Sorry, sorry! I know y'all don't like to wait.
I got my lab results yesterday and they were great! My beta HCG (or is it HCG beta?) was something like 4,300, and my progesterone was 30! Take that, oncologist who said the tumor and mild endo weren't impacting my fertility. I'm pregnant!
Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes. They mean so much to me, because you all mean so much to me!
The reason I'm running behind on keeping you up to date is that the day after my beautiful BFP, other parts of life got really tough. First, work. Remember how work is not the best for me? Well, the president of the company wrote to me last Wednesday to say that he knows I'm working with my supervisor on improving my performance, but my 2012 frontlist is "terrible" and if I don't improve by the end of Q1, I'll be terminated. Please note that I am off my goal, but barely. Barely. And he said I should be equivalent to all my colleagues, who have been doing this job for 5 years at the low end. I've been doing it for less than 2. I just hate him; he is such a jerk. So I have to have a meeting that's been scheduled for January 10th with my supervisor and the head of HR. Any time other colleagues have had meetings like this, the goals get set so absurdly high that they cannot meet them. And then they get fired. I've been having terrible insomnia because of this. The sad-but-funny thought that crossed my mind: if I announce my pregnancy at the end of my first trimester as people are wont to do (which is before the end of Q1), we'll get to see if the president has it in him to fire a pregnant woman. The last woman at my associate level who had a baby had her lists taken away from her, so she was basically demoted. I could live with being demoted, I guess, until baby comes. I just hate the continuous public and private humiliation that seems to be hand in hand with my job.
On Monday, I came home from work to find my kitty cat very sick. She was obviously not herself, and I was really distraught. Husband and I took her to the emergency vet that night, and they kept her for 24 hours. They never figured out what was causing her sickness (fever, dehydration, refusing food, lethargy) but she's doing better now, so they let me take her home. I have three different medicines to give her on three different time tables. One is a pill I have to get her to swallow. One is a pill I have to get her to swallow, and then ensure she has swallowed it by shooting 10mL of water into her mouth with a syringe. And one is a pill that I dissolve in 3mL of warm water, and then shoot that water into her mouth. Medicating a cat does not equal fun. She is 6 years old, not young, but not really old yet to my thinking either. Husband and I only adopted her last year, but she's basically been our fuzzyball sweetheart since she came home. I'm just not ready to lose her. She's not herself yet, but I hope she keeps improving.
::sigh::
So, BIG, HUGE Joy, followed by distressing circumstances. Husband commented that it seems like life is trying to overshadow the awesomeness we have right now, but we won't let it! We will hold onto this goodness!
-Jan
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
An Advent Miracle!
Friends,
I have tried for almost a week to find the words to share this with you. It turns out they aren't coming, so I am going to just say this. On Tuesday, I got a BFP!!!
My first ever positive pregnancy test! Oh my goodness!
I'm still so shocked that I can't really parse out my emotions quite yet, so I'll give you just the facts, ma'am. I called my OB/GYN's office, and they scheduled me for a routine pregnancy confirmation appointment for the day after Christmas. Fortunately, I left a message for my NaPro doc, who sent a message the next day, "Congratulations! This is wonderful! Now I want you to get your butt in the office immediately for a blood draw." (Ok, that was a paraphrase). So, blood drawn Friday morning, I should get results sometime today. I'm praying so hard that everything is as good as it can be for Tiny January right now.
There is a Tiny January! Oh my goodness!
I only tested because I had just had more than a week of being so very low emotionally that when AF was just a couple of days late, but not even late by pre-surgery-January standards, I wanted to protect myself. I did not want to get all excited and day dreamy, only to end up being crushed even lower. I had one test hanging around from who knows when, and I figured I'd just test and get the negative, and prepare my heart for AF's arrival.
I have never been so shocked in all my life as I was on Tuesday morning. I tested again Wednesday morning, because I was sure that the first test had something wrong with it. All day Tuesday, in my dis-believing fog, all I could think was that other people should be getting their miracles before me. Women whose blogs have supported me for well over a year. Rebecca and JB both posted that they don't have Christmas miracles, and I'm so crushed. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I guess I just want to say that I know I don't deserve this. The primary fact of life that IF has taught me is that you never "deserve" pregnancy or children.
I have been trying to protect my heart - what if the little one doesn't make it? What if my tests were both wrong? What if this is the only time I ever get a BFP? What if the little one is stuck in my remaining tube, and oh that just fills me with so much fear! and on top of that I'd be rendered permanently infertile?
Despite these terrible fears, the joy keeps on bursting through. It's still mostly shock; Husband suggests that it'll get more real for us when we tell more people. I have told a grand total of two folks yet - we've not even told our parents and siblings at this point. November really might be more excited than I am. So, now, my dear friends, I am telling you. A special shout-out to my prayer buddy, you must have been working overtime the moment Advent began! If you all could help me thank God (which I feel even more inadequate to do right now) and pray for the health and safety of this little one (!!!), I would be so grateful.
Love,
January
I have tried for almost a week to find the words to share this with you. It turns out they aren't coming, so I am going to just say this. On Tuesday, I got a BFP!!!
My first ever positive pregnancy test! Oh my goodness!
I'm still so shocked that I can't really parse out my emotions quite yet, so I'll give you just the facts, ma'am. I called my OB/GYN's office, and they scheduled me for a routine pregnancy confirmation appointment for the day after Christmas. Fortunately, I left a message for my NaPro doc, who sent a message the next day, "Congratulations! This is wonderful! Now I want you to get your butt in the office immediately for a blood draw." (Ok, that was a paraphrase). So, blood drawn Friday morning, I should get results sometime today. I'm praying so hard that everything is as good as it can be for Tiny January right now.
There is a Tiny January! Oh my goodness!
I only tested because I had just had more than a week of being so very low emotionally that when AF was just a couple of days late, but not even late by pre-surgery-January standards, I wanted to protect myself. I did not want to get all excited and day dreamy, only to end up being crushed even lower. I had one test hanging around from who knows when, and I figured I'd just test and get the negative, and prepare my heart for AF's arrival.
