Some January catch up!

To catch you up on my life right now (because I figure you should get to know the good stuff as well as the bad stuff):

Husband has a new job! He started it last week, after just over one month of being unemployed. A friend of ours has dubbed him "the job-hunting ninja." All I know is that we are incredibly grateful that he has been able to secure something so quickly. I have to keep telling myself that God's mercy knows no bounds, because sometimes I worry that we've used up all of our miracles.

We learned at the ultrasound a couple of weeks ago that Baby is a girl! I had spent most of this pregnancy thinking "boy," but Husband was sure all along that Baby would be a girl, and now we know it is so! Seeing her picture so clearly was incredible; the sonographer could probably tell how excited we were, because she printed out close to 30 pictures for us. I've given all of one away to my mom to put in a special frame that a friend gave her, but the rest, I don't know how to part with. I hold them up and give them kisses every day.

A number of people had told me that the pregnancy would get more real at the sonogram. I thought they were crazy; how do you get more real than first trimester ickiness and second trimester weight gain? And yet, the very next day, I became obsessed in a way I hadn't been before. Suddenly, I needed to make a registry and stress out about nursery colors and theme. I still don't think that the pregnancy became any more real, but I certainly became a little crazier.

I'm working at the bookstore a couple of days a week. There may be changes coming to the store that I'm not allowed to talk about yet, but I could be needed on a full-time basis as soon as a month from now!

The final update is that my uncle and godfather, Jack, had an operation to replace some disks in his back last Monday, but his spinal cord was bruised during the procedure. He woke up paralyzed throughout most of his body. He's now in an intensive rehabilitation hospital, and we're already seeing good things happen. Basically, there's no way to know the extent of the damage done to his nervous system until the swelling in his spinal column goes down, which could take quite some time to do. He has started physical and occupational therapy, and he's an incredibly tough man. I know there's so much to pray about these days, but if you could include a prayer for both my uncle and aunt, I would appreciate it so very much. Saint Gemma is known as a patron of those with spinal and back problems, if you're interested. Thank you so much!

-January

St. Andrew Chaplet

I received a wonderful gift in the mail last week: a St. Andrew Chaplet. It was handmade by a blogger named Becky who has a rosary shop on Etsy. Yes, I have linked to her before, very recently, in fact, but I think you should see this wonderful chaplet that she's made especially for those couples trying to conceive.

Becky and I will be praying the chaplet together (though long distance) starting November 30th, and it would be awesome if you joined us! How beautiful is this prayer?

Hail and blessed be the hour and moment
in which the Son of God was born of the most pure Virgin Mary,
at midnight, in Bethlehem, in piercing cold.
In that hour, vouchsafe, O my God!
to hear my prayer and grant my desires,
through the merits of Our Saviour Jesus Christ,
and of His Blessed Mother. Amen.

---

On a related note, it struck me recently just how many saints are out there for people trying to conceive, women longing to be mothers, and men yearning to be fathers to pray to. Whose intercession have you asked or had recommended to you?

-St. Andrew is fairly new for me, but apparently this is a long-standing tradition for those TTC.
-St. Gerard as the patron of mothers. I've always wondered how a man got this job. Anyone know the story?
-St. Joseph for fathers.
-St. Gianna, who I get the impression is especially invoked in high-risk pregancy situations.
-Sts. Anne and Joachim, Mary's parents, who tradition says were infertile.
-Mary, in her many titles. Our Lady of Guadalupe was recently recommended to me. If you're a particular fan of Mary's many titles, I highly recommend the Loreto Litany. It's really lovely.

I'd love to learn more, so please feel free to share your favorite saints!

-January

The Medal

I've been in a time of spiritual dryness/doubting for, ooohhh, the last three years or so. In a lot of ways it started when I got pregnant with L. The "worst thing ever" happened, and it wasn't the worst thing ever. My life didn't fall apart because of it. It was crazy and hard, but with this new little baby I was incredibly blessed. A and I got married and it was awesome.

But this is what tripped me up about it. I grew up with a pretty harsh understanding of faith. So when we had sex and got pregnant outside of being married, I was under the impression that we were doomed to be unhappy because we sinned. I had learned that premarital sex was pretty much a great way to ruin your chances of having real love, and a good marriage, yet we have both. Have we had to work through things due to our mistakes? Sure! But that particular issue has just been one of many, along with dealing with our selfishness, impatience, and all the other lovely vices two humans bring into marriage.

