It's CD1 today.
Instead of feeling disappointed, though, I'm mostly excited. Ok, and in crampy pain, but the emotion is excitement. Before my last cycle started, I told Husband that I needed a break. A month or maybe two of not only not medicating for TTC, but actively avoiding. He wasn't quite ready for that, so we decided I'd take the tamoxifen that cycle, then next cycle take a break from meds. I told him that he had the complete responsibility for being hopeful, for reminding me to take my medicine, and for asking about what the monitor was saying about my ovulation.
Though it's impossible not to be a little hopeful, it was truly a relief to admit that I wasn't expecting results during that go-round. And once Husband realized that I was seriously, well, not paying attention, he finally started paying attention. Not that he doesn't care normally, but I'm always the one who brings up anything to do with fertility, so it was refreshing to have him start to ask questions about what was happening.
What neither of us predicted was that I wasn't going to ovulate until CD20, smack dab in the middle of our two business trips. I had a slight infection ahead of Husband leaving for his trip, so no relations happened in the time frame where there could have been even an outside chance of conceiving. Then I didn't return from my trip until P+5. No chance of conceiving there. When Husband departed for his trip, I realized that we quite certainly weren't going to conceive that cycle. Aside from being kind of annoyed about my ridiculously long cycles, I felt
I knew we weren't going to have a baby. I wasn't going to have a two-week wait like I'd had for the last, oh, 20 months. It was the kind of freedom that I'd have only gotten if we'd actively avoided, and Husband wasn't really on board with that choice in the first place. I would like to think that this last month was a little gift from God, preparing me for all of these pregnancy announcements and just giving my heart some much-needed rest. No worrying about what I was eating or drinking, and no brutal feelings of bitterness as AF arrives today after a week of learning about other people's joy.
And now I feel ready to get back out there again. Today, I'll pick up my prescription from the pharmacy, and I'll start praying again that this cycle could be THE cycle.