I've been using the Marquette method to track my fertility or lack thereof since relations (insert eyebrow wiggle here) resumed postpartum. It's obscenely expensive to buy those little sticks, but I have no confidence in my ability to use any other NFP method. I cannot interpret mucus to save my life.
When you are breastfeeding there's a different protocol than when you're cycling normally, because of how nursing can suppress your fertility. You create an artificial 20 day cycle, for reasons that I only sort of understand but I don't feel confident telling anyone over the internet. For my first couple of "cycles," everything just stayed low. Then they'd start out low, but begin reading high sometime during the cycle, but when I'd trigger a new cycle, they'd go back to low. However, this last time, when I triggered and then tested for a new cycle, they stayed high! This meant we were either in for a long period of abstaining (insert disappointed Husband and January faces here) or I was about to ovulate for real. Just a few days into the "cycle," the monitor indicates that I've peaked! (Insert shocked January face here).
A bunch of questions and feelings that were conveniently tucked away in my postpartum, non-cycling mind are starting to creep out.
I talked to Husband about some of the overarching issues yesterday without getting emotional. And while he specifically said that we didn't need to hash out the whole thing immediately, he was also more receptive of the conversation than I expected him to be. We laid out the scenarios of what could happen if IF happens again, even though it's not like we arrived at any sort of answers. I am quite positive that it's because I was sitting on the floor with G, holding her as she gnawed on my knee and played with some toys, but I was able to be rather dispassionate on the subject of IF.
Knowing myself, that won't last for long, but I am hoping to use this space to sort out my thoughts and any emotions that come along with them.
Love,
January
Showing posts with label NFP. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NFP. Show all posts
Monday, March 24, 2014
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Once again...
We are using NFP. It's been so different this time I think because we feel much more strongly about waiting After L was born we wanted some space but we knew we wanted another baby not too far down the line. We avoided until she was 15 months old then decided to go for it on a whim and baby J was conceived (I was not cycling for nine of those months though).
But this time I do not feel that desire for a baby. I don't know if it's due to exhaustion or what, but I know that I feel no pull towards adding a third child. And it feels very un-Catholic, with my scrupulosity kicking in that is. A feels the same. I realize we have good reasons to postpone for now, but currently I want to postpone forever, and I feel bad I feel that way (oh what a tangled feeling web...).
My guess is that this wish to stop is due mostly to the craziness of the last few years. The last four years have been incredible for us, full of so much joy. But the amount of change we have gone through is insane--moves, engagement, babies, marriage, several job changes, extended family drama. I feel a bit dizzy thinking about all of the changes in our lives, especially considering that six years ago A and I had not even met, and I was just a college student living in a dorm, studying English. Just a year before that I was a community college student living in my parents' house. So I'm sure much of our apathy towards having more kids is because it has been so nice these last few months (since A got his new job) not having any major changes on the docket. We've finally had time to actually pay attention to our own health, and to bettering our relationship. We've gone on dates, started working out, done some house projects, and spent lots of time with our kids. So the idea of seeking pregnancy right now sounds absolutely terrible. I don't mean to offend anyone struggling with infertility, and of course if we somehow got pregnant now we would love the kid to death. But I am of the very firm persuasion that I can't really love someone who does not exist (once that person starts existing then I am so there).
Anyway, so this determination for some time to adjust to all the many changes in our lives has helped us practice NFP fairly well, for us anyway. We are only a few cycles in, but we made it through the completely awful post postpartum transition which is a huge victory.
But as I said above, I feel very not Catholic about it. I don't want to be open to pregnancy again, and a part of me feels that is not acceptable. The way I grew up we learned a touch of providentialism, so I struggle to realize that we are not required to have as many kids as possible. And currently I am feeling so excited to see our kids get older. I am loving seeing L as a kid rather than a baby, and getting to have conversations with her. I want to keep growing up with our kids, not get plunged back into the newborn days over and over again. A is much less scrupulous than I, and says that as long as we strive to follow Church teaching regarding NFP we can make our choices. I, on the other hand, am having a hard time shaking off the 'must have big family' mentality, plus I worry about our ability to practice NFP long term. I hope to expand on this more later, but as of now I am still a bit internet shy.
