was a bummer.
We have an appointment with Dr. C this coming Monday, but I need to call the office this morning to see if she wants me to be on tamoxifen this cycle, because if she does, I'll need to get the scrip today. The question I've been debating is when we should be planning for me to have surgery. We're supposed to go to the beach for a week in July with my family, then I have conferences for a week for each month of the late summer and fall. With my cycle being entirely unpredictable, there isn't a way for me to know ahead of time where my cycle will be between any of these periods of time. I think the cycle I'm in right now might be a wash, but I don't know when we'll be taking the next step. I don't want to miss more work than I am already expecting to. Goodness knows, my boss doesn't like me very much as it is.
--
At mass on Sunday, as usual, we prayed for "fathers and those who father" during the intercessions. But THEN we prayed for "the fatherless, those who long to father, and fathers who have lost a child." I was SO comforted to hear those words. When I saw my mom later in the day, she commented that she had heard them too and been very happy. Why had this pleased her? Because she just finished reading The Infertility Companion for Catholics, by Angelique Ruhi-Lopez and Carmen Santamaria! I had recommended it to her, because she wanted more information about infertility and about how Husband and I would be approaching it as Catholics striving to be faithful to God. She said it was so informative and helped her to understand so much better everything we are going through. Hearing her say that made me so happy! The book has come home with me, and I cannot wait to read it.
I hope you all had a good Father's Day weekend, too!
-January
Friday, June 1, 2012
Why We Blog Together: January
November and I have been discussing friendship, particularly between someone dealing with infertility and a mama. We've both written out some of our thoughts on how we maintain our friendship and why we blog together. Below are my thoughts. We would love to hear your own thoughts on friendship!
--
Lately, it seems like a lot of IFers online and quite a few of my friends in real life are becoming mothers. This is a wonderful and beautiful thing, and though it causes pain and jealousy in my own heart, I want to do nothing to lessen the joy of the occasion for them.
In fact, one of my biggest worries, particularly with my IRL friends, is that we won’t stay friends. I know rationally that my friendships are not currently based on our being parents or not; and I know that we could fall away from each other even if we were both having kids or neither of us were having kids. However, all IFers and former IFers know that there is a line that gets crossed when your friend becomes a mother, and no matter what you do, you can’t quite get over to your friend’s side.
I want my friends and family members with babies on the way to know that I’m still there for them. I will stand as close to them as I can from my side of the line and continue to offer my friendship. I know that our relationships are bound to change, but I do not want to lose them! (This is starting to feel like a battle speech where I’m riding a horse and raising my sword, hehe).
To that end, November’s and my blogging together is something of an experiment. We want to show each other and others how we stand close to each other on our respective sides of the line; that we can be good friends and support each other through everything.
Now, I know that it is not easy for an infertile girl to read about others getting pregnant and having babies and to see pictures and videos of first teeth and first birthdays. On the other hand, how tiresome it must be for those who conceive easily to read about poor mucus quality and medicine and the seemingly unending sadness. I suspect that our blog is not fun for very many people to read – the combo of mom stuff and IF stuff probably doesn’t fit a lot of people that well. We try to write about more than our respective places on the fertility spectrum, but I know that the vast majority of my ramblings take on a distinctly IF theme! (What can I say – ya’ll are my support group in a fertile, fertile, IVF world!).
Being close friends with November connects me more closely to motherhood. I love that she knows that I care about her and her family, and that she shares with me life’s triumphs and stresses. I admit that I’ve lived vicariously through her labors, her sweet newborns, and her sleepless nights. She doesn’t keep her motherhood behind her in our friendship; we meet each other at the line and she brings her babies for me to hold and play with. I love her for listening to me cry and complain about being infertile for, gosh, it would probably be three weeks of her life if all of those moments were laid side by side. I’m overjoyed when I see that bloggers who have connected with us while they were ttc or waiting to adopt have now become mothers, and that these ladies can now relate to Novie’s posts in a concrete way.
IFers will always need other IF friends, other waiting friends, because if you haven’t been through it, you cannot stand on our side of the line, and it can be such a lonely place. But I hereby declare that I will not let go of my friends who have crossed over and become mothers. Please don’t be afraid to stand close to the line. I will join you there.
