I can be a big whiner oftentimes. Particularly when it comes to faith and my own holiness (or lack thereof). I'm convinced that I am called to raise kids because it will whittle me into something resembling a good Catholic provided I allow it too.
I’ve always been a doubter. I remember growing up I would ask my mom these super intense theological questions. Inconsistencies in faith freak me out. But more than that, my ultimate question is how do we know? When I was little I used to ask God for some immediate tangible sign so that I could know for sure he was real. I wanted to see and believe even though I knew it was technically better to not see and yet still believe. I thought Thomas had the right idea, because he wanted to be sure. I’ve spent most of my life in some form of doubt about faith, because really, how do I, a small human, know what is true?
I keep coming back to my Catholic faith as what I have found to be most real and true. Plus, the Catholic Church feels like home to me. But my lingering doubts have always plagued me. I went through a particularly rough patch my senior year of high school. I just couldn’t reconcile the description of God to the world around me.
I’m going through a similarly doubtful time now, but this time something is quite different. Although I have trouble grasping fine theological points, I finally have an understanding of what the love of God really means. You see, in the past several years I have experienced love like I never have before. A has loved me, and shown me this love more than I knew was possible. I have also learned to love in a way I never have before. I love A with all of my heart, and together we love our children. This incredible experience of love has completely blown me out of the water, giving me a peace with God and his mysteriousness.
I know that love so powerful comes from something. God is love, and knowing that love like this exists helps me to believe in God in the faith and hope that He is ultimate love. I am comfortable now, not necessarily understanding fine points of theology because love is the most important part of this whole deal.