November
But this time I do not feel that desire for a baby. I don't know if it's due to exhaustion or what, but I know that I feel no pull towards adding a third child. And it feels very un-Catholic, with my scrupulosity kicking in that is. A feels the same. I realize we have good reasons to postpone for now, but currently I want to postpone forever, and I feel bad I feel that way (oh what a tangled feeling web...).
My guess is that this wish to stop is due mostly to the craziness of the last few years. The last four years have been incredible for us, full of so much joy. But the amount of change we have gone through is insane--moves, engagement, babies, marriage, several job changes, extended family drama. I feel a bit dizzy thinking about all of the changes in our lives, especially considering that six years ago A and I had not even met, and I was just a college student living in a dorm, studying English. Just a year before that I was a community college student living in my parents' house. So I'm sure much of our apathy towards having more kids is because it has been so nice these last few months (since A got his new job) not having any major changes on the docket. We've finally had time to actually pay attention to our own health, and to bettering our relationship. We've gone on dates, started working out, done some house projects, and spent lots of time with our kids. So the idea of seeking pregnancy right now sounds absolutely terrible. I don't mean to offend anyone struggling with infertility, and of course if we somehow got pregnant now we would love the kid to death. But I am of the very firm persuasion that I can't really love someone who does not exist (once that person starts existing then I am so there).
Anyway, so this determination for some time to adjust to all the many changes in our lives has helped us practice NFP fairly well, for us anyway. We are only a few cycles in, but we made it through the completely awful post postpartum transition which is a huge victory.
But as I said above, I feel very not Catholic about it. I don't want to be open to pregnancy again, and a part of me feels that is not acceptable. The way I grew up we learned a touch of providentialism, so I struggle to realize that we are not required to have as many kids as possible. And currently I am feeling so excited to see our kids get older. I am loving seeing L as a kid rather than a baby, and getting to have conversations with her. I want to keep growing up with our kids, not get plunged back into the newborn days over and over again. A is much less scrupulous than I, and says that as long as we strive to follow Church teaching regarding NFP we can make our choices. I, on the other hand, am having a hard time shaking off the 'must have big family' mentality, plus I worry about our ability to practice NFP long term. I hope to expand on this more later, but as of now I am still a bit internet shy.
November
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
In my random internet wanderings....
Has anyone else stumbled across this post? http://caelumetterra.wordpress.com/2011/07/17/is-natural-family-planning-really-natural/
Quite a bit more negative in the NFP department than I normally see, and probably not the most healthy thread for me to read, but it was fascinating (and long!). It just had a revival a few weeks ago. I'm not sure what I think of it yet...any thoughts?
November
Quite a bit more negative in the NFP department than I normally see, and probably not the most healthy thread for me to read, but it was fascinating (and long!). It just had a revival a few weeks ago. I'm not sure what I think of it yet...any thoughts?
November
Saturday, March 10, 2012
My NFP Story, Wrapped Up in the HHS Debate, with a Link to a Post about Christian Love on Top
My view of the HHS contraception debate is all wrapped up with my personal decision to use NFP, so instead of trying to untangle them, I’m going to share them both. In addition, I want to recommend that you read this post from a priest named Father Christian over at Elizabeth Esther’s website. It was just what I needed to see yesterday, when I was feeling totally distressed about the fact that people I have cared about can be such, well, jerks. If you've been feeling kind of beat up by this particular national row, I promise you that the Thomas Merton quote will make you feel worlds better.
---
I had always known that the Church was opposed to contraception of any kind, but I never really understood why. My perspective was that God was God, and if you were using contraception but He wanted you to get pregnant, He could make that happen. It sounds mighty flip, I know, but it made a lot of sense to me at the time. Mary didn’t even have to have sex to become Jesus’s mother, so it seemed to me that you should do what you needed to protect yourself from diseases and unwanted pregnancies if you were going to have sex, and God would do what God needed to do.
My gynecologist and primary care physician had both urged me to take the pill, the former because I complained of terrible cramps and the latter because, I’m guessing, I was a female in her early 20s, and she thought it was unlikely that I would remain a virgin much longer. When Husband and I had started dating, way back in high school, we agreed that we wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. We always knew that we’d made the right decision, but it certainly wasn’t always easy. Fortunately, we were both committed to that choice to wait, and when one of us wavered, the other kept strong, and we actually made it to our wedding night!