-January
--
Lately, it seems like a lot of IFers online and quite a few of my friends in real life are becoming mothers. This is a wonderful and beautiful thing, and though it causes pain and jealousy in my own heart, I want to do nothing to lessen the joy of the occasion for them.
In fact, one of my biggest worries, particularly with my IRL friends, is that we won’t stay friends. I know rationally that my friendships are not currently based on our being parents or not; and I know that we could fall away from each other even if we were both having kids or neither of us were having kids. However, all IFers and former IFers know that there is a line that gets crossed when your friend becomes a mother, and no matter what you do, you can’t quite get over to your friend’s side.
I want my friends and family members with babies on the way to know that I’m still there for them. I will stand as close to them as I can from my side of the line and continue to offer my friendship. I know that our relationships are bound to change, but I do not want to lose them! (This is starting to feel like a battle speech where I’m riding a horse and raising my sword, hehe).
To that end, November’s and my blogging together is something of an experiment. We want to show each other and others how we stand close to each other on our respective sides of the line; that we can be good friends and support each other through everything.
Now, I know that it is not easy for an infertile girl to read about others getting pregnant and having babies and to see pictures and videos of first teeth and first birthdays. On the other hand, how tiresome it must be for those who conceive easily to read about poor mucus quality and medicine and the seemingly unending sadness. I suspect that our blog is not fun for very many people to read – the combo of mom stuff and IF stuff probably doesn’t fit a lot of people that well. We try to write about more than our respective places on the fertility spectrum, but I know that the vast majority of my ramblings take on a distinctly IF theme! (What can I say – ya’ll are my support group in a fertile, fertile, IVF world!).
Being close friends with November connects me more closely to motherhood. I love that she knows that I care about her and her family, and that she shares with me life’s triumphs and stresses. I admit that I’ve lived vicariously through her labors, her sweet newborns, and her sleepless nights. She doesn’t keep her motherhood behind her in our friendship; we meet each other at the line and she brings her babies for me to hold and play with. I love her for listening to me cry and complain about being infertile for, gosh, it would probably be three weeks of her life if all of those moments were laid side by side. I’m overjoyed when I see that bloggers who have connected with us while they were ttc or waiting to adopt have now become mothers, and that these ladies can now relate to Novie’s posts in a concrete way.
IFers will always need other IF friends, other waiting friends, because if you haven’t been through it, you cannot stand on our side of the line, and it can be such a lonely place. But I hereby declare that I will not let go of my friends who have crossed over and become mothers. Please don’t be afraid to stand close to the line. I will join you there.
-January
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Why we blog together: November
January and I have been discussing friendship, particularly between someone dealing with infertility, and a mama. We've both written out some of our thoughts on how we maintain our friendship and why we blog together. Here are my thoughts.
We have many different kinds of friends in life, and quite honestly most friends are circumstantial. For instance, in college I had many people I was friends with due to circumstance--we had a ridiculous amount of classes together, or we had a lot of the same friends and ended up at the same parties. With friends like this, we tend to have a lot in common in that present state. After graduating from college, I left most of these friends behind because we did not have that commonality of circumstances anymore. Some of those friends were more than circumstantial friends, and we have remained friends due to a different kind of closeness.
Similarly, I have a few friends that I consider my ‘mom friends.’ It’s nothing against them, but when we get together it is for mom and kid interaction. Now a couple of these mom friends have turned into real deep friendships which is awesome! But I find nothing wrong with admitting that some friends you have are circumstantial. You support each other in your current state and move on when you no longer have the binding factor.
My point is that I think IF women and mothers are perfectly able to be friends, they just may not make great circumstantial friends (unless different circumstances than fertility unite them). January and I initially bonded over NFP right before I had L. As we have continued through life, we have both encountered big changes, but we’ve become more than circumstantial friends. We have listened to each others’ trials, worries, and joys. January and her husband were the ones who brought A and I breakfast at 5:30am after L was born. January has always been supportive and loving towards me. We have moved onto a deeper friendship that is about supporting each other as people rather than circumstance.
I also think that the fact that we are in different seasons of life can actually give us both perspective. For instance when I feel overwhelmed by diapers and whining, by just telling her my little woes she reminds me what a gift my little ones are.
We initially started blogging together because we liked the idea of women supporting each other through the different seasons of our lives. Cattiness and competition often reign supreme between women, and we believe that the more bonds of love and peace we can form with each other the better off we all are.
