This post talked about joy and happiness in parenting based on an interview of Jennifer Senior that I heard on Fresh Air. I want to continue to reference that interview in this post as well. It's a long interview, 38 minutes or so, but I really do recommend it. It was so interesting.
Something that really stood out to me in Senior's interview was the part where she talked about "being the standard." She said that men and women tend to have wildly different viewpoints on how good of a parent they are, and that it's because, as with so many things, they approach the question differently. She said that it was really put into words by one father, when he said that when he is in charge of childcare in his home, he thinks of himself as the standard. So, basically, he's measuring himself against himself. Women, on the other hand, tend to measure themselves not against themselves, but against others. And in today's connected world, we women have millions of other women we can access instantly to compare ourselves with. We end up thinking we are not doing a good job at parenting, because we lift up others as the standard, rather than making the best that we can do our standard.
Wow! I found this to be so deep! :D I guess in some ways it's kind of obvious, but I feel like I got so much out of this tidbit. I try to stay pretty positive about my parenting skills, but I have found that I can start to feel blue about my qualifications and it seems like the internet is out to make me feel like a failure.
For example, a friend asked me to join her facebook group for eco-friendly, attachment parenting sorts of moms. So I did. I mean, we cloth diaper, which is pretty green, right? And we don't co-sleep, but I surely love to babywear (G naps in her Moby wrap as I type this). So I figured I could fit in and learn new things. Well, to be honest, I think being in this group is making me feel worse instead of better. I am clearly not living as green a life as I could be, which is making me feel guilty. I don't DIY or craft or find miraculous new uses for stuff around my house, so of course, I couldn't go to the DIY exchange get together they had this week. I'm not out and about doing activities that are enriching to me, G, or the community. I'm feeling crappy and I really do think it's all because of this stupid facebook group. It's making me feel like there is this standard of green attachment parenthood that all these other moms are living up to that I am finding impossible. It's making me feel like my best is not a good enough standard to measure myself with.
Telling myself that my best should be my standard (or better yet, Christ should be my standard?!) is something I'm trying to do more now, when I start beating myself up. It really can be so easy to look at others and not see yourself as good enough. Things that have occurred to me just in the last few days include:
I am not a good enough blogger. Everyone blogs more than I do.
I am not maintaining my in/fertility perspective well. I am acting and thinking like I'm fertile now, and I don't know if I am or not! This makes me just as insensitive as the people who never struggled with fertility in the first place.
I am not a very good Catholic. It's been ages since I went to confession, but not since I received communion. I have not been doing anything to help the body of Christ. I feel so guilty (maybe I am a good Catholic, then? Kidding, kidding).
It's time to tell myself to remember what my standards should be. They should be me being my best self, not me trying to be like other moms, other bloggers, other people. They should be Christ and his mother Mary. My inspirations should be just that, inspiring, not defeating. Time to quit a certain facebook group and find myself a Lenten reconciliation service, perhaps. Do you ever find yourself in this spot? How do you move out of it?
-January
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Friday, April 4, 2014
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Joy in Parenthood
Husband and I heard Jennifer Senior, the author of All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood, interviewed on a public radio show, Fresh Air, a few months back. It was such an informative show, (here's the link to it http://www.npr.org/2014/02/04/271416048/are-we-having-fun-yet-new-book-explores-the-paradox-of-parenting) and I'd really like to read her book. Senior talked about how there have been studies indicating that people did not enjoy the tasks of parenting, and these studies have been used as proof in various, popular articles that state that people are not as happy when they have kids. I have encountered a few of these studies and articles and found them to be very frustrating, even before we had our daughter. They seemed like a direct attack on the culture of life, and of course they backed up with studies, so they must be true.
Now that we are parents, I find claims that our happiness is decreased simply to be laughable. Not to brag, but I don't think we've ever been as happy as we are right now.
Senior explained how one of the most frequently-cited studies arrived at its findings, which it turns out I am not the only person to disagree with. Apparently the person who created the study asked people to indicate their happiness level when doing certain tasks, like vacuuming, changing a diaper, watching a funny movie, and so forth. Changing a diaper did not rate very high, nor did a lot of other discreet tasks in parenting. However, things like watching a funny movie did get rated highly. It sounds like people weren't being asked to compare their happiness in parenting to other things, but rather to rate concrete childcare acts. This resulted in the entirety of parenting being given a happiness rating lower than watching Dumb and Dumber.
The author went on to explain that she has found that, as the title of her book indicates, parenthood isn't necessarily "fun" but it is absolutely "joyful." I loved the example she gave, that hearing your child laugh is way better and deeper than any cheap thrill, giving you real joy. She's so right! Getting up for the 5th time in one night to care for my child is not fun, but I'll be darned if any and every act of love and service I do for her doesn't result in my sincere happiness.
-January
Now that we are parents, I find claims that our happiness is decreased simply to be laughable. Not to brag, but I don't think we've ever been as happy as we are right now.
Senior explained how one of the most frequently-cited studies arrived at its findings, which it turns out I am not the only person to disagree with. Apparently the person who created the study asked people to indicate their happiness level when doing certain tasks, like vacuuming, changing a diaper, watching a funny movie, and so forth. Changing a diaper did not rate very high, nor did a lot of other discreet tasks in parenting. However, things like watching a funny movie did get rated highly. It sounds like people weren't being asked to compare their happiness in parenting to other things, but rather to rate concrete childcare acts. This resulted in the entirety of parenting being given a happiness rating lower than watching Dumb and Dumber.
The author went on to explain that she has found that, as the title of her book indicates, parenthood isn't necessarily "fun" but it is absolutely "joyful." I loved the example she gave, that hearing your child laugh is way better and deeper than any cheap thrill, giving you real joy. She's so right! Getting up for the 5th time in one night to care for my child is not fun, but I'll be darned if any and every act of love and service I do for her doesn't result in my sincere happiness.
-January
Saturday, March 22, 2014
The Path I'm On
Ever catch yourself praying more when you are hurting or in need of something, rather than when you are happy and feeling satisfied? I am prone to doing that. I am also prone to not being much of a writer unless I have some anxiety weighing on me. As you may have noticed, when I feel good, I write either inanity or nothing at all.
