I'm pressed for time, so these quick takes will be quick. I'm not even going to go find the template. Visit ConversionDiary.com for more quick takes, people!
1. I had my pre-surgical appointment yesterday. Since my last surgery was only two and a half weeks ago, I didn't have to go get lots of blood drawn or any lab stuff. Just talked to Dr. R and signed papers.
2. This time, though, I do have to do a, um, there's no delicate way to say this, bowel cleanse. Ughhhh. I have the feeling that Sunday is going to be muy unpleasant. My Aunt T gave me her advice, which I shall share with you: chew a piece of mint gum right after you drink the stuff to get the flavor out of your mouth, eat lemon italian ice, use soft baby wipes and desitin, even if you don't think you'll need it. She apparently has a friend who, when needing to do this, rents a hotel room the day before her procedure. That allows the chaos in her household full of husband, children, and animals to go on without her, and she gets to enjoy being in a hotel room alone. I'm not springing for that, but it sounds like a pretty good plan to me!
3. I was a little stressed after the appointment for two reasons. First, apparently it's unknown whether Dr. C will be assisting Dr. R now, due to scheduling at her office. Aunt T (she's a nurse by the way, and has lots of brilliant advice) encouraged me to call Dr. C's office and explain very clearly that I want Dr. C there. She may not know that this is actually important to me.
4. The other reason I'm a little more stressed is because Dr. R said to expect not to go back to work for 4 weeks. Four weeks?! Whoa, that is crazy talk. I think I have close to 2.5 weeks of sick time left, but I have not been preparing for so much time out of the office. He did say that many people go back after two weeks, so it's going to just depend on my recovery rate. Regardless of whether it's 2 or 4, I'm going to have an unpleasant surprise for my boss and assistant when I get to work today. We'd all been preparing for 1 week, maybe 1.5.
5. When I'm stressed, I like to cook. And I haven't really cooked since my first surgery. No wonder I've been a little crazy lately! Last night, I had planned to make an Asian-inspired chicken soup for dinner (think snow peas, lemongrass, lime, ginger, Sriracha). I also had to bake a pie (twist my arm, right?) for Carpool Buddy's office baby shower. I went with blueberry peach. A bunch of us baked pies (ok, yes, I suggested that pie and ice cream would be a good food theme) and some folks less inclined towards baking are bringing vanilla ice cream. Yum!!
6. It's bagel and donut day, the one day a month my company buys any food stuff for the employees. This is a treasured day. Also, I promised the co-workers with whom I've been eating lunch and do the crossword that I'd bring them the manicotti that a friend brought me this week. It's delicious, but after my mom's stuffed shells last week, the manicotti this week, and the lasagna my MIL plans to bring next week, there's only so much macaroni layered with sauce and cheese a girl can really take. After lunch, the shower. Holy mackerel.
7. On a totally different note, Husband asked me last night what I thought of him quitting his job. He does not yet have a new job, but this job makes him SO MISERABLE now. He's gotten paranoid that his office is bugged or something. It's distressing to see him this way. I told him that he's not to do it today, because he needs to use his time off next week to get paid while he takes care of me and applies for more jobs. After that, I told him it would be ok with me if he quit. We have enough savings to get through a few months with zero income, and we'll still have mine (I hope - they wouldn't fire a girl for getting pre-ovarian cancer treated, would they?). More thoughts on this later, but I just had to get that out.
Happy Friday, friends!
-Jan
Showing posts with label Medicine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Medicine. Show all posts
Friday, September 7, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Oncology Appointment***
Sorry for the boring title. I'm not sure what to post, but do I want to give you an update.
As it says, I had my appointment with the oncologist, Dr. R, this morning. One of the first things he wanted to make clear was that I do not have cancer. The tumor they found was a low malignancy potential (LMP or borderline) tumor. He said that Dr. C only partially excised the tumor. If we left things as they are, the chance of this developing into a malignant cancer is 17%.
The plan at this time is to have another surgery, during which he will remove my right ovary (the one that the tumor was attached to) and tube, some lymph nodes on that side, and the omenum. He'll biopsy my left ovary, colon, uterus, and probably everything he possibly can while he's in there. By removing my right ovary and tube, he says that the chance of my developing malignant cancer from this should be reduced to about 5%.
Those are good odds for not getting cancer. Not perfect, but pretty darn good. I will say that I am incredibly relieved that I don’t have cancer.
Of course, that’s not the end of the story. I’m worried that Dr. R will find something bad or possibly worse somewhere inside of me, and want to take out my left ovary as well. He said that when I “finish” having children, I will need to get a total hysterectomy. Rationally, I understand that not getting cancer and getting to keep my life is in the grand scheme more important than having biological children, but who said anything about my being rational? Hearing all of this causes my infertile heart to break. I’ve been assured that having one ovary should not affect my fecundity, but given that I have been the opposite of fecund up to this point, I can’t help but be distressed by the idea of cutting out part of my reproductive system. What if I develop more tumors before I manage to have any children? The idea of having a hysterectomy ever just makes me feel sick, and the idea of having one before I have children makes me want to roll the dice with the 17% odds.
Sweet Lord, I just do not know what to think. Please teach me how to accept this burden, for I am so afraid.
***Updated
Thought I should let you know that I after I poured out all my fears and worries here, I had a talk with Husband as he tucked me into bed last night, and it made me feel a lot more steady. He reminded me that we're still in ultimate control of my care, and can make decisions when we are ready to with the full information we have at the time. Thank goodness for him! I was getting really hysterical there for a bit. Gotta love my sweetheart.
-January
As it says, I had my appointment with the oncologist, Dr. R, this morning. One of the first things he wanted to make clear was that I do not have cancer. The tumor they found was a low malignancy potential (LMP or borderline) tumor. He said that Dr. C only partially excised the tumor. If we left things as they are, the chance of this developing into a malignant cancer is 17%.
The plan at this time is to have another surgery, during which he will remove my right ovary (the one that the tumor was attached to) and tube, some lymph nodes on that side, and the omenum. He'll biopsy my left ovary, colon, uterus, and probably everything he possibly can while he's in there. By removing my right ovary and tube, he says that the chance of my developing malignant cancer from this should be reduced to about 5%.
Those are good odds for not getting cancer. Not perfect, but pretty darn good. I will say that I am incredibly relieved that I don’t have cancer.
Of course, that’s not the end of the story. I’m worried that Dr. R will find something bad or possibly worse somewhere inside of me, and want to take out my left ovary as well. He said that when I “finish” having children, I will need to get a total hysterectomy. Rationally, I understand that not getting cancer and getting to keep my life is in the grand scheme more important than having biological children, but who said anything about my being rational? Hearing all of this causes my infertile heart to break. I’ve been assured that having one ovary should not affect my fecundity, but given that I have been the opposite of fecund up to this point, I can’t help but be distressed by the idea of cutting out part of my reproductive system. What if I develop more tumors before I manage to have any children? The idea of having a hysterectomy ever just makes me feel sick, and the idea of having one before I have children makes me want to roll the dice with the 17% odds.
Sweet Lord, I just do not know what to think. Please teach me how to accept this burden, for I am so afraid.
***Updated
Thought I should let you know that I after I poured out all my fears and worries here, I had a talk with Husband as he tucked me into bed last night, and it made me feel a lot more steady. He reminded me that we're still in ultimate control of my care, and can make decisions when we are ready to with the full information we have at the time. Thank goodness for him! I was getting really hysterical there for a bit. Gotta love my sweetheart.
-January
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Call me Alice
Because it turns out that I'm still falling down this rabbit hole.
As Novie shared, surgery went well and I'm recovering. Everyone at the hospital was so nice that I didn't even feel scared going in. Husband has been taking good care of me, and my mom came yesterday so Husband could go to work.
