November and I have been discussing friendship, particularly between someone dealing with infertility and a mama. We've both written out some of our thoughts on how we maintain our friendship and why we blog together. Below are my thoughts. We would love to hear your own thoughts on friendship!
Lately, it seems like a lot of IFers online and quite a few of my friends in real life are becoming mothers. This is a wonderful and beautiful thing, and though it causes pain and jealousy in my own heart, I want to do nothing to lessen the joy of the occasion for them.
In fact, one of my biggest worries, particularly with my IRL friends, is that we won’t stay friends. I know rationally that my friendships are not currently based on our being parents or not; and I know that we could fall away from each other even if we were both having kids or neither of us were having kids. However, all IFers and former IFers know that there is a line that gets crossed when your friend becomes a mother, and no matter what you do, you can’t quite get over to your friend’s side.
I want my friends and family members with babies on the way to know that I’m still there for them. I will stand as close to them as I can from my side of the line and continue to offer my friendship. I know that our relationships are bound to change, but I do not want to lose them! (This is starting to feel like a battle speech where I’m riding a horse and raising my sword, hehe).
To that end, November’s and my blogging together is something of an experiment. We want to show each other and others how we stand close to each other on our respective sides of the line; that we can be good friends and support each other through everything.
Now, I know that it is not easy for an infertile girl to read about others getting pregnant and having babies and to see pictures and videos of first teeth and first birthdays. On the other hand, how tiresome it must be for those who conceive easily to read about poor mucus quality and medicine and the seemingly unending sadness. I suspect that our blog is not fun for very many people to read – the combo of mom stuff and IF stuff probably doesn’t fit a lot of people that well. We try to write about more than our respective places on the fertility spectrum, but I know that the vast majority of my ramblings take on a distinctly IF theme! (What can I say – ya’ll are my support group in a fertile, fertile, IVF world!).
Being close friends with November connects me more closely to motherhood. I love that she knows that I care about her and her family, and that she shares with me life’s triumphs and stresses. I admit that I’ve lived vicariously through her labors, her sweet newborns, and her sleepless nights. She doesn’t keep her motherhood behind her in our friendship; we meet each other at the line and she brings her babies for me to hold and play with. I love her for listening to me cry and complain about being infertile for, gosh, it would probably be three weeks of her life if all of those moments were laid side by side. I’m overjoyed when I see that bloggers who have connected with us while they were ttc or waiting to adopt have now become mothers, and that these ladies can now relate to Novie’s posts in a concrete way.
IFers will always need other IF friends, other waiting friends, because if you haven’t been through it, you cannot stand on our side of the line, and it can be such a lonely place. But I hereby declare that I will not let go of my friends who have crossed over and become mothers. Please don’t be afraid to stand close to the line. I will join you there.