My little girl, G, is now seven months old. She scootches around the floor, not with a fully developed crawl, but rather like someone doing the butterfly stroke in the pool. Arms, body, legs, arms, body, legs. She cannot stand to have me out of her sight, or even not looking at her for long. So, she and I spend all of our time together. We play on the floor in the living room, she bounces in a jumper in the kitchen, she sits in a little green chair with me when I use the bathroom or take a shower.
G's newest obsession is pulling up to standing whenever possible. Whether using my legs, the sofa, the edge of her little plastic bath tub, she holds on for dear life and pushes and pulls herself up. Then she lets go! She has this unwavering belief that she can balance on her own. This means there have been a lot of falls lately. I try not to make a big deal of them, just smile at her, scoop her up, and say "Kaboom!" Sometimes she cries, sometimes she doesn't. It's amazing how resilient little ones are.
* * *
One of those niggling little thoughts in my head when I was struggling to conceive was that maybe God didn't think I'd be a good mother. Maybe He knew that I didn't have what it takes.
I am relieved to find out that this worry was unfounded. I am a good mother. This is not to toot my own horn or anything. But it turns out that I am a good mother, and God was not withholding anything from me because He knew I would fail. It's not easy. I am challenged every day, throughout the day. We don't live close enough to family that I can go see my mom during the day, so she gets a lot of phone calls instead. I cry sometimes, mostly on days when I'm really exhausted. Thankfully, those days are fewer right now, as G grows and I get more experience. (I have been warned that just when you think you've got it figured out, everything changes on you again. But isn't that life?)
A friend of Novie who had three kids very close together asked me how I liked motherhood. I told her that I loved it. She looked at me very seriously and asked "But isn't it lonely? Especially when you have just one." Yes, it is absolutely lonely. Only you are the mommy, capable of giving your baby everything she needs. You haven't yet met other people home caring for their children during the day, so you don't have friends with whom you can sit and talk, who can hold your baby for just five minutes. But that changes; you meet people, your little one grows, the two of you get out of the house together.
What gets me through every challenge, though, is the waiting we had to do to get here. The wanting our child so much that it hurt. I get to look at my daughter and see a miracle. I draw on the strength I built up while trying to conceive, and I wonder what it's like to be a mother who didn't struggle to have her child. Obviously, it can be done :) but it's not the path I'm on, and I've realized that I am thankful for that. I can only imagine what I would be like if I were still a primary IF-er, and in the same way I can only imagine what I would be like if I were never IF at all.
Love,
January
My little girl, G, is now seven months old. She scootches around the floor, not with a fully developed crawl, but rather like someone doing the butterfly stroke in the pool. Arms, body, legs, arms, body, legs. She cannot stand to have me out of her sight, or even not looking at her for long. So, she and I spend all of our time together. We play on the floor in the living room, she bounces in a jumper in the kitchen, she sits in a little green chair with me when I use the bathroom or take a shower.
G's newest obsession is pulling up to standing whenever possible. Whether using my legs, the sofa, the edge of her little plastic bath tub, she holds on for dear life and pushes and pulls herself up. Then she lets go! She has this unwavering belief that she can balance on her own. This means there have been a lot of falls lately. I try not to make a big deal of them, just smile at her, scoop her up, and say "Kaboom!" Sometimes she cries, sometimes she doesn't. It's amazing how resilient little ones are.
* * *
One of those niggling little thoughts in my head when I was struggling to conceive was that maybe God didn't think I'd be a good mother. Maybe He knew that I didn't have what it takes.
I am relieved to find out that this worry was unfounded. I am a good mother. This is not to toot my own horn or anything. But it turns out that I am a good mother, and God was not withholding anything from me because He knew I would fail. It's not easy. I am challenged every day, throughout the day. We don't live close enough to family that I can go see my mom during the day, so she gets a lot of phone calls instead. I cry sometimes, mostly on days when I'm really exhausted. Thankfully, those days are fewer right now, as G grows and I get more experience. (I have been warned that just when you think you've got it figured out, everything changes on you again. But isn't that life?)
A friend of Novie who had three kids very close together asked me how I liked motherhood. I told her that I loved it. She looked at me very seriously and asked "But isn't it lonely? Especially when you have just one." Yes, it is absolutely lonely. Only you are the mommy, capable of giving your baby everything she needs. You haven't yet met other people home caring for their children during the day, so you don't have friends with whom you can sit and talk, who can hold your baby for just five minutes. But that changes; you meet people, your little one grows, the two of you get out of the house together.
What gets me through every challenge, though, is the waiting we had to do to get here. The wanting our child so much that it hurt. I get to look at my daughter and see a miracle. I draw on the strength I built up while trying to conceive, and I wonder what it's like to be a mother who didn't struggle to have her child. Obviously, it can be done :) but it's not the path I'm on, and I've realized that I am thankful for that. I can only imagine what I would be like if I were still a primary IF-er, and in the same way I can only imagine what I would be like if I were never IF at all.
Love,
January
Friday, January 4, 2013
J's First Birthday
Today is my little man's first birthday. I remember the day he was born very very well. He really surprised us coming six days early right after my husband had gone back to work after Christmas vacation. His birth was quite chaotic, but still fast and without complications. I want to share his birth story on here at some point, but I need to finish writing it first, and run it by my husband (it was an especially intense time for him due to some incompetent medical staff).
All that being said, I cannot believe that our little guy is a year old. He is such a gentle little person, happy to cuddle and play peekaboo under his blanket. I am so often amazed how much more peaceful the second-time baby parenting has been for us, partly due to J's easy-going nature (L is quite the firecracker), and partly due to our own security as parents (there is just nothing like those first few months with your first baby--a perfect juxtaposition of love, fear, inadequacy, and awe at all parents who have done this before). Parenting J has been a pretty peaceful process. We've certainly had days where parenting two children has felt overwhelming, but more due to the sheer amount of work than feeling like I don't know what I'm doing.
I love this little boy we've been given. It's crazy to think a year ago we were just meeting him.
November
All that being said, I cannot believe that our little guy is a year old. He is such a gentle little person, happy to cuddle and play peekaboo under his blanket. I am so often amazed how much more peaceful the second-time baby parenting has been for us, partly due to J's easy-going nature (L is quite the firecracker), and partly due to our own security as parents (there is just nothing like those first few months with your first baby--a perfect juxtaposition of love, fear, inadequacy, and awe at all parents who have done this before). Parenting J has been a pretty peaceful process. We've certainly had days where parenting two children has felt overwhelming, but more due to the sheer amount of work than feeling like I don't know what I'm doing.