Now on to the big news. They found mild endo, like Dr. C was expecting. Unfortunately, they also found something much scarier: a tumor on one of my ovaries. Dr. C said they think it's a "borderline" tumor, which means it's not benign, but maybe it's not totally malignant yet. They used to be called semi-malignant tumors, apparently. A quick online search will probably explain it better than I can, if you're curious.
While I was still unconscious, Dr. C's office arranged with Husband for an appointment with an oncologist on Monday morning. Apparently this doctor, Dr. R, is the person who Dr. C consulted when she got inside and found the tumor, which she fully excised. I think they'll have the full cytology report by Monday's appointment.
Now, no one with a medical license has used the "C" word yet, though Dr. C did say that Dr. R may want to do a staging laparoscopy, which could involve removing one of my ovaries and some lymph nodes. There are only two things I've ever heard of as being staged: endo and cancer.
I'm trying to stay calm and focus my energeries on healing from this surgery. It's hard work not using your abdominal muscles! Emotionally, I think I'm still a bit in shock. I am angry that no one knew about this before they went inside, because then at least I'd have known before going in that this surgery would not be about getting my insides healthy enough to make babies, but about the tumor and all of the possibilities that go with that.
Dr. C said she wasn't sure whether my fertility issues came from the tumor, or if it's just an additional, separate thing. I don't know how soon we can find out about that. I suppose it will all depend on the cytology results. When I looked up borderline tumors, the internets told me that they may require radiation or chemotherapy. Both of which just fill me with dread. I had thought that Husband and I would get to be thinking about making babies after this, but now we're worrying about cancer instead. Poor Husband, he's so distressed and trying to hide it. I hate to be the cause of his worries. Please keep him in your prayers.
Thank you so much for all of the surgery support you sent. It feels good to have friends far and wide praying for me.
Love,
Jan
As Novie shared, surgery went well and I'm recovering. Everyone at the hospital was so nice that I didn't even feel scared going in. Husband has been taking good care of me, and my mom came yesterday so Husband could go to work.
Now on to the big news. They found mild endo, like Dr. C was expecting. Unfortunately, they also found something much scarier: a tumor on one of my ovaries. Dr. C said they think it's a "borderline" tumor, which means it's not benign, but maybe it's not totally malignant yet. They used to be called semi-malignant tumors, apparently. A quick online search will probably explain it better than I can, if you're curious.
While I was still unconscious, Dr. C's office arranged with Husband for an appointment with an oncologist on Monday morning. Apparently this doctor, Dr. R, is the person who Dr. C consulted when she got inside and found the tumor, which she fully excised. I think they'll have the full cytology report by Monday's appointment.
Now, no one with a medical license has used the "C" word yet, though Dr. C did say that Dr. R may want to do a staging laparoscopy, which could involve removing one of my ovaries and some lymph nodes. There are only two things I've ever heard of as being staged: endo and cancer.
I'm trying to stay calm and focus my energeries on healing from this surgery. It's hard work not using your abdominal muscles! Emotionally, I think I'm still a bit in shock. I am angry that no one knew about this before they went inside, because then at least I'd have known before going in that this surgery would not be about getting my insides healthy enough to make babies, but about the tumor and all of the possibilities that go with that.
Dr. C said she wasn't sure whether my fertility issues came from the tumor, or if it's just an additional, separate thing. I don't know how soon we can find out about that. I suppose it will all depend on the cytology results. When I looked up borderline tumors, the internets told me that they may require radiation or chemotherapy. Both of which just fill me with dread. I had thought that Husband and I would get to be thinking about making babies after this, but now we're worrying about cancer instead. Poor Husband, he's so distressed and trying to hide it. I hate to be the cause of his worries. Please keep him in your prayers.
Thank you so much for all of the surgery support you sent. It feels good to have friends far and wide praying for me.
Love,
Jan
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Surgery Update!
Hi all, this is November. January's husband texted me at about 3:30 to let me know that January was out of surgery and doing well. We'll keep you updated!
November
November
Monday, August 20, 2012
Pre-surgery Blogger Meeting
Yesterday, I discovered what I believe is the best thing to do before you have surgery. Meet with a fellow blogger!
Rebecca from The Road Home was driving through several states on her way to a retreat, and it wasn't far at all for me to come meet her for a pit stop that lasted two and a half hours! We probably could have talked for the whole weekend and not grown tired. I think the Bob Evans wait staff was a little bit relieved when we finally cleared out of our booth. At least three different parties were seated at the table right next to us while we were there, haha.
In all seriousness, though, I am just so thankful that we could meet. I've never met with another blogger before (if you don't count Novie), and Rebecca is just sweet as pie and kind as could be. She told me a bit about her surgery experience, which gave me confidence that I could get through mine. We talked about our shared dread of bridal showers as well as baby showers (remind me to tell you about the latter sometime soon). We talked about work, our excellent husbands, and our families. The best thing about it was that meeting confirmed that we were already friends; we just had to fill in some of the practical details.
A part of me wants to run through the streets yelling: I have a friend who knows what I'm going through!!! I promise to restrain myself. Rebecca gave me an important gift yesterday, and that is the gift of love. Sometimes, it's just too hard to really love yourself, your whole self, when it's apparent that you have problems, that something is wrong. But meeting someone who is praying for me and who has been praying for me even before we met, that's so powerful, humbling, and comforting. Thank you to anyone who has prayed for me on this journey so far. I feel so safe in God's hands going into surgery tomorrow, and your prayers are helping me feel His love.
Tomorrow at 12:30 is surgery time! I will offer it up for you, my friends.
Sts. Cosmas and Damien, pray for us!
-Jan
Rebecca from The Road Home was driving through several states on her way to a retreat, and it wasn't far at all for me to come meet her for a pit stop that lasted two and a half hours! We probably could have talked for the whole weekend and not grown tired. I think the Bob Evans wait staff was a little bit relieved when we finally cleared out of our booth. At least three different parties were seated at the table right next to us while we were there, haha.
In all seriousness, though, I am just so thankful that we could meet. I've never met with another blogger before (if you don't count Novie), and Rebecca is just sweet as pie and kind as could be. She told me a bit about her surgery experience, which gave me confidence that I could get through mine. We talked about our shared dread of bridal showers as well as baby showers (remind me to tell you about the latter sometime soon). We talked about work, our excellent husbands, and our families. The best thing about it was that meeting confirmed that we were already friends; we just had to fill in some of the practical details.
A part of me wants to run through the streets yelling: I have a friend who knows what I'm going through!!! I promise to restrain myself. Rebecca gave me an important gift yesterday, and that is the gift of love. Sometimes, it's just too hard to really love yourself, your whole self, when it's apparent that you have problems, that something is wrong. But meeting someone who is praying for me and who has been praying for me even before we met, that's so powerful, humbling, and comforting. Thank you to anyone who has prayed for me on this journey so far. I feel so safe in God's hands going into surgery tomorrow, and your prayers are helping me feel His love.
Tomorrow at 12:30 is surgery time! I will offer it up for you, my friends.
Sts. Cosmas and Damien, pray for us!
-Jan
Sunday, August 5, 2012
In which Jan shares TMI
I keep thinking my upcoming diagnostic laparoscopy. I know that it’s minor surgery, but I am kind of getting freaked out. What if something goes wrong? What if I’m a mess in there and require way more serious surgery? What if the doctor doesn’t find anything wrong, what then? What if a minor cleanup is all that’s required and we actually get pregnant and have a baby?!
I know I have to calm down about it; it’s just another step on this journey. I’m just sort of convinced that something worse/more is going on than my NaPro doctor suspects. I have recurrent infections, which worries me. I’ve been susceptible to them since hitting puberty, but when I’ve gone to the doctor to get them diagnosed/treated lately, they often say they don’t find anything “but you do have a red spot here. Hmmm.” Thanks, that’s helpful. I told Dr. C about my infections when I first gave her my medical history, and she doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Something is wrong! I can feel it, and I’m not a hypochondriac.