However, at my last doctor’s appointment before our wedding, I told my doctor that we were getting married, so I guessed that I needed to go on the pill. She didn’t object and even wrote me a prescription for the brand I suggested because I knew my sister used it. I started taking it, and it did help my terrible cramping a lot, and it was also cool to know exactly when my next period would arrive. My very unpredictable cycles never evened out after puberty the way that my mom and various medical professionals told me they would, so it was a relief not to be caught unawares.
Right around that time, Husband and I went to the pre-marriage conference that the diocese requires engaged couples to attend. A couple in their sixties, I’d say, gave the witness talk about NFP. They talked about how the wife had suffered many miscarriages after their first two children were born, and she’d been told that if she had another one she’d likely die. So she went on the pill. They mentioned it to a priest friend, and said they were glad they were exempt from the requirement not to use contraception, since she had a life-threatening condition. The priest told them that there was no exemption, not even for a situation like this. They decided to go back to using NFP (I don’t know what form), and abstained very conservatively, adding a day onto each end of the time they thought she’d be fertile, just in case. They made it through their childbearing years, alive and still very much in love.
After hearing that story and learning about the abortifacient properties of hormonal contraceptives in particular, I realized that my reasons for being on the pill were not valid. If this woman could have DIED and still chose to follow the Church’s teaching, I needed to do that, too. I was horrified to think that we might have lost little babies because the pill was making my uterus a hostile place for them to implant. Husband and I took a walk outside and I cried, and he said we could do whatever I wanted. I remained on the pill the first six months we were married, until I found that I could order the CCL teaching kit to learn at home. I went off the pill right away, three years ago now, and truly have never looked back.
---
This is where my mind goes when I think about the current contraception debate. I have a hard time sharing my thoughts about this with anyone who disagrees with me. It makes me feel like a total wimp, and certainly not a warrior for God or unborn children. But at the same time, every post on Facebook and ever blog post on this topic makes me want to scream out.
What follows is my reasoning for why the Church should not under any circumstances have to carry insurance that funds contraceptives (or sterilization or anything like that). It’s what I wish I could share, but am always afraid to. I need the safety of my anonymous blog to let it out.
The Catholic Church believes that sexual intercourse has two purposes that cannot be separated from each other: the joyful, pleasurable union of husband and wife AND the creation of new life. There is so much wrapped up in this one belief that causes the Catholic Church to be at odds with the world today. But it makes so much sense! The Church is opposed to all of the contraception and sterilization in this law because it prevents the second purpose. Plain and simple. Hormonal contraceptives are repugnant because when you believe that life starts the moment that an egg is fertilized, you believe that that new life should not be extinguished.
The thing I want to say is that nearly all of those complaints, the ones that I read online and hear on the radio all the time about why women NEED hormonal birth control aren’t enough. Protecting life trumps relieving suffering. I’m not saying that life is pain, but I am saying that God even let His only Son suffer excruciating pain in order to save our eternal souls. I’m still infertile, so I don’t know what I would do if I were told that I had to prevent myself from getting pregnant or else I would die. But I like to think that I’d be as brave as the woman who gave her witness talk at that pre-Cana conference, and trust that God would keep me in his hands no matter what.
-January
---
I had always known that the Church was opposed to contraception of any kind, but I never really understood why. My perspective was that God was God, and if you were using contraception but He wanted you to get pregnant, He could make that happen. It sounds mighty flip, I know, but it made a lot of sense to me at the time. Mary didn’t even have to have sex to become Jesus’s mother, so it seemed to me that you should do what you needed to protect yourself from diseases and unwanted pregnancies if you were going to have sex, and God would do what God needed to do.
My gynecologist and primary care physician had both urged me to take the pill, the former because I complained of terrible cramps and the latter because, I’m guessing, I was a female in her early 20s, and she thought it was unlikely that I would remain a virgin much longer. When Husband and I had started dating, way back in high school, we agreed that we wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. We always knew that we’d made the right decision, but it certainly wasn’t always easy. Fortunately, we were both committed to that choice to wait, and when one of us wavered, the other kept strong, and we actually made it to our wedding night!