-November
We have many different kinds of friends in life, and quite honestly most friends are circumstantial. For instance, in college I had many people I was friends with due to circumstance--we had a ridiculous amount of classes together, or we had a lot of the same friends and ended up at the same parties. With friends like this, we tend to have a lot in common in that present state. After graduating from college, I left most of these friends behind because we did not have that commonality of circumstances anymore. Some of those friends were more than circumstantial friends, and we have remained friends due to a different kind of closeness.
Similarly, I have a few friends that I consider my ‘mom friends.’ It’s nothing against them, but when we get together it is for mom and kid interaction. Now a couple of these mom friends have turned into real deep friendships which is awesome! But I find nothing wrong with admitting that some friends you have are circumstantial. You support each other in your current state and move on when you no longer have the binding factor.
My point is that I think IF women and mothers are perfectly able to be friends, they just may not make great circumstantial friends (unless different circumstances than fertility unite them). January and I initially bonded over NFP right before I had L. As we have continued through life, we have both encountered big changes, but we’ve become more than circumstantial friends. We have listened to each others’ trials, worries, and joys. January and her husband were the ones who brought A and I breakfast at 5:30am after L was born. January has always been supportive and loving towards me. We have moved onto a deeper friendship that is about supporting each other as people rather than circumstance.
I also think that the fact that we are in different seasons of life can actually give us both perspective. For instance when I feel overwhelmed by diapers and whining, by just telling her my little woes she reminds me what a gift my little ones are.
We initially started blogging together because we liked the idea of women supporting each other through the different seasons of our lives. Cattiness and competition often reign supreme between women, and we believe that the more bonds of love and peace we can form with each other the better off we all are.
-November
Saturday, May 19, 2012
My IF Theme Song
Do you know Christina Perri's song "A Thousand Years?" Ok, yes, it's apparently from one of the Tw.il.ight movies, but I didn't know that until I looked up all of the lyrics just now. Anyway, I've adopted it (haha) as my infertility theme song. I feel like it's so appropriate for the waiting, waiting to conceive, waiting to even be in a position to consider adoption. It's meant to be a love song, but I think the love it describes is pretty broadly applicable.
I don't like to say things along the lines of "if we have a boy or if we have a girl," because I did enough of that before we found out about being IF and it feels presumptuous at best now. However, if we have a son some day, I'd want to dance to this song with him at his wedding. It feels like I have loved my children for a thousand years, even though I don't know if they'll ever even exist.
Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed that I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
[Lyrics from http://www.songonlyrics.com/christina-perri-a-thousand-years-lyrics]
-January
I don't like to say things along the lines of "if we have a boy or if we have a girl," because I did enough of that before we found out about being IF and it feels presumptuous at best now. However, if we have a son some day, I'd want to dance to this song with him at his wedding. It feels like I have loved my children for a thousand years, even though I don't know if they'll ever even exist.
Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed that I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
[Lyrics from http://www.songonlyrics.com/christina-perri-a-thousand-years-lyrics]
-January
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Starting Fresh
It's CD1 today.
Instead of feeling disappointed, though, I'm mostly excited. Ok, and in crampy pain, but the emotion is excitement. Before my last cycle started, I told Husband that I needed a break. A month or maybe two of not only not medicating for TTC, but actively avoiding. He wasn't quite ready for that, so we decided I'd take the tamoxifen that cycle, then next cycle take a break from meds. I told him that he had the complete responsibility for being hopeful, for reminding me to take my medicine, and for asking about what the monitor was saying about my ovulation.
Though it's impossible not to be a little hopeful, it was truly a relief to admit that I wasn't expecting results during that go-round. And once Husband realized that I was seriously, well, not paying attention, he finally started paying attention. Not that he doesn't care normally, but I'm always the one who brings up anything to do with fertility, so it was refreshing to have him start to ask questions about what was happening.