I have never been so shocked in all my life as I was on Tuesday morning. I tested again Wednesday morning, because I was sure that the first test had something wrong with it. All day Tuesday, in my dis-believing fog, all I could think was that other people should be getting their miracles before me. Women whose blogs have supported me for well over a year. Rebecca and JB both posted that they don't have Christmas miracles, and I'm so crushed. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I guess I just want to say that I know I don't deserve this. The primary fact of life that IF has taught me is that you never "deserve" pregnancy or children.
I have been trying to protect my heart - what if the little one doesn't make it? What if my tests were both wrong? What if this is the only time I ever get a BFP? What if the little one is stuck in my remaining tube, and oh that just fills me with so much fear! and on top of that I'd be rendered permanently infertile?
Despite these terrible fears, the joy keeps on bursting through. It's still mostly shock; Husband suggests that it'll get more real for us when we tell more people. I have told a grand total of two folks yet - we've not even told our parents and siblings at this point. November really might be more excited than I am. So, now, my dear friends, I am telling you. A special shout-out to my prayer buddy, you must have been working overtime the moment Advent began! If you all could help me thank God (which I feel even more inadequate to do right now) and pray for the health and safety of this little one (!!!), I would be so grateful.
Love,
January
Friday, June 8, 2012
One to Two
J is five months old now. I am so amazed at how fast his babyhood is going by. He just got his first two teeth a few weeks ago which was painful for all of us. The differences between L's early months and J's are striking. They have made me realize how much A and I have grown as parents and as people in two years. As wonderful and new as L's first months were they were marked blatantly with fear: fear of parenting well, fear of doing things right, fear of messing up. And although we still get nervous and fearful occasionally, we have felt quite confident with J. We have hit our parenting groove so to speak.
That fear we felt with our first is quite small with our second. I suspect it gets smaller with each additional child a family adds. We know what we are doing and don't constantly second guess ourselves as we did the first time. I have not cracked open one baby book during pregnancy or babyhood with J. SIDS (the unrelenting fear of parenting a baby) has rarely crossed my mind.
Granted some things have been difficult like learning to parent two kids at once. Going to the grocery store by myself with the kidlets is pretty tricky, and juggling two sleep schedules can be a bit overwhelming. But that feeling of knowing what I am doing is quite exhilarating. It has allowed me to really enjoy his little baby self, and even to enjoy L more. I can focus on my kids rather than on what I am supposed to be doing.
The fear of parenthood is mostly gone. Sure I still worry about parenting teenagers occasionally, but I figure we will work it out as we go, just as we have in the last two years. I'm sure parenting curve balls will get thrown at us, but I hope we can hold onto this peacefulness that J's birth has given us.
November
That fear we felt with our first is quite small with our second. I suspect it gets smaller with each additional child a family adds. We know what we are doing and don't constantly second guess ourselves as we did the first time. I have not cracked open one baby book during pregnancy or babyhood with J. SIDS (the unrelenting fear of parenting a baby) has rarely crossed my mind.
Granted some things have been difficult like learning to parent two kids at once. Going to the grocery store by myself with the kidlets is pretty tricky, and juggling two sleep schedules can be a bit overwhelming. But that feeling of knowing what I am doing is quite exhilarating. It has allowed me to really enjoy his little baby self, and even to enjoy L more. I can focus on my kids rather than on what I am supposed to be doing.
The fear of parenthood is mostly gone. Sure I still worry about parenting teenagers occasionally, but I figure we will work it out as we go, just as we have in the last two years. I'm sure parenting curve balls will get thrown at us, but I hope we can hold onto this peacefulness that J's birth has given us.
November
Monday, May 14, 2012
And the pregdar was...
...Correct!
Coworker is pregnant - 14 weeks already!
And I was correct in her boobs looking bigger. She says her B cup has increased to DD! Hahaha.
This (her pregnancy, not her boobs) means that I will now officially be surrounded by pregnant ladies for the rest of this year. Carpool buddy is due in October, Coworker is due in November, and SIL is due in December. This is the first real flood of women close to me having babies. It feels like my first test, the first real foray into the battle so many other IF bloggers have written about before. I've been pretty insulated from things like this so far--I don't live in my hometown where all those girls I went to school with are having babies; a lot of people where I live now don't get married until late, so there are generally fewer babies--I guess it's about time that I earned my infertile girl stripes.
Now, in the interest of planning ahead, what do I give all these people for their baby showers?
-January
Coworker is pregnant - 14 weeks already!
And I was correct in her boobs looking bigger. She says her B cup has increased to DD! Hahaha.
This (her pregnancy, not her boobs) means that I will now officially be surrounded by pregnant ladies for the rest of this year. Carpool buddy is due in October, Coworker is due in November, and SIL is due in December. This is the first real flood of women close to me having babies. It feels like my first test, the first real foray into the battle so many other IF bloggers have written about before. I've been pretty insulated from things like this so far--I don't live in my hometown where all those girls I went to school with are having babies; a lot of people where I live now don't get married until late, so there are generally fewer babies--I guess it's about time that I earned my infertile girl stripes.
Now, in the interest of planning ahead, what do I give all these people for their baby showers?
-January
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Pregdar
I’m coining a new word: pregdar. At least, I’ve never heard it before. But some people have radar for things, and pregnancy is doubtless one of them. I think being IF makes one especially sensitive to the pregnancies of others, and any signs of pregnancy. You begin to sense it all over the place!
Hence, pregdar.
Allow me to illustrate:
As I mentioned yesterday, friends of ours announced their pregnancy to us on Saturday (no news, but it doesn’t sound like there’s been any improvement, sadly). However, I saw them two weeks ago at a wedding, and I just knew she was pregnant. It turns out they must have just gotten their BFP a few days before.