However, at my last doctor’s appointment before our wedding, I told my doctor that we were getting married, so I guessed that I needed to go on the pill. She didn’t object and even wrote me a prescription for the brand I suggested because I knew my sister used it. I started taking it, and it did help my terrible cramping a lot, and it was also cool to know exactly when my next period would arrive. My very unpredictable cycles never evened out after puberty the way that my mom and various medical professionals told me they would, so it was a relief not to be caught unawares.
Right around that time, Husband and I went to the pre-marriage conference that the diocese requires engaged couples to attend. A couple in their sixties, I’d say, gave the witness talk about NFP. They talked about how the wife had suffered many miscarriages after their first two children were born, and she’d been told that if she had another one she’d likely die. So she went on the pill. They mentioned it to a priest friend, and said they were glad they were exempt from the requirement not to use contraception, since she had a life-threatening condition. The priest told them that there was no exemption, not even for a situation like this. They decided to go back to using NFP (I don’t know what form), and abstained very conservatively, adding a day onto each end of the time they thought she’d be fertile, just in case. They made it through their childbearing years, alive and still very much in love.
After hearing that story and learning about the abortifacient properties of hormonal contraceptives in particular, I realized that my reasons for being on the pill were not valid. If this woman could have DIED and still chose to follow the Church’s teaching, I needed to do that, too. I was horrified to think that we might have lost little babies because the pill was making my uterus a hostile place for them to implant. Husband and I took a walk outside and I cried, and he said we could do whatever I wanted. I remained on the pill the first six months we were married, until I found that I could order the CCL teaching kit to learn at home. I went off the pill right away, three years ago now, and truly have never looked back.
---
This is where my mind goes when I think about the current contraception debate. I have a hard time sharing my thoughts about this with anyone who disagrees with me. It makes me feel like a total wimp, and certainly not a warrior for God or unborn children. But at the same time, every post on Facebook and ever blog post on this topic makes me want to scream out.
What follows is my reasoning for why the Church should not under any circumstances have to carry insurance that funds contraceptives (or sterilization or anything like that). It’s what I wish I could share, but am always afraid to. I need the safety of my anonymous blog to let it out.
The Catholic Church believes that sexual intercourse has two purposes that cannot be separated from each other: the joyful, pleasurable union of husband and wife AND the creation of new life. There is so much wrapped up in this one belief that causes the Catholic Church to be at odds with the world today. But it makes so much sense! The Church is opposed to all of the contraception and sterilization in this law because it prevents the second purpose. Plain and simple. Hormonal contraceptives are repugnant because when you believe that life starts the moment that an egg is fertilized, you believe that that new life should not be extinguished.
The thing I want to say is that nearly all of those complaints, the ones that I read online and hear on the radio all the time about why women NEED hormonal birth control aren’t enough. Protecting life trumps relieving suffering. I’m not saying that life is pain, but I am saying that God even let His only Son suffer excruciating pain in order to save our eternal souls. I’m still infertile, so I don’t know what I would do if I were told that I had to prevent myself from getting pregnant or else I would die. But I like to think that I’d be as brave as the woman who gave her witness talk at that pre-Cana conference, and trust that God would keep me in his hands no matter what.
-January
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
What's happening on the IF front and other fronts
It's been ages since I've written anything! After the emotional return of AF (which you got to read about), and then the steeling of my will to bear down and fight, I decided to get my prescription for Tamoxifen (20mg) filled and took that on CD 3-7 this month. While I took it, I didn't notice any side effects they warned about, like hot flashes, (I think it's a pretty low dose), but I have did have a bit of a dry spell of CM. That made me nervous (and I'm still hoping things pick up enough so that I can identify Peak, which I'm already bad at, because I need to have a P+7 blood draw one of the two cycles that I am on the tamoxifen) but a couple of people posted about their dryness on Clomid, which assured me that this is probably a normal side effect. I've also had higher temps way earlier in my cycle than I ever have before. I'm guessing this is a side effect too.
