Friday, June 1, 2012

Why We Blog Together: January

November and I have been discussing friendship, particularly between someone dealing with infertility and a mama. We've both written out some of our thoughts on how we maintain our friendship and why we blog together. Below are my thoughts. We would love to hear your own thoughts on friendship!


Lately, it seems like a lot of IFers online and quite a few of my friends in real life are becoming mothers. This is a wonderful and beautiful thing, and though it causes pain and jealousy in my own heart, I want to do nothing to lessen the joy of the occasion for them.

In fact, one of my biggest worries, particularly with my IRL friends, is that we won’t stay friends. I know rationally that my friendships are not currently based on our being parents or not; and I know that we could fall away from each other even if we were both having kids or neither of us were having kids. However, all IFers and former IFers know that there is a line that gets crossed when your friend becomes a mother, and no matter what you do, you can’t quite get over to your friend’s side.

I want my friends and family members with babies on the way to know that I’m still there for them. I will stand as close to them as I can from my side of the line and continue to offer my friendship. I know that our relationships are bound to change, but I do not want to lose them! (This is starting to feel like a battle speech where I’m riding a horse and raising my sword, hehe).

To that end, November’s and my blogging together is something of an experiment. We want to show each other and others how we stand close to each other on our respective sides of the line; that we can be good friends and support each other through everything.

Now, I know that it is not easy for an infertile girl to read about others getting pregnant and having babies and to see pictures and videos of first teeth and first birthdays. On the other hand, how tiresome it must be for those who conceive easily to read about poor mucus quality and medicine and the seemingly unending sadness. I suspect that our blog is not fun for very many people to read – the combo of mom stuff and IF stuff probably doesn’t fit a lot of people that well. We try to write about more than our respective places on the fertility spectrum, but I know that the vast majority of my ramblings take on a distinctly IF theme! (What can I say – ya’ll are my support group in a fertile, fertile, IVF world!).

Being close friends with November connects me more closely to motherhood. I love that she knows that I care about her and her family, and that she shares with me life’s triumphs and stresses. I admit that I’ve lived vicariously through her labors, her sweet newborns, and her sleepless nights. She doesn’t keep her motherhood behind her in our friendship; we meet each other at the line and she brings her babies for me to hold and play with. I love her for listening to me cry and complain about being infertile for, gosh, it would probably be three weeks of her life if all of those moments were laid side by side. I’m overjoyed when I see that bloggers who have connected with us while they were ttc or waiting to adopt have now become mothers, and that these ladies can now relate to Novie’s posts in a concrete way.

IFers will always need other IF friends, other waiting friends, because if you haven’t been through it, you cannot stand on our side of the line, and it can be such a lonely place. But I hereby declare that I will not let go of my friends who have crossed over and become mothers. Please don’t be afraid to stand close to the line. I will join you there.



  1. Beautiful! It is so true that there is no way across that line until you actually join the ranks of those not waiting. But I love the idea that we can be together on the line, helping each other out.

  2. I'm so, so glad that in both of your seasons of life, you are truly THERE for each other.
    My fertile BFF (who will be "done" having kids after her little boy and new twin girls are due in a little over a month) doesn't share the same support to me via the IF front. I've always had to listen to her about mommy stuff, but she doesn't understand or give me the freedom to truly share my infertility. Of course, now that I'm a mom, she thinks it's cool since we have that in common, but it was so uncomfortable when I didn't have a baby.
    No one seems to want to "step to the line" like you and Nov are doing. It seems that in my life, I must always step to theirs. You have an AMAZING friendship!

  3. Guess what!?! You are showing up in my reader now! Praise God!!!

    And, I love this and the imagery of coming together at the line, of finding a way to walk side by side even though we can't truly understand what the other's experiences are like.

    Much like AIHPT said, your friendship with Nov is beautiful - I am constantly listening to my friends share their mommy stories, yet no one really wants to hear my IF stories/experiences. Maybe it's because mommy stories are happy (usually) and IF stories are not (usually)...and in our society where suffering = bad it is hard to hear about someone else's suffering. Not that 'getting' that makes it any easier...

  4. It's weird how no matter how much we want to we can't totally understand something we haven't been through. I cannot fully comprehend infertility because I have never experienced it. But I think in realizing this I can a get a lot closer to the line! I have experienced longing, sadness, loneliness, and disappointment before, all emotions of infertility. My point is that I don't think people need to have the exact same experiences to offer support for each other, just sympathy and a willingness to stand right next to that line.