I keep thinking my upcoming diagnostic laparoscopy. I know that it’s minor surgery, but I am kind of getting freaked out. What if something goes wrong? What if I’m a mess in there and require way more serious surgery? What if the doctor doesn’t find anything wrong, what then? What if a minor cleanup is all that’s required and we actually get pregnant and have a baby?!
I know I have to calm down about it; it’s just another step on this journey. I’m just sort of convinced that something worse/more is going on than my NaPro doctor suspects. I have recurrent infections, which worries me. I’ve been susceptible to them since hitting puberty, but when I’ve gone to the doctor to get them diagnosed/treated lately, they often say they don’t find anything “but you do have a red spot here. Hmmm.” Thanks, that’s helpful. I told Dr. C about my infections when I first gave her my medical history, and she doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Something is wrong! I can feel it, and I’m not a hypochondriac.
And another thing that worries me is that last year I started having what Dr. C says is ovulation pain. It’s basically extreme tenderness in my lower abdomen starting with the day I ovulate. Sometimes it lasts for only a day or two, but sometimes (like right now) it lasts for a week or two. I can feel it all the time, and if I push on my stomach or drive over speed bumps (of which there are one dozen in my neighborhood), oof! The pain! Needless to say, when that’s happening, Husband and I are not getting any action in the bedroom.
All of this just makes me feel extra broken. I have felt a lot better over the last few months that maybe it just isn’t in God’s plan for us to have children, or to have biological children, or to have children right now. It still hurts my heart sometimes, but I feel more at peace than I used to. But all of this stuff with my body, the physical pain, it just makes me feel broken. When I have to keep telling Husband that we can’t make love because I think I have an infection or my insides just hurt too much, it’s extra frustrating, and it makes me feel like a bad partner in our marriage.
Finally, I realized that, lately, I haven’t been praying nearly as much as I used to. Even though I try my best to praise God through my prayers more than asking Him for things, as the months have gone on (we’ll be at two years of TTC on our 4th anniversary in a week and a half) and He hasn’t answered my prayers for a child, it makes me feel silly to keep asking. And I think that the asking part was what was giving me the impetus to pray.
I guess that last part is the only one I can fix on my own. Anyone have any favorite prayers you’d like to share to get me going? I love learning new prayers! And I plan on joining the St. Rita novena for JB on Monday.
St. Cosmas, pray for us!
Mother of Mercy, pray for us!