It's been forever since November and I have blogged, and I'm not sure what we're going to do with this blog. I'm thinking that if we bring it back to life again we should include some additional bloggers - there are 10 more months in the year for our super awesome pseudonyms! Seriously, if you're interested in contributing occasionally, let me know. novieandjan at gmail dot com. Right now we are one woman who experienced primary infertility and is now a mother of one and one woman with a history of strong fertility and is now a mother of two with one on the way. (Yay, Novie!) If you're in a different "season" than we are, married or unmarried, primary or secondary IF, even mother of grown children or past your childbearing years, maybe you could join us! I was also thinking that this might appeal to bloggers who might want to share some more personal things anonymously. Like I said, get in touch if you are interested.
So, yes, I am a mommy! My baby girl was born August 20th. She was 7lb, 4oz and 20 inches long. She has dark hair and eyebrows like me, but I think she gets much of her looks from her daddy, which no one was expecting! She's napping right next to me at the moment and making occasional squeaks and sighs in her sleep. The newborn stage is slipping right past us; she'll be two months old tomorrow. When do they cease to be a "newborn" and become an "infant?" Her skin still has that newborn softness that you can't even believe skin can have, but so many other things about her have changed. She's gained lots of weight, of course; her ears have become real ears; her lips have grown and a few weeks ago started giving me beautiful smiles. She holds her head up often on her own; it becomes steadier every day. Gah! I love her so much! It's really quite impossible to comprehend.
My baby girl is definitely inspiring me to write again, if only to try to give words to the overwhelming feelings she brings to my heart. Then there is all this whole "mom" world on the internet that I was willfully ignorant of in the past. It inspires lots of thoughts. Birth, fertility, NFP, jobs, marriage...it's all been in my head, but my head feels like it's an entirely new one since this little one arrived. Coming back to blogging could be just the thing.
Thank you to all who prayed for me during my primary IF journey and my pregnancy. Friendship in this age of the internet is a strange and ephemeral thing, but it never ceases to be of great value. I've been quiet here, but I keep you close in my prayers.
Love,
January
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Sunday, October 28, 2012
I shall not leave you orphans
I've gone and done it. I think my heart has been "sealed for the orphan," as I heard someone say once. Oh dear.
I didn't think it was going to happen to me. Husband and I are still committed to trying to figure out this IF thing, and I swore up and down that I wasn't going to learn about adoption until we were both ready. With Husband taking so much longer than me to even come to grips with the fact that we're experiencing IF, I knew that I should put it out of my mind.
For months, it was ok. I'd occasionally visit Leila's Orphan Report and maybe got onto Reece's Rainbow once to donate to Larisa. I poked around the site for a bit, said a few prayers for the kids, but then I moved on. It wasn't making an impact. Or maybe it was, just in tiny, tiny ways.
Leila posted a link to the documentary Bulgaria's Abandoned Children, a 9-part series that you can watch on youtube. It's horrifying; there's no other way to describe it. If you watch, there is a shorter follow-up series that's totally worth watching, so you can get to see some of the kids a year or so later.
Becky, who makes my favorite rosaries, has an adopted nephew, Alex, whose parents blog about bringing him home and helping him flourish. That blog regularly moves me to tears. Seeing that child smile, it's just incredible. But seeing the hard work that the adoption took, that parenting a special needs child who doesn't speak English (though that's changing) takes, that dealing with the medical system takes, honestly, it wasn't inspiring me to adopt. It was making me see all my flaws; I do not have the strength and wisdom to do what these people are doing.
Recently, I've been following this couple's journey to adopt two children. One is a 10-year-old girl, Maria, and the other is a little boy, Elijiah, whom they met on their first trip to meet Maria. Somewhere in the midst of reading about their adoption journey, I think I lost it. I started visiting Reece's Rainbow pretty regularly.
And then I saw this little girl:
My first thought upon seeing Marjorie was that she looks just like me! Really, she's basically mini-January, folks. Except that she's an HIV+ Eastern European orphan. Looking at her breaks my heart. Life for these kids after they age out of the orphanages is very, very hard. The idea of Marjorie ending up in any situation other than that of getting adopted by a loving family is something that's starting to keep me up at night.
I've still only learned a little bit about adoption, because Husband isn't ready to go down that path. I purposefully did not want to get ahead of him, because being ahead of him on our infertility journey was and is hard enough. We discussed it recently, and he's not in adoption land yet, much less international, special health needs, older child adoption land. But this little girl, she is my wake-up call. Whether or not we have biological children, it's time to learn about adoption.
So, I want to ask if you'd please pray for Marjorie. If you have extra spending money some month, think about making a donation to her adoption fund. If you know someone whose family is incomplete without this child with the big smile and even bigger personality, tell them that she's out there waiting. I might not get to be her mom, but I'd really like to help her mama and daddy find her.
I didn't think it was going to happen to me. Husband and I are still committed to trying to figure out this IF thing, and I swore up and down that I wasn't going to learn about adoption until we were both ready. With Husband taking so much longer than me to even come to grips with the fact that we're experiencing IF, I knew that I should put it out of my mind.