I love this little boy we've been given. It's crazy to think a year ago we were just meeting him.
November
Friday, June 8, 2012
One to Two
J is five months old now. I am so amazed at how fast his babyhood is going by. He just got his first two teeth a few weeks ago which was painful for all of us. The differences between L's early months and J's are striking. They have made me realize how much A and I have grown as parents and as people in two years. As wonderful and new as L's first months were they were marked blatantly with fear: fear of parenting well, fear of doing things right, fear of messing up. And although we still get nervous and fearful occasionally, we have felt quite confident with J. We have hit our parenting groove so to speak.
That fear we felt with our first is quite small with our second. I suspect it gets smaller with each additional child a family adds. We know what we are doing and don't constantly second guess ourselves as we did the first time. I have not cracked open one baby book during pregnancy or babyhood with J. SIDS (the unrelenting fear of parenting a baby) has rarely crossed my mind.
Granted some things have been difficult like learning to parent two kids at once. Going to the grocery store by myself with the kidlets is pretty tricky, and juggling two sleep schedules can be a bit overwhelming. But that feeling of knowing what I am doing is quite exhilarating. It has allowed me to really enjoy his little baby self, and even to enjoy L more. I can focus on my kids rather than on what I am supposed to be doing.
The fear of parenthood is mostly gone. Sure I still worry about parenting teenagers occasionally, but I figure we will work it out as we go, just as we have in the last two years. I'm sure parenting curve balls will get thrown at us, but I hope we can hold onto this peacefulness that J's birth has given us.
November
That fear we felt with our first is quite small with our second. I suspect it gets smaller with each additional child a family adds. We know what we are doing and don't constantly second guess ourselves as we did the first time. I have not cracked open one baby book during pregnancy or babyhood with J. SIDS (the unrelenting fear of parenting a baby) has rarely crossed my mind.
Granted some things have been difficult like learning to parent two kids at once. Going to the grocery store by myself with the kidlets is pretty tricky, and juggling two sleep schedules can be a bit overwhelming. But that feeling of knowing what I am doing is quite exhilarating. It has allowed me to really enjoy his little baby self, and even to enjoy L more. I can focus on my kids rather than on what I am supposed to be doing.
The fear of parenthood is mostly gone. Sure I still worry about parenting teenagers occasionally, but I figure we will work it out as we go, just as we have in the last two years. I'm sure parenting curve balls will get thrown at us, but I hope we can hold onto this peacefulness that J's birth has given us.
November
Friday, June 1, 2012
Why We Blog Together: January
November and I have been discussing friendship, particularly between someone dealing with infertility and a mama. We've both written out some of our thoughts on how we maintain our friendship and why we blog together. Below are my thoughts. We would love to hear your own thoughts on friendship!
--
Lately, it seems like a lot of IFers online and quite a few of my friends in real life are becoming mothers. This is a wonderful and beautiful thing, and though it causes pain and jealousy in my own heart, I want to do nothing to lessen the joy of the occasion for them.
In fact, one of my biggest worries, particularly with my IRL friends, is that we won’t stay friends. I know rationally that my friendships are not currently based on our being parents or not; and I know that we could fall away from each other even if we were both having kids or neither of us were having kids. However, all IFers and former IFers know that there is a line that gets crossed when your friend becomes a mother, and no matter what you do, you can’t quite get over to your friend’s side.
I want my friends and family members with babies on the way to know that I’m still there for them. I will stand as close to them as I can from my side of the line and continue to offer my friendship. I know that our relationships are bound to change, but I do not want to lose them! (This is starting to feel like a battle speech where I’m riding a horse and raising my sword, hehe).
To that end, November’s and my blogging together is something of an experiment. We want to show each other and others how we stand close to each other on our respective sides of the line; that we can be good friends and support each other through everything.
Now, I know that it is not easy for an infertile girl to read about others getting pregnant and having babies and to see pictures and videos of first teeth and first birthdays. On the other hand, how tiresome it must be for those who conceive easily to read about poor mucus quality and medicine and the seemingly unending sadness. I suspect that our blog is not fun for very many people to read – the combo of mom stuff and IF stuff probably doesn’t fit a lot of people that well. We try to write about more than our respective places on the fertility spectrum, but I know that the vast majority of my ramblings take on a distinctly IF theme! (What can I say – ya’ll are my support group in a fertile, fertile, IVF world!).
Being close friends with November connects me more closely to motherhood. I love that she knows that I care about her and her family, and that she shares with me life’s triumphs and stresses. I admit that I’ve lived vicariously through her labors, her sweet newborns, and her sleepless nights. She doesn’t keep her motherhood behind her in our friendship; we meet each other at the line and she brings her babies for me to hold and play with. I love her for listening to me cry and complain about being infertile for, gosh, it would probably be three weeks of her life if all of those moments were laid side by side. I’m overjoyed when I see that bloggers who have connected with us while they were ttc or waiting to adopt have now become mothers, and that these ladies can now relate to Novie’s posts in a concrete way.
IFers will always need other IF friends, other waiting friends, because if you haven’t been through it, you cannot stand on our side of the line, and it can be such a lonely place. But I hereby declare that I will not let go of my friends who have crossed over and become mothers. Please don’t be afraid to stand close to the line. I will join you there.
-January
--
Lately, it seems like a lot of IFers online and quite a few of my friends in real life are becoming mothers. This is a wonderful and beautiful thing, and though it causes pain and jealousy in my own heart, I want to do nothing to lessen the joy of the occasion for them.
In fact, one of my biggest worries, particularly with my IRL friends, is that we won’t stay friends. I know rationally that my friendships are not currently based on our being parents or not; and I know that we could fall away from each other even if we were both having kids or neither of us were having kids. However, all IFers and former IFers know that there is a line that gets crossed when your friend becomes a mother, and no matter what you do, you can’t quite get over to your friend’s side.
I want my friends and family members with babies on the way to know that I’m still there for them. I will stand as close to them as I can from my side of the line and continue to offer my friendship. I know that our relationships are bound to change, but I do not want to lose them! (This is starting to feel like a battle speech where I’m riding a horse and raising my sword, hehe).
To that end, November’s and my blogging together is something of an experiment. We want to show each other and others how we stand close to each other on our respective sides of the line; that we can be good friends and support each other through everything.
