Sunday, August 5, 2012

In which Jan shares TMI

I keep thinking my upcoming diagnostic laparoscopy. I know that it’s minor surgery, but I am kind of getting freaked out. What if something goes wrong? What if I’m a mess in there and require way more serious surgery? What if the doctor doesn’t find anything wrong, what then? What if a minor cleanup is all that’s required and we actually get pregnant and have a baby?!

I know I have to calm down about it; it’s just another step on this journey. I’m just sort of convinced that something worse/more is going on than my NaPro doctor suspects. I have recurrent infections, which worries me. I’ve been susceptible to them since hitting puberty, but when I’ve gone to the doctor to get them diagnosed/treated lately, they often say they don’t find anything “but you do have a red spot here. Hmmm.” Thanks, that’s helpful. I told Dr. C about my infections when I first gave her my medical history, and she doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Something is wrong! I can feel it, and I’m not a hypochondriac.

And another thing that worries me is that last year I started having what Dr. C says is ovulation pain. It’s basically extreme tenderness in my lower abdomen starting with the day I ovulate. Sometimes it lasts for only a day or two, but sometimes (like right now) it lasts for a week or two. I can feel it all the time, and if I push on my stomach or drive over speed bumps (of which there are one dozen in my neighborhood), oof! The pain! Needless to say, when that’s happening, Husband and I are not getting any action in the bedroom.

All of this just makes me feel extra broken. I have felt a lot better over the last few months that maybe it just isn’t in God’s plan for us to have children, or to have biological children, or to have children right now. It still hurts my heart sometimes, but I feel more at peace than I used to. But all of this stuff with my body, the physical pain, it just makes me feel broken. When I have to keep telling Husband that we can’t make love because I think I have an infection or my insides just hurt too much, it’s extra frustrating, and it makes me feel like a bad partner in our marriage.

Finally, I realized that, lately, I haven’t been praying nearly as much as I used to. Even though I try my best to praise God through my prayers more than asking Him for things, as the months have gone on (we’ll be at two years of TTC on our 4th anniversary in a week and a half) and He hasn’t answered my prayers for a child, it makes me feel silly to keep asking. And I think that the asking part was what was giving me the impetus to pray.

I guess that last part is the only one I can fix on my own. Anyone have any favorite prayers you’d like to share to get me going? I love learning new prayers! And I plan on joining the St. Rita novena for JB on Monday.

St. Cosmas, pray for us!
Mother of Mercy, pray for us!



  1. What ifs are not fun, are they? Sometimes the best ones are the scariest ones. I'm joining the novena, too!

  2. Your first paragraph was like a tape recording stuck on repeat in my head before my laprascopy. The anxiety over all of the different outcomes was overwhelming, it was so good to have answers, even if the implications of the answers themselves weren't the best.

    Prayers for peace as you get closer to your surgery date and for answers and a plan afterwards. It all just seems so much sometimes, doesn't it?

    As far as prayers to get you going - I have a rosary app on my phone that is a group of sisters praying the rosary and giving meditations on each mystery. I like it when I'm struggling because I find it comforting to add my intentions and prayers along with those of others. I usually pray it while I'm driving and this way I don't have to keep track of Hail Marys either.

  3. Finding the answers after the lap will be a relief ... they can tell what's going on inside, etc. I hope that everything can be solved with the lap. Endo is painful! And I hear ya on "nothing going on in the bedroom." We've had that happen as well, for similar reasons, but not as painful or dehabilitating as you.
    You will be a mama. This lap is part of your journey you need to take to get to those kids of yours. It will give you answers which will help shape all future decisions. You can do it!!!! (((hugs)))

  4. "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Not that you needed the reminder, but I love that scripture when I start to feel overwhelmed by it all...I would read it when it was hard to breathe and I found the breaths came easier.
    I was worried that they would find nothing wrong too, but wouldn't that sort of be a relief? you find out you don't have something debilitating with your reproductive system and that you're giving it all you got and its just up to God to do the rest, so the ball is in His court. My husband tried to explain it to me like that one time, that way you know that you're where you're supposed to be...from certain angles that can make sense ;)
    and if you're a mess, which from experience, ovulation pain like that (especially if it is preventing 'sexy time' as we affectionately call it) isn't normal, then getting this surgery is the best thing you can do. either way, its a great next step.
    hope you guys had a happy anniversary :) will be praying for you.