For months, it was ok. I'd occasionally visit Leila's Orphan Report and maybe got onto Reece's Rainbow once to donate to Larisa. I poked around the site for a bit, said a few prayers for the kids, but then I moved on. It wasn't making an impact. Or maybe it was, just in tiny, tiny ways.
Leila posted a link to the documentary Bulgaria's Abandoned Children, a 9-part series that you can watch on youtube. It's horrifying; there's no other way to describe it. If you watch, there is a shorter follow-up series that's totally worth watching, so you can get to see some of the kids a year or so later.
Becky, who makes my favorite rosaries, has an adopted nephew, Alex, whose parents blog about bringing him home and helping him flourish. That blog regularly moves me to tears. Seeing that child smile, it's just incredible. But seeing the hard work that the adoption took, that parenting a special needs child who doesn't speak English (though that's changing) takes, that dealing with the medical system takes, honestly, it wasn't inspiring me to adopt. It was making me see all my flaws; I do not have the strength and wisdom to do what these people are doing.
Recently, I've been following this couple's journey to adopt two children. One is a 10-year-old girl, Maria, and the other is a little boy, Elijiah, whom they met on their first trip to meet Maria. Somewhere in the midst of reading about their adoption journey, I think I lost it. I started visiting Reece's Rainbow pretty regularly.
And then I saw this little girl:
My first thought upon seeing Marjorie was that she looks just like me! Really, she's basically mini-January, folks. Except that she's an HIV+ Eastern European orphan. Looking at her breaks my heart. Life for these kids after they age out of the orphanages is very, very hard. The idea of Marjorie ending up in any situation other than that of getting adopted by a loving family is something that's starting to keep me up at night.
I've still only learned a little bit about adoption, because Husband isn't ready to go down that path. I purposefully did not want to get ahead of him, because being ahead of him on our infertility journey was and is hard enough. We discussed it recently, and he's not in adoption land yet, much less international, special health needs, older child adoption land. But this little girl, she is my wake-up call. Whether or not we have biological children, it's time to learn about adoption.
So, I want to ask if you'd please pray for Marjorie. If you have extra spending money some month, think about making a donation to her adoption fund. If you know someone whose family is incomplete without this child with the big smile and even bigger personality, tell them that she's out there waiting. I might not get to be her mom, but I'd really like to help her mama and daddy find her.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Pre-surgery Blogger Meeting
Yesterday, I discovered what I believe is the best thing to do before you have surgery. Meet with a fellow blogger!
Rebecca from The Road Home was driving through several states on her way to a retreat, and it wasn't far at all for me to come meet her for a pit stop that lasted two and a half hours! We probably could have talked for the whole weekend and not grown tired. I think the Bob Evans wait staff was a little bit relieved when we finally cleared out of our booth. At least three different parties were seated at the table right next to us while we were there, haha.
In all seriousness, though, I am just so thankful that we could meet. I've never met with another blogger before (if you don't count Novie), and Rebecca is just sweet as pie and kind as could be. She told me a bit about her surgery experience, which gave me confidence that I could get through mine. We talked about our shared dread of bridal showers as well as baby showers (remind me to tell you about the latter sometime soon). We talked about work, our excellent husbands, and our families. The best thing about it was that meeting confirmed that we were already friends; we just had to fill in some of the practical details.
A part of me wants to run through the streets yelling: I have a friend who knows what I'm going through!!! I promise to restrain myself. Rebecca gave me an important gift yesterday, and that is the gift of love. Sometimes, it's just too hard to really love yourself, your whole self, when it's apparent that you have problems, that something is wrong. But meeting someone who is praying for me and who has been praying for me even before we met, that's so powerful, humbling, and comforting. Thank you to anyone who has prayed for me on this journey so far. I feel so safe in God's hands going into surgery tomorrow, and your prayers are helping me feel His love.
Tomorrow at 12:30 is surgery time! I will offer it up for you, my friends.
Sts. Cosmas and Damien, pray for us!
-Jan
Rebecca from The Road Home was driving through several states on her way to a retreat, and it wasn't far at all for me to come meet her for a pit stop that lasted two and a half hours! We probably could have talked for the whole weekend and not grown tired. I think the Bob Evans wait staff was a little bit relieved when we finally cleared out of our booth. At least three different parties were seated at the table right next to us while we were there, haha.
In all seriousness, though, I am just so thankful that we could meet. I've never met with another blogger before (if you don't count Novie), and Rebecca is just sweet as pie and kind as could be. She told me a bit about her surgery experience, which gave me confidence that I could get through mine. We talked about our shared dread of bridal showers as well as baby showers (remind me to tell you about the latter sometime soon). We talked about work, our excellent husbands, and our families. The best thing about it was that meeting confirmed that we were already friends; we just had to fill in some of the practical details.
A part of me wants to run through the streets yelling: I have a friend who knows what I'm going through!!! I promise to restrain myself. Rebecca gave me an important gift yesterday, and that is the gift of love. Sometimes, it's just too hard to really love yourself, your whole self, when it's apparent that you have problems, that something is wrong. But meeting someone who is praying for me and who has been praying for me even before we met, that's so powerful, humbling, and comforting. Thank you to anyone who has prayed for me on this journey so far. I feel so safe in God's hands going into surgery tomorrow, and your prayers are helping me feel His love.