As you can tell, and I may have mentioned before, I currently chart STM. Because so many people use Creighton, when I last went to my Napro-trained doctor, she surprised me by suggesting that I use Marquette. I talked to Husband about our options, and bless his heart, he didn't know what to say. He never really bothered to learn STM with me, so he isn't even sure how they would all differ. I sort of floundered for a bit after that and just felt stuck.
Last week, Rebecca wrote a post about why she and her DH use NaPro. She also linked to a post by Rae about why she, on the other hand, was not using NaPro. I so appreciated the opposing viewpoints of these reflections, and they both really helped me think about my choices for medical care. Husband is still having a hard time digesting our IF status, so it's hard to have a fruitful conversation with him about what we would or wouldn't be willing to pursue down the road. I know that I am still on board with having a laparoscopy if the tamoxifen doesn't help get the job done, but I also realized that we'll probably not be ready to go to Omaha any time in the next few years. When I asked in the past why everyone charts Creighton, the answer that came back was that Napro docs use it, and in particular that Dr. H uses it. Because my Napro-trained doc suggested something else, and I'm probably not going to be working with PPVI soon, I figure Marquette will serve for now. She didn't say this, but I'm guessing Dr. C suggested it because I don't have confidence in my CM observations, and maybe she is worried that I'm not ovulating, which would be the reason for the tamoxifen anyway. My charts have never been picture-perfect, and I do have a hard time identifying Peak. I am hopeful that this will help. It also feels good just to have made a decision. I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of my monitor in the mail!
But wait, there is not only IF news!
I'd told Husband last year that I wanted to learn more about Catholic bioethics, in order to be able to have the hard conversations that come up so often with friends, family, and others who don't believe in the sanctity of human life. So for Christmas, he bought me a couple of books by Fr. Robert J. Spitzer, S.J., Ph.D.. I'm reading Ten Universal Principles: A Brief Philosophy of the Life Issues and learning a lot! And, dare I say, I'm enjoying it? I hated my college philosophy course and generally feel like my mind just doesn't work the right way to understand philosophers. As I read, I'm keeping a journal of what I'm learning AND I'm underlining key sentences in the book, which is something I'd normally never do. Maybe the key to learning philosophy is learning something that I'm really interested in, and not just the prescribed 101 curriculum. I plan to post what I learn along the way here, as another way to help me understand all of this. I have to be able to explain it, then hopefully engage with others about it.
Work has entered a particularly stressful period. I knew this was coming (the end of year reviews), but I didn't know just how many other important work things these reviews would coincide with. I'm telling myself that I WILL get it all done and that I just need to stay focused. I don't usually reject a day off, but this could not have been a worse-timed three day weekend. Some work got done at home, though, so in the end I suppose it was nice to sit on the couch with my cat while doing research. It seems like the key to handling anything is trying to handle everything all at once. That way, I don't have time to fret about any particular problem. I'm thankful that it's shaping up to be a busy rest of winter and spring!
-January
As you can tell, and I may have mentioned before, I currently chart STM. Because so many people use Creighton, when I last went to my Napro-trained doctor, she surprised me by suggesting that I use Marquette. I talked to Husband about our options, and bless his heart, he didn't know what to say. He never really bothered to learn STM with me, so he isn't even sure how they would all differ. I sort of floundered for a bit after that and just felt stuck.
Last week, Rebecca wrote a post about why she and her DH use NaPro. She also linked to a post by Rae about why she, on the other hand, was not using NaPro. I so appreciated the opposing viewpoints of these reflections, and they both really helped me think about my choices for medical care. Husband is still having a hard time digesting our IF status, so it's hard to have a fruitful conversation with him about what we would or wouldn't be willing to pursue down the road. I know that I am still on board with having a laparoscopy if the tamoxifen doesn't help get the job done, but I also realized that we'll probably not be ready to go to Omaha any time in the next few years. When I asked in the past why everyone charts Creighton, the answer that came back was that Napro docs use it, and in particular that Dr. H uses it. Because my Napro-trained doc suggested something else, and I'm probably not going to be working with PPVI soon, I figure Marquette will serve for now. She didn't say this, but I'm guessing Dr. C suggested it because I don't have confidence in my CM observations, and maybe she is worried that I'm not ovulating, which would be the reason for the tamoxifen anyway. My charts have never been picture-perfect, and I do have a hard time identifying Peak. I am hopeful that this will help. It also feels good just to have made a decision. I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of my monitor in the mail!