Now, I know that it is not easy for an infertile girl to read about others getting pregnant and having babies and to see pictures and videos of first teeth and first birthdays. On the other hand, how tiresome it must be for those who conceive easily to read about poor mucus quality and medicine and the seemingly unending sadness. I suspect that our blog is not fun for very many people to read – the combo of mom stuff and IF stuff probably doesn’t fit a lot of people that well. We try to write about more than our respective places on the fertility spectrum, but I know that the vast majority of my ramblings take on a distinctly IF theme! (What can I say – ya’ll are my support group in a fertile, fertile, IVF world!).
Being close friends with November connects me more closely to motherhood. I love that she knows that I care about her and her family, and that she shares with me life’s triumphs and stresses. I admit that I’ve lived vicariously through her labors, her sweet newborns, and her sleepless nights. She doesn’t keep her motherhood behind her in our friendship; we meet each other at the line and she brings her babies for me to hold and play with. I love her for listening to me cry and complain about being infertile for, gosh, it would probably be three weeks of her life if all of those moments were laid side by side. I’m overjoyed when I see that bloggers who have connected with us while they were ttc or waiting to adopt have now become mothers, and that these ladies can now relate to Novie’s posts in a concrete way.
IFers will always need other IF friends, other waiting friends, because if you haven’t been through it, you cannot stand on our side of the line, and it can be such a lonely place. But I hereby declare that I will not let go of my friends who have crossed over and become mothers. Please don’t be afraid to stand close to the line. I will join you there.
-January
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Why we blog together: November
January and I have been discussing friendship, particularly between someone dealing with infertility, and a mama. We've both written out some of our thoughts on how we maintain our friendship and why we blog together. Here are my thoughts.
We have many different kinds of friends in life, and quite honestly most friends are circumstantial. For instance, in college I had many people I was friends with due to circumstance--we had a ridiculous amount of classes together, or we had a lot of the same friends and ended up at the same parties. With friends like this, we tend to have a lot in common in that present state. After graduating from college, I left most of these friends behind because we did not have that commonality of circumstances anymore. Some of those friends were more than circumstantial friends, and we have remained friends due to a different kind of closeness.
Similarly, I have a few friends that I consider my ‘mom friends.’ It’s nothing against them, but when we get together it is for mom and kid interaction. Now a couple of these mom friends have turned into real deep friendships which is awesome! But I find nothing wrong with admitting that some friends you have are circumstantial. You support each other in your current state and move on when you no longer have the binding factor.
My point is that I think IF women and mothers are perfectly able to be friends, they just may not make great circumstantial friends (unless different circumstances than fertility unite them). January and I initially bonded over NFP right before I had L. As we have continued through life, we have both encountered big changes, but we’ve become more than circumstantial friends. We have listened to each others’ trials, worries, and joys. January and her husband were the ones who brought A and I breakfast at 5:30am after L was born. January has always been supportive and loving towards me. We have moved onto a deeper friendship that is about supporting each other as people rather than circumstance.
I also think that the fact that we are in different seasons of life can actually give us both perspective. For instance when I feel overwhelmed by diapers and whining, by just telling her my little woes she reminds me what a gift my little ones are.
We initially started blogging together because we liked the idea of women supporting each other through the different seasons of our lives. Cattiness and competition often reign supreme between women, and we believe that the more bonds of love and peace we can form with each other the better off we all are.
-November
We have many different kinds of friends in life, and quite honestly most friends are circumstantial. For instance, in college I had many people I was friends with due to circumstance--we had a ridiculous amount of classes together, or we had a lot of the same friends and ended up at the same parties. With friends like this, we tend to have a lot in common in that present state. After graduating from college, I left most of these friends behind because we did not have that commonality of circumstances anymore. Some of those friends were more than circumstantial friends, and we have remained friends due to a different kind of closeness.
Similarly, I have a few friends that I consider my ‘mom friends.’ It’s nothing against them, but when we get together it is for mom and kid interaction. Now a couple of these mom friends have turned into real deep friendships which is awesome! But I find nothing wrong with admitting that some friends you have are circumstantial. You support each other in your current state and move on when you no longer have the binding factor.
My point is that I think IF women and mothers are perfectly able to be friends, they just may not make great circumstantial friends (unless different circumstances than fertility unite them). January and I initially bonded over NFP right before I had L. As we have continued through life, we have both encountered big changes, but we’ve become more than circumstantial friends. We have listened to each others’ trials, worries, and joys. January and her husband were the ones who brought A and I breakfast at 5:30am after L was born. January has always been supportive and loving towards me. We have moved onto a deeper friendship that is about supporting each other as people rather than circumstance.
I also think that the fact that we are in different seasons of life can actually give us both perspective. For instance when I feel overwhelmed by diapers and whining, by just telling her my little woes she reminds me what a gift my little ones are.
We initially started blogging together because we liked the idea of women supporting each other through the different seasons of our lives. Cattiness and competition often reign supreme between women, and we believe that the more bonds of love and peace we can form with each other the better off we all are.
-November
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Kids Leave
Another thing that dawned on me this weekend with my parents--kids leave! Now I already knew this, but realizing that my brother, sister, and I were once my mom's little munchkins running around in diapers really made it hit home. She had days that felt lonely and crazy. She got sick of picking our playdough out of the rug, and of trying to get us to eat something vaguely considered healthy. But as we all sat around the table for Mother's Day brunch, I realized here are all three of us pretty much independent. My brother just finished his freshmen year of college, and although he is spending the summer at my parents' house, his time there in his life is probably quite limited.
I so often forget that the state of having little kids in the house is just a season in life. A season that goes by all too quickly. My mom takes such joy in holding her little grandchildren. She talks about what it was like when we were little and the joy she felt in raising us--and here we are all raised! My mom's work as a mother is in a drastically different season than mine. She has transitioned into offering advice and support rather than constant supervision and care.
Someday our kids will leave. They won't need us anymore, and in reality the whole point of raising them is so that they won't need us anymore. The goal is to help them become independent, clear-thinking people who can navigate the world mostly on their own. We hold them close so that they can be well formed and leave us. I realize that I will always talk to my kids and offer whatever motherly help I can, but there is a huge difference between offering advice and taking care of most of their physical and emotional needs.