Last week, my SIL texted Husband to call her sometime soon. Being Husband, he did not call her back for a few days. I kept nagging because it was so obvious to me that she wanted to tell him that she was expecting. He finally called her back yesterday, and she is! (This is something I’m still processing, I think, but I have texted her to put in a request for a niece).
However, the true test of my pregdar accuracy is currently ongoing. I have a coworker to whom I’ve become close over the years, and when Husband and I officially became infertile, I shared with her the situation. At that time, she told me that she and her DH had been trying for 7 months and that she was beginning to be distressed about it. Apparently it’s a joke in her family about how she and both of her sisters were conceived in defiance of some kind of birth control, and her sisters both conceived their kids pretty easily. I tried to comfort her, but in truth, the fact that knowing that I wasn’t the only one struggling to conceive whom I could find in real life was a relief to me! She joked that it was good that I was going down the path before her, so I could let her know what to expect. She and her DH reached the one year point and beyond, and saw the doctor. She started going to an acupuncturist to try to get her cycles to be even. We’d take walks together on our lunch breaks and share a bit about what was going on. It was so comforting not to be alone.
However, she has been setting off my pregdar big time. Why?
1)She refused sushi at the end of March, saying she didn’t eat raw fish. I have definitely eaten sushi with this girl before, but I shrugged it off at the time, thinking either she was in the 2WW or maybe she really did only eat cooked sushi and I was misremembering our previous sushi outing.
2)She came home with me at Easter because her DH had to take a trip and her family isn’t in the area. She refused alcohol, and she tried food that I know she’s sensitive to. And it didn’t make her sick.
3)We’ve taken a few walks lately, and she’s mentioned nothing about TTC. Now, she’s not an overly sharing person, but we usually trade at least a little bit, even if it’s just an acupuncture story. These days, though, nada.
4)This might sound crazy, but it looks to me like she’s starting to gain the tiniest bit of weight. She bought herself a new shirt this weekend (rare for her) and it’s super flowy, and floats away from the body. Perfect for hiding a small, summer, baby bump. Also, I’ll just say it, because I’m analyzing everything about this poor girl; her boobs look bigger.
5)Finally, she just seems happier. More at peace. It’s how I think I would be if Husband and I finally managed to make a baby.
If she is, I’m happy for her. I wish she would tell me, though, and put me out of my misery. One thing that I love about the online Catholic IF community is that every BFP is celebrated, because every life is celebrated, and we’re assured of each other’s prayers and support no matter what happens. I thought me and my coworker’s bond over IF was such that she’d tell me when her BFP happened. I understand why she might not want to, but it also makes me feel like she’s crossed over to the other side, the motherhood side, and it’s somewhere I can’t follow.
What do you think? Could pregdar be real? Do you get a sense when people around you become pregnant before they tell you?
-January
Hence, pregdar.
Allow me to illustrate:
As I mentioned yesterday, friends of ours announced their pregnancy to us on Saturday (no news, but it doesn’t sound like there’s been any improvement, sadly). However, I saw them two weeks ago at a wedding, and I just knew she was pregnant. It turns out they must have just gotten their BFP a few days before.
Last week, my SIL texted Husband to call her sometime soon. Being Husband, he did not call her back for a few days. I kept nagging because it was so obvious to me that she wanted to tell him that she was expecting. He finally called her back yesterday, and she is! (This is something I’m still processing, I think, but I have texted her to put in a request for a niece).
However, the true test of my pregdar accuracy is currently ongoing. I have a coworker to whom I’ve become close over the years, and when Husband and I officially became infertile, I shared with her the situation. At that time, she told me that she and her DH had been trying for 7 months and that she was beginning to be distressed about it. Apparently it’s a joke in her family about how she and both of her sisters were conceived in defiance of some kind of birth control, and her sisters both conceived their kids pretty easily. I tried to comfort her, but in truth, the fact that knowing that I wasn’t the only one struggling to conceive whom I could find in real life was a relief to me! She joked that it was good that I was going down the path before her, so I could let her know what to expect. She and her DH reached the one year point and beyond, and saw the doctor. She started going to an acupuncturist to try to get her cycles to be even. We’d take walks together on our lunch breaks and share a bit about what was going on. It was so comforting not to be alone.
However, she has been setting off my pregdar big time. Why?
1)She refused sushi at the end of March, saying she didn’t eat raw fish. I have definitely eaten sushi with this girl before, but I shrugged it off at the time, thinking either she was in the 2WW or maybe she really did only eat cooked sushi and I was misremembering our previous sushi outing.
2)She came home with me at Easter because her DH had to take a trip and her family isn’t in the area. She refused alcohol, and she tried food that I know she’s sensitive to. And it didn’t make her sick.
3)We’ve taken a few walks lately, and she’s mentioned nothing about TTC. Now, she’s not an overly sharing person, but we usually trade at least a little bit, even if it’s just an acupuncture story. These days, though, nada.
4)This might sound crazy, but it looks to me like she’s starting to gain the tiniest bit of weight. She bought herself a new shirt this weekend (rare for her) and it’s super flowy, and floats away from the body. Perfect for hiding a small, summer, baby bump. Also, I’ll just say it, because I’m analyzing everything about this poor girl; her boobs look bigger.
5)Finally, she just seems happier. More at peace. It’s how I think I would be if Husband and I finally managed to make a baby.
If she is, I’m happy for her. I wish she would tell me, though, and put me out of my misery. One thing that I love about the online Catholic IF community is that every BFP is celebrated, because every life is celebrated, and we’re assured of each other’s prayers and support no matter what happens. I thought me and my coworker’s bond over IF was such that she’d tell me when her BFP happened. I understand why she might not want to, but it also makes me feel like she’s crossed over to the other side, the motherhood side, and it’s somewhere I can’t follow.
What do you think? Could pregdar be real? Do you get a sense when people around you become pregnant before they tell you?