But wait, there is not only IF news!
I'd told Husband last year that I wanted to learn more about Catholic bioethics, in order to be able to have the hard conversations that come up so often with friends, family, and others who don't believe in the sanctity of human life. So for Christmas, he bought me a couple of books by Fr. Robert J. Spitzer, S.J., Ph.D.. I'm reading Ten Universal Principles: A Brief Philosophy of the Life Issues and learning a lot! And, dare I say, I'm enjoying it? I hated my college philosophy course and generally feel like my mind just doesn't work the right way to understand philosophers. As I read, I'm keeping a journal of what I'm learning AND I'm underlining key sentences in the book, which is something I'd normally never do. Maybe the key to learning philosophy is learning something that I'm really interested in, and not just the prescribed 101 curriculum. I plan to post what I learn along the way here, as another way to help me understand all of this. I have to be able to explain it, then hopefully engage with others about it.
Work has entered a particularly stressful period. I knew this was coming (the end of year reviews), but I didn't know just how many other important work things these reviews would coincide with. I'm telling myself that I WILL get it all done and that I just need to stay focused. I don't usually reject a day off, but this could not have been a worse-timed three day weekend. Some work got done at home, though, so in the end I suppose it was nice to sit on the couch with my cat while doing research. It seems like the key to handling anything is trying to handle everything all at once. That way, I don't have time to fret about any particular problem. I'm thankful that it's shaping up to be a busy rest of winter and spring!
-January
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Rant Alert
I feel like I’m going at little bit crazy right now. And it
has nothing to do with the Christmas season.
Ugh, I just don’t know where to start to deal with our IF situation. Many people, in an attempt to be helpful, tell stories about how they or their mom or their second cousin’s best friend’s step-sister had trouble conceiving. But then out of the blue, they conceived and had a baby! On some levels, those stories are comforting. Their moral: you never know what might be in store for you, so just hang in there a little bit longer.
Where I’m at right now, though, stories like this are really throwing me for a loop. Their other moral is: if you don’t do anything, you could still conceive and have a baby. Now, granted, I and probably many of the people who tell these stories don’t know everything about the situation. Treatment may have been sought and it’s likely that this info didn’t get all of the way to the storyteller. Not everyone wants to share their very personal experiences with struggling to become a parent.
My conundrum is that I don’t know what we should be doing. I do think that Husband needs to get the SA done, but after that…I feel lost.
Do I start with 2 months of tamoxifen, as Dr. C has prescribed? I think I’m hesitant to begin this because I am averse to taking a medication when I don’t know what the problem is. Then there are the practical particulars. How many months of medication can we realistically afford? Will Husband prioritize baby making instead of working during the months that I take the medication? Will the medicine have side effects that make me an even more depressed and stressed about this than I already am?
Do I schedule a laparoscopy in a few months? I know that it’s meant to be investigative, but the idea of having surgery not to heal something but just to find out if I have a problem seems a little…excessive in some ways. My dad is a doctor, and in my house if you weren’t experiencing copious blood loss or raging high fevers, the problem wasn’t really serious enough to merit attention. Reading about endo doesn’t really help me figure out what to do. I might have some issues here, things definitely aren’t perfect in my cycle, but I don’t know if a 40% chance of having endo (which is what Dr. C says I’d have if Husband’s SA comes back fairly normal) is enough to warrant surgery. Is it? Oh yeah, and then the cost thing again.
Do I turn to other forms of exploration and treatment here? I have only ever done the charting you learn from CCL before you get married. My doctor said the first time that we met that I didn’t need to learn a new method, but then when I asked her this time, she recommended Marquette. Should I learn that and buy a fertility monitor? Again, whoa on the upfront and continuing costs, but I could definitely handle that, especially if it led to a baby. But does this mean she thinks there isn’t anything really wrong with me and that Husband and I just have really bad timing? I mean, that’s possible, especially given how much he works, and how I am not a night owl. But 16 months of bad timing, even while I was charting religiously? Really?
A lot of bloggers seem to use Creighton. Why is that, Creighton ladies? And why isn’t the doc recommending it to me?