This time we have with them when they are so small and helpless is a season. We have the honor of seeing them in their vulnerable beginning years and guiding them into adulthood. It is a season that is difficult but also hugely meaningful. It's strange to think that the time in their lives that I will remember so clearly they will remember very little of. We can only strive to imprint love on their little hearts so that they will always know how lovable and valuable they are.
-November
I so often forget that the state of having little kids in the house is just a season in life. A season that goes by all too quickly. My mom takes such joy in holding her little grandchildren. She talks about what it was like when we were little and the joy she felt in raising us--and here we are all raised! My mom's work as a mother is in a drastically different season than mine. She has transitioned into offering advice and support rather than constant supervision and care.
Someday our kids will leave. They won't need us anymore, and in reality the whole point of raising them is so that they won't need us anymore. The goal is to help them become independent, clear-thinking people who can navigate the world mostly on their own. We hold them close so that they can be well formed and leave us. I realize that I will always talk to my kids and offer whatever motherly help I can, but there is a huge difference between offering advice and taking care of most of their physical and emotional needs.
This time we have with them when they are so small and helpless is a season. We have the honor of seeing them in their vulnerable beginning years and guiding them into adulthood. It is a season that is difficult but also hugely meaningful. It's strange to think that the time in their lives that I will remember so clearly they will remember very little of. We can only strive to imprint love on their little hearts so that they will always know how lovable and valuable they are.
-November
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Siblings
I've been working on J's birth story (which I will post here at some point), and it's made me think quite a bit about siblings. It's so weird to me that my kids are each others' siblings! I have kids (plural!)! How crazy is that? Anyway, my sister has lived with us since J was born so I have gotten lots of time with one of my siblings. Also our baby brother has visited us several times in the last few months so all three of us have been together a few times since the new year. That sounds mundane and all, but I have not lived near my family in 6 years! So being with both of them at once is fairly unusual. I get along quite well with both my siblings. We tease and joke with each other, but I also know that if I ever need anything they would be right there for me. They are the first people I look to for advice (after A that is). For us growing up with divorced parents really pulled us together. We were close even when we were younger (we fought too, but isn't that just part of the closeness?), particularly during all the bouncing back and forth between my mom and dad's. We were always together. We homeschooled when we were young, so even during the day we were together.
We had our spats, and times when we really did not like each other much, but when it came to support and acceptance I knew my siblings were there for me. We often talked things over with each other before anyone else. When A and I found out we were having L I told my sister I was pregnant before the rest of my family. When I told my brother all he said was, "I love you." From a seventeen year old sheltered kid it was pretty amazing to hear that, knowing my parents'231 feelings about sex before marriage.
Having amazing sibling relationships makes me so excited to see L and J together. He's only four months old, but he already has lots of smiles for L. L has been fascinated by him since he was born. She always asks where the baby is, wants to know what he's doing, and if he is crying she immediately tells me, "Mommy, Ja (how she says his name), crying!" She will keep telling me he's crying until he stops. That little kid really keeps me on the ball! She often invites J to jump with her (she doesn't quite get the developmental stages yet). When he rolls over, she always wants to get down and roll with him. She's injured him several times, but always accidentally in her boisterous two-year-old wildness (for instance, kneeling on his hand while trying to tickle him). One of L's favorite activities of the day is changing J's diaper. Who would have thought changing a diaper could be fun?
I had no idea that they would have so much fun while J is still so young. It's a really sweet surprise. Seeing them together often makes me wonder what their relationship will be like as they get older. Will they fight all the time? Play all the time? Both? But even more, it makes me happy to know that as they grow up they will have each other. Someone to complain about their parents too, someone to share family jokes with, complain with, and get advice from. I'm sure they'll have many times in their lives where they really do not get along, but I hope that as adults they do end up appreciating each other and taking advantage of the unique bond they share.
November
We had our spats, and times when we really did not like each other much, but when it came to support and acceptance I knew my siblings were there for me. We often talked things over with each other before anyone else. When A and I found out we were having L I told my sister I was pregnant before the rest of my family. When I told my brother all he said was, "I love you." From a seventeen year old sheltered kid it was pretty amazing to hear that, knowing my parents'231 feelings about sex before marriage.
Having amazing sibling relationships makes me so excited to see L and J together. He's only four months old, but he already has lots of smiles for L. L has been fascinated by him since he was born. She always asks where the baby is, wants to know what he's doing, and if he is crying she immediately tells me, "Mommy, Ja (how she says his name), crying!" She will keep telling me he's crying until he stops. That little kid really keeps me on the ball! She often invites J to jump with her (she doesn't quite get the developmental stages yet). When he rolls over, she always wants to get down and roll with him. She's injured him several times, but always accidentally in her boisterous two-year-old wildness (for instance, kneeling on his hand while trying to tickle him). One of L's favorite activities of the day is changing J's diaper. Who would have thought changing a diaper could be fun?
I had no idea that they would have so much fun while J is still so young. It's a really sweet surprise. Seeing them together often makes me wonder what their relationship will be like as they get older. Will they fight all the time? Play all the time? Both? But even more, it makes me happy to know that as they grow up they will have each other. Someone to complain about their parents too, someone to share family jokes with, complain with, and get advice from. I'm sure they'll have many times in their lives where they really do not get along, but I hope that as adults they do end up appreciating each other and taking advantage of the unique bond they share.
November
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Why two-year-olds are inspirational
L turned two a few weeks after the baby boy was born. Around 18 months old she started throwing tantrums and, man, they have only gotten more intense. Her memory is longer so she can remember for longer why she is mad and must therefore be screaming so that we all know how dang ticked off she is.
So we have settled into the so called 'terrible twos.' We are learning to manage the whole tantrum thing. One thought that has really helped me is to remember that when L experiences loss, or some other pain or frusterating it must seem like THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN to her, since she has no perspective, little experience, and a short memory. It would be tough to have the worst experience of your life everyday (for isntance, "The dog ate my cracker!!!!").
The thing is they are kind of the awesome twos too. She also experiences THE GREATEST THING EVER on a daily basis. A couple of days ago, we were playing out in the backyard and it started to rain. I, boring adult that I am, figured it was time to go inside with my computer and two-month-old baby. But L just stood in the middle of the yard with her hands up in the air, face looking towards the sky, saying, "Rain, rain, rain!" So I took my computer inside, and went back out to look at the rain with her. Her complete delight in life inspires me to remember to appreciate the small beauties around us.