My point is that having had sex before marriage didn't damage us nearly as much as I had been led to believe as a teenager. In fact, with the birth of L blessings just poured out on us. And this threw me into a mode of doubting faith, because although lip service was given in my upbringing to the mercy of God, and redemption and all that, the feeling I had was that divine justice was stronger, and I had sinned dang it.

Now, slowly, with a lot of good talks with A, I am coming to see that due to the mixture of a harsher form of Catholicism and my idealistic nature, I have had too severe of a view of God. A came to be a faithful person more on his own, (and also has a degree in theology to boot :) ) and his early spiritual direction was much less harsh. Hearing his total belief in the love and mercy of God has been incredibly healing for me, and I truly want that kind of trusting faith. Not faith that is based off of fear of hell.

Slowly I am seeing that, yes we did sin, but the reason our sins are sins is because they are bad for us. I don't think God wants to punish us, rather He wants us to become the people we are meant to be. And it seems that part of our journey to becoming those people was through our dating, sinning, and having a baby at a challenging time. I think God is proud of the way we handled the results of our sin. Does that make sense? I'm not saying that this is why things have worked out so well (I don't really know why that is the case). I'm saying that God honors the fact that we tried the best we could in the circumstances we got ourselves into, and isn't out to beat us up over it.

So recently, in my faith journey I have been focusing on letting go of my scrupulosity, and focusing on accepting the mercy of God. But it's hard to relearn the thought processes I've used for so many years. I often worry there is a mortal sin that I haven't properly confessed, and if I die I will go to Hell. A assures me, and I want with my heart to believe, that God would take the whole of my life into account, and not bust me on a technicality. This is the God I want to believe in: the one who loves completely and knows our hearts and ours souls, and wants us with Him. But I am afraid of the God of judgement.

Anyway, due to all of this craziness swirling in my mind, I have not prayed much in the last few years. I faithfully go to Mass and confession, but when it comes to me personally, I try to communicate with God through loving my kids and husband. And in a lot of ways that has been more spiritually nourishing than spending hours in personal prayer. This week I made a very small gesture towards having something more personal and less fear based with God: I put on a medal of Our Lady of Perpetual Help.

A intentionally asked me out on the feast day of Our Lady of Perpetual Help, and we evoked her protection and guidance often during our tumultuous dating relationship. Mary has always felt like a very gentle presence to me even when I am feeling afraid of a judgmental God. And, let's face it, I will need help forever, so this particular title of hers is quite fitting.

I used to wear medals all the time, but have fallen out of the habit as my faith has felt shaky. A bought me the medal of Our Lady of Perpetual Help a couple of years ago, and I have worn it sporadically. This week I put it on again. It's a very small gesture I realize, but for me it is a first step towards really praying again. I hope this very small step will help me to focus on spiritual things again, through the most gentle of Mothers.

November

Saint Cosmas

In the first week of the year, I decided to use Jennifer Fulwiler's Saint's Name Generator to choose a patron saint for 2012. I've never had a devotion to a particular saint, other than St. Therese, and let's face it, she's a busy woman up in heaven. I ended up with a saint whom I have rarely thought about in the past, but it turns out, he might be the perfect saint for me this year!

Saint Cosmas.

I couldn't quickly find an image of St. Cosmas alone, but I don't think that he'll mind having St. Damian included. It turns out that these twin brothers are the patrons of doctors, pharmacists, midwives, and surgeons, because they are said to have been physicians way back in the third century who brought people to Christ by treating their ailments for free. As this is a year where I expect to experience more than my usual amount of medical intervention, I think St. Cosmas is the perfect saint from whom to be requesting intercession! And here's hoping that I need a midwife before the year is out! Other items of note about St. Cosmas: my glasses prescription needed a boost at my last eye doctor appointment a few weeks ago, prompting Husband to ask me if I could go blind eventually. Fortunately, St. Cosmas is a patron saint against blindness! And, due to the age-old crossover between barbers and surgeons, he's also the patron of hairdressers. I'm going to use that as a reminder to get myself to the salon more often.

St. Cosmas, pray for us!

-January