What if Husband and I just aren’t taking good enough care of ourselves, in terms of our diet, our sleep habits, our physical fitness? How much of a factor could that be? Should I dedicate myself to eating the perfect food, sleeping the perfect amount, getting myself into ideal childbearing shape?
Do I just need to have more faith here? Husband seems to be so sure that God will bless us with a child in His own time. Am I being presumptuous by looking to change our lives and our health to try to make it happen in MY time?
Or another thing that makes me hate myself - am I just afraid? Afraid that pursuing these options will confirm my IF? Afraid that pursuing these options will actually lead to a baby? Afraid of admitting that I don't have faith that things will work out?
Argh! Feeling the tears of frustration here. I just don’t know what to do.
-January
Ugh, I just don’t know where to start to deal with our IF situation. Many people, in an attempt to be helpful, tell stories about how they or their mom or their second cousin’s best friend’s step-sister had trouble conceiving. But then out of the blue, they conceived and had a baby! On some levels, those stories are comforting. Their moral: you never know what might be in store for you, so just hang in there a little bit longer.
Where I’m at right now, though, stories like this are really throwing me for a loop. Their other moral is: if you don’t do anything, you could still conceive and have a baby. Now, granted, I and probably many of the people who tell these stories don’t know everything about the situation. Treatment may have been sought and it’s likely that this info didn’t get all of the way to the storyteller. Not everyone wants to share their very personal experiences with struggling to become a parent.
My conundrum is that I don’t know what we should be doing. I do think that Husband needs to get the SA done, but after that…I feel lost.
Do I start with 2 months of tamoxifen, as Dr. C has prescribed? I think I’m hesitant to begin this because I am averse to taking a medication when I don’t know what the problem is. Then there are the practical particulars. How many months of medication can we realistically afford? Will Husband prioritize baby making instead of working during the months that I take the medication? Will the medicine have side effects that make me an even more depressed and stressed about this than I already am?
Do I schedule a laparoscopy in a few months? I know that it’s meant to be investigative, but the idea of having surgery not to heal something but just to find out if I have a problem seems a little…excessive in some ways. My dad is a doctor, and in my house if you weren’t experiencing copious blood loss or raging high fevers, the problem wasn’t really serious enough to merit attention. Reading about endo doesn’t really help me figure out what to do. I might have some issues here, things definitely aren’t perfect in my cycle, but I don’t know if a 40% chance of having endo (which is what Dr. C says I’d have if Husband’s SA comes back fairly normal) is enough to warrant surgery. Is it? Oh yeah, and then the cost thing again.
Do I turn to other forms of exploration and treatment here? I have only ever done the charting you learn from CCL before you get married. My doctor said the first time that we met that I didn’t need to learn a new method, but then when I asked her this time, she recommended Marquette. Should I learn that and buy a fertility monitor? Again, whoa on the upfront and continuing costs, but I could definitely handle that, especially if it led to a baby. But does this mean she thinks there isn’t anything really wrong with me and that Husband and I just have really bad timing? I mean, that’s possible, especially given how much he works, and how I am not a night owl. But 16 months of bad timing, even while I was charting religiously? Really?
A lot of bloggers seem to use Creighton. Why is that, Creighton ladies? And why isn’t the doc recommending it to me?
What if Husband and I just aren’t taking good enough care of ourselves, in terms of our diet, our sleep habits, our physical fitness? How much of a factor could that be? Should I dedicate myself to eating the perfect food, sleeping the perfect amount, getting myself into ideal childbearing shape?
Do I just need to have more faith here? Husband seems to be so sure that God will bless us with a child in His own time. Am I being presumptuous by looking to change our lives and our health to try to make it happen in MY time?
Or another thing that makes me hate myself - am I just afraid? Afraid that pursuing these options will confirm my IF? Afraid that pursuing these options will actually lead to a baby? Afraid of admitting that I don't have faith that things will work out?
Argh! Feeling the tears of frustration here. I just don’t know what to do.