-January
Friday, February 17, 2012
Running
I started running again. I ran six years of cross country while in high school and college, and there's nothing quite as awesome as being in that kind of shape. I was doing pretty well getting regular runs in last year, then I got pregnant and got lazy. I know you can run while pregnant, but it just feels weird to me. I feel so off balance running while preggo.
I am an exercise person though. If I'm not getting regular exercise my hormones are just a bit more flighty. When I'm working out regularly I have more energy, more patience, and just feel better. A has been encouraging me to get back out there for health and my sanity's sake.
I've only been getting in a couple of runs a week, and I'm dang slow. But even my 20-30 minute jogs have helped improve my mood tremendously. I'm not really down, so much as completely overwhelmed. I have been falling into bed whenever I finally get baby J to sleep feeling like I have done nothing but work all day--and it's often true. But somehow running (which you would think would be another chore) makes me feel so much more alive even in my exhaustion. I love feeling the blood run fast through my body and my heart pump. We've had some gorgeous days that I've taken advantage of, and I love breathing the chilly air, and feeling the sun on my face. My body feels strong and capable, and honestly not being nine months pregnant feels great too.
A has promised me new running shoes for my birthday since my current ones have been repaired with duct tape :)
November
I am an exercise person though. If I'm not getting regular exercise my hormones are just a bit more flighty. When I'm working out regularly I have more energy, more patience, and just feel better. A has been encouraging me to get back out there for health and my sanity's sake.
I've only been getting in a couple of runs a week, and I'm dang slow. But even my 20-30 minute jogs have helped improve my mood tremendously. I'm not really down, so much as completely overwhelmed. I have been falling into bed whenever I finally get baby J to sleep feeling like I have done nothing but work all day--and it's often true. But somehow running (which you would think would be another chore) makes me feel so much more alive even in my exhaustion. I love feeling the blood run fast through my body and my heart pump. We've had some gorgeous days that I've taken advantage of, and I love breathing the chilly air, and feeling the sun on my face. My body feels strong and capable, and honestly not being nine months pregnant feels great too.
A has promised me new running shoes for my birthday since my current ones have been repaired with duct tape :)
November
Sunday, January 22, 2012
L's Birthday
Today is my daughter's birthday. It is also the day that the decision was made to allow millions of unborn children to be killed in the womb.
My husband and I (at that time A was just my boyfriend) found out I was pregnant a few weeks after we graduated from college. I was actually pregnant when we graduated, I just didn't know it yet. We had both just moved to DC. I was a swim teacher and was starting an internship with plans to return to my home state of California for an excellent job I had secured for the beginning of the school year. A was also interning for the summer, while working at a coffee shop. He was ready to begin a masters program in DC in the Fall.
We were planning on getting married, but our breach of our own morals in the chastity department proved quite confusing in fully committing to each other. Finding out I was pregnant we put these plans on hold. Now the most important thing was figuring out what we needed to do for this baby. That summer was one of the most stressful, and also beautiful of my life. We had some very difficult conversations in the first weeks of finding out. We quickly realized that in order to figure out how to best care for our child, we needed to figure out if we wanted to be together or not. Although we both thought we wanted to be married, the pregnancy had shaken both of us. So we made a deal. If we weren't going to stay together, we would give our little baby up for adoption. We were both adamant that we wanted to make sure this baby had a responsible mother and father who loved the child and each other. At that point we weren't completely positive we could be that. After making that decision, we felt we had adequate time to discern our own relationship, and see if we could be those parents we wanted for our baby.
After those first few weeks, and dealing with the discouraging reactions from our family, the summer became a stressful and romantic time for us. We had no money, but we knew that despite everything we were still in love, still wanted to be together, and wanted to raise our child together. We learned to rely on each other completely being in a new city thousands of miles away from our families. We had our first ultrasound at 14 weeks and both cried seeing our little babe for the first time. Slowly things began to fall into place. God seemed to be watching over us as jobs came through in the nick of time. Slowly our panicked talks of adoption faded away, and we started instead planning how to take care of our little family. In September when I was almost five months pregnant, A proposed to me. We squealed and celebrated, and started planning our wedding.
L was born 8 days before her due date, on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, January 22nd. The irony was not lost on us, since in many ways we were great candidates for abortion. We weren't in the most dire of situations, but we were both fresh graduates, with lots of potential and job possibilities now burdened with the responsibility of raising a child together. We were extremely poor. But seeing our little newborn daughter together made those objections to her birth seem completely silly. We were going to figure it out!
Today L turns two, and she is a joyful, spirited little elf-girl. She is constantly amazing us with her quick mind, and nimble feet. She is constantly helping us working out our purgatory time with her tantrums and sometimes crazy sleep :) We cannot imagine our lives without her. Have our lives been harder because we had a baby long before we planned or the world says is acceptable? Probably. But our lives have also been full of learning and joy and happy tears thanks to this tiny, improbable blessing.
-November
My husband and I (at that time A was just my boyfriend) found out I was pregnant a few weeks after we graduated from college. I was actually pregnant when we graduated, I just didn't know it yet. We had both just moved to DC. I was a swim teacher and was starting an internship with plans to return to my home state of California for an excellent job I had secured for the beginning of the school year. A was also interning for the summer, while working at a coffee shop. He was ready to begin a masters program in DC in the Fall.
We were planning on getting married, but our breach of our own morals in the chastity department proved quite confusing in fully committing to each other. Finding out I was pregnant we put these plans on hold. Now the most important thing was figuring out what we needed to do for this baby. That summer was one of the most stressful, and also beautiful of my life. We had some very difficult conversations in the first weeks of finding out. We quickly realized that in order to figure out how to best care for our child, we needed to figure out if we wanted to be together or not. Although we both thought we wanted to be married, the pregnancy had shaken both of us. So we made a deal. If we weren't going to stay together, we would give our little baby up for adoption. We were both adamant that we wanted to make sure this baby had a responsible mother and father who loved the child and each other. At that point we weren't completely positive we could be that. After making that decision, we felt we had adequate time to discern our own relationship, and see if we could be those parents we wanted for our baby.