What neither of us predicted was that I wasn't going to ovulate until CD20, smack dab in the middle of our two business trips. I had a slight infection ahead of Husband leaving for his trip, so no relations happened in the time frame where there could have been even an outside chance of conceiving. Then I didn't return from my trip until P+5. No chance of conceiving there. When Husband departed for his trip, I realized that we quite certainly weren't going to conceive that cycle. Aside from being kind of annoyed about my ridiculously long cycles, I felt
FREEEEEEEE
I knew we weren't going to have a baby. I wasn't going to have a two-week wait like I'd had for the last, oh, 20 months. It was the kind of freedom that I'd have only gotten if we'd actively avoided, and Husband wasn't really on board with that choice in the first place. I would like to think that this last month was a little gift from God, preparing me for all of these pregnancy announcements and just giving my heart some much-needed rest. No worrying about what I was eating or drinking, and no brutal feelings of bitterness as AF arrives today after a week of learning about other people's joy.
And now I feel ready to get back out there again. Today, I'll pick up my prescription from the pharmacy, and I'll start praying again that this cycle could be THE cycle.
-January
Instead of feeling disappointed, though, I'm mostly excited. Ok, and in crampy pain, but the emotion is excitement. Before my last cycle started, I told Husband that I needed a break. A month or maybe two of not only not medicating for TTC, but actively avoiding. He wasn't quite ready for that, so we decided I'd take the tamoxifen that cycle, then next cycle take a break from meds. I told him that he had the complete responsibility for being hopeful, for reminding me to take my medicine, and for asking about what the monitor was saying about my ovulation.
Though it's impossible not to be a little hopeful, it was truly a relief to admit that I wasn't expecting results during that go-round. And once Husband realized that I was seriously, well, not paying attention, he finally started paying attention. Not that he doesn't care normally, but I'm always the one who brings up anything to do with fertility, so it was refreshing to have him start to ask questions about what was happening.
What neither of us predicted was that I wasn't going to ovulate until CD20, smack dab in the middle of our two business trips. I had a slight infection ahead of Husband leaving for his trip, so no relations happened in the time frame where there could have been even an outside chance of conceiving. Then I didn't return from my trip until P+5. No chance of conceiving there. When Husband departed for his trip, I realized that we quite certainly weren't going to conceive that cycle. Aside from being kind of annoyed about my ridiculously long cycles, I felt
FREEEEEEEE
I knew we weren't going to have a baby. I wasn't going to have a two-week wait like I'd had for the last, oh, 20 months. It was the kind of freedom that I'd have only gotten if we'd actively avoided, and Husband wasn't really on board with that choice in the first place. I would like to think that this last month was a little gift from God, preparing me for all of these pregnancy announcements and just giving my heart some much-needed rest. No worrying about what I was eating or drinking, and no brutal feelings of bitterness as AF arrives today after a week of learning about other people's joy.
And now I feel ready to get back out there again. Today, I'll pick up my prescription from the pharmacy, and I'll start praying again that this cycle could be THE cycle.
-January
Monday, May 14, 2012
And the pregdar was...
...Correct!
Coworker is pregnant - 14 weeks already!
And I was correct in her boobs looking bigger. She says her B cup has increased to DD! Hahaha.
This (her pregnancy, not her boobs) means that I will now officially be surrounded by pregnant ladies for the rest of this year. Carpool buddy is due in October, Coworker is due in November, and SIL is due in December. This is the first real flood of women close to me having babies. It feels like my first test, the first real foray into the battle so many other IF bloggers have written about before. I've been pretty insulated from things like this so far--I don't live in my hometown where all those girls I went to school with are having babies; a lot of people where I live now don't get married until late, so there are generally fewer babies--I guess it's about time that I earned my infertile girl stripes.
Now, in the interest of planning ahead, what do I give all these people for their baby showers?
-January
Coworker is pregnant - 14 weeks already!
And I was correct in her boobs looking bigger. She says her B cup has increased to DD! Hahaha.
This (her pregnancy, not her boobs) means that I will now officially be surrounded by pregnant ladies for the rest of this year. Carpool buddy is due in October, Coworker is due in November, and SIL is due in December. This is the first real flood of women close to me having babies. It feels like my first test, the first real foray into the battle so many other IF bloggers have written about before. I've been pretty insulated from things like this so far--I don't live in my hometown where all those girls I went to school with are having babies; a lot of people where I live now don't get married until late, so there are generally fewer babies--I guess it's about time that I earned my infertile girl stripes.
Now, in the interest of planning ahead, what do I give all these people for their baby showers?
