I want you to have grandchildren. I want you to have grandchildren who are my children! I love that you try your best to understand what I'm going through with this journey, and that you respect our decision to take the Catholic road.
Despite my trying to be strong, which I know you want me to be, sometimes seeing how my lack of babies affects your life makes me sadder than just thinking about how it affects my life. At your birthday party this year, you picked up my cousin's daughter to help you blow out the candles on your cake. If I had managed to conceive back when we started trying, you'd have had a different toddler to pick up, a grandchild of your own, not your brother's. You've started volunteering by reading books to nursery school children, showing both your love of literacy and your love of little kids. If you had grandchildren, you'd be spending time with them snuggled up in your lap while your finger traces the words on the pages. Rationally, I know that these things in your life already make you happy. Is it silly to think that grandchildren would make you happier?
I am sorry for my petty response when we were talking about another cousin getting pregnant. Because she's been trying for exactly as long as me, I should know how much of a blessing this is for her and her husband. But it does hurt me, more than other friends' pregnancies, and I'm still trying to figure out why. We've always had a weird sort of relationship, we girl cousins. I guess I didn't really know it was a competition until she and her sisters boycotted my wedding shower. But now that I know, this cousin has clearly won the baby race.
And then there's my Grandma, your mother. I love her soooo much, and I want her to meet my babies. She's going to be so happy for this new great-grandchild--I want to bring her that happiness, too! I know that it's going to hurt me to see her be happy, and that is the most selfish part of this. That is why I am just not right with this yet. I will do my best to work towards handling this better. I will be strong like you want me to be, and I'll even make every effort to go to the baby shower.
I love you, Mom.