And another thing that worries me is that last year I started having what Dr. C says is ovulation pain. It’s basically extreme tenderness in my lower abdomen starting with the day I ovulate. Sometimes it lasts for only a day or two, but sometimes (like right now) it lasts for a week or two. I can feel it all the time, and if I push on my stomach or drive over speed bumps (of which there are one dozen in my neighborhood), oof! The pain! Needless to say, when that’s happening, Husband and I are not getting any action in the bedroom.
All of this just makes me feel extra broken. I have felt a lot better over the last few months that maybe it just isn’t in God’s plan for us to have children, or to have biological children, or to have children right now. It still hurts my heart sometimes, but I feel more at peace than I used to. But all of this stuff with my body, the physical pain, it just makes me feel broken. When I have to keep telling Husband that we can’t make love because I think I have an infection or my insides just hurt too much, it’s extra frustrating, and it makes me feel like a bad partner in our marriage.
Finally, I realized that, lately, I haven’t been praying nearly as much as I used to. Even though I try my best to praise God through my prayers more than asking Him for things, as the months have gone on (we’ll be at two years of TTC on our 4th anniversary in a week and a half) and He hasn’t answered my prayers for a child, it makes me feel silly to keep asking. And I think that the asking part was what was giving me the impetus to pray.
I guess that last part is the only one I can fix on my own. Anyone have any favorite prayers you’d like to share to get me going? I love learning new prayers! And I plan on joining the St. Rita novena for JB on Monday.
St. Cosmas, pray for us!
Mother of Mercy, pray for us!
-January
I know I have to calm down about it; it’s just another step on this journey. I’m just sort of convinced that something worse/more is going on than my NaPro doctor suspects. I have recurrent infections, which worries me. I’ve been susceptible to them since hitting puberty, but when I’ve gone to the doctor to get them diagnosed/treated lately, they often say they don’t find anything “but you do have a red spot here. Hmmm.” Thanks, that’s helpful. I told Dr. C about my infections when I first gave her my medical history, and she doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Something is wrong! I can feel it, and I’m not a hypochondriac.
And another thing that worries me is that last year I started having what Dr. C says is ovulation pain. It’s basically extreme tenderness in my lower abdomen starting with the day I ovulate. Sometimes it lasts for only a day or two, but sometimes (like right now) it lasts for a week or two. I can feel it all the time, and if I push on my stomach or drive over speed bumps (of which there are one dozen in my neighborhood), oof! The pain! Needless to say, when that’s happening, Husband and I are not getting any action in the bedroom.
All of this just makes me feel extra broken. I have felt a lot better over the last few months that maybe it just isn’t in God’s plan for us to have children, or to have biological children, or to have children right now. It still hurts my heart sometimes, but I feel more at peace than I used to. But all of this stuff with my body, the physical pain, it just makes me feel broken. When I have to keep telling Husband that we can’t make love because I think I have an infection or my insides just hurt too much, it’s extra frustrating, and it makes me feel like a bad partner in our marriage.
Finally, I realized that, lately, I haven’t been praying nearly as much as I used to. Even though I try my best to praise God through my prayers more than asking Him for things, as the months have gone on (we’ll be at two years of TTC on our 4th anniversary in a week and a half) and He hasn’t answered my prayers for a child, it makes me feel silly to keep asking. And I think that the asking part was what was giving me the impetus to pray.
I guess that last part is the only one I can fix on my own. Anyone have any favorite prayers you’d like to share to get me going? I love learning new prayers! And I plan on joining the St. Rita novena for JB on Monday.
St. Cosmas, pray for us!
Mother of Mercy, pray for us!
-January
Friday, August 3, 2012
Jan's Quick Takes
I am a little sun-kissed, a few pounds heavier, and a lot overwhelmed at work. Why, January, you must have just returned from vacation! Indeed, I did. My parents still invite Husband and me to our family beach vacation at no cost(!) and it remains the highlight of our year. As in, Husband starts bringing it up in January, and we're still reminiscing about it in December.
I had my pre-op appointment on Wednesday. The only thing that really surprised me was just how involved it was: urine sample, pap smear, and a blood draw of 4 vials! I signed the paper that said I acknowledged the risks and was opting for the surgery. The big day is August 21st. Here we go!
Husband and I get pretty obsessed with the Olympics. If we could take the whole two weeks off of work to just watch Olympic play, I know we would. I do get annoyed with the "primetime" broadcast, because I cannot stay up until midnight for more than one or two nights in a row. Last night, I told Husband I was going to fall asleep on the loveseat, and he was to wake me up and put me to bed after it was over, and tell me who won what. Sounds like Team USA had a great day yesterday!
As I write this, I'm watching a recording online of the women's judo competition from yesterday. I've never seen judo before, and I cannot figure out this scoring. That hand to hand combat looks, well, exhausting. Those ladies are hardcore! I love it.
Husband and I watched the cycling with much interest over the weekend. Earlier this summer, we talked about getting bikes, so I've started trying to save a little bit for that.
It will probably be some time before we get bikes, though, because we have made a renewed effort to pay down our credit card debt. We get it under control, and then we lose control again. This time, right when we made that decision, an angel of mercy in the form of an unexpected check arrived to speed us on our way in these efforts. Thank you, God!
Finally, I'm going to Chicago next week for work. I hope it's a productive trip! As I mentioned before, things are rather overwhelming at work, but my new supervisor is the first person who is confident not only in me, but also in himself. He's also advocating for me with the big scary president, who really likes him. Yesss! He's coming into the office next week before I leave for Chicago, so we're going to spend some time working on my acquisitions plan. I'm a little nervous, but mostly excited. If I am going to stay in this job, and frankly this career, I am grateful that I'm getting to learn from my new supervisor.
For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Quick Update
I just want to quickly share the update from my NaPro appointment last week.
Husband is officially fine! I'm pretty relieved this is all on me, frankly. Husband told me he kind of wished something was wrong with him, I think because he doesn't want me carrying all the weight of our problems conceiving on my shoulders. But, I figure it is way easier to just work on fixing one person, and the woman at that, than two people.
My peak +7 blood draw revealed excellent progesterone, but oddly low estrogen, given that I was on tamoxifen that cycle. The doctor said she couldn't understand why my estrogen would drop below what it had been when I was on a lower dose of the medicine.
I'm currently on my first tamoxifen-free cycle in 5 months, and am already in the two-week wait. How time does fly!
The big news is that we've all (me, Husband, and Dr. C) decided it's time to do the diagnostic laparoscopy (she'll laser off any endo she can see while she's in there). It hasn't been totally confirmed across all channels yet, but we're looking at August 21st. I'm nervous about it, but I also feel ready. I am thankful that Dr. C understood that the lap wasn't something I wanted to rush into, and tried to treat the one thing she could tell was wrong for sure, my luteal phase deficiency.
There's a little part of me that hoping that I'll get pregnant before the surgery, but the realistic part of me knows that it's unlikely. Regardless, I am ready to take the next step to figure out what is going on and work towards clearing this up. Husband and I have talked a little bit about when it will be time to stop trying altogether, but we agreed that the time hasn't come yet. Hopefully we'll be getting more answers from this surgery and have more things to work on.
-January
Husband is officially fine! I'm pretty relieved this is all on me, frankly. Husband told me he kind of wished something was wrong with him, I think because he doesn't want me carrying all the weight of our problems conceiving on my shoulders. But, I figure it is way easier to just work on fixing one person, and the woman at that, than two people.
My peak +7 blood draw revealed excellent progesterone, but oddly low estrogen, given that I was on tamoxifen that cycle. The doctor said she couldn't understand why my estrogen would drop below what it had been when I was on a lower dose of the medicine.
I'm currently on my first tamoxifen-free cycle in 5 months, and am already in the two-week wait. How time does fly!