-January
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Love and Marriage and Divine Mercy
My best friend from college got married this past weekend. It was a lovely wedding, with a beautiful bride, proud groom, and many happy guests. It was not a religious ceremony, and some of the elements were a bit, um, unusual to me, but I'm glad that these two crazy kids are finally married.
Husband and I really enjoyed ourselves during the weekend. We road-tripped up and back (I'd consider a road trip in this case to be driving a distance that many people would normally fly), which is one of my favorite couple activities for us. Someday, I want to drive across the country together, and take different routes heading in each direction to see as much as possible. A good car adventure with my honey really makes me happy.
Today happens to be the anniversary of our first date. And not just any anniversary - the tenth anniversary! He had to leave this morning to travel for work, and then I'll be leaving this weekend before he gets back to travel for my own job, but I can't help feeling romantic about this. If he hadn't called me up and asked me out for ice cream (as directed by a mutual friend) back during that senior year of high school, we might not be here together today. I cannot explain how glad I am that we're together, no matter what. It is such an incredible blessing.
One little note about being IF - because what post from me is complete without one? - the bridesmaid who I was worried would be announcing her pregnancy at the bachelorette party is in fact now pregnant. 12 weeks! She must have found out right after the bachelorette party. I spent Friday being upset about it, but when I woke up on Saturday, I felt moved to pray about it. I prayed the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, which I really haven't been exposed to much. Saying those words over and over, "for the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world," was so cleansing. All of the ugly feelings of jealousy I had were washed away as I prayed. I know I don't want this other girl's baby, and I hated that I was so upset by it. I felt like I needed to ask God for His mercy, and praying the chaplet, I felt that I was truly receiving it. And the final prayer:
Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible,
look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us,
that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent,
but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will,
which is Love and Mercy itself.
How have I been making it through without praying this every day? Let me not despair or become despondent, Lord! Let me confidently submit myself to Your holy will! Amen, amen, amen.
I stood up after that prayer and felt completely renewed by the God's mercy. During the reception that evening, I sincerely congratulated the expectant parents and felt only joy in my heart for them. That right there was a miracle for me.
-January
Husband and I really enjoyed ourselves during the weekend. We road-tripped up and back (I'd consider a road trip in this case to be driving a distance that many people would normally fly), which is one of my favorite couple activities for us. Someday, I want to drive across the country together, and take different routes heading in each direction to see as much as possible. A good car adventure with my honey really makes me happy.
Today happens to be the anniversary of our first date. And not just any anniversary - the tenth anniversary! He had to leave this morning to travel for work, and then I'll be leaving this weekend before he gets back to travel for my own job, but I can't help feeling romantic about this. If he hadn't called me up and asked me out for ice cream (as directed by a mutual friend) back during that senior year of high school, we might not be here together today. I cannot explain how glad I am that we're together, no matter what. It is such an incredible blessing.
One little note about being IF - because what post from me is complete without one? - the bridesmaid who I was worried would be announcing her pregnancy at the bachelorette party is in fact now pregnant. 12 weeks! She must have found out right after the bachelorette party. I spent Friday being upset about it, but when I woke up on Saturday, I felt moved to pray about it. I prayed the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, which I really haven't been exposed to much. Saying those words over and over, "for the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world," was so cleansing. All of the ugly feelings of jealousy I had were washed away as I prayed. I know I don't want this other girl's baby, and I hated that I was so upset by it. I felt like I needed to ask God for His mercy, and praying the chaplet, I felt that I was truly receiving it. And the final prayer:
Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible,
look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us,
that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent,
but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will,
which is Love and Mercy itself.
How have I been making it through without praying this every day? Let me not despair or become despondent, Lord! Let me confidently submit myself to Your holy will! Amen, amen, amen.
I stood up after that prayer and felt completely renewed by the God's mercy. During the reception that evening, I sincerely congratulated the expectant parents and felt only joy in my heart for them. That right there was a miracle for me.
-January
Monday, April 9, 2012
Happy Easter, Prayer Buddy Reveal, and CD 1
Happy Easter!
I was so excited to sing "Jesus Christ Is Risen Today" on Easter morning. My mom is in the bell choir, and it was the first song they rang before Mass started! Then we got to sing it for the processional. Aside from the excellent bell ringing, the coolest musical part of Easter Mass was that the church choir sang the "Hallelujah Chorus" at the end. And they sounded amazing. They always work really hard, but to be honest, I'm a music snob, and totally spoiled by the fact that the parish Husband and I belong to here has a semi-professional choir and incredible cathedral acoustics. But wow! I'm so thrilled for that choir back home. They did a great job.