Tomorrow at 12:30 is surgery time! I will offer it up for you, my friends.
Sts. Cosmas and Damien, pray for us!
-Jan
Friday, July 27, 2012
Update!
Hello all! I haven't updated on the regular life stuff in a while so here are some snippets.
1. J is just about crawling! He does this little half scoot half crawl thing that is super cute. He's really fast though, so I am getting to experience having two mobile kids :) He is such a happy, gentle little guy.
2. L is potty trained! She is only wearing diapers for naps and nighttime, and occasionally when we go out if we won't have easy bathroom access. A and I celebrated it as a huge victory. We have successfully potty trained one whole kid! Although to be honest my strategy was plunk the little potty down in the living room, and Lu started using it. What a smartipants.
3. A is away for the weekend. He got invited to go on a bourbon tasting trip with a good friend. Initially I was horrified at the thought of him going (a weekend by myself with the kiddos!!) but after giving it some more thought I decided to tell him to go. That kind of chance doesn't come often, and we both believe firmly that we need to do the things we love in life while raising our children. So one day when he got home from work I surprised him with a tiny bottle of bourbon saying he could go on the trip. It's his birthday present. The kids and I have lots of weekend plans so that we don't get lonely. I have a coffee date this afternoon, and we have a birthday party to go to tomorrow. A gets back Sunday evening. We'll see how I survive my first weekend alone with both babies.
4. I have been mulling over my wish to get back into the technical writing field lately. I really need to start applying for jobs again. My job now works, but I would love to do something more in my field. I've also considered trying to find freelance work. Any readers do freelance stuff? I'm at a loss of how to begin such a project.
5. A and I went on a spectacular date last night. He brought me red roses when he got home so that I would have them to look at over the weekend while he's gone (sniff), then my sister watched the goobers while we went out for sushi! It had been quite a while since we've gone out and it was a much needed thing. Setting time aside like that is such a good opportunity for connection. We spent most of dinner talking about how grateful we are for each other and our babies. Ok now I have to go cry for a while in thanksgiving...
November
1. J is just about crawling! He does this little half scoot half crawl thing that is super cute. He's really fast though, so I am getting to experience having two mobile kids :) He is such a happy, gentle little guy.
2. L is potty trained! She is only wearing diapers for naps and nighttime, and occasionally when we go out if we won't have easy bathroom access. A and I celebrated it as a huge victory. We have successfully potty trained one whole kid! Although to be honest my strategy was plunk the little potty down in the living room, and Lu started using it. What a smartipants.
3. A is away for the weekend. He got invited to go on a bourbon tasting trip with a good friend. Initially I was horrified at the thought of him going (a weekend by myself with the kiddos!!) but after giving it some more thought I decided to tell him to go. That kind of chance doesn't come often, and we both believe firmly that we need to do the things we love in life while raising our children. So one day when he got home from work I surprised him with a tiny bottle of bourbon saying he could go on the trip. It's his birthday present. The kids and I have lots of weekend plans so that we don't get lonely. I have a coffee date this afternoon, and we have a birthday party to go to tomorrow. A gets back Sunday evening. We'll see how I survive my first weekend alone with both babies.
4. I have been mulling over my wish to get back into the technical writing field lately. I really need to start applying for jobs again. My job now works, but I would love to do something more in my field. I've also considered trying to find freelance work. Any readers do freelance stuff? I'm at a loss of how to begin such a project.
5. A and I went on a spectacular date last night. He brought me red roses when he got home so that I would have them to look at over the weekend while he's gone (sniff), then my sister watched the goobers while we went out for sushi! It had been quite a while since we've gone out and it was a much needed thing. Setting time aside like that is such a good opportunity for connection. We spent most of dinner talking about how grateful we are for each other and our babies. Ok now I have to go cry for a while in thanksgiving...
November
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
2nd Anniversary
It's A.'s and my second anniversary. I can't believe that two years ago today I was getting ready to marry him. What a joyful day that was! It has honestly been the best two years of my life. I had no idea that I would find love like this in life, and I feel so blessed by our marriage.
-November
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Kids Leave
Another thing that dawned on me this weekend with my parents--kids leave! Now I already knew this, but realizing that my brother, sister, and I were once my mom's little munchkins running around in diapers really made it hit home. She had days that felt lonely and crazy. She got sick of picking our playdough out of the rug, and of trying to get us to eat something vaguely considered healthy. But as we all sat around the table for Mother's Day brunch, I realized here are all three of us pretty much independent. My brother just finished his freshmen year of college, and although he is spending the summer at my parents' house, his time there in his life is probably quite limited.
I so often forget that the state of having little kids in the house is just a season in life. A season that goes by all too quickly. My mom takes such joy in holding her little grandchildren. She talks about what it was like when we were little and the joy she felt in raising us--and here we are all raised! My mom's work as a mother is in a drastically different season than mine. She has transitioned into offering advice and support rather than constant supervision and care.