After those first few weeks, and dealing with the discouraging reactions from our family, the summer became a stressful and romantic time for us. We had no money, but we knew that despite everything we were still in love, still wanted to be together, and wanted to raise our child together. We learned to rely on each other completely being in a new city thousands of miles away from our families. We had our first ultrasound at 14 weeks and both cried seeing our little babe for the first time. Slowly things began to fall into place. God seemed to be watching over us as jobs came through in the nick of time. Slowly our panicked talks of adoption faded away, and we started instead planning how to take care of our little family. In September when I was almost five months pregnant, A proposed to me. We squealed and celebrated, and started planning our wedding.
L was born 8 days before her due date, on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, January 22nd. The irony was not lost on us, since in many ways we were great candidates for abortion. We weren't in the most dire of situations, but we were both fresh graduates, with lots of potential and job possibilities now burdened with the responsibility of raising a child together. We were extremely poor. But seeing our little newborn daughter together made those objections to her birth seem completely silly. We were going to figure it out!
Today L turns two, and she is a joyful, spirited little elf-girl. She is constantly amazing us with her quick mind, and nimble feet. She is constantly helping us working out our purgatory time with her tantrums and sometimes crazy sleep :) We cannot imagine our lives without her. Have our lives been harder because we had a baby long before we planned or the world says is acceptable? Probably. But our lives have also been full of learning and joy and happy tears thanks to this tiny, improbable blessing.
-November
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Baby J
Hello everyone! Baby J was born over a week ago, and I'm feeling pretty normal. I'm still feeling a bit hormonal, getting randomly weepy, but that's not really that unusual for me anyway :)
In some ways J's birth was very similar to L's, and in other ways quite different. They were both about 4 hours long, and were both uncomplicated. They were almost the same size, she was 6 pounds, 4 ounces, and he was 6 pounds, 5 ounces. The biggest difference was in our surroundings. I would describe L's birth as peaceful and focused, but baby J came into the world a bit more violently. This difference is mainly because L was delivered by a midwife in a birthcenter. However, due to insurance and issues we had finding a midwife this time, J was born in a hospital birth center, which despite what we thought was descent research and question asking, was extremely bureaucratic.
In discussing birth with other women, most have described it as either a completely awful painful experience, or something spiritual and peaceful. I think of birth a little differently, for both of my children I have seen their births as an athletic event. Seriously. I think it's all those years of cross country, working through intense pain up those hills prepared me for birth like nothing else. The way the pain comes in waves in running is similar to contractions for me, and the biggest effort comes at the end of a race in an intensely painful and satisfying way, just like the final pushing in birth.
Although baby J's birth was a more violent than I was expecting due to the crazy hospital rules, I felt totally and completely supported by my husband. Mainly, he spoke for me, and vied for my wishes, but he also rubbed my back and neck through every single contraction. One particularly bad point during labor I threw up, and was having the IV port put in my arm simultaneously. It was a pretty awful combination, and my husband is pretty squeamish particularly about anything to do with veins, and throwing up. Yet he held a bag for me, and kept on holding onto me. It was completely awful, but I felt extraordinarily loved by him in that moment hearing him trying to hold it together so he could be there for me.
Just like finishing my races, finally pushing my baby out was a moment of triumph for me. I felt powerful. I had endured all this crazy contraction pain, yet when it was time to push I knew exactly what I had to do.
My main sadness in the birth is that is was so stressful for A. He was worried about me, since none of the nurses listened to my wishes in the birth. Also the doctor didn't make it to the actual birth which was also extremely stressful for everyone, especially A.
However, once we saw our new little babe, we were able to let go of our frustrations with the hospital setting. He is gorgeous, and perfect. We've had a bonding week for our little family. It has been completely nuts, and we are definitely more sleep deprived than normal, but we are in love with our new little boy. Even L is quite taken with him :)
November
In some ways J's birth was very similar to L's, and in other ways quite different. They were both about 4 hours long, and were both uncomplicated. They were almost the same size, she was 6 pounds, 4 ounces, and he was 6 pounds, 5 ounces. The biggest difference was in our surroundings. I would describe L's birth as peaceful and focused, but baby J came into the world a bit more violently. This difference is mainly because L was delivered by a midwife in a birthcenter. However, due to insurance and issues we had finding a midwife this time, J was born in a hospital birth center, which despite what we thought was descent research and question asking, was extremely bureaucratic.
In discussing birth with other women, most have described it as either a completely awful painful experience, or something spiritual and peaceful. I think of birth a little differently, for both of my children I have seen their births as an athletic event. Seriously. I think it's all those years of cross country, working through intense pain up those hills prepared me for birth like nothing else. The way the pain comes in waves in running is similar to contractions for me, and the biggest effort comes at the end of a race in an intensely painful and satisfying way, just like the final pushing in birth.
Although baby J's birth was a more violent than I was expecting due to the crazy hospital rules, I felt totally and completely supported by my husband. Mainly, he spoke for me, and vied for my wishes, but he also rubbed my back and neck through every single contraction. One particularly bad point during labor I threw up, and was having the IV port put in my arm simultaneously. It was a pretty awful combination, and my husband is pretty squeamish particularly about anything to do with veins, and throwing up. Yet he held a bag for me, and kept on holding onto me. It was completely awful, but I felt extraordinarily loved by him in that moment hearing him trying to hold it together so he could be there for me.
Just like finishing my races, finally pushing my baby out was a moment of triumph for me. I felt powerful. I had endured all this crazy contraction pain, yet when it was time to push I knew exactly what I had to do.
My main sadness in the birth is that is was so stressful for A. He was worried about me, since none of the nurses listened to my wishes in the birth. Also the doctor didn't make it to the actual birth which was also extremely stressful for everyone, especially A.