The big news is that we've all (me, Husband, and Dr. C) decided it's time to do the diagnostic laparoscopy (she'll laser off any endo she can see while she's in there). It hasn't been totally confirmed across all channels yet, but we're looking at August 21st. I'm nervous about it, but I also feel ready. I am thankful that Dr. C understood that the lap wasn't something I wanted to rush into, and tried to treat the one thing she could tell was wrong for sure, my luteal phase deficiency.
There's a little part of me that hoping that I'll get pregnant before the surgery, but the realistic part of me knows that it's unlikely. Regardless, I am ready to take the next step to figure out what is going on and work towards clearing this up. Husband and I have talked a little bit about when it will be time to stop trying altogether, but we agreed that the time hasn't come yet. Hopefully we'll be getting more answers from this surgery and have more things to work on.
-January
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
What do you do when your family is in pain?
I had something different planned today, but I really need to write this out. Last week my mom and step-dad came to visit us to meet baby J and to see my sister graduate from college. It was awesome to see them (its been over a year since we’ve seen them, that’s what happens when you live way on the other side of the country), but we witnessed close up the insane health issues that my step-dad is having. He has been having health problems for years, but in the last two they have spiraled into debilitating chronic pain and sickness. His official diagnoses is chro.nic fat.igue, but he has had several other issues as well (doctors keep going back and forth on whether these other issues are related to the chro.nic fat.igue or not). My step-dad and mom are constantly talking to new doctors, and trying new treatments and medications. Almost a year ago, he went on disability leave and he and my mom have struggled financially due to a lower income and medical bills. About a month ago, he went on a new medication that has been the best yet. He will go a week or more without having to stay in bed in agony all day—and yes this medication has been the best so far! A few months ago he was spending about four days of the week unmoving in bed.
I talk to my mom about twice a week so it’s not like I didn’t know all this. But seeing the destruction my step-dad’s illness has wrought on him physically and mentally was heartbreaking. He was originally not planning on coming since he had no way to know when he would crash, but the new medication he is on gave him hope he could make the trip. He did really well traveling here, and felt good Friday and Saturday, but Sunday he started to feel a bit sick. By the time Monday rolled around (the day they were set to fly home), he was completely miserable in bed. My mom was freaking out about whether or not they would be able to fly home. They did make it out, but it was not a pleasant flight home.
My step-dad has lost probably 60 pounds since he’s been ill. He was always a big muscular guy with just a little extra pudge (he gained after marrying my mom ). He used to be a huge talker. He is quite well read, and knowledgable about things form theology to how to run a dairy. Now he is mostly silent even when he is feeling good. When he does talk it is mostly about different medical plans he has tried. My mom is completely his caretaker, making sure he has his meds on time, making him food, helping him walk when it gets hard, and constantly seeing if he needs anything.
It is so hard to see what they are going through. My mom is coping surprisingly well. She seems to still see the good in life. My step-dad seems to really be struggling with depression. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to live constantly in terror and worry of pain. I wish so much I could do something for them.
-November
I talk to my mom about twice a week so it’s not like I didn’t know all this. But seeing the destruction my step-dad’s illness has wrought on him physically and mentally was heartbreaking. He was originally not planning on coming since he had no way to know when he would crash, but the new medication he is on gave him hope he could make the trip. He did really well traveling here, and felt good Friday and Saturday, but Sunday he started to feel a bit sick. By the time Monday rolled around (the day they were set to fly home), he was completely miserable in bed. My mom was freaking out about whether or not they would be able to fly home. They did make it out, but it was not a pleasant flight home.
My step-dad has lost probably 60 pounds since he’s been ill. He was always a big muscular guy with just a little extra pudge (he gained after marrying my mom ). He used to be a huge talker. He is quite well read, and knowledgable about things form theology to how to run a dairy. Now he is mostly silent even when he is feeling good. When he does talk it is mostly about different medical plans he has tried. My mom is completely his caretaker, making sure he has his meds on time, making him food, helping him walk when it gets hard, and constantly seeing if he needs anything.
It is so hard to see what they are going through. My mom is coping surprisingly well. She seems to still see the good in life. My step-dad seems to really be struggling with depression. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to live constantly in terror and worry of pain. I wish so much I could do something for them.
-November
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Starting Fresh
It's CD1 today.
Instead of feeling disappointed, though, I'm mostly excited. Ok, and in crampy pain, but the emotion is excitement. Before my last cycle started, I told Husband that I needed a break. A month or maybe two of not only not medicating for TTC, but actively avoiding. He wasn't quite ready for that, so we decided I'd take the tamoxifen that cycle, then next cycle take a break from meds. I told him that he had the complete responsibility for being hopeful, for reminding me to take my medicine, and for asking about what the monitor was saying about my ovulation.
Though it's impossible not to be a little hopeful, it was truly a relief to admit that I wasn't expecting results during that go-round. And once Husband realized that I was seriously, well, not paying attention, he finally started paying attention. Not that he doesn't care normally, but I'm always the one who brings up anything to do with fertility, so it was refreshing to have him start to ask questions about what was happening.
What neither of us predicted was that I wasn't going to ovulate until CD20, smack dab in the middle of our two business trips. I had a slight infection ahead of Husband leaving for his trip, so no relations happened in the time frame where there could have been even an outside chance of conceiving. Then I didn't return from my trip until P+5. No chance of conceiving there. When Husband departed for his trip, I realized that we quite certainly weren't going to conceive that cycle. Aside from being kind of annoyed about my ridiculously long cycles, I felt
FREEEEEEEE
I knew we weren't going to have a baby. I wasn't going to have a two-week wait like I'd had for the last, oh, 20 months. It was the kind of freedom that I'd have only gotten if we'd actively avoided, and Husband wasn't really on board with that choice in the first place. I would like to think that this last month was a little gift from God, preparing me for all of these pregnancy announcements and just giving my heart some much-needed rest. No worrying about what I was eating or drinking, and no brutal feelings of bitterness as AF arrives today after a week of learning about other people's joy.
And now I feel ready to get back out there again. Today, I'll pick up my prescription from the pharmacy, and I'll start praying again that this cycle could be THE cycle.
-January
Instead of feeling disappointed, though, I'm mostly excited. Ok, and in crampy pain, but the emotion is excitement. Before my last cycle started, I told Husband that I needed a break. A month or maybe two of not only not medicating for TTC, but actively avoiding. He wasn't quite ready for that, so we decided I'd take the tamoxifen that cycle, then next cycle take a break from meds. I told him that he had the complete responsibility for being hopeful, for reminding me to take my medicine, and for asking about what the monitor was saying about my ovulation.
Though it's impossible not to be a little hopeful, it was truly a relief to admit that I wasn't expecting results during that go-round. And once Husband realized that I was seriously, well, not paying attention, he finally started paying attention. Not that he doesn't care normally, but I'm always the one who brings up anything to do with fertility, so it was refreshing to have him start to ask questions about what was happening.
What neither of us predicted was that I wasn't going to ovulate until CD20, smack dab in the middle of our two business trips. I had a slight infection ahead of Husband leaving for his trip, so no relations happened in the time frame where there could have been even an outside chance of conceiving. Then I didn't return from my trip until P+5. No chance of conceiving there. When Husband departed for his trip, I realized that we quite certainly weren't going to conceive that cycle. Aside from being kind of annoyed about my ridiculously long cycles, I felt
FREEEEEEEE
I knew we weren't going to have a baby. I wasn't going to have a two-week wait like I'd had for the last, oh, 20 months. It was the kind of freedom that I'd have only gotten if we'd actively avoided, and Husband wasn't really on board with that choice in the first place. I would like to think that this last month was a little gift from God, preparing me for all of these pregnancy announcements and just giving my heart some much-needed rest. No worrying about what I was eating or drinking, and no brutal feelings of bitterness as AF arrives today after a week of learning about other people's joy.
And now I feel ready to get back out there again. Today, I'll pick up my prescription from the pharmacy, and I'll start praying again that this cycle could be THE cycle.