November
So we have settled into the so called 'terrible twos.' We are learning to manage the whole tantrum thing. One thought that has really helped me is to remember that when L experiences loss, or some other pain or frusterating it must seem like THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN to her, since she has no perspective, little experience, and a short memory. It would be tough to have the worst experience of your life everyday (for isntance, "The dog ate my cracker!!!!").
The thing is they are kind of the awesome twos too. She also experiences THE GREATEST THING EVER on a daily basis. A couple of days ago, we were playing out in the backyard and it started to rain. I, boring adult that I am, figured it was time to go inside with my computer and two-month-old baby. But L just stood in the middle of the yard with her hands up in the air, face looking towards the sky, saying, "Rain, rain, rain!" So I took my computer inside, and went back out to look at the rain with her. Her complete delight in life inspires me to remember to appreciate the small beauties around us.
November
Sunday, January 22, 2012
L's Birthday
Today is my daughter's birthday. It is also the day that the decision was made to allow millions of unborn children to be killed in the womb.
My husband and I (at that time A was just my boyfriend) found out I was pregnant a few weeks after we graduated from college. I was actually pregnant when we graduated, I just didn't know it yet. We had both just moved to DC. I was a swim teacher and was starting an internship with plans to return to my home state of California for an excellent job I had secured for the beginning of the school year. A was also interning for the summer, while working at a coffee shop. He was ready to begin a masters program in DC in the Fall.
We were planning on getting married, but our breach of our own morals in the chastity department proved quite confusing in fully committing to each other. Finding out I was pregnant we put these plans on hold. Now the most important thing was figuring out what we needed to do for this baby. That summer was one of the most stressful, and also beautiful of my life. We had some very difficult conversations in the first weeks of finding out. We quickly realized that in order to figure out how to best care for our child, we needed to figure out if we wanted to be together or not. Although we both thought we wanted to be married, the pregnancy had shaken both of us. So we made a deal. If we weren't going to stay together, we would give our little baby up for adoption. We were both adamant that we wanted to make sure this baby had a responsible mother and father who loved the child and each other. At that point we weren't completely positive we could be that. After making that decision, we felt we had adequate time to discern our own relationship, and see if we could be those parents we wanted for our baby.
After those first few weeks, and dealing with the discouraging reactions from our family, the summer became a stressful and romantic time for us. We had no money, but we knew that despite everything we were still in love, still wanted to be together, and wanted to raise our child together. We learned to rely on each other completely being in a new city thousands of miles away from our families. We had our first ultrasound at 14 weeks and both cried seeing our little babe for the first time. Slowly things began to fall into place. God seemed to be watching over us as jobs came through in the nick of time. Slowly our panicked talks of adoption faded away, and we started instead planning how to take care of our little family. In September when I was almost five months pregnant, A proposed to me. We squealed and celebrated, and started planning our wedding.
L was born 8 days before her due date, on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, January 22nd. The irony was not lost on us, since in many ways we were great candidates for abortion. We weren't in the most dire of situations, but we were both fresh graduates, with lots of potential and job possibilities now burdened with the responsibility of raising a child together. We were extremely poor. But seeing our little newborn daughter together made those objections to her birth seem completely silly. We were going to figure it out!
Today L turns two, and she is a joyful, spirited little elf-girl. She is constantly amazing us with her quick mind, and nimble feet. She is constantly helping us working out our purgatory time with her tantrums and sometimes crazy sleep :) We cannot imagine our lives without her. Have our lives been harder because we had a baby long before we planned or the world says is acceptable? Probably. But our lives have also been full of learning and joy and happy tears thanks to this tiny, improbable blessing.
-November
My husband and I (at that time A was just my boyfriend) found out I was pregnant a few weeks after we graduated from college. I was actually pregnant when we graduated, I just didn't know it yet. We had both just moved to DC. I was a swim teacher and was starting an internship with plans to return to my home state of California for an excellent job I had secured for the beginning of the school year. A was also interning for the summer, while working at a coffee shop. He was ready to begin a masters program in DC in the Fall.
We were planning on getting married, but our breach of our own morals in the chastity department proved quite confusing in fully committing to each other. Finding out I was pregnant we put these plans on hold. Now the most important thing was figuring out what we needed to do for this baby. That summer was one of the most stressful, and also beautiful of my life. We had some very difficult conversations in the first weeks of finding out. We quickly realized that in order to figure out how to best care for our child, we needed to figure out if we wanted to be together or not. Although we both thought we wanted to be married, the pregnancy had shaken both of us. So we made a deal. If we weren't going to stay together, we would give our little baby up for adoption. We were both adamant that we wanted to make sure this baby had a responsible mother and father who loved the child and each other. At that point we weren't completely positive we could be that. After making that decision, we felt we had adequate time to discern our own relationship, and see if we could be those parents we wanted for our baby.
After those first few weeks, and dealing with the discouraging reactions from our family, the summer became a stressful and romantic time for us. We had no money, but we knew that despite everything we were still in love, still wanted to be together, and wanted to raise our child together. We learned to rely on each other completely being in a new city thousands of miles away from our families. We had our first ultrasound at 14 weeks and both cried seeing our little babe for the first time. Slowly things began to fall into place. God seemed to be watching over us as jobs came through in the nick of time. Slowly our panicked talks of adoption faded away, and we started instead planning how to take care of our little family. In September when I was almost five months pregnant, A proposed to me. We squealed and celebrated, and started planning our wedding.
L was born 8 days before her due date, on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, January 22nd. The irony was not lost on us, since in many ways we were great candidates for abortion. We weren't in the most dire of situations, but we were both fresh graduates, with lots of potential and job possibilities now burdened with the responsibility of raising a child together. We were extremely poor. But seeing our little newborn daughter together made those objections to her birth seem completely silly. We were going to figure it out!
Today L turns two, and she is a joyful, spirited little elf-girl. She is constantly amazing us with her quick mind, and nimble feet. She is constantly helping us working out our purgatory time with her tantrums and sometimes crazy sleep :) We cannot imagine our lives without her. Have our lives been harder because we had a baby long before we planned or the world says is acceptable? Probably. But our lives have also been full of learning and joy and happy tears thanks to this tiny, improbable blessing.
