An Advent Miracle!

Friends,

I have tried for almost a week to find the words to share this with you. It turns out they aren't coming, so I am going to just say this. On Tuesday, I got a BFP!!!

My first ever positive pregnancy test! Oh my goodness!

I'm still so shocked that I can't really parse out my emotions quite yet, so I'll give you just the facts, ma'am. I called my OB/GYN's office, and they scheduled me for a routine pregnancy confirmation appointment for the day after Christmas. Fortunately, I left a message for my NaPro doc, who sent a message the next day, "Congratulations! This is wonderful! Now I want you to get your butt in the office immediately for a blood draw." (Ok, that was a paraphrase). So, blood drawn Friday morning, I should get results sometime today. I'm praying so hard that everything is as good as it can be for Tiny January right now.

There is a Tiny January! Oh my goodness!

I only tested because I had just had more than a week of being so very low emotionally that when AF was just a couple of days late, but not even late by pre-surgery-January standards, I wanted to protect myself. I did not want to get all excited and day dreamy, only to end up being crushed even lower. I had one test hanging around from who knows when, and I figured I'd just test and get the negative, and prepare my heart for AF's arrival.

I have never been so shocked in all my life as I was on Tuesday morning. I tested again Wednesday morning, because I was sure that the first test had something wrong with it. All day Tuesday, in my dis-believing fog, all I could think was that other people should be getting their miracles before me. Women whose blogs have supported me for well over a year. Rebecca and JB both posted that they don't have Christmas miracles, and I'm so crushed. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I guess I just want to say that I know I don't deserve this. The primary fact of life that IF has taught me is that you never "deserve" pregnancy or children.

I have been trying to protect my heart - what if the little one doesn't make it? What if my tests were both wrong? What if this is the only time I ever get a BFP? What if the little one is stuck in my remaining tube, and oh that just fills me with so much fear! and on top of that I'd be rendered permanently infertile?

Despite these terrible fears, the joy keeps on bursting through. It's still mostly shock; Husband suggests that it'll get more real for us when we tell more people. I have told a grand total of two folks yet - we've not even told our parents and siblings at this point. November really might be more excited than I am. So, now, my dear friends, I am telling you. A special shout-out to my prayer buddy, you must have been working overtime the moment Advent began! If you all could help me thank God (which I feel even more inadequate to do right now) and pray for the health and safety of this little one (!!!), I would be so grateful.

Love,
January