-January
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Would you like to share this purchase via Facebook or Twitter?
This is what Amazon wanted to know a few minutes ago when I purchased a new box of test sticks for my fertility monitor.
Umm, no.
I don't want to share this purchase with anyone.
Except my blog friends.
Thanks.
So this means another CD 1 has come and gone. I was pretty crushed on Friday when I started cramping, but it seemed like people and the weekend conspired to keep me from letting myself mope for too long, and by Saturday morning when AF officially arrived, I handled it alright.
On Thursday morning, we had another appointment with Dr. C. I think it might have been the best appointment yet. She said that my P+7 blood draw numbers from the second month of tamoxifen were excellent, an apparent improvement over a non-medicated month. Based on that, she wants to put me tamoxifen for up to the next four cycles. My dose has been boosted to 30mg/day, and unfortunately none of the pharmacies had the 10mg pill, so I am only going to get my first dose this evening, CD 4, rather than CD 3 when I should have. I hope that doesn't totally mess up this month.
What made this appointment so good, aside from my stellar P+7, was that when I asked Dr. C what exactly she's treating me for and considers my problem to be, she said that I have a luteal phase defect. This doesn't mean it's the only problem, but it feels so good to have a name for something right now. And, best/scariest of all, she said that if my only issue is an LPD, there is no reason I shouldn't get pregnant during these 6 months on tamoxifen. Well, that's two down and as many as four to go.
Now, I don't know if I think this is really the only problem. About my post-ovulation pain that lasted for a week and the significant pain during intercourse around then, she hazarded a guess that it was just ovulation pain. I don't know if I buy that, but I'm willing to be patient and find out. If I'm not pregnant at the end of the tamoxifen treatment, we're going to plan to do a laparoscopy. I feel good that we have a plan, and it doesn't involve rushing toward surgery quite yet. I wouldn't be able to do it yet anyway, so I'm relieved that I still feel like we're being proactive in the mean time.
Part of the reason I was so taken aback by AF arriving was because I had let myself get super excited after the appointment. If everything was super perfect, my cycle, our timing, etc., there should have been no reason that I wasn't pregnant. I could have been pregnant! Of course now I'm looking back and saying, Jan, girl, you are never pregnant, and one documented lovely cycle does not a baby make. At least, not usually.
In other news, Husband became my hero last week because he arranged for his test and we finally got to have our, ahem, mid-day liaison. :D We're waiting to hear about the results from that, hopefully sometime this week. I'm praying that everything is ok on his end.
I don't want to get too excited, too optimistic, because even just one day of that last week really got me down. But I know myself, and the hope is going to start taking over again and again. Please let it be worth it!
Sts. Cosmas and Damien, pray for us!
St. Therese, pray for us!
Our Lady of Good Counsel, Pray for us!
-January
Umm, no.
I don't want to share this purchase with anyone.
Except my blog friends.
Thanks.
So this means another CD 1 has come and gone. I was pretty crushed on Friday when I started cramping, but it seemed like people and the weekend conspired to keep me from letting myself mope for too long, and by Saturday morning when AF officially arrived, I handled it alright.
On Thursday morning, we had another appointment with Dr. C. I think it might have been the best appointment yet. She said that my P+7 blood draw numbers from the second month of tamoxifen were excellent, an apparent improvement over a non-medicated month. Based on that, she wants to put me tamoxifen for up to the next four cycles. My dose has been boosted to 30mg/day, and unfortunately none of the pharmacies had the 10mg pill, so I am only going to get my first dose this evening, CD 4, rather than CD 3 when I should have. I hope that doesn't totally mess up this month.
What made this appointment so good, aside from my stellar P+7, was that when I asked Dr. C what exactly she's treating me for and considers my problem to be, she said that I have a luteal phase defect. This doesn't mean it's the only problem, but it feels so good to have a name for something right now. And, best/scariest of all, she said that if my only issue is an LPD, there is no reason I shouldn't get pregnant during these 6 months on tamoxifen. Well, that's two down and as many as four to go.
Now, I don't know if I think this is really the only problem. About my post-ovulation pain that lasted for a week and the significant pain during intercourse around then, she hazarded a guess that it was just ovulation pain. I don't know if I buy that, but I'm willing to be patient and find out. If I'm not pregnant at the end of the tamoxifen treatment, we're going to plan to do a laparoscopy. I feel good that we have a plan, and it doesn't involve rushing toward surgery quite yet. I wouldn't be able to do it yet anyway, so I'm relieved that I still feel like we're being proactive in the mean time.
Part of the reason I was so taken aback by AF arriving was because I had let myself get super excited after the appointment. If everything was super perfect, my cycle, our timing, etc., there should have been no reason that I wasn't pregnant. I could have been pregnant! Of course now I'm looking back and saying, Jan, girl, you are never pregnant, and one documented lovely cycle does not a baby make. At least, not usually.
In other news, Husband became my hero last week because he arranged for his test and we finally got to have our, ahem, mid-day liaison. :D We're waiting to hear about the results from that, hopefully sometime this week. I'm praying that everything is ok on his end.
I don't want to get too excited, too optimistic, because even just one day of that last week really got me down. But I know myself, and the hope is going to start taking over again and again. Please let it be worth it!
Sts. Cosmas and Damien, pray for us!
St. Therese, pray for us!
Our Lady of Good Counsel, Pray for us!
-January
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Ovulation Confirmation
Warning: I'm about to talk about ovulation and cycles and (gasp!) relations with my husband. Feel free to skip this post if this isn't your deal.
*****
Still here? Ok, here goes.
This has been my first month using an ovulation monitor and trying to chart with the Marquette method. I did get ovulation confirmation, or as close to it as you can get on your own at home, I suppose. However, it was on CD 20. I often have really long cycles, and they have varied anywhere from 28 to 40 days. I call that 40-day one the biblical cycle.
When Husband and I first learned STM, we were avoiding, and we regularly found ourselves abstaining for over two weeks, as opposed to the week or so that the method advertises. I often thought that I must have been charting wrong. We were being very cautious and looking back, we probably could have not abstained quite so much. But all I knew was that CM was showing up right after my period ended and not going away, and that my temp didn't rise until really late in the game.
So in some ways, I'm comforted by the fact that the monitor indicated that my high fertility started on CD 9, but didn't indicate ovulation until CD 20. Though I fretted about it starting from, oh, CD 13 and onward, my hormones indicated that I did eventually ovulate, just super late. Vindication! My body really is kind of crazy.
On the other hand - is this part of the problem? That I ovulate so late? Given that my cycles most frequently last 32-36 days, that's still about a 2 week window for the luteal phase. But am I always ovulating late, even when it's more like 28 to 30 days? That seems like too short a timespan to me.
Another interesting thing is that CD 21, the second day I got the little egg picture, I woke up with a very uncomfortable abdomen. All day long, it felt...tender. And occasionally, well, the best way I can put it is "ouchy." Husband and I made love in the morning before work, and holy mackerel, talk about pain during intercourse! This is not the first time that any of these things has happened, and in fact I went to my primary care physician complaining of all of these things last summer, before I officially started investigating my IF, and they did a pap smear and a urine test, declared that I wasn't sick, and sent me on my way. What?!
Oh, sorry, I meandered a bit there. I was going to say that this is not the first time any of these things have happened; however, it is the first time that I could see that they happened right smack dab in my ovulation window. I don't know if that's medically meaningful, but to me it lends credence to the symptoms that I have been feeling. I have never pinned down when they were happening, other than usually in the second half of my cycle, and except for that first time when I went to the unhelpful doctor they haven't lasted more than a few days. Despite reading about symptoms for different conditions of which infertility is a symptom, I don't know what they feel like. That was real pain I was having on CD 21 and 22, and today on CD 25 I still feel a tiny bit tender. Whatever this means, I'm kind of relieved to have located them somewhere definitive in my cycle. And I think I feel more ready to keep investigating what's going on.
