The birthday party for my MIL went really well! She was happily surprised to find herself at our apartment rather than a bed and breakfast, even more excited to "run into" my SIL and her BF, who live in New York City, in this city at lunch time, and thrilled when other SIL and her son met up with us near the end of the day. The dinner was delicious, if I may say so myself, and the lemony angel food cake I baked in the morning turned out great! All together, it was an excellent weekend, and I had a very happy MIL, which was the whole point!
I am so sad to see that CD1 showed up for no fewer than three of the bloggers that I love to read sometime last week or over the weekend. Seriously, what is up with that?! I was praying for some more miracles here, AF! Plus, it sounds like you had horrible timing. So, I'm finding myself in a space where I'm hoping for my own BFP, but not really that hard, because it sounds like AF is just being a big old witch to everyone, and I have no reason to expect her to treat me any different.
Perhaps because I try not to hope too hard, this weekend I found myself eating cheese and meats that I shouldn't if I were pregnant, plus I had a glass of wine. I have a really hard time balancing my desire for things like prosciutto and brie with the very slim possibility that I could be pregnant. If I haven't turned out to be pregnant, in what, 19 months, what are the odds that I'll be pregnant this time around? I need to stop thinking that way, and get my act together. I break down and have one thing I shouldn't during the 2WW probably once every cycle. This weekend it was a little more than usual, and here I am kicking myself. If I did get pregnant, I'd be worrying for months that something I ate during that time period would hurt my baby. If I don't get pregnant (which, let's be honest, is far more likely) I'll be thinking, "Well of course you didn't get pregnant. You didn't have self control over soft cheese for two weeks! How can God trust you with a child?"
I know in my mind that this isn't why God isn't blessing me and Husband with a child, but it's so easy to fall into the trap of blaming myself. I'm going to try to find a good balance between hoping and not hoping for this last week of the wait.
-January
I wouldn't be so hard on yourself about the little indulgences during the 2ww. Think of all the women who have done a lot worse and had healthy babies. Glad to hear the party went well!
ReplyDeleteUm, are you in my head? I have the. exact. same. conversation with myself (usually as I'm having a glass of wine) every. single. month. Seriously, people get pregnant and don't even know it for months?!?! We spend 2 weeks every cycle analyzing every single thing we do - oh, there is so much innocence lost with IF.
ReplyDeleteSending many many prayers that this month is your BFP and that YOU are the Easter miracle!
I am totally guilty of "indulgences" myself. I also think that it old never be "this cycle." and it hasn't. I'm glad you indulged. As the other ladies have said, it won't hurt anything.
ReplyDeleteStill praying for you and a BFP!