Someday our kids will leave. They won't need us anymore, and in reality the whole point of raising them is so that they won't need us anymore. The goal is to help them become independent, clear-thinking people who can navigate the world mostly on their own. We hold them close so that they can be well formed and leave us. I realize that I will always talk to my kids and offer whatever motherly help I can, but there is a huge difference between offering advice and taking care of most of their physical and emotional needs.
This time we have with them when they are so small and helpless is a season. We have the honor of seeing them in their vulnerable beginning years and guiding them into adulthood. It is a season that is difficult but also hugely meaningful. It's strange to think that the time in their lives that I will remember so clearly they will remember very little of. We can only strive to imprint love on their little hearts so that they will always know how lovable and valuable they are.
-November
I so often forget that the state of having little kids in the house is just a season in life. A season that goes by all too quickly. My mom takes such joy in holding her little grandchildren. She talks about what it was like when we were little and the joy she felt in raising us--and here we are all raised! My mom's work as a mother is in a drastically different season than mine. She has transitioned into offering advice and support rather than constant supervision and care.
Someday our kids will leave. They won't need us anymore, and in reality the whole point of raising them is so that they won't need us anymore. The goal is to help them become independent, clear-thinking people who can navigate the world mostly on their own. We hold them close so that they can be well formed and leave us. I realize that I will always talk to my kids and offer whatever motherly help I can, but there is a huge difference between offering advice and taking care of most of their physical and emotional needs.
This time we have with them when they are so small and helpless is a season. We have the honor of seeing them in their vulnerable beginning years and guiding them into adulthood. It is a season that is difficult but also hugely meaningful. It's strange to think that the time in their lives that I will remember so clearly they will remember very little of. We can only strive to imprint love on their little hearts so that they will always know how lovable and valuable they are.
-November
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Siblings
I've been working on J's birth story (which I will post here at some point), and it's made me think quite a bit about siblings. It's so weird to me that my kids are each others' siblings! I have kids (plural!)! How crazy is that? Anyway, my sister has lived with us since J was born so I have gotten lots of time with one of my siblings. Also our baby brother has visited us several times in the last few months so all three of us have been together a few times since the new year. That sounds mundane and all, but I have not lived near my family in 6 years! So being with both of them at once is fairly unusual. I get along quite well with both my siblings. We tease and joke with each other, but I also know that if I ever need anything they would be right there for me. They are the first people I look to for advice (after A that is). For us growing up with divorced parents really pulled us together. We were close even when we were younger (we fought too, but isn't that just part of the closeness?), particularly during all the bouncing back and forth between my mom and dad's. We were always together. We homeschooled when we were young, so even during the day we were together.
We had our spats, and times when we really did not like each other much, but when it came to support and acceptance I knew my siblings were there for me. We often talked things over with each other before anyone else. When A and I found out we were having L I told my sister I was pregnant before the rest of my family. When I told my brother all he said was, "I love you." From a seventeen year old sheltered kid it was pretty amazing to hear that, knowing my parents'231 feelings about sex before marriage.
Having amazing sibling relationships makes me so excited to see L and J together. He's only four months old, but he already has lots of smiles for L. L has been fascinated by him since he was born. She always asks where the baby is, wants to know what he's doing, and if he is crying she immediately tells me, "Mommy, Ja (how she says his name), crying!" She will keep telling me he's crying until he stops. That little kid really keeps me on the ball! She often invites J to jump with her (she doesn't quite get the developmental stages yet). When he rolls over, she always wants to get down and roll with him. She's injured him several times, but always accidentally in her boisterous two-year-old wildness (for instance, kneeling on his hand while trying to tickle him). One of L's favorite activities of the day is changing J's diaper. Who would have thought changing a diaper could be fun?
I had no idea that they would have so much fun while J is still so young. It's a really sweet surprise. Seeing them together often makes me wonder what their relationship will be like as they get older. Will they fight all the time? Play all the time? Both? But even more, it makes me happy to know that as they grow up they will have each other. Someone to complain about their parents too, someone to share family jokes with, complain with, and get advice from. I'm sure they'll have many times in their lives where they really do not get along, but I hope that as adults they do end up appreciating each other and taking advantage of the unique bond they share.
November
We had our spats, and times when we really did not like each other much, but when it came to support and acceptance I knew my siblings were there for me. We often talked things over with each other before anyone else. When A and I found out we were having L I told my sister I was pregnant before the rest of my family. When I told my brother all he said was, "I love you." From a seventeen year old sheltered kid it was pretty amazing to hear that, knowing my parents'231 feelings about sex before marriage.
Having amazing sibling relationships makes me so excited to see L and J together. He's only four months old, but he already has lots of smiles for L. L has been fascinated by him since he was born. She always asks where the baby is, wants to know what he's doing, and if he is crying she immediately tells me, "Mommy, Ja (how she says his name), crying!" She will keep telling me he's crying until he stops. That little kid really keeps me on the ball! She often invites J to jump with her (she doesn't quite get the developmental stages yet). When he rolls over, she always wants to get down and roll with him. She's injured him several times, but always accidentally in her boisterous two-year-old wildness (for instance, kneeling on his hand while trying to tickle him). One of L's favorite activities of the day is changing J's diaper. Who would have thought changing a diaper could be fun?