In the mean time, hope is not all lost and the 2WW is upon me. Here's hoping that next week's appointment with Dr. C exactly 2 weeks after Peak is filled with happy tears and not tears of frustration and fear.
-January
*****
Still here? Ok, here goes.
This has been my first month using an ovulation monitor and trying to chart with the Marquette method. I did get ovulation confirmation, or as close to it as you can get on your own at home, I suppose. However, it was on CD 20. I often have really long cycles, and they have varied anywhere from 28 to 40 days. I call that 40-day one the biblical cycle.
When Husband and I first learned STM, we were avoiding, and we regularly found ourselves abstaining for over two weeks, as opposed to the week or so that the method advertises. I often thought that I must have been charting wrong. We were being very cautious and looking back, we probably could have not abstained quite so much. But all I knew was that CM was showing up right after my period ended and not going away, and that my temp didn't rise until really late in the game.
So in some ways, I'm comforted by the fact that the monitor indicated that my high fertility started on CD 9, but didn't indicate ovulation until CD 20. Though I fretted about it starting from, oh, CD 13 and onward, my hormones indicated that I did eventually ovulate, just super late. Vindication! My body really is kind of crazy.
On the other hand - is this part of the problem? That I ovulate so late? Given that my cycles most frequently last 32-36 days, that's still about a 2 week window for the luteal phase. But am I always ovulating late, even when it's more like 28 to 30 days? That seems like too short a timespan to me.
Another interesting thing is that CD 21, the second day I got the little egg picture, I woke up with a very uncomfortable abdomen. All day long, it felt...tender. And occasionally, well, the best way I can put it is "ouchy." Husband and I made love in the morning before work, and holy mackerel, talk about pain during intercourse! This is not the first time that any of these things has happened, and in fact I went to my primary care physician complaining of all of these things last summer, before I officially started investigating my IF, and they did a pap smear and a urine test, declared that I wasn't sick, and sent me on my way. What?!
Oh, sorry, I meandered a bit there. I was going to say that this is not the first time any of these things have happened; however, it is the first time that I could see that they happened right smack dab in my ovulation window. I don't know if that's medically meaningful, but to me it lends credence to the symptoms that I have been feeling. I have never pinned down when they were happening, other than usually in the second half of my cycle, and except for that first time when I went to the unhelpful doctor they haven't lasted more than a few days. Despite reading about symptoms for different conditions of which infertility is a symptom, I don't know what they feel like. That was real pain I was having on CD 21 and 22, and today on CD 25 I still feel a tiny bit tender. Whatever this means, I'm kind of relieved to have located them somewhere definitive in my cycle. And I think I feel more ready to keep investigating what's going on.
In the mean time, hope is not all lost and the 2WW is upon me. Here's hoping that next week's appointment with Dr. C exactly 2 weeks after Peak is filled with happy tears and not tears of frustration and fear.
-January
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Saint Cosmas
In the first week of the year, I decided to use Jennifer Fulwiler's Saint's Name Generator to choose a patron saint for 2012. I've never had a devotion to a particular saint, other than St. Therese, and let's face it, she's a busy woman up in heaven. I ended up with a saint whom I have rarely thought about in the past, but it turns out, he might be the perfect saint for me this year!
Saint Cosmas.
I couldn't quickly find an image of St. Cosmas alone, but I don't think that he'll mind having St. Damian included. It turns out that these twin brothers are the patrons of doctors, pharmacists, midwives, and surgeons, because they are said to have been physicians way back in the third century who brought people to Christ by treating their ailments for free. As this is a year where I expect to experience more than my usual amount of medical intervention, I think St. Cosmas is the perfect saint from whom to be requesting intercession! And here's hoping that I need a midwife before the year is out! Other items of note about St. Cosmas: my glasses prescription needed a boost at my last eye doctor appointment a few weeks ago, prompting Husband to ask me if I could go blind eventually. Fortunately, St. Cosmas is a patron saint against blindness! And, due to the age-old crossover between barbers and surgeons, he's also the patron of hairdressers. I'm going to use that as a reminder to get myself to the salon more often.
St. Cosmas, pray for us!
-January
Saint Cosmas.
St. Cosmas, pray for us!
-January
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
What's happening on the IF front and other fronts
It's been ages since I've written anything! After the emotional return of AF (which you got to read about), and then the steeling of my will to bear down and fight, I decided to get my prescription for Tamoxifen (20mg) filled and took that on CD 3-7 this month. While I took it, I didn't notice any side effects they warned about, like hot flashes, (I think it's a pretty low dose), but I have did have a bit of a dry spell of CM. That made me nervous (and I'm still hoping things pick up enough so that I can identify Peak, which I'm already bad at, because I need to have a P+7 blood draw one of the two cycles that I am on the tamoxifen) but a couple of people posted about their dryness on Clomid, which assured me that this is probably a normal side effect. I've also had higher temps way earlier in my cycle than I ever have before. I'm guessing this is a side effect too.
As you can tell, and I may have mentioned before, I currently chart STM. Because so many people use Creighton, when I last went to my Napro-trained doctor, she surprised me by suggesting that I use Marquette. I talked to Husband about our options, and bless his heart, he didn't know what to say. He never really bothered to learn STM with me, so he isn't even sure how they would all differ. I sort of floundered for a bit after that and just felt stuck.
Last week, Rebecca wrote a post about why she and her DH use NaPro. She also linked to a post by Rae about why she, on the other hand, was not using NaPro. I so appreciated the opposing viewpoints of these reflections, and they both really helped me think about my choices for medical care. Husband is still having a hard time digesting our IF status, so it's hard to have a fruitful conversation with him about what we would or wouldn't be willing to pursue down the road. I know that I am still on board with having a laparoscopy if the tamoxifen doesn't help get the job done, but I also realized that we'll probably not be ready to go to Omaha any time in the next few years. When I asked in the past why everyone charts Creighton, the answer that came back was that Napro docs use it, and in particular that Dr. H uses it. Because my Napro-trained doc suggested something else, and I'm probably not going to be working with PPVI soon, I figure Marquette will serve for now. She didn't say this, but I'm guessing Dr. C suggested it because I don't have confidence in my CM observations, and maybe she is worried that I'm not ovulating, which would be the reason for the tamoxifen anyway. My charts have never been picture-perfect, and I do have a hard time identifying Peak. I am hopeful that this will help. It also feels good just to have made a decision. I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of my monitor in the mail!
But wait, there is not only IF news!
I'd told Husband last year that I wanted to learn more about Catholic bioethics, in order to be able to have the hard conversations that come up so often with friends, family, and others who don't believe in the sanctity of human life. So for Christmas, he bought me a couple of books by Fr. Robert J. Spitzer, S.J., Ph.D.. I'm reading Ten Universal Principles: A Brief Philosophy of the Life Issues and learning a lot! And, dare I say, I'm enjoying it? I hated my college philosophy course and generally feel like my mind just doesn't work the right way to understand philosophers. As I read, I'm keeping a journal of what I'm learning AND I'm underlining key sentences in the book, which is something I'd normally never do. Maybe the key to learning philosophy is learning something that I'm really interested in, and not just the prescribed 101 curriculum. I plan to post what I learn along the way here, as another way to help me understand all of this. I have to be able to explain it, then hopefully engage with others about it.
Work has entered a particularly stressful period. I knew this was coming (the end of year reviews), but I didn't know just how many other important work things these reviews would coincide with. I'm telling myself that I WILL get it all done and that I just need to stay focused. I don't usually reject a day off, but this could not have been a worse-timed three day weekend. Some work got done at home, though, so in the end I suppose it was nice to sit on the couch with my cat while doing research. It seems like the key to handling anything is trying to handle everything all at once. That way, I don't have time to fret about any particular problem. I'm thankful that it's shaping up to be a busy rest of winter and spring!
