Thursday, February 9, 2012

I can't figure out what to name this post

I'm on my second month of tamoxifen, and let me tell you, this time I'm getting all sorts of side effects. Hot flashes, slight nausea, mood swings. Ugh. I thought I was going to fall over in the library this afternoon as I was looking for books on, surprise surprise, IF. I selected the one that wasn't exclusively about IVF and IUI. I want to learn more about what could be going on here, as well as help Husband wrap his mind around the apparent need for intervention. He's still not thrilled about me getting surgery (not that I am either!) but I hope that learning a little bit more about all the things that might be going on will give him some confidence that investigating is the right thing to do. Frankly, I am starting to get cold feet myself--part of me doesn't want to find out what's wrong. What if it's so bad that nothing can be done? What if they don't find anything and this all remains unexplained? I told Husband the other day that, if there were a way to know it, I would absolutely want to know if we will have children or not. Then we could deal and move on. But finding out what's wrong with me...that's scaring me more than I thought it would.

This weekend, Husband and I met up with a priest we are friendly with after Sunday Mass, to talk about the state of our relationship. Don't worry, we're still each other's true love! The issue is basically that Husband is a workaholic, always has been, and over three years of being married to a workaholic are not easy. We talk about it a lot, but I knew that it would be especially helpful for him to hear some priestly wisdom on the subject. Of course, it took a year to convince Husband to talk to the priest, but I think he felt pretty good afterwards. Husband has been trying to come home earlier. Granted, it's not early, but seeing him before I fall asleep is always a good thing. Getting to eat dinner together, even when it's at 9pm, is like winning the lottery! I hope he's able to keep this up. We've gotten to this point before, but then there's always some work emergency that consumes him for weeks, and he falls out of the habit of coming home. Prayers for him would be most appreciated!

Oh sheesh, I just checked my work email. Should. Not. Have. Done. That. My favorite presidente has emailed more negative stuff. It's like every day, I fight just to get a lot accomplished, and then we have a meeting or get an email saying how horrible a job we're doing. Gahhh! It takes any joy out of this work. I wish he'd just fire me or lay me off. Then it would be over with. Husband would flip if I quit. He'd flip if I got fired, but then his anger would be directed somewhere not at me. We could make do on Husband's income, though I'm not sure how soon I could get onto his health insurance. It wouldn't be pretty, but we could deal.

I really am planning to post on something more substantive soon, I promise. Husband and I talk about life issues, politics, religion, etc. so much, and I have all sorts of inspiration. It's just that every time I sit down to write, I blurt out my feelings instead of anything remotely intellectual. But...[Princess Bride alert] I swear, it shall be done! And not in that lying six-fingered man sort of way.



  1. Oh sweetie, I know how hard it is to be in a job that causes so much stress. I often envision what it would feel like to just walk away and never turn back. A friend of mine and I used to joke about what size box we would need to put out office stuff in and how good it would feel to walk down those halls, push that elevator button, and breeze on outta there. I will pray for you that this job and your boss get easier or another opportunity will present itself.

    As for finding out what is going on with the IF, I am in the "I want to know either way" boat. It is worse to me to be guessing and wondering. In terms of fully finding out what is wrong, I cannot recommend highly enough PPVI. Once I received the call from them scheduling my surgery, I cried out of relief. I could finally lay down that burden of trying to figure it all out on my own. It was like I could literally feel weight lifted off of my shoulders.

  2. Yes! I 100% agree with the whole "Finding out if I can have Children" or "Not" and then grieving / waiting more patiently until the children came along. Where is that button? :-)
    I'm so sorry about your DH working so much. It seems like I am more like your DH than I care to think about, so I'm guilty for this same reason to my hubby. I think you letting him know how much you want to see him is a nice way to remind him to come home sooner than he does now. Your posting this reminds me to hurry home to be with my hubby too. :-)
    Don't worry about not posting anything "substantial". This IS substantial! We are all dealing with the same problems / emotions. Believe me!
    I'm praying for guidance for your hubby and his openness to your treatment!

  3. I was so worried that my surgery was going to end with Dr. S. saying "well, that was a waste of time, there's nothing wrong in there, you just need to relax and be patient with letting the medications you're on do their job." That didn't happen and while I'm glad there was no embarrassment, it wouldn't have been the most horrible thing ever to hear.

    I'm so glad to hear that you and your DH were able to talk with your priest and that you are both making the effort to keep you marriage strong!

    Prayers as you discern your next steps. (Oh, and sorry I'm so late in commenting, my reader doesn't like to keep up with your posts...I just don't understand it!)

  4. I have to chuckle at the last line... my posts always seem just "stream of thought" too. :) Praying as you research IF... as scary as it is (and ugh, sometimes your imagination is your worst enemy!), getting answers can be so helpful. And regarding the stressful job... praying THAT gets resolved too! Somehow!