I had no idea that they would have so much fun while J is still so young. It's a really sweet surprise. Seeing them together often makes me wonder what their relationship will be like as they get older. Will they fight all the time? Play all the time? Both? But even more, it makes me happy to know that as they grow up they will have each other. Someone to complain about their parents too, someone to share family jokes with, complain with, and get advice from. I'm sure they'll have many times in their lives where they really do not get along, but I hope that as adults they do end up appreciating each other and taking advantage of the unique bond they share.
November
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Love and Marriage and Divine Mercy
My best friend from college got married this past weekend. It was a lovely wedding, with a beautiful bride, proud groom, and many happy guests. It was not a religious ceremony, and some of the elements were a bit, um, unusual to me, but I'm glad that these two crazy kids are finally married.
Husband and I really enjoyed ourselves during the weekend. We road-tripped up and back (I'd consider a road trip in this case to be driving a distance that many people would normally fly), which is one of my favorite couple activities for us. Someday, I want to drive across the country together, and take different routes heading in each direction to see as much as possible. A good car adventure with my honey really makes me happy.
Today happens to be the anniversary of our first date. And not just any anniversary - the tenth anniversary! He had to leave this morning to travel for work, and then I'll be leaving this weekend before he gets back to travel for my own job, but I can't help feeling romantic about this. If he hadn't called me up and asked me out for ice cream (as directed by a mutual friend) back during that senior year of high school, we might not be here together today. I cannot explain how glad I am that we're together, no matter what. It is such an incredible blessing.
One little note about being IF - because what post from me is complete without one? - the bridesmaid who I was worried would be announcing her pregnancy at the bachelorette party is in fact now pregnant. 12 weeks! She must have found out right after the bachelorette party. I spent Friday being upset about it, but when I woke up on Saturday, I felt moved to pray about it. I prayed the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, which I really haven't been exposed to much. Saying those words over and over, "for the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world," was so cleansing. All of the ugly feelings of jealousy I had were washed away as I prayed. I know I don't want this other girl's baby, and I hated that I was so upset by it. I felt like I needed to ask God for His mercy, and praying the chaplet, I felt that I was truly receiving it. And the final prayer:
Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible,
look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us,
that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent,
but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will,
which is Love and Mercy itself.
How have I been making it through without praying this every day? Let me not despair or become despondent, Lord! Let me confidently submit myself to Your holy will! Amen, amen, amen.
I stood up after that prayer and felt completely renewed by the God's mercy. During the reception that evening, I sincerely congratulated the expectant parents and felt only joy in my heart for them. That right there was a miracle for me.
-January
Husband and I really enjoyed ourselves during the weekend. We road-tripped up and back (I'd consider a road trip in this case to be driving a distance that many people would normally fly), which is one of my favorite couple activities for us. Someday, I want to drive across the country together, and take different routes heading in each direction to see as much as possible. A good car adventure with my honey really makes me happy.
Today happens to be the anniversary of our first date. And not just any anniversary - the tenth anniversary! He had to leave this morning to travel for work, and then I'll be leaving this weekend before he gets back to travel for my own job, but I can't help feeling romantic about this. If he hadn't called me up and asked me out for ice cream (as directed by a mutual friend) back during that senior year of high school, we might not be here together today. I cannot explain how glad I am that we're together, no matter what. It is such an incredible blessing.
One little note about being IF - because what post from me is complete without one? - the bridesmaid who I was worried would be announcing her pregnancy at the bachelorette party is in fact now pregnant. 12 weeks! She must have found out right after the bachelorette party. I spent Friday being upset about it, but when I woke up on Saturday, I felt moved to pray about it. I prayed the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, which I really haven't been exposed to much. Saying those words over and over, "for the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world," was so cleansing. All of the ugly feelings of jealousy I had were washed away as I prayed. I know I don't want this other girl's baby, and I hated that I was so upset by it. I felt like I needed to ask God for His mercy, and praying the chaplet, I felt that I was truly receiving it. And the final prayer:
Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible,
look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us,
that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent,
but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will,
which is Love and Mercy itself.
How have I been making it through without praying this every day? Let me not despair or become despondent, Lord! Let me confidently submit myself to Your holy will! Amen, amen, amen.
I stood up after that prayer and felt completely renewed by the God's mercy. During the reception that evening, I sincerely congratulated the expectant parents and felt only joy in my heart for them. That right there was a miracle for me.
-January
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
A Little Bit of Faith
I can be a big whiner oftentimes. Particularly when it comes to faith and my own holiness (or lack thereof). I'm convinced that I am called to raise kids because it will whittle me into something resembling a good Catholic provided I allow it too.
