Monday, December 17, 2012

An Advent Miracle!

Friends,

I have tried for almost a week to find the words to share this with you. It turns out they aren't coming, so I am going to just say this. On Tuesday, I got a BFP!!!

My first ever positive pregnancy test! Oh my goodness!

I'm still so shocked that I can't really parse out my emotions quite yet, so I'll give you just the facts, ma'am. I called my OB/GYN's office, and they scheduled me for a routine pregnancy confirmation appointment for the day after Christmas. Fortunately, I left a message for my NaPro doc, who sent a message the next day, "Congratulations! This is wonderful! Now I want you to get your butt in the office immediately for a blood draw." (Ok, that was a paraphrase). So, blood drawn Friday morning, I should get results sometime today. I'm praying so hard that everything is as good as it can be for Tiny January right now.

There is a Tiny January! Oh my goodness!

I only tested because I had just had more than a week of being so very low emotionally that when AF was just a couple of days late, but not even late by pre-surgery-January standards, I wanted to protect myself. I did not want to get all excited and day dreamy, only to end up being crushed even lower. I had one test hanging around from who knows when, and I figured I'd just test and get the negative, and prepare my heart for AF's arrival.

I have never been so shocked in all my life as I was on Tuesday morning. I tested again Wednesday morning, because I was sure that the first test had something wrong with it. All day Tuesday, in my dis-believing fog, all I could think was that other people should be getting their miracles before me. Women whose blogs have supported me for well over a year. Rebecca and JB both posted that they don't have Christmas miracles, and I'm so crushed. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I guess I just want to say that I know I don't deserve this. The primary fact of life that IF has taught me is that you never "deserve" pregnancy or children.

I have been trying to protect my heart - what if the little one doesn't make it? What if my tests were both wrong? What if this is the only time I ever get a BFP? What if the little one is stuck in my remaining tube, and oh that just fills me with so much fear! and on top of that I'd be rendered permanently infertile?

Despite these terrible fears, the joy keeps on bursting through. It's still mostly shock; Husband suggests that it'll get more real for us when we tell more people. I have told a grand total of two folks yet - we've not even told our parents and siblings at this point. November really might be more excited than I am. So, now, my dear friends, I am telling you. A special shout-out to my prayer buddy, you must have been working overtime the moment Advent began! If you all could help me thank God (which I feel even more inadequate to do right now) and pray for the health and safety of this little one (!!!), I would be so grateful.

Love,
January

21 comments:

  1. Congratulations!!! So excited for you, but the fears make sense, too. Praying for you and your husband and tiny J! How awesome did it feel to write a post and include "pregnancy" as one of the labels? :)

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  2. Wow congratulations! Praying for a healthy pregnancy!

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  3. Congratulations!!! And grow baby grow!!!

    And I feel I must say this, since you mentioned me specifically :), this and your email are so kind and sweet, and I'd be totally lying if I didn't say I wasn't sad, BUT, I was sad before reading this and the sadness only relates to me, selfishly. You also MUST know that every emotion I have as it relates to you and your sweet baby is one of joy. So please, enjoy every moment of nausea, every twinge, every stretch mark, and every moment of worry (afterall, you are a mommy now) and know that I am truly happy for you.

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    1. Haha, I had been feeling good that at least not becoming pg means no labor! And then God said, "Ummm, sorry Jan, you are not skating out of that this easily." Hehehe

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  4. Yay! Praying for you, your DH, and baby January! Grow baby grow!

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  5. This is wonderful!!! Congratulations! I have always felt that a BFP announcement from this community is so much less painful as compared to the "fertile myrtle" announcements out there. Enjoy every moment of this growing life inside of you! I will be praying for you!

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    1. PW-I agree...hearing pregnancy announcements via our wonderful blogger community have always been easier for me, most always giving me a surge of hope!

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  6. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! :-) I couldn't believe what you wrote at first ... I wasn't expecting it ... but I'm just OVER THE MOON for you!!! I've been keeping you in prayer & have been saying the St. Andrew Novena for your intentions of being a mom & I have to say that this is just GREAT!!! (I always like to see the fruits of my prayer, if you know what I mean. :-D) I will keep praying for you and baby J.
    I'm just all smiles now! :-D

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  7. I'm crying tears of joy over here for you!!!!!! Soooooo happy for y'all! I know it can be a little scary with the not knowing everything right now...but just know one thing...you are a mommy to a precious little one now!!!!! Praying that your little one is healthy, grows strong so y'all can hold them in the months to come!

    Praise The Lord!!! Grow baby grow!!!!

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  8. Yahooooo! Amazing! So happy for you! Congratulations! Saying a prayer for your little one!

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  9. Oh my goodness!! Congratulations!! After all you went through with your surgery, this is so wonderful. I'll pray for you and your baby.

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  10. That's wonderful! Congratulations, and I'll pray for you both!!!

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  11. Thank you, everyone! I felt so nervous to tell you (telling anyone is making me self-conscious), but I should have known about all the prayers and love that you had to pour out! You are so the best, and I would hug you all if I could!

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  12. Just stalking you, ahem, checking in to see if you got the results of your bloodwork back??? (you can't post BFPs and then not give us any follow-up information, just so you know ;).

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  13. I second Rebecca-I keep coming back waiting for a follow up!!! Update us pretty lady!!! ;)

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  14. Just realized I posted on the Facebook group but not your blog...shame on me!! Congrats again!

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