However, once we saw our new little babe, we were able to let go of our frustrations with the hospital setting. He is gorgeous, and perfect. We've had a bonding week for our little family. It has been completely nuts, and we are definitely more sleep deprived than normal, but we are in love with our new little boy. Even L is quite taken with him :)
November
Monday, January 2, 2012
Happy New Year! (lots of baby talk just fyi)
I've been a bit absent lately, but I wanted to post a quick happy new year along with some of my hopes for 2012. A had last week off and he is quite distracting explaining my lack of posts :) We've also been getting as much as possible together for this new baby. I'm due January 10th (next week! AAAAAHHHHHH), but L was 8 days early shocking both of us who had been hearing the entire world tell us that first babies are always late. We are a bit more prepared for a possible early baby this time, although I really hope he waits to come at least until my sister gets here (she'll be here Wednesday). She just graduated with her Bachelors in December and will be coming to help out with the new one, then living with us for a few months while she gets on her feet post-college. I am so excited to have her with us, and for her to get to be around for baby J's coming. When L was born she was living in Europe and didn't get to meet the little girl until she was four months old. Tragedy.
The week off was fantastic. We did lots of very lazy things, naps in the afternoon, PJs until noon, snuggling with L and watching Shaun the Sheep (which she is now obsessed with, oops). I did have to do a bit of work from home too which took up a lot of my time not hanging with the family. We also did several house cleaning, and baby preparation projects and feel much more prepared.
We are very excited for 2012, and hoping for good things. Of course the new baby makes it a pretty exciting time. But A is also finishing his masters in May, I am doing well in my new job and I'm hopeful it will help make ends meet and not be too tough on me with the little ones. A has some job possibilities that I hope come to some good. I was a bit wary to make full-on resolutions this year since I don't know what this kid will be like and what I'll have time to actually accomplish. But here are my hopes/goals.
1. Run a race in the summer. I ran cross country through high school and college, but have been a bit of a couch potato the last few years. I'm hoping signing up for something gives me a good goal. I'm planning on a six to ten mile run.
2. Work on taking things in stride more. I stress way too much about everything. I really want to work on trusting more, and just being more peaceful.
3. Knit more. I love knitting, but the last few years I just have not dedicated much time to it. It's important to me because I love the results and it really helps me relax and get some creativity out.
4. Pray with A. This is something we'll do really well on for a few weeks, then slack off for a few, then try again. So we'll keep trying this year.
That's my list! I'm not going to make it longer since I know that a two year old and a new born will probably take a bit of effort this year :)
-November
The week off was fantastic. We did lots of very lazy things, naps in the afternoon, PJs until noon, snuggling with L and watching Shaun the Sheep (which she is now obsessed with, oops). I did have to do a bit of work from home too which took up a lot of my time not hanging with the family. We also did several house cleaning, and baby preparation projects and feel much more prepared.
We are very excited for 2012, and hoping for good things. Of course the new baby makes it a pretty exciting time. But A is also finishing his masters in May, I am doing well in my new job and I'm hopeful it will help make ends meet and not be too tough on me with the little ones. A has some job possibilities that I hope come to some good. I was a bit wary to make full-on resolutions this year since I don't know what this kid will be like and what I'll have time to actually accomplish. But here are my hopes/goals.
1. Run a race in the summer. I ran cross country through high school and college, but have been a bit of a couch potato the last few years. I'm hoping signing up for something gives me a good goal. I'm planning on a six to ten mile run.
2. Work on taking things in stride more. I stress way too much about everything. I really want to work on trusting more, and just being more peaceful.
3. Knit more. I love knitting, but the last few years I just have not dedicated much time to it. It's important to me because I love the results and it really helps me relax and get some creativity out.
4. Pray with A. This is something we'll do really well on for a few weeks, then slack off for a few, then try again. So we'll keep trying this year.
That's my list! I'm not going to make it longer since I know that a two year old and a new born will probably take a bit of effort this year :)
-November
Monday, December 12, 2011
Bridging the Divide Between Abundant Fertility and Possible Infertility
My family is fertile. Dang fertile. Granted I have a huge extended
family, so it's possible some of my aunts struggled, but it sure doesn't
look that way. My mother has 9 living siblings (two deceased), and the
less religious of them have a couple of kids, while my very catholic
aunt and uncle have 11 children. Almost all of my married cousins have
had children quickly and easily, and a few are up to four children.
However, growing up I wanted to be a nun. Part of this was due to a childhood zest for holy things, and partly it was because I didn't want to have kids. I loved families, and I loved big families, but all the moms I knew seemed completely down-trodden and exhausted, devoid of dreams and imagination. Perhaps I misinterpreted the mothers in my life, but the idea that mothers ceased to exist as anything but caretakers rang true for me, and I did not want to be that. I wanted to be awesome--like Olympic gymnast awesome.
As I got older I realized that perhaps some moms were really doing what they liked and that it might be ok. Plus boys were suddenly really cute. In college, realizing I was probably called to marriage and not religious life, I accepted the fact that I would probably have to have kids, and probably a lot of them. And the rest of the story you mostly know. I met and fell in love with A, and we had a baby long before we were ready. I am now eight months pregnant with our second baby. It has been hard, and strangely perfect.
However, in the last few years I've realized that not everyone gets pregnant easily. I know this sounds naive to all you ladies out there struggling with infertility, but I really thought that having a hard time getting pregnant was really really rare. I knew it happened, but I didn't know anyone personally that it had happened to. When I was beginning college I found out my step-mom and dad had been trying to have a baby for quite a while, so this was my first encounter. However, they were not very open about it with me (I imagine it's not something a woman would want to discuss with her 19 year old step-daughter), and I assumed it was due to my step-mom's age (she was in her mid-thirties when they started trying). Another reason I had not encountered many with this issue is that at that age most of my friends were not married, and consequently not in the baby game.
