Monday, July 16, 2012

Modesty and Marriage

Ok back to my thoughts on modesty. When I last wrote about it, I was just talking about how dating A helped me to appreciate my body more and its womanly beauty. His encouragement and affirmation really helped me to strive to be beautiful and to see that as a good thing. I will admit I often tried to look sexy to him, because well, I loved him and was crazily attracted to him. But in the past I would have seen this as something evil.  His love for me helped me to know that I am a sexual being and that trying to completely hide that was stifling.

Although my upbringing was not nearly as strict as the Duggars, the way things are frased and framed is rather familiar. However, this type of a world view was not conducive to married love, as I began to suspect while dating. Love in marriage requires total openness and vulnerability, something that is quite difficult to accept after being totally closed my whole life. Also, this type of modesty fostered in me an extreme consciousness of my body and how I was covered. This extreme awareness also makes openness in marriage difficult. I'm not saying we should walk around naked all the time, just that feeling comfortable in my own skin requires me to be comfortable with the fact that that skin exists. The jerky transition of  living by intense modesty in my daily life, to getting naked with my husband just does not work. If I've been wearing things that make me feel unattractive, I struggle to feel attractive for my husband.  If I put on something that I feel pretty in I have a much easier time feeling confident in life.

Being married has made the modesty debacle much simpler for me. I know that when I dress attractively it is for my own sake, and for A's. I don't constantly question my motives anymore. Sometimes I show a bit of cleavage, and I will be honest that I enjoy doing so. It makes me feel pretty, and A certainly appreciates it. Now, if I wonder if something is too revealing I ask A for his opinion, since I figure if he is comfortable with the general public seeing me in it then I'm good to go.

I realize that modesty has been beneficial for some, but for me discarding my rules about modesty has been incredibly freeing particularly in my marriage.



  1. Amen! I have a large sect of my husband's family that has gone uber-conservative over the last year and half, and they all dress in what I would call pentecostal wear. So drab. My husband would not want me to dress that way, and I would find it so depressing and oppressive.

  2. It would be so hard to be *so* modest, a la the Duggars. While it is fine, it doesn't show a lot of individuality. And I can also see about how being modest all the time doesn't equate with non-modesty in the bedroom. I would have a hard time "switching gears."
    I'm glad you dress to feel confident! You can show some skin without getting all trashy. :-) Your DH sounds very trustful, so I am sure he would say something if any of your outfits were to risque.

  3. Great post! I still strive for modesty in public out of respect for all the men I am not married to (not that I am THAT amazing looking haha but ya know what I mean :)). However, to me modesty does not equal bland, frumpy or lacking feminine beauty/curve or style. It's more a mindset of dressing beautifully/classy vs. sexy (which is something I try to keep to my hubby). My husband comes from a family of gorgeous women who never look inappropriately dressed yet always look attractive, and that has also helped me know how to dress for him. He visibly lights up when I dress nicely! :) I was much more casual (more of a tomboy thing than a modesty thing) before we met and started dating.

  4. *I meant I try to keep "sexy" to my hubby and "beautiful/classy" for everyone else. Not keep ALL of it to my husband. That would feel weird... like I needed to wear a head covering or something lol.