I’ve always been a doubter. I remember growing up I would ask my mom these super intense theological questions. Inconsistencies in faith freak me out. But more than that, my ultimate question is how do we know? When I was little I used to ask God for some immediate tangible sign so that I could know for sure he was real. I wanted to see and believe even though I knew it was technically better to not see and yet still believe. I thought Thomas had the right idea, because he wanted to be sure. I’ve spent most of my life in some form of doubt about faith, because really, how do I, a small human, know what is true?
I keep coming back to my Catholic faith as what I have found to be most real and true. Plus, the Catholic Church feels like home to me. But my lingering doubts have always plagued me. I went through a particularly rough patch my senior year of high school. I just couldn’t reconcile the description of God to the world around me.
I’m going through a similarly doubtful time now, but this time something is quite different. Although I have trouble grasping fine theological points, I finally have an understanding of what the love of God really means. You see, in the past several years I have experienced love like I never have before. A has loved me, and shown me this love more than I knew was possible. I have also learned to love in a way I never have before. I love A with all of my heart, and together we love our children. This incredible experience of love has completely blown me out of the water, giving me a peace with God and his mysteriousness.
I know that love so powerful comes from something. God is love, and knowing that love like this exists helps me to believe in God in the faith and hope that He is ultimate love. I am comfortable now, not necessarily understanding fine points of theology because love is the most important part of this whole deal.
November
I’ve always been a doubter. I remember growing up I would ask my mom these super intense theological questions. Inconsistencies in faith freak me out. But more than that, my ultimate question is how do we know? When I was little I used to ask God for some immediate tangible sign so that I could know for sure he was real. I wanted to see and believe even though I knew it was technically better to not see and yet still believe. I thought Thomas had the right idea, because he wanted to be sure. I’ve spent most of my life in some form of doubt about faith, because really, how do I, a small human, know what is true?
I keep coming back to my Catholic faith as what I have found to be most real and true. Plus, the Catholic Church feels like home to me. But my lingering doubts have always plagued me. I went through a particularly rough patch my senior year of high school. I just couldn’t reconcile the description of God to the world around me.
I’m going through a similarly doubtful time now, but this time something is quite different. Although I have trouble grasping fine theological points, I finally have an understanding of what the love of God really means. You see, in the past several years I have experienced love like I never have before. A has loved me, and shown me this love more than I knew was possible. I have also learned to love in a way I never have before. I love A with all of my heart, and together we love our children. This incredible experience of love has completely blown me out of the water, giving me a peace with God and his mysteriousness.
I know that love so powerful comes from something. God is love, and knowing that love like this exists helps me to believe in God in the faith and hope that He is ultimate love. I am comfortable now, not necessarily understanding fine points of theology because love is the most important part of this whole deal.
November
Sunday, January 22, 2012
L's Birthday
Today is my daughter's birthday. It is also the day that the decision was made to allow millions of unborn children to be killed in the womb.
My husband and I (at that time A was just my boyfriend) found out I was pregnant a few weeks after we graduated from college. I was actually pregnant when we graduated, I just didn't know it yet. We had both just moved to DC. I was a swim teacher and was starting an internship with plans to return to my home state of California for an excellent job I had secured for the beginning of the school year. A was also interning for the summer, while working at a coffee shop. He was ready to begin a masters program in DC in the Fall.
We were planning on getting married, but our breach of our own morals in the chastity department proved quite confusing in fully committing to each other. Finding out I was pregnant we put these plans on hold. Now the most important thing was figuring out what we needed to do for this baby. That summer was one of the most stressful, and also beautiful of my life. We had some very difficult conversations in the first weeks of finding out. We quickly realized that in order to figure out how to best care for our child, we needed to figure out if we wanted to be together or not. Although we both thought we wanted to be married, the pregnancy had shaken both of us. So we made a deal. If we weren't going to stay together, we would give our little baby up for adoption. We were both adamant that we wanted to make sure this baby had a responsible mother and father who loved the child and each other. At that point we weren't completely positive we could be that. After making that decision, we felt we had adequate time to discern our own relationship, and see if we could be those parents we wanted for our baby.
After those first few weeks, and dealing with the discouraging reactions from our family, the summer became a stressful and romantic time for us. We had no money, but we knew that despite everything we were still in love, still wanted to be together, and wanted to raise our child together. We learned to rely on each other completely being in a new city thousands of miles away from our families. We had our first ultrasound at 14 weeks and both cried seeing our little babe for the first time. Slowly things began to fall into place. God seemed to be watching over us as jobs came through in the nick of time. Slowly our panicked talks of adoption faded away, and we started instead planning how to take care of our little family. In September when I was almost five months pregnant, A proposed to me. We squealed and celebrated, and started planning our wedding.
L was born 8 days before her due date, on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, January 22nd. The irony was not lost on us, since in many ways we were great candidates for abortion. We weren't in the most dire of situations, but we were both fresh graduates, with lots of potential and job possibilities now burdened with the responsibility of raising a child together. We were extremely poor. But seeing our little newborn daughter together made those objections to her birth seem completely silly. We were going to figure it out!