-January
As you can tell, and I may have mentioned before, I currently chart STM. Because so many people use Creighton, when I last went to my Napro-trained doctor, she surprised me by suggesting that I use Marquette. I talked to Husband about our options, and bless his heart, he didn't know what to say. He never really bothered to learn STM with me, so he isn't even sure how they would all differ. I sort of floundered for a bit after that and just felt stuck.
Last week, Rebecca wrote a post about why she and her DH use NaPro. She also linked to a post by Rae about why she, on the other hand, was not using NaPro. I so appreciated the opposing viewpoints of these reflections, and they both really helped me think about my choices for medical care. Husband is still having a hard time digesting our IF status, so it's hard to have a fruitful conversation with him about what we would or wouldn't be willing to pursue down the road. I know that I am still on board with having a laparoscopy if the tamoxifen doesn't help get the job done, but I also realized that we'll probably not be ready to go to Omaha any time in the next few years. When I asked in the past why everyone charts Creighton, the answer that came back was that Napro docs use it, and in particular that Dr. H uses it. Because my Napro-trained doc suggested something else, and I'm probably not going to be working with PPVI soon, I figure Marquette will serve for now. She didn't say this, but I'm guessing Dr. C suggested it because I don't have confidence in my CM observations, and maybe she is worried that I'm not ovulating, which would be the reason for the tamoxifen anyway. My charts have never been picture-perfect, and I do have a hard time identifying Peak. I am hopeful that this will help. It also feels good just to have made a decision. I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of my monitor in the mail!
But wait, there is not only IF news!
I'd told Husband last year that I wanted to learn more about Catholic bioethics, in order to be able to have the hard conversations that come up so often with friends, family, and others who don't believe in the sanctity of human life. So for Christmas, he bought me a couple of books by Fr. Robert J. Spitzer, S.J., Ph.D.. I'm reading Ten Universal Principles: A Brief Philosophy of the Life Issues and learning a lot! And, dare I say, I'm enjoying it? I hated my college philosophy course and generally feel like my mind just doesn't work the right way to understand philosophers. As I read, I'm keeping a journal of what I'm learning AND I'm underlining key sentences in the book, which is something I'd normally never do. Maybe the key to learning philosophy is learning something that I'm really interested in, and not just the prescribed 101 curriculum. I plan to post what I learn along the way here, as another way to help me understand all of this. I have to be able to explain it, then hopefully engage with others about it.
Work has entered a particularly stressful period. I knew this was coming (the end of year reviews), but I didn't know just how many other important work things these reviews would coincide with. I'm telling myself that I WILL get it all done and that I just need to stay focused. I don't usually reject a day off, but this could not have been a worse-timed three day weekend. Some work got done at home, though, so in the end I suppose it was nice to sit on the couch with my cat while doing research. It seems like the key to handling anything is trying to handle everything all at once. That way, I don't have time to fret about any particular problem. I'm thankful that it's shaping up to be a busy rest of winter and spring!
-January
Thursday, December 1, 2011
HSG Appointment
About a month ago, I had an HSG. It was both better and worse than I thought it would be. The results were good – the doctor says everything is normal and clear – so that’s good, certainly. On one hand, it was worse than I thought it would be because it actually did hurt when they expanded the balloon in my insides. The X-ray technician told me it usually didn’t hurt very much, you know the line they say about cramping about as bad as during your period. Yeah, it wasn’t exactly like that. I think I was just really surprised at the sudden sharp feeling, which is not at all what cramping during my period feels like. If I had been told to expect a sudden sharp feeling, it might have helped me! Also, it was kind of funny and kind of awful: the youngish male doctor had a bit of trouble with the speculum. You never want to hear someone who’s messing around down there say, “I’m having trouble finding your cervix.” Haha. I was tempted to tell him that I could find it really easily if he needed my assistance.
On the other hand, it went better than I had expected. Watching the results on the x-ray machine was really cool! Those were my insides I was looking at! And I had no idea how tiny a uterus and fallopian tubes would really be. Yes, I’m a big dork.
Husband thought he’d be able to come with me, but he realized the day before that he needed to be on his way to the airport during the procedure. I sucked it up and smiled and told him not to worry about it. I had toyed with the idea of asking my mom or mother-in-law to come with me, but I realized that this was something I could handle myself! Driving myself out there and waiting on my own in the waiting room forced me to be a big girl and kept me from leaning on someone else. I had to stand strong on my own! True, it’s not the first time anyone, including me, has gone to the doctor by herself. I feel like struggling to conceive is both breaking me down and making me stronger. I’m glad that this particular test added to my strength! I don’t know how much of this journey will do that for me.
-January
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Conceiving through sperm donation: two reflections
January's thoughts:
Novie and I have been discussing some articles about sperm donation that have been published in recent weeks. Some say that this is a personal decision, and it’s not my business, but I fervently disagree with that. I find that I am taking this issue personally.
Every article I read points to infertility as one of the primary reasons for employing donated sperm. However, if infertility or subfertility is your reason to use a sperm donor, it really seems like you are doing a grave disservice to yourself, your children, your current or future spouse, the sperm donor—heck, the entire population of the world, according to some experts. You have worked outside God’s law and will for your life and the sperm donor's; your child or children will have a biological parent they mostly likely will never know and possibly quite a few siblings that they always have to wonder and worry about; your current spouse will know that they were not enough for you; your future spouse will know that you did not have the patience to wait for them to come into your life. Some donors are learning that they have unexpectedly high numbers of offspring, which could affect their lives in untold ways. Included among those affected, are people experiencing fertility problems.
Sperm donation and ART methods make infertile women look like baby-obsessed creatures that would do anything to experience pregnancy and have babies, including using sperm other than their spouses’ or deciding that a child’s need for a father is outweighed by a woman’s desire for a child. I do not want to be lumped into that category! I deeply desire children and the whole wonderful and terrible experience of pregnancy. Some of my darkest days have been spent thinking that this may never happen for me. I can empathize with many of the emotions that other women who are not in a position to conceive or have children for whatever reason might be feeling. I haven’t officially been investigating my fertility problems for very long, but I am strongly affected by this year plus of trying to conceive. I can understand that looking into a future of uncertainty or certainty about never being able to have a child could make anyone feel desperate.
That fear and sadness is not an excuse, however. Excuses are not acceptable when it comes to creating new life, because every excuse is a self-centered one, and creating life is meant to be a wholly self-giving experience. I can’t think of a reason to have a baby using donated sperm that isn’t selfish.
If it turns out that I am never able to get pregnant, that will be crushing. But if (in a strange alternate universe) my husband were set on having a biological child of his own and decided to bring in a surrogate to get the job done, that would be 100 times worse. It would be a clear violation of our marriage vows. The gravity of the words “in sickness and in health” certainly becomes apparent when the “sickness” may be a lifelong situation that prevents you from having biological children. But if you can’t handle that incredible challenge, then what business do you have taking the act of creating life out of God’s hands?
It has been very valuable to me to hear Jan's thoughts on using donor sperm to conceive a child because when I initially read these two articles, (http://www.ncregister.com/daily-news/anonymous-no-more-child-of-sperm-donor-speaks-out/, and http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/06/health/06donor.html?pagewanted=all) I assumed I could not understand in a sympathetic way since I have had no trouble conceiving and having children.
Novie and I have been discussing some articles about sperm donation that have been published in recent weeks. Some say that this is a personal decision, and it’s not my business, but I fervently disagree with that. I find that I am taking this issue personally.
Every article I read points to infertility as one of the primary reasons for employing donated sperm. However, if infertility or subfertility is your reason to use a sperm donor, it really seems like you are doing a grave disservice to yourself, your children, your current or future spouse, the sperm donor—heck, the entire population of the world, according to some experts. You have worked outside God’s law and will for your life and the sperm donor's; your child or children will have a biological parent they mostly likely will never know and possibly quite a few siblings that they always have to wonder and worry about; your current spouse will know that they were not enough for you; your future spouse will know that you did not have the patience to wait for them to come into your life. Some donors are learning that they have unexpectedly high numbers of offspring, which could affect their lives in untold ways. Included among those affected, are people experiencing fertility problems.