***
My prayer buddy was:
Lavished with Lemons!
It was an honor to pray for her and learn all about her through her blog. She's a seriously wonderful person! She also knows how to up the ante for a prayer buddy. Scheduling some short-notice surgery for the middle of Lent, like it ain't no thang. In all seriousness, Lavished, praying for you this Lenten season has been a real blessing for me. Thank you!
Also, a shout out to my prayer buddy, His Essence Is Love, who I am so pleased to see was blessed with a pregnancy this Lent! Thanks to you and your husband for praying for me!
***
And finally, yes, friends, it's CD1. The only miracle I got this Easter was the original one, but really, that's the only one you need.
I am feeling pretty beat up emotionally by the trying and the hope and all of those things, especially in combination with my work life being such a mess. I was talking with November today, and I told her that I am contemplating not trying this cycle. And by not trying, I mean not only not charting and not taking medicine, but actually avoiding altogether. Is that wrong? On one hand, I feel like I need a break. On the other hand, I see how this could seem like I'm trying to take the power back from God, saying "Fine, God, you won't give us a baby? I won't give you the chance to give us a baby!" I don't want that; I want some protection for my heart, to know that I have nothing to hope for. Husband isn't home yet, but when he gets home, I have to talk about this with him. I told him this morning that it's ok that it's just the two of us; he countered with saying that he wouldn't mind if our "us" turned into three people. I know that he needs to hear from me that I am ok with us as we are, because sometimes I think it hurts him that I am not satisfied with our family as it is right now. It was so good to hear from him in turn that he still wants to have a baby, too.
What do you think? Avoiding: bad idea, good idea? You all know where I'm at, and your perspective would be helpful. Thanks.
-January
I was so excited to sing "Jesus Christ Is Risen Today" on Easter morning. My mom is in the bell choir, and it was the first song they rang before Mass started! Then we got to sing it for the processional. Aside from the excellent bell ringing, the coolest musical part of Easter Mass was that the church choir sang the "Hallelujah Chorus" at the end. And they sounded amazing. They always work really hard, but to be honest, I'm a music snob, and totally spoiled by the fact that the parish Husband and I belong to here has a semi-professional choir and incredible cathedral acoustics. But wow! I'm so thrilled for that choir back home. They did a great job.
***
My prayer buddy was:
Lavished with Lemons!
It was an honor to pray for her and learn all about her through her blog. She's a seriously wonderful person! She also knows how to up the ante for a prayer buddy. Scheduling some short-notice surgery for the middle of Lent, like it ain't no thang. In all seriousness, Lavished, praying for you this Lenten season has been a real blessing for me. Thank you!
Also, a shout out to my prayer buddy, His Essence Is Love, who I am so pleased to see was blessed with a pregnancy this Lent! Thanks to you and your husband for praying for me!
***
And finally, yes, friends, it's CD1. The only miracle I got this Easter was the original one, but really, that's the only one you need.
I am feeling pretty beat up emotionally by the trying and the hope and all of those things, especially in combination with my work life being such a mess. I was talking with November today, and I told her that I am contemplating not trying this cycle. And by not trying, I mean not only not charting and not taking medicine, but actually avoiding altogether. Is that wrong? On one hand, I feel like I need a break. On the other hand, I see how this could seem like I'm trying to take the power back from God, saying "Fine, God, you won't give us a baby? I won't give you the chance to give us a baby!" I don't want that; I want some protection for my heart, to know that I have nothing to hope for. Husband isn't home yet, but when he gets home, I have to talk about this with him. I told him this morning that it's ok that it's just the two of us; he countered with saying that he wouldn't mind if our "us" turned into three people. I know that he needs to hear from me that I am ok with us as we are, because sometimes I think it hurts him that I am not satisfied with our family as it is right now. It was so good to hear from him in turn that he still wants to have a baby, too.
What do you think? Avoiding: bad idea, good idea? You all know where I'm at, and your perspective would be helpful. Thanks.
-January
Monday, April 2, 2012
MIL Birthday Success!