In the last two years I have come to know two women who have struggled with fertility. First, when we moved into our house our neighbors had just adopted a little boy. Their little boy was only two weeks older than L, and I quickly started hanging out with his mom, M. She was very open about her six-year struggle to conceive before they successfully adopted. I was amazed by her openness and about the ordeal, and I asked lots of questions since she seemed so open. I was able to hear about her experience with endometriosis, struggling to conceive, learning to deal with pregnancy announcements,and finally adoption. January and I had already been friends for quite a while, but she and her husband were still avoiding pregnancy. She shared her experiences with NFP with me, and helped me find resources to use it post-partum. It was quite a bonding experience for us discussing such intimate things in our lives. She was overjoyed at the birth of our little daughter and was completely accepting of our unexpected pregnancy which was something that I really needed at that point. We often shared our struggles and joys in using NFP, and discussed life in general. She would often tell me of their discussions over when to try and have a child, and I would worry over getting pregnant again. When she told me in the fall after L was born that she and her husband I decided to stop avoiding pregnancy and start trying to conceive, I was ecstatic. I was convinced she would be pregnant within a few months and we could continue to bond over having children.
As months went by and Jan shared her disappointment at the many negative pregnancy tests and unwelcome periods, we've had to navigate how to be good friends to each other while going through different phases in life. We already worked on this while I had a baby and she did not, but it has taken on a new dimension now in her struggles to conceive.
And now to the point of this post, and our efforts to bridge the divide between the super-fertile and the sub-fertile. L is now almost two and we are having a second baby in a month, and Jan has been trying to conceive for over a year. I've gotten a glimpse into the world of infertility, with all it's crazy tests, and extreme heartache. It seems that in life there is often a divide between women with children, and women without, and it looks like dealing with infertility can make it even more pronounced. It makes sense when you think about it. I'm sure it is often heart wrenching for a lady desperately wanting to have a child to hang out with a woman who has a child (or two), and conceives easily. Plus since infertility is such a misunderstood issue, it's easy for us to say things that are quite hurtful to sufferers--from complaining about diapers to pregnancy pain, these complaints must sound petty to a woman who longs to change little diapers and experience all the ups and downs of pregnancy.
Conversely those of us with normal fertility don't always know what to say to a lady suffering with IF. Particularly for a Catholic woman blessed with loads of fertility, we are usually wondering if we'll be caring for toddlers well into our forties (I know there's nothing wrong with this, but as I've shared before, I find the idea a bit overwhelming), and trying to manage the craziness of raising babies and maintaining sanity.
So yes, all of this is against us being friends. But we need each other. One of our purposes in starting this blog together is to explore how women in different states in life can understand and support each other. We are women trying to live out faith, and our vocations well. And I hope as much as possible that we can be there for each other even across this divide. I consider it often, both with my friendship with Jan, and considering most of our readers seem to be from the infertility camp.
Here is what I've observed so far in relating to women with IF. First off, I try to listen as much as possible. And ask questions which is pretty easy since I know so little about actively trying to conceive. Listening and asking questions helps me to know what Jan is going through as much as possible. And when she shares with me, and I know I just don't get it due to lack of experience I tell her that. but at the same time, I have felt pain before, I have felt sad and rejected before, and although it's different than the particular IF cross I think that knowing how these feelings feel, gives me sympathy. As nervous as I get sometimes about my overabundance of fertility, I know it is an easier thing to deal with than IF. The pain is so intense in women who go through it. It is a truly unique kind of cross, and I can only marvel at their faith and strength. The desire to be a mother is so strong, and so admirable.
Although I can't fully understand the cross of infertility, I want to be there for Jan and others as much as I possibly can. I'm hoping that by staying involved in the trilas of each other's lives we can stay close and keep from being separated by the differences in our challenges in life.
To all you other ladies out there struggling with infertility, do you have any other suggestions of how to be a good friend to someone on the outside?
-November
However, growing up I wanted to be a nun. Part of this was due to a childhood zest for holy things, and partly it was because I didn't want to have kids. I loved families, and I loved big families, but all the moms I knew seemed completely down-trodden and exhausted, devoid of dreams and imagination. Perhaps I misinterpreted the mothers in my life, but the idea that mothers ceased to exist as anything but caretakers rang true for me, and I did not want to be that. I wanted to be awesome--like Olympic gymnast awesome.
As I got older I realized that perhaps some moms were really doing what they liked and that it might be ok. Plus boys were suddenly really cute. In college, realizing I was probably called to marriage and not religious life, I accepted the fact that I would probably have to have kids, and probably a lot of them. And the rest of the story you mostly know. I met and fell in love with A, and we had a baby long before we were ready. I am now eight months pregnant with our second baby. It has been hard, and strangely perfect.
However, in the last few years I've realized that not everyone gets pregnant easily. I know this sounds naive to all you ladies out there struggling with infertility, but I really thought that having a hard time getting pregnant was really really rare. I knew it happened, but I didn't know anyone personally that it had happened to. When I was beginning college I found out my step-mom and dad had been trying to have a baby for quite a while, so this was my first encounter. However, they were not very open about it with me (I imagine it's not something a woman would want to discuss with her 19 year old step-daughter), and I assumed it was due to my step-mom's age (she was in her mid-thirties when they started trying). Another reason I had not encountered many with this issue is that at that age most of my friends were not married, and consequently not in the baby game.
In the last two years I have come to know two women who have struggled with fertility. First, when we moved into our house our neighbors had just adopted a little boy. Their little boy was only two weeks older than L, and I quickly started hanging out with his mom, M. She was very open about her six-year struggle to conceive before they successfully adopted. I was amazed by her openness and about the ordeal, and I asked lots of questions since she seemed so open. I was able to hear about her experience with endometriosis, struggling to conceive, learning to deal with pregnancy announcements,and finally adoption. January and I had already been friends for quite a while, but she and her husband were still avoiding pregnancy. She shared her experiences with NFP with me, and helped me find resources to use it post-partum. It was quite a bonding experience for us discussing such intimate things in our lives. She was overjoyed at the birth of our little daughter and was completely accepting of our unexpected pregnancy which was something that I really needed at that point. We often shared our struggles and joys in using NFP, and discussed life in general. She would often tell me of their discussions over when to try and have a child, and I would worry over getting pregnant again. When she told me in the fall after L was born that she and her husband I decided to stop avoiding pregnancy and start trying to conceive, I was ecstatic. I was convinced she would be pregnant within a few months and we could continue to bond over having children.