Sperm donation and ART methods make infertile women look like baby-obsessed creatures that would do anything to experience pregnancy and have babies, including using sperm other than their spouses’ or deciding that a child’s need for a father is outweighed by a woman’s desire for a child. I do not want to be lumped into that category! I deeply desire children and the whole wonderful and terrible experience of pregnancy. Some of my darkest days have been spent thinking that this may never happen for me. I can empathize with many of the emotions that other women who are not in a position to conceive or have children for whatever reason might be feeling. I haven’t officially been investigating my fertility problems for very long, but I am strongly affected by this year plus of trying to conceive. I can understand that looking into a future of uncertainty or certainty about never being able to have a child could make anyone feel desperate.
That fear and sadness is not an excuse, however. Excuses are not acceptable when it comes to creating new life, because every excuse is a self-centered one, and creating life is meant to be a wholly self-giving experience. I can’t think of a reason to have a baby using donated sperm that isn’t selfish.
If it turns out that I am never able to get pregnant, that will be crushing. But if (in a strange alternate universe) my husband were set on having a biological child of his own and decided to bring in a surrogate to get the job done, that would be 100 times worse. It would be a clear violation of our marriage vows. The gravity of the words “in sickness and in health” certainly becomes apparent when the “sickness” may be a lifelong situation that prevents you from having biological children. But if you can’t handle that incredible challenge, then what business do you have taking the act of creating life out of God’s hands?
November's thoughts:
It has been very valuable to me to hear Jan's thoughts on using donor sperm to conceive a child because when I initially read these two articles, (http://www.ncregister.com/daily-news/anonymous-no-more-child-of-sperm-donor-speaks-out/, and http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/06/health/06donor.html?pagewanted=all) I assumed I could not understand in a sympathetic way since I have had no trouble conceiving and having children.
It was incredible to realize that we actually object to this practice for very similar reasons. We both feel like it comes between the unity between husband and wife. January is probably capable of more sympathy with someone desperate to get pregnant, but we both understand how important loyalty to our spouses' is.
I realize that many people who use a sperm donor to conceive are in homosexual relationships, or single women who want a baby on their own. I don't really feel qualified to discuss these other groups so in this post I'm only thinking of a heterosexual couple who use a sperm donor to conceive. I have a very emotional response to the whole idea of using donor sperm to conceive because for me having children has been such an intimate part of my relationship with my husband. I see every part of raising children as something that we do together, from conceiving, to changing diapers, to high school choices.
I want to have my husband's children, no one else's. Having another man's child feels like disloyalty to my husband. If we can't have any more children, we just won't have any more. We have agreed to carry on our genes only with each other.
As L gets older, it becomes more profound to me that she looks like us. It's shocking and exhilarating to realize that she truly has part of me and part of my husband. It is crazy to think that she grew from pieces of both of us inside me. Her very genetics pull us closer together.
However, adoption is in an entirely different category from sperm donation babies. I feel that adoption does preserve this unity between man and wife, because together they agree to raise a child that is not biologically theirs. They go through the adoption process together, and through each stage of child-hood together. This is another kind of unity that is created through adoption between husband and wife. I'm sure there are a whole new host of trials ready for those who choose to adopt, from dealing with strangers questions, to coping with past treatment that the couple had no part in.
This togetherness that biological conception and adoption bring into a marriage is intrinisc to how we bring children into the world.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
January's First Infertility Appointment
My husband and I went to our first infertility appointment last week. I had a P+7 blood draw because it just happened to be the right day, the doctor gave me an order for a hysterosalpingogram (HSG for short), and gave the husband a “Catholic collection kit,” as I'm calling it, because who doesn't like alliteration? We already have a follow-up scheduled for six weeks from now.
Dr. C was pretty great. She explained briefly some of the different things that could be going on, and how we'd go about detecting them. I felt like she really paid attention to us and gave us her time. Another thing I appreciated was that the office the very next day to inform me about the blood draw results. (They were normal, BTW). The nurse said, “Dr. C just wanted me to make sure I called you and let you know.” That might not seem like much, but I know they have a crazy-busy office, so it left a good impression.
The appointment, or, more accurately, its immediate aftermath, highlighted to me a key difference between me and my husband. Before we drove to work in our separate cars, I wanted to debrief about what we had heard and learned. Hubby was confused. “We have pamphlets and we can talk about it later. Dr. C explained everything, what's there to discuss?” I, on the other hand, kept saying “I just want to talk about it.” We went back and forth like this for a good minute, until husband was angry and I burst into tears.
“I'm just feeling overwhelmed by everything we learned,” I squeaked out.
Instantly, he understood. It turns out that he felt empowered by all of the information that had been shared with us, and he was ready to start knocking things off of the list. On the other hand, I have been reading up on fertility problems for months and already had a rough idea of the many things that could be going on. Being told by a doctor made them official and real; suddenly, any or all of them might actually apply to me.
So, my husband let me talk about my fears, we hugged it out, and as we each drove off to work, I began to feel better. We're going to start figuring out what there is to figure out!
Now that I look back on this interaction, how educational it was! My understanding is that men and women think differently from each other—I know my husband and I do—so communication is key. During our little spiraling argument, I thought that what I had been doing was communicating. It turns out that this was a lesson in exactly what I need to communicate. Husband needs a reason to discuss things, so first, I must communicate about why I want to communicate. Ah, marriage. Thanks to you, I shall never be done learning.
-January
P.S. - I'm trying not to be nervous about the HSG. Anyone want to share their not-too-scary story with me to give me courage?
P.P.S – Has anyone encountered resistance to their “Catholic collection kit” at the lab? Dr. C warned us that this could happen.
Dr. C was pretty great. She explained briefly some of the different things that could be going on, and how we'd go about detecting them. I felt like she really paid attention to us and gave us her time. Another thing I appreciated was that the office the very next day to inform me about the blood draw results. (They were normal, BTW). The nurse said, “Dr. C just wanted me to make sure I called you and let you know.” That might not seem like much, but I know they have a crazy-busy office, so it left a good impression.
The appointment, or, more accurately, its immediate aftermath, highlighted to me a key difference between me and my husband. Before we drove to work in our separate cars, I wanted to debrief about what we had heard and learned. Hubby was confused. “We have pamphlets and we can talk about it later. Dr. C explained everything, what's there to discuss?” I, on the other hand, kept saying “I just want to talk about it.” We went back and forth like this for a good minute, until husband was angry and I burst into tears.
“I'm just feeling overwhelmed by everything we learned,” I squeaked out.
Instantly, he understood. It turns out that he felt empowered by all of the information that had been shared with us, and he was ready to start knocking things off of the list. On the other hand, I have been reading up on fertility problems for months and already had a rough idea of the many things that could be going on. Being told by a doctor made them official and real; suddenly, any or all of them might actually apply to me.
So, my husband let me talk about my fears, we hugged it out, and as we each drove off to work, I began to feel better. We're going to start figuring out what there is to figure out!
Now that I look back on this interaction, how educational it was! My understanding is that men and women think differently from each other—I know my husband and I do—so communication is key. During our little spiraling argument, I thought that what I had been doing was communicating. It turns out that this was a lesson in exactly what I need to communicate. Husband needs a reason to discuss things, so first, I must communicate about why I want to communicate. Ah, marriage. Thanks to you, I shall never be done learning.
-January
P.S. - I'm trying not to be nervous about the HSG. Anyone want to share their not-too-scary story with me to give me courage?
P.P.S – Has anyone encountered resistance to their “Catholic collection kit” at the lab? Dr. C warned us that this could happen.
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