-November
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Baby J
Hello everyone! Baby J was born over a week ago, and I'm feeling pretty normal. I'm still feeling a bit hormonal, getting randomly weepy, but that's not really that unusual for me anyway :)
In some ways J's birth was very similar to L's, and in other ways quite different. They were both about 4 hours long, and were both uncomplicated. They were almost the same size, she was 6 pounds, 4 ounces, and he was 6 pounds, 5 ounces. The biggest difference was in our surroundings. I would describe L's birth as peaceful and focused, but baby J came into the world a bit more violently. This difference is mainly because L was delivered by a midwife in a birthcenter. However, due to insurance and issues we had finding a midwife this time, J was born in a hospital birth center, which despite what we thought was descent research and question asking, was extremely bureaucratic.
In discussing birth with other women, most have described it as either a completely awful painful experience, or something spiritual and peaceful. I think of birth a little differently, for both of my children I have seen their births as an athletic event. Seriously. I think it's all those years of cross country, working through intense pain up those hills prepared me for birth like nothing else. The way the pain comes in waves in running is similar to contractions for me, and the biggest effort comes at the end of a race in an intensely painful and satisfying way, just like the final pushing in birth.
Although baby J's birth was a more violent than I was expecting due to the crazy hospital rules, I felt totally and completely supported by my husband. Mainly, he spoke for me, and vied for my wishes, but he also rubbed my back and neck through every single contraction. One particularly bad point during labor I threw up, and was having the IV port put in my arm simultaneously. It was a pretty awful combination, and my husband is pretty squeamish particularly about anything to do with veins, and throwing up. Yet he held a bag for me, and kept on holding onto me. It was completely awful, but I felt extraordinarily loved by him in that moment hearing him trying to hold it together so he could be there for me.
Just like finishing my races, finally pushing my baby out was a moment of triumph for me. I felt powerful. I had endured all this crazy contraction pain, yet when it was time to push I knew exactly what I had to do.
My main sadness in the birth is that is was so stressful for A. He was worried about me, since none of the nurses listened to my wishes in the birth. Also the doctor didn't make it to the actual birth which was also extremely stressful for everyone, especially A.
However, once we saw our new little babe, we were able to let go of our frustrations with the hospital setting. He is gorgeous, and perfect. We've had a bonding week for our little family. It has been completely nuts, and we are definitely more sleep deprived than normal, but we are in love with our new little boy. Even L is quite taken with him :)
November
In some ways J's birth was very similar to L's, and in other ways quite different. They were both about 4 hours long, and were both uncomplicated. They were almost the same size, she was 6 pounds, 4 ounces, and he was 6 pounds, 5 ounces. The biggest difference was in our surroundings. I would describe L's birth as peaceful and focused, but baby J came into the world a bit more violently. This difference is mainly because L was delivered by a midwife in a birthcenter. However, due to insurance and issues we had finding a midwife this time, J was born in a hospital birth center, which despite what we thought was descent research and question asking, was extremely bureaucratic.
In discussing birth with other women, most have described it as either a completely awful painful experience, or something spiritual and peaceful. I think of birth a little differently, for both of my children I have seen their births as an athletic event. Seriously. I think it's all those years of cross country, working through intense pain up those hills prepared me for birth like nothing else. The way the pain comes in waves in running is similar to contractions for me, and the biggest effort comes at the end of a race in an intensely painful and satisfying way, just like the final pushing in birth.
Although baby J's birth was a more violent than I was expecting due to the crazy hospital rules, I felt totally and completely supported by my husband. Mainly, he spoke for me, and vied for my wishes, but he also rubbed my back and neck through every single contraction. One particularly bad point during labor I threw up, and was having the IV port put in my arm simultaneously. It was a pretty awful combination, and my husband is pretty squeamish particularly about anything to do with veins, and throwing up. Yet he held a bag for me, and kept on holding onto me. It was completely awful, but I felt extraordinarily loved by him in that moment hearing him trying to hold it together so he could be there for me.
Just like finishing my races, finally pushing my baby out was a moment of triumph for me. I felt powerful. I had endured all this crazy contraction pain, yet when it was time to push I knew exactly what I had to do.
My main sadness in the birth is that is was so stressful for A. He was worried about me, since none of the nurses listened to my wishes in the birth. Also the doctor didn't make it to the actual birth which was also extremely stressful for everyone, especially A.
However, once we saw our new little babe, we were able to let go of our frustrations with the hospital setting. He is gorgeous, and perfect. We've had a bonding week for our little family. It has been completely nuts, and we are definitely more sleep deprived than normal, but we are in love with our new little boy. Even L is quite taken with him :)
November
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Parenting and maintaining a spiritual life
We missed Mass on Sunday. It got me thinking about some of the difficulties of being a parent particularly in the spiritual realm. Quiet prayer time (or any quiet time!) is dang hard to come by with a busy toddler and a host of other responsibilities. Even Mass is often a distracted family effort, trying to keep L from throwing missalettes at the people around us. We sometimes end up outside the church entirely when even the crying room can’t contain our little wild one. I very firmly believe in going to church together as a family, so going to separate Masses is out for us. But taking L to Mass means that the one for sure bit of time set aside for our spiritual lives each week is less than reflective.
We didn’t go to Mass this last Sunday. L and I both had yucky colds, but we probably could have made it. The truth is we are both pretty tired of making it through Mass with our very active 21 month old, and the idea of getting to Mass, stressing until we had to take her out, then stressing that we were being too loud for the foyer just sounded like too much to handle spiritually. In many ways, Mass has become something we just make it through lately. The church closest to us doesn’t have a crying room which adds additional obstacles. We usually go to a church farther from us with a fantastic crying room but they only have morning masses and L’s cold was especially bad in the morning. Still, I’m sure we could have made it to Mass if we had really tried. But Mass has just felt exhausting. I honestly felt like it was going to be a problem spiritually for us to go this time. It’s strange, because we so rarely miss Mass. I feel a little bad about it, mainly because I have a feeling we are going to have little kids around for a while and should learn how to make it through.
Our missing Mass illustrates very well the challenges we’ve experienced in maintaining our faith along with child raising. I will admit I often feel discouraged about how we will ever become more faithful people when Mass has become something chaotic and stressful. I’m sure we will learn better ways to cope as we continue raising children, and I realize that lots of people out there wish they could wrangle a kid during Mass. But this is my challenge right now. And I feel like it was something no one ever warned me about. I suppose it should be obvious considering how many times I’ve seen parents in back with their kids, but like many things in life it doesn’t seem real until you are in the situation.