The birthday party for my MIL went really well! She was happily surprised to find herself at our apartment rather than a bed and breakfast, even more excited to "run into" my SIL and her BF, who live in New York City, in this city at lunch time, and thrilled when other SIL and her son met up with us near the end of the day. The dinner was delicious, if I may say so myself, and the lemony angel food cake I baked in the morning turned out great! All together, it was an excellent weekend, and I had a very happy MIL, which was the whole point!
I am so sad to see that CD1 showed up for no fewer than three of the bloggers that I love to read sometime last week or over the weekend. Seriously, what is up with that?! I was praying for some more miracles here, AF! Plus, it sounds like you had horrible timing. So, I'm finding myself in a space where I'm hoping for my own BFP, but not really that hard, because it sounds like AF is just being a big old witch to everyone, and I have no reason to expect her to treat me any different.
Perhaps because I try not to hope too hard, this weekend I found myself eating cheese and meats that I shouldn't if I were pregnant, plus I had a glass of wine. I have a really hard time balancing my desire for things like prosciutto and brie with the very slim possibility that I could be pregnant. If I haven't turned out to be pregnant, in what, 19 months, what are the odds that I'll be pregnant this time around? I need to stop thinking that way, and get my act together. I break down and have one thing I shouldn't during the 2WW probably once every cycle. This weekend it was a little more than usual, and here I am kicking myself. If I did get pregnant, I'd be worrying for months that something I ate during that time period would hurt my baby. If I don't get pregnant (which, let's be honest, is far more likely) I'll be thinking, "Well of course you didn't get pregnant. You didn't have self control over soft cheese for two weeks! How can God trust you with a child?"
I know in my mind that this isn't why God isn't blessing me and Husband with a child, but it's so easy to fall into the trap of blaming myself. I'm going to try to find a good balance between hoping and not hoping for this last week of the wait.
-January
I am so sad to see that CD1 showed up for no fewer than three of the bloggers that I love to read sometime last week or over the weekend. Seriously, what is up with that?! I was praying for some more miracles here, AF! Plus, it sounds like you had horrible timing. So, I'm finding myself in a space where I'm hoping for my own BFP, but not really that hard, because it sounds like AF is just being a big old witch to everyone, and I have no reason to expect her to treat me any different.
Perhaps because I try not to hope too hard, this weekend I found myself eating cheese and meats that I shouldn't if I were pregnant, plus I had a glass of wine. I have a really hard time balancing my desire for things like prosciutto and brie with the very slim possibility that I could be pregnant. If I haven't turned out to be pregnant, in what, 19 months, what are the odds that I'll be pregnant this time around? I need to stop thinking that way, and get my act together. I break down and have one thing I shouldn't during the 2WW probably once every cycle. This weekend it was a little more than usual, and here I am kicking myself. If I did get pregnant, I'd be worrying for months that something I ate during that time period would hurt my baby. If I don't get pregnant (which, let's be honest, is far more likely) I'll be thinking, "Well of course you didn't get pregnant. You didn't have self control over soft cheese for two weeks! How can God trust you with a child?"
I know in my mind that this isn't why God isn't blessing me and Husband with a child, but it's so easy to fall into the trap of blaming myself. I'm going to try to find a good balance between hoping and not hoping for this last week of the wait.
-January
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Would you like to share this purchase via Facebook or Twitter?
This is what Amazon wanted to know a few minutes ago when I purchased a new box of test sticks for my fertility monitor.
Umm, no.
I don't want to share this purchase with anyone.
Except my blog friends.
Thanks.
So this means another CD 1 has come and gone. I was pretty crushed on Friday when I started cramping, but it seemed like people and the weekend conspired to keep me from letting myself mope for too long, and by Saturday morning when AF officially arrived, I handled it alright.
On Thursday morning, we had another appointment with Dr. C. I think it might have been the best appointment yet. She said that my P+7 blood draw numbers from the second month of tamoxifen were excellent, an apparent improvement over a non-medicated month. Based on that, she wants to put me tamoxifen for up to the next four cycles. My dose has been boosted to 30mg/day, and unfortunately none of the pharmacies had the 10mg pill, so I am only going to get my first dose this evening, CD 4, rather than CD 3 when I should have. I hope that doesn't totally mess up this month.