Today L turns two, and she is a joyful, spirited little elf-girl. She is constantly amazing us with her quick mind, and nimble feet. She is constantly helping us working out our purgatory time with her tantrums and sometimes crazy sleep :) We cannot imagine our lives without her. Have our lives been harder because we had a baby long before we planned or the world says is acceptable? Probably. But our lives have also been full of learning and joy and happy tears thanks to this tiny, improbable blessing.
-November
My husband and I (at that time A was just my boyfriend) found out I was pregnant a few weeks after we graduated from college. I was actually pregnant when we graduated, I just didn't know it yet. We had both just moved to DC. I was a swim teacher and was starting an internship with plans to return to my home state of California for an excellent job I had secured for the beginning of the school year. A was also interning for the summer, while working at a coffee shop. He was ready to begin a masters program in DC in the Fall.
We were planning on getting married, but our breach of our own morals in the chastity department proved quite confusing in fully committing to each other. Finding out I was pregnant we put these plans on hold. Now the most important thing was figuring out what we needed to do for this baby. That summer was one of the most stressful, and also beautiful of my life. We had some very difficult conversations in the first weeks of finding out. We quickly realized that in order to figure out how to best care for our child, we needed to figure out if we wanted to be together or not. Although we both thought we wanted to be married, the pregnancy had shaken both of us. So we made a deal. If we weren't going to stay together, we would give our little baby up for adoption. We were both adamant that we wanted to make sure this baby had a responsible mother and father who loved the child and each other. At that point we weren't completely positive we could be that. After making that decision, we felt we had adequate time to discern our own relationship, and see if we could be those parents we wanted for our baby.
After those first few weeks, and dealing with the discouraging reactions from our family, the summer became a stressful and romantic time for us. We had no money, but we knew that despite everything we were still in love, still wanted to be together, and wanted to raise our child together. We learned to rely on each other completely being in a new city thousands of miles away from our families. We had our first ultrasound at 14 weeks and both cried seeing our little babe for the first time. Slowly things began to fall into place. God seemed to be watching over us as jobs came through in the nick of time. Slowly our panicked talks of adoption faded away, and we started instead planning how to take care of our little family. In September when I was almost five months pregnant, A proposed to me. We squealed and celebrated, and started planning our wedding.
L was born 8 days before her due date, on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, January 22nd. The irony was not lost on us, since in many ways we were great candidates for abortion. We weren't in the most dire of situations, but we were both fresh graduates, with lots of potential and job possibilities now burdened with the responsibility of raising a child together. We were extremely poor. But seeing our little newborn daughter together made those objections to her birth seem completely silly. We were going to figure it out!
Today L turns two, and she is a joyful, spirited little elf-girl. She is constantly amazing us with her quick mind, and nimble feet. She is constantly helping us working out our purgatory time with her tantrums and sometimes crazy sleep :) We cannot imagine our lives without her. Have our lives been harder because we had a baby long before we planned or the world says is acceptable? Probably. But our lives have also been full of learning and joy and happy tears thanks to this tiny, improbable blessing.
-November
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Baby J
Hello everyone! Baby J was born over a week ago, and I'm feeling pretty normal. I'm still feeling a bit hormonal, getting randomly weepy, but that's not really that unusual for me anyway :)
In some ways J's birth was very similar to L's, and in other ways quite different. They were both about 4 hours long, and were both uncomplicated. They were almost the same size, she was 6 pounds, 4 ounces, and he was 6 pounds, 5 ounces. The biggest difference was in our surroundings. I would describe L's birth as peaceful and focused, but baby J came into the world a bit more violently. This difference is mainly because L was delivered by a midwife in a birthcenter. However, due to insurance and issues we had finding a midwife this time, J was born in a hospital birth center, which despite what we thought was descent research and question asking, was extremely bureaucratic.
In discussing birth with other women, most have described it as either a completely awful painful experience, or something spiritual and peaceful. I think of birth a little differently, for both of my children I have seen their births as an athletic event. Seriously. I think it's all those years of cross country, working through intense pain up those hills prepared me for birth like nothing else. The way the pain comes in waves in running is similar to contractions for me, and the biggest effort comes at the end of a race in an intensely painful and satisfying way, just like the final pushing in birth.
Although baby J's birth was a more violent than I was expecting due to the crazy hospital rules, I felt totally and completely supported by my husband. Mainly, he spoke for me, and vied for my wishes, but he also rubbed my back and neck through every single contraction. One particularly bad point during labor I threw up, and was having the IV port put in my arm simultaneously. It was a pretty awful combination, and my husband is pretty squeamish particularly about anything to do with veins, and throwing up. Yet he held a bag for me, and kept on holding onto me. It was completely awful, but I felt extraordinarily loved by him in that moment hearing him trying to hold it together so he could be there for me.
Just like finishing my races, finally pushing my baby out was a moment of triumph for me. I felt powerful. I had endured all this crazy contraction pain, yet when it was time to push I knew exactly what I had to do.
My main sadness in the birth is that is was so stressful for A. He was worried about me, since none of the nurses listened to my wishes in the birth. Also the doctor didn't make it to the actual birth which was also extremely stressful for everyone, especially A.