However, when it comes to the day to day, I often find myself feeling faith in the mundane. There is nothing like L’s smile to help me believe in God. She is so innocent and beautiful that her very existence points to something divine. I will find myself feeling philosophical and, consequently, faith-filled while interacting with her. But my belief and my prayer life look very different now than they did before she was born. Before babies, I can't say I had an awesome prayer life, but I was frequently in the adoration chapel, and I said prayers every night. I sought comfort and guidance in prayer. When I think of what I am meant to do in life, I know that I am primarily responsible to A, to L, and also now to unborn-baby J. It’s strange to have such a sense of purpose in life, but also very good. I am also struck frequently by the profound in dull moments. Emptying the dish washer and watching L ‘help’ is a moment of wonder that this little person wants to be with me, and participate in my day.
My quiet moments are few and far between, and I will admit I have little semblance of a prayer life these days. But I feel like I am living a much better life than I was in my single college days. I wasn’t particularly bad in college, just selfish like most young people. Now every day, whether I like it or not, I am not just living for myself. My prayer life may be awful, and I may occasionally miss Mass out of sheer exhaustion, but I can only pray that God can use my daily efforts at caring for my husband and children and make me better through them.
--November
We didn’t go to Mass this last Sunday. L and I both had yucky colds, but we probably could have made it. The truth is we are both pretty tired of making it through Mass with our very active 21 month old, and the idea of getting to Mass, stressing until we had to take her out, then stressing that we were being too loud for the foyer just sounded like too much to handle spiritually. In many ways, Mass has become something we just make it through lately. The church closest to us doesn’t have a crying room which adds additional obstacles. We usually go to a church farther from us with a fantastic crying room but they only have morning masses and L’s cold was especially bad in the morning. Still, I’m sure we could have made it to Mass if we had really tried. But Mass has just felt exhausting. I honestly felt like it was going to be a problem spiritually for us to go this time. It’s strange, because we so rarely miss Mass. I feel a little bad about it, mainly because I have a feeling we are going to have little kids around for a while and should learn how to make it through.
Our missing Mass illustrates very well the challenges we’ve experienced in maintaining our faith along with child raising. I will admit I often feel discouraged about how we will ever become more faithful people when Mass has become something chaotic and stressful. I’m sure we will learn better ways to cope as we continue raising children, and I realize that lots of people out there wish they could wrangle a kid during Mass. But this is my challenge right now. And I feel like it was something no one ever warned me about. I suppose it should be obvious considering how many times I’ve seen parents in back with their kids, but like many things in life it doesn’t seem real until you are in the situation.
However, when it comes to the day to day, I often find myself feeling faith in the mundane. There is nothing like L’s smile to help me believe in God. She is so innocent and beautiful that her very existence points to something divine. I will find myself feeling philosophical and, consequently, faith-filled while interacting with her. But my belief and my prayer life look very different now than they did before she was born. Before babies, I can't say I had an awesome prayer life, but I was frequently in the adoration chapel, and I said prayers every night. I sought comfort and guidance in prayer. When I think of what I am meant to do in life, I know that I am primarily responsible to A, to L, and also now to unborn-baby J. It’s strange to have such a sense of purpose in life, but also very good. I am also struck frequently by the profound in dull moments. Emptying the dish washer and watching L ‘help’ is a moment of wonder that this little person wants to be with me, and participate in my day.
My quiet moments are few and far between, and I will admit I have little semblance of a prayer life these days. But I feel like I am living a much better life than I was in my single college days. I wasn’t particularly bad in college, just selfish like most young people. Now every day, whether I like it or not, I am not just living for myself. My prayer life may be awful, and I may occasionally miss Mass out of sheer exhaustion, but I can only pray that God can use my daily efforts at caring for my husband and children and make me better through them.
--November
Monday, October 3, 2011
Taking Time for Each Other: Parents
A and I jumped into parenthood pretty fast. We had L four months before our wedding (more on that situation later). Consequently, as soon as we got back from our honeymoon, we needed to learn how to create couple time for ourselves with an infant to care for. In some ways, having to deal with baby-raising immediately was good for us. We never had to let go of limitless alone time, because we never had it in the first place! We were newly-married and knew we needed time minus baby to connect emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
--November
At times it has been really hard. Sometimes all we want to do is have a lazy afternoon, curl up and watch a movie together, but instead L is going nuts and requires our attention and energy. We've learned that when we are craving time alone, we have to make each other a promise to be together as soon as the opportunity arises. It is something we started out vocalizing, which helped for me especially in feeling cared for, but now we don’t always need to spell it out for each other. Simply saying, “Hey tonight let’s just hang out,” is often all it takes to remind each other that we need to be together. Now, when we know our relationship requires something more planned out, we can make that happen too. For instance, if I suggest we go on a date on the weekend A knows this means we need to make it happen, and vice versa. We take date suggestions seriously, and make them happen quickly.
Here are some other key strategies for keeping our relationship healthy and well-tended:
Organization: For me, this often just means naming a time! We'll decide that Saturday night we will have an ‘us’ night--what we actually do together is less important than just setting the time aside. Organization also comes into play when we are planning an out-of-house date (we tend to have lots of in-house dates).
Spontaneity: Along with being organized, we have found spontaneity is key in maintaining our closeness. This may sound like it is at odds with organization, but they're really both important! This means when L randomly takes a nap on a Saturday afternoon, we often run straight to the bedroom! It means we make romance for each other in the little things: A might bring home a bottle of wine from work and ask if I want to take a bath that evening, or I will offer to give him a backrub while we are watching a movie.
Always put each other first: Most importantly, in the short time we’ve been married, we have striven to put our marriage first. Growing up, I saw lots of couples who let children take over their relationship. Obviously kids are a huge responsibility, and take up huge amounts of time, and a couple needs to take care of their children together. But we decided right away to allow the experience of raising kids to pull us together rather than apart. When L was about six months old, we decided it was of dire necessity that we get her into a more predictable sleep pattern; she wasn't going to bed until ten o'clock or later, and our relationship was suffering! We began trying out new ways to get her to sleep earlier and within a month were enjoying her new 7pm bedtime.
We are having a new baby in January, and I sometimes worry that with a two year old and a newborn we will have a hard time adjusting. We will have less time for just each other, particularly in the first couple of months, but as long as we continue to prioritize each other and our time together, our alone time will feel that much more special. I'll let you know how it goes!--November
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