As months went by and Jan shared her disappointment at the many negative pregnancy tests and unwelcome periods, we've had to navigate how to be good friends to each other while going through different phases in life. We already worked on this while I had a baby and she did not, but it has taken on a new dimension now in her struggles to conceive.
And now to the point of this post, and our efforts to bridge the divide between the super-fertile and the sub-fertile. L is now almost two and we are having a second baby in a month, and Jan has been trying to conceive for over a year. I've gotten a glimpse into the world of infertility, with all it's crazy tests, and extreme heartache. It seems that in life there is often a divide between women with children, and women without, and it looks like dealing with infertility can make it even more pronounced. It makes sense when you think about it. I'm sure it is often heart wrenching for a lady desperately wanting to have a child to hang out with a woman who has a child (or two), and conceives easily. Plus since infertility is such a misunderstood issue, it's easy for us to say things that are quite hurtful to sufferers--from complaining about diapers to pregnancy pain, these complaints must sound petty to a woman who longs to change little diapers and experience all the ups and downs of pregnancy.
Conversely those of us with normal fertility don't always know what to say to a lady suffering with IF. Particularly for a Catholic woman blessed with loads of fertility, we are usually wondering if we'll be caring for toddlers well into our forties (I know there's nothing wrong with this, but as I've shared before, I find the idea a bit overwhelming), and trying to manage the craziness of raising babies and maintaining sanity.
So yes, all of this is against us being friends. But we need each other. One of our purposes in starting this blog together is to explore how women in different states in life can understand and support each other. We are women trying to live out faith, and our vocations well. And I hope as much as possible that we can be there for each other even across this divide. I consider it often, both with my friendship with Jan, and considering most of our readers seem to be from the infertility camp.
Here is what I've observed so far in relating to women with IF. First off, I try to listen as much as possible. And ask questions which is pretty easy since I know so little about actively trying to conceive. Listening and asking questions helps me to know what Jan is going through as much as possible. And when she shares with me, and I know I just don't get it due to lack of experience I tell her that. but at the same time, I have felt pain before, I have felt sad and rejected before, and although it's different than the particular IF cross I think that knowing how these feelings feel, gives me sympathy. As nervous as I get sometimes about my overabundance of fertility, I know it is an easier thing to deal with than IF. The pain is so intense in women who go through it. It is a truly unique kind of cross, and I can only marvel at their faith and strength. The desire to be a mother is so strong, and so admirable.
Although I can't fully understand the cross of infertility, I want to be there for Jan and others as much as I possibly can. I'm hoping that by staying involved in the trilas of each other's lives we can stay close and keep from being separated by the differences in our challenges in life.
To all you other ladies out there struggling with infertility, do you have any other suggestions of how to be a good friend to someone on the outside?
-November
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Breech
I had a prenatal appointment yesterday, and something I've suspected was confirmed. Baby J is officially still upside down (or right side-up, depending on how you think of it). I can feel his little head up by my ribs, and feel his kicks on the side of my abdomin. It feels like he is laying across me. So our baby is considered breech. According to my obgyn I have three options. Schedule a csection, wait to go into labor and see if he moves, or she can try to turn him around 37 weeks (this is all assuming he doesn't turn on his own in the next couple of weeks). If the turning doesn't work then we would probably just wait for me to go into labor and see what happens.
It's a little nerve-wracking. Csections scare me. I've been around lots of natural birth stories all my life. Plus once you have a csection it sounds like a constant battle to deliver naturally again. A is completely supportive and on-board for whatever happens, although I can tell he is worried about me possibly going through surgery. Anway, if you could all say a little prayer that we can talk J into turning that would be great!
-November
It's a little nerve-wracking. Csections scare me. I've been around lots of natural birth stories all my life. Plus once you have a csection it sounds like a constant battle to deliver naturally again. A is completely supportive and on-board for whatever happens, although I can tell he is worried about me possibly going through surgery. Anway, if you could all say a little prayer that we can talk J into turning that would be great!
-November
Friday, November 4, 2011
Dreams
Last night, I dreamt that I was pregnant.
If I had to gauge it, I'd say I was probably 4 months along, somewhere between looking like I've been gaining weight and actually looking like I was pregnant. I was with November and another mutual friend, and I think we were at an amusement park, of all places. We all kept commenting that here I was, pregnant when I had worried about it for so long, and how wonderful it all was.
Of course, I woke up, and now I'm sad.
I don't always remember my dreams, but I do tend to have vivid ones. They are also very obviously influenced by the things I've seen, read, and talked about during the day. Last night before bed, I watched the season premier of B.ones, where Dr. Brenna.n. is pregnant with B.ooth's baby. I know that my dream last night was a direct result of watching that episode, so it's not like I can whimsically pretend that my mind is willing my body to be pregnant. Also, I'm all crampy because it's the beginning of my cycle, so I think my mind was really trying to process why the heck my middle section feels so uncomfortable. It found Dr. Brenn.an and here we are.
Over the last week or so, I've actually had a number of dreams that were kind of disturbingly related to reproduction. I'm thinking about ovulation, reading a book about two young men looking for eggs during the siege of Leningrad in WWII, and I dreamed a horrible dream that I laid an egg. I'd been wondering if Husband and I will be foster parents someday (it's something I used to think would be a good idea after we'd had kids of our own) and I dreamed that we had taken in our first foster child, but that we then completely forgot about her existence until someone else brought it up the next day. That was the worst dream of all that week.
I guess dreaming that I'm pregnant isn't that weird, I just really wish it were still true when I woke up.
-January
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