However, once we saw our new little babe, we were able to let go of our frustrations with the hospital setting. He is gorgeous, and perfect. We've had a bonding week for our little family. It has been completely nuts, and we are definitely more sleep deprived than normal, but we are in love with our new little boy. Even L is quite taken with him :)
November
In some ways J's birth was very similar to L's, and in other ways quite different. They were both about 4 hours long, and were both uncomplicated. They were almost the same size, she was 6 pounds, 4 ounces, and he was 6 pounds, 5 ounces. The biggest difference was in our surroundings. I would describe L's birth as peaceful and focused, but baby J came into the world a bit more violently. This difference is mainly because L was delivered by a midwife in a birthcenter. However, due to insurance and issues we had finding a midwife this time, J was born in a hospital birth center, which despite what we thought was descent research and question asking, was extremely bureaucratic.
In discussing birth with other women, most have described it as either a completely awful painful experience, or something spiritual and peaceful. I think of birth a little differently, for both of my children I have seen their births as an athletic event. Seriously. I think it's all those years of cross country, working through intense pain up those hills prepared me for birth like nothing else. The way the pain comes in waves in running is similar to contractions for me, and the biggest effort comes at the end of a race in an intensely painful and satisfying way, just like the final pushing in birth.
Although baby J's birth was a more violent than I was expecting due to the crazy hospital rules, I felt totally and completely supported by my husband. Mainly, he spoke for me, and vied for my wishes, but he also rubbed my back and neck through every single contraction. One particularly bad point during labor I threw up, and was having the IV port put in my arm simultaneously. It was a pretty awful combination, and my husband is pretty squeamish particularly about anything to do with veins, and throwing up. Yet he held a bag for me, and kept on holding onto me. It was completely awful, but I felt extraordinarily loved by him in that moment hearing him trying to hold it together so he could be there for me.
Just like finishing my races, finally pushing my baby out was a moment of triumph for me. I felt powerful. I had endured all this crazy contraction pain, yet when it was time to push I knew exactly what I had to do.
My main sadness in the birth is that is was so stressful for A. He was worried about me, since none of the nurses listened to my wishes in the birth. Also the doctor didn't make it to the actual birth which was also extremely stressful for everyone, especially A.
However, once we saw our new little babe, we were able to let go of our frustrations with the hospital setting. He is gorgeous, and perfect. We've had a bonding week for our little family. It has been completely nuts, and we are definitely more sleep deprived than normal, but we are in love with our new little boy. Even L is quite taken with him :)
November
Monday, October 3, 2011
Taking Time for Each Other: The Fertility-Challenged Couple
It is often said that parents need to make sure they take time as a couple to keep the spark in their relationship alive. I think that married couples without children need to do this just as much. Having difficulty conceiving particularly requires couples to make time to appreciate each other.
When we started trying to conceive, we were so thrilled. This was a bigger decision than we'd ever made before; we wanted to bring new life into the world! And we would be doing it together! Making love took on a whole new dimension –instead of waiting until I was sure I wasn't fertile, we started aiming directly for that time. We were flushed with love for each other; there was so much joy in our hearts.
But when the months went by, and the stick just wasn't turning pink, I wondered whether something was wrong and the thoughts started piling up in my head. Why is it taking so long? Is there something not working in me, in him? Why do most other people not have problems with this? Is God telling us that there's something wrong with our relationship, that we're not good enough to be parents? Oh Lord, are we doing this sex thing all wrong?
All of those thoughts started to overwhelm me recently. My anxiety made everything less fun, and it made my husband and me irritated and upset with each other, even over little things. Even making love felt less about, well, making love. Where was our spark of joy, our romantic glow? I realized that it was time to take a step back and not just focus on trying to have a baby. I had something in my life already that I needed to nurture so it could grow, and that was my marriage.
My husband's job is very demanding of his time; in addition to the daily hours, he travels for work several months out of the year. As a result, my job is both my regular job and the majority of household chores. My husband is a night owl and I am a morning person. There are many things standing in the way of our spending time together as a couple; sometimes we start to drift apart, just because we haven't seen each other in a week. Well-meaning people occasionally remark to me that our married life will change when we have children, so I should value all of our "just us" time now. The question I ask myself when they say that is "What 'just us' time?" All of this is to say that even though we don't have children, we still have to intentionally plan to spend time together.
So, we've started making a point to spoil ourselves on the weekends by cooking big breakfasts or having Saturday lunch dates. We walk in our neighborhood and take drives to new places nearby. We went through training to become extraordinary ministers of communion, and now we get to share a greater connection to Jesus in the Eucharist, our parish, and each other by serving in the Mass.
I told my husband last night that a few months ago I had decided to start acting as if we were newlyweds again, showing him more tenderness and affection. He told me that he had noticed the difference!
This doesn't mean that everything is perfect; in fact, this weekend he and I had one of our not-so-infrequent discussions about remembering to put our relationship ahead of the above-mentioned, demanding job. What it does mean is that we have recognized that we can't ignore our relationship and think that couple time is only for those whose families are bigger than two people. We have to act to keep the love alive, and it will multiply in our hearts, even if it isn't multiplying the size of our family just yet.
—January
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)