Monday, January 28, 2013

Mercy to my past self

Rebecca's recent post (http://theroadhomewv.blogspot.com/2013/01/living-regret.html) reminded me of something my sister and I often talk about: the idea of being merciful to your past self.  Basically whenever we talk about decisions in our lives that in retrospect we may want to change or at least reconsider we always say that we have to remember that we did the best we could with what we had a the time.  So since there is no way I could have known then what I know now, it's unfair to hold my past self to my present standard.  Even with decisions I know were the wrong decisions, I understand why I made the decision at the time.

For instance, I know it would have been better had A and I remained chaste before we got married, but I know why we made the decisions we did.  We were crazy in love, and although I know we didn't make the best choices, we are human.  As A says when we talk about our love story, "We have a rich history together." Exactly.  It's hard to wish we had made different decisions because the most important decision was to get married.  Plus if we had made better decisions we would not have L, and that is a terrible thought.  For me this is a huge example in my life of how good can come out of bad.

Another example is our university of choice.  A and I both went to a private Catholic college.  Occasionally when I look at our giant student loan debt I feel a twinge of regret that I didn't go for a cheaper option, maybe a state school while living at home.  Although I did do some time at community college before transferring (which saved me bucket-loads of money by the way), I'm sure I could have figured out a way to get my bachelors with less debt...but at the time I made the best choice I could.  I have a feeling if I would have gone to a state school I would have lost my faith too, or at least stopped practicing it very well.  And finally, if I had made the more practical choice I probably would not have met A, and well, I am very very glad I met him.

Learning to accept my past self and forgive my mistakes (or inability to know the future, what can I say, I'm a perfectionist) has become easier as I've learned to be less harsh on everyone.  And not surprisingly learning to be kind to my past self has helped me learn to be kind to my present self too.

November

11 comments:

  1. I love this! It's so easy to get caught up in "coulda/shoulda/woulda" but that doesn't change the hear and now, and what happened in the past is an essential part of who we are today.

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    1. Yes exactly. Life is good where we are now, makes it hard to wish we had done it differently.
      November

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  2. Wow, this is so true and I am feeling called out! I have a tendency to dwell on my past decisions/sins and beat myself up. What I should really be doing is thanking God for His mercy and where He has me right now. Thanks for this post!

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    1. Yep, I do the same thing. Although as I have gotten older it gets easier to let things go. I remember in high school remembering conversations word for word. I would go back through analyzing each thing I said figuring out how to make it better...so not healthy!

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  3. Yes! I'm glad you wrote this! I don't always give myself the benefit of the doubt on past decisions. I do love your "I did what I thought was best at the time" phrase! Because, in truth, I really did do what was best at the time. Gosh darn hindsight is always 20/20. :-)
    I am glad for everything that's shaped who I am today too!

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    1. Yeah, for sure. It's easy to pick our younger selves apart with the knowledge we have now (knowledge we gained through the mistakes we've made). A little charity to our less mature selves is a good thing I think :)

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  4. It is so hard to not coulda/shoulda/woulda'd ourselves to death. It is one of the most harmful things I do to myself, and writing the post you referred to was one of the most freeing things I've ever done. It was like my skin fit better when I hit "publish" :).

    I'm finding life to be all about finding balance, and in this situation the balance is between honoring our journey and learning the lessons from it.

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    1. I really liked your post. It was so honest about the journey you have been on, and how it has shaped where you are now. I have a tendency to feel embarrassed of my past self and I don't think it's a good thing. Trying to accept my past, and the journey God has brought me on has really helped me to like my current self more, and trust God will continue to help me out.

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  5. I would get caught up in the coulda/shoulda/woulda's. Then I heard the saying "You can't have a better past". No matter what I think about what I did, it wasn't going to make things any better.

    Realizing this was very healing for me. It allowed me to let go of my mistakes because I can't do anything about them now.

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    1. Yep, I've always been a 'what if I had done this instead' kind of person and that is really no way to live. Especially because I like my life now.

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  6. This post speaks to my heart. My perfectionist, shame-ridden heart that has taken years to heal. Thank you for writing this- it's so forgiving.

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