Oncology Appointment***

Sorry for the boring title. I'm not sure what to post, but do I want to give you an update.

As it says, I had my appointment with the oncologist, Dr. R, this morning. One of the first things he wanted to make clear was that I do not have cancer. The tumor they found was a low malignancy potential (LMP or borderline) tumor. He said that Dr. C only partially excised the tumor. If we left things as they are, the chance of this developing into a malignant cancer is 17%.

The plan at this time is to have another surgery, during which he will remove my right ovary (the one that the tumor was attached to) and tube, some lymph nodes on that side, and the omenum. He'll biopsy my left ovary, colon, uterus, and probably everything he possibly can while he's in there. By removing my right ovary and tube, he says that the chance of my developing malignant cancer from this should be reduced to about 5%.

Those are good odds for not getting cancer. Not perfect, but pretty darn good. I will say that I am incredibly relieved that I don’t have cancer.

Of course, that’s not the end of the story. I’m worried that Dr. R will find something bad or possibly worse somewhere inside of me, and want to take out my left ovary as well. He said that when I “finish” having children, I will need to get a total hysterectomy. Rationally, I understand that not getting cancer and getting to keep my life is in the grand scheme more important than having biological children, but who said anything about my being rational? Hearing all of this causes my infertile heart to break. I’ve been assured that having one ovary should not affect my fecundity, but given that I have been the opposite of fecund up to this point, I can’t help but be distressed by the idea of cutting out part of my reproductive system. What if I develop more tumors before I manage to have any children? The idea of having a hysterectomy ever just makes me feel sick, and the idea of having one before I have children makes me want to roll the dice with the 17% odds.

Sweet Lord, I just do not know what to think. Please teach me how to accept this burden, for I am so afraid.

***Updated

Thought I should let you know that I after I poured out all my fears and worries here, I had a talk with Husband as he tucked me into bed last night, and it made me feel a lot more steady. He reminded me that we're still in ultimate control of my care, and can make decisions when we are ready to with the full information we have at the time. Thank goodness for him! I was getting really hysterical there for a bit. Gotta love my sweetheart.

-January