Sunday, July 15, 2012

The stupid thing about cramps

Ugh. Fell asleep with cramps last night, woke up with cramps sometime early this morning. At 5:30 or so, I finally gave up, got out of bed, and started washing dishes. Now that I've had breakfast, I should probably take some ibuprofen. Then I can stop whining ;-)

I told Husband yesterday that ever since I started cycling when I was in junior high, and my period laid me low, I would tell myself that this just meant that someday I'd have babies. That's supposed to be the big prize of being a woman, right? All those monthly aches, pains, and mood swings. You get to become a mom.

Yeah, or not.

I promise that I have been feeling really positive about life lately, and even a potentially childless life, but holy moly, when your whole body has been aching for 18 hours, a little negativity feels like it's in order.

I think I've started feeling overwhelmed by all of the pregnancy, adoption, and birth announcements lately. Every one of them is a blessing and I have been thanking God when I learn that someone got those two pink lines or that their adoption phone finally rang. Suddenly, though, it feels like a lot of the blogs that I used to go to to find people who could really understand what I was going through have become blogs of parents or expectant parents. I think everyone rejoices when someone gets to cross the line, but I feel kind of lonely remaining on this side.

The woman whose condo we rent had her first baby in May. I hadn't heard from her in months, and the last time I'd seen her she was definitely pregnant, so I sent her a little email to check in. She is really sweet and sent me pictures of her new little girl, and Husband and I offered to bring her and her husband dinner sometime soon, with the added benefit of getting to meet the baby. We could do that today - I have all of the ingredients to make a triple strawberry pie and I know what I'd like to make them for dinner - but I'm hesitant all of the sudden. Those pictures of that baby girl, they're a lot like what I think my baby would look like. Maybe, in addition to being dear friends, its easier for me with November's kids because they look nothing like me. It's harder seeing a little Italian baby. And with AF being here, I'm just feeling fragile. Hm, to make dinner or not to make dinner. That is the question.

Anyway, that's it for right now. I just wanted to get this off my chest. Ha! And my alarm for getting up still hasn't gone off yet. Thanks, AF, for getting this day started really early!

-Jan

14 comments:

  1. I'm sorry! I know how horrible those cramps can be. They used to put me in bed for a day at least before I had my surgery with Dr. H. I always thought that pain was part of the deal, but apparently it's not supposed to be. Have you had endo ruled out?

    And, I'm so sorry for the lonely feelings. We are all still here and supporting you. Sending hugs your way.

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    1. My lap is planned for August 21st, so hopefully we'll either be ruling endo out or in that day! -Jan

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  2. Ugh! I would totally be skipping dinner tonight. Self-preservation is an important thing, if I've learned only one thing, it is that.

    I hear you on the blogs - dividing my reader into folders has made things so. much. easier. And if you are looking for some new blogs, maybe check out my sidebar - the ones under the "Our Hope is in the Lord" are either single and waiting for a DH or TTC (and a few have beautiful lives without children). I keep it super updated, so even the recent BFPs and adoptions have been moved to the other section.

    Praying for you! (And I haven't forgotten about meeting up - it's been a bit crazy around here this summer!)

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    1. I was definitely thinking that I needed to find new blogs, just to keep balance for these kinds of times. I will visit some places your roll tonight! -Jan

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  3. I would also agree to skip dinner. At least for tonight. Sometimes, you just can't do it, you know? And thank you for sharing your feelings. I'm kind of feeling some of the same things today, so know that you're not alone, and that I'm praying for you!

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    1. I am praying for you, too, CM. By the way, I have so enjoyed the photographs of nature that you've been posting lately. Columbine became one of my favorite flowers when my family took a trip to Colorado back when I was in middle school. We bought a flower identification book and spent the whole trip identifying plants! -Jan

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  4. I just came across your blog today, and I really needed that. Thank you. I, too, have been feeling a little overwhelmed with pregnancy announcements and the fact that almost all of my real-life friends are now mothers... they all have blogs, and blog about motherhood, and comment on each others posts about motherhood and I've been feeling so so very left out. And like you, I've been especially fragile recently, for several reasons but especially because its CD2 and bad cramps for me today too :( So anyway, I'm so sorry you're facing another month on this journey, but I'm thankful to not be feeling so alone today.

    (For reference, since I don't blog on infertility, this will be my 10th cycle since we started trying again after miscarriage. Its not very long in the grand scheme of things, but those first couple months were not any easier than the last few months. We're currently deciding whether to make an appointment with a nearby Catholic women's health center [which specializes in fertility care] this month or to wait one more month.)

    And in general, your blog is beautiful. Both January and November's posts. I look forward to reading more :)

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    1. Katie, I just checked out your blog and I can't wait to go back and read more. You are definitely not alone. I've never had a cycle-buddy before! Haha. For this month, at least, I am literally right there with you.

      I'm so sorry that you didn't get to spend time on earth with your baby. I encourage you to go to the doctor when you and your DH are ready. Husband and I have spent the last year taking small steps with our NaPro-technology-trained doctor, and now we're ready for the bigger step of a laparoscopy to see if I have endo. Investigate your situation at your own pace. Feel free to email me novieandjan (at) gmail (dot) com if you want to talk about anything!

      -Jan

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  5. Hi January--hope you don't mind me checking in--I feel a little weird trying to tell you that I sympathize with you, when obviously I have no idea what you're going through since I have children of my own.

    But just know that I sympathize with you and the other ladies who blog about infertility. I don't have trouble getting pregnant, and I often think about those who may be reading my blog who are trying to get pregnant, and here I complain often of motherhood and some of things that come with it. (Both the blessings and the crosses!)

    Would you find it inappropriate of me if I gave you a St.Andrew's chaplet? I don't have one in my Etsy shop, but I know that you visit my blog often and have even bought a rosary, so it would be a treat for me to give one to you! Then you and I could say a novena together.

    Tell me what you think!

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    1. Becky, your message has made me tear up. Again. :-)

      Thank you for your kind thoughts. My heart often goes out to you in the challenges you face with motherhood. I like to think that we're standing at "the line" supporting each other! I'm so glad Leila posted links to your Etsy page and your blog last year.

      I would be ridiculously honored to pray a novena with you!
      -Jan

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  6. You're not alone! I'm happy for everybody who adopted or announced a pregnancy, but it's hard not to feel left out. I'd probably bail on dinner too; no point in torturing yourself.

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    1. Thank you! It's good to be reminded that I'm not alone. -Jan

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  7. (((HUGS))) Praying specifically for you to get to experience mommy-hood. I understand it being too much sometimes. I wish I could change things for you ... I really, truly do.

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  8. You guys! You are totally the best! Seriously, I've not had such a good Monday morning in ages. Hugs all around!

    -January

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