What made this appointment so good, aside from my stellar P+7, was that when I asked Dr. C what exactly she's treating me for and considers my problem to be, she said that I have a luteal phase defect. This doesn't mean it's the only problem, but it feels so good to have a name for something right now. And, best/scariest of all, she said that if my only issue is an LPD, there is no reason I shouldn't get pregnant during these 6 months on tamoxifen. Well, that's two down and as many as four to go.
Now, I don't know if I think this is really the only problem. About my post-ovulation pain that lasted for a week and the significant pain during intercourse around then, she hazarded a guess that it was just ovulation pain. I don't know if I buy that, but I'm willing to be patient and find out. If I'm not pregnant at the end of the tamoxifen treatment, we're going to plan to do a laparoscopy. I feel good that we have a plan, and it doesn't involve rushing toward surgery quite yet. I wouldn't be able to do it yet anyway, so I'm relieved that I still feel like we're being proactive in the mean time.
Part of the reason I was so taken aback by AF arriving was because I had let myself get super excited after the appointment. If everything was super perfect, my cycle, our timing, etc., there should have been no reason that I wasn't pregnant. I could have been pregnant! Of course now I'm looking back and saying, Jan, girl, you are never pregnant, and one documented lovely cycle does not a baby make. At least, not usually.
In other news, Husband became my hero last week because he arranged for his test and we finally got to have our, ahem, mid-day liaison. :D We're waiting to hear about the results from that, hopefully sometime this week. I'm praying that everything is ok on his end.
I don't want to get too excited, too optimistic, because even just one day of that last week really got me down. But I know myself, and the hope is going to start taking over again and again. Please let it be worth it!
Sts. Cosmas and Damien, pray for us!
St. Therese, pray for us!
Our Lady of Good Counsel, Pray for us!
-January
Umm, no.
I don't want to share this purchase with anyone.
Except my blog friends.
Thanks.
So this means another CD 1 has come and gone. I was pretty crushed on Friday when I started cramping, but it seemed like people and the weekend conspired to keep me from letting myself mope for too long, and by Saturday morning when AF officially arrived, I handled it alright.
On Thursday morning, we had another appointment with Dr. C. I think it might have been the best appointment yet. She said that my P+7 blood draw numbers from the second month of tamoxifen were excellent, an apparent improvement over a non-medicated month. Based on that, she wants to put me tamoxifen for up to the next four cycles. My dose has been boosted to 30mg/day, and unfortunately none of the pharmacies had the 10mg pill, so I am only going to get my first dose this evening, CD 4, rather than CD 3 when I should have. I hope that doesn't totally mess up this month.
What made this appointment so good, aside from my stellar P+7, was that when I asked Dr. C what exactly she's treating me for and considers my problem to be, she said that I have a luteal phase defect. This doesn't mean it's the only problem, but it feels so good to have a name for something right now. And, best/scariest of all, she said that if my only issue is an LPD, there is no reason I shouldn't get pregnant during these 6 months on tamoxifen. Well, that's two down and as many as four to go.
Now, I don't know if I think this is really the only problem. About my post-ovulation pain that lasted for a week and the significant pain during intercourse around then, she hazarded a guess that it was just ovulation pain. I don't know if I buy that, but I'm willing to be patient and find out. If I'm not pregnant at the end of the tamoxifen treatment, we're going to plan to do a laparoscopy. I feel good that we have a plan, and it doesn't involve rushing toward surgery quite yet. I wouldn't be able to do it yet anyway, so I'm relieved that I still feel like we're being proactive in the mean time.
Part of the reason I was so taken aback by AF arriving was because I had let myself get super excited after the appointment. If everything was super perfect, my cycle, our timing, etc., there should have been no reason that I wasn't pregnant. I could have been pregnant! Of course now I'm looking back and saying, Jan, girl, you are never pregnant, and one documented lovely cycle does not a baby make. At least, not usually.
In other news, Husband became my hero last week because he arranged for his test and we finally got to have our, ahem, mid-day liaison. :D We're waiting to hear about the results from that, hopefully sometime this week. I'm praying that everything is ok on his end.
I don't want to get too excited, too optimistic, because even just one day of that last week really got me down. But I know myself, and the hope is going to start taking over again and again. Please let it be worth it!
Sts. Cosmas and Damien, pray for us!
St. Therese, pray for us!
Our Lady of Good Counsel, Pray for us!
-January
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