-January
Monday, December 12, 2011
Bridging the Divide Between Abundant Fertility and Possible Infertility
My family is fertile. Dang fertile. Granted I have a huge extended
family, so it's possible some of my aunts struggled, but it sure doesn't
look that way. My mother has 9 living siblings (two deceased), and the
less religious of them have a couple of kids, while my very catholic
aunt and uncle have 11 children. Almost all of my married cousins have
had children quickly and easily, and a few are up to four children.
However, growing up I wanted to be a nun. Part of this was due to a childhood zest for holy things, and partly it was because I didn't want to have kids. I loved families, and I loved big families, but all the moms I knew seemed completely down-trodden and exhausted, devoid of dreams and imagination. Perhaps I misinterpreted the mothers in my life, but the idea that mothers ceased to exist as anything but caretakers rang true for me, and I did not want to be that. I wanted to be awesome--like Olympic gymnast awesome.
As I got older I realized that perhaps some moms were really doing what they liked and that it might be ok. Plus boys were suddenly really cute. In college, realizing I was probably called to marriage and not religious life, I accepted the fact that I would probably have to have kids, and probably a lot of them. And the rest of the story you mostly know. I met and fell in love with A, and we had a baby long before we were ready. I am now eight months pregnant with our second baby. It has been hard, and strangely perfect.
However, in the last few years I've realized that not everyone gets pregnant easily. I know this sounds naive to all you ladies out there struggling with infertility, but I really thought that having a hard time getting pregnant was really really rare. I knew it happened, but I didn't know anyone personally that it had happened to. When I was beginning college I found out my step-mom and dad had been trying to have a baby for quite a while, so this was my first encounter. However, they were not very open about it with me (I imagine it's not something a woman would want to discuss with her 19 year old step-daughter), and I assumed it was due to my step-mom's age (she was in her mid-thirties when they started trying). Another reason I had not encountered many with this issue is that at that age most of my friends were not married, and consequently not in the baby game.
In the last two years I have come to know two women who have struggled with fertility. First, when we moved into our house our neighbors had just adopted a little boy. Their little boy was only two weeks older than L, and I quickly started hanging out with his mom, M. She was very open about her six-year struggle to conceive before they successfully adopted. I was amazed by her openness and about the ordeal, and I asked lots of questions since she seemed so open. I was able to hear about her experience with endometriosis, struggling to conceive, learning to deal with pregnancy announcements,and finally adoption. January and I had already been friends for quite a while, but she and her husband were still avoiding pregnancy. She shared her experiences with NFP with me, and helped me find resources to use it post-partum. It was quite a bonding experience for us discussing such intimate things in our lives. She was overjoyed at the birth of our little daughter and was completely accepting of our unexpected pregnancy which was something that I really needed at that point. We often shared our struggles and joys in using NFP, and discussed life in general. She would often tell me of their discussions over when to try and have a child, and I would worry over getting pregnant again. When she told me in the fall after L was born that she and her husband I decided to stop avoiding pregnancy and start trying to conceive, I was ecstatic. I was convinced she would be pregnant within a few months and we could continue to bond over having children.
As months went by and Jan shared her disappointment at the many negative pregnancy tests and unwelcome periods, we've had to navigate how to be good friends to each other while going through different phases in life. We already worked on this while I had a baby and she did not, but it has taken on a new dimension now in her struggles to conceive.
And now to the point of this post, and our efforts to bridge the divide between the super-fertile and the sub-fertile. L is now almost two and we are having a second baby in a month, and Jan has been trying to conceive for over a year. I've gotten a glimpse into the world of infertility, with all it's crazy tests, and extreme heartache. It seems that in life there is often a divide between women with children, and women without, and it looks like dealing with infertility can make it even more pronounced. It makes sense when you think about it. I'm sure it is often heart wrenching for a lady desperately wanting to have a child to hang out with a woman who has a child (or two), and conceives easily. Plus since infertility is such a misunderstood issue, it's easy for us to say things that are quite hurtful to sufferers--from complaining about diapers to pregnancy pain, these complaints must sound petty to a woman who longs to change little diapers and experience all the ups and downs of pregnancy.
Conversely those of us with normal fertility don't always know what to say to a lady suffering with IF. Particularly for a Catholic woman blessed with loads of fertility, we are usually wondering if we'll be caring for toddlers well into our forties (I know there's nothing wrong with this, but as I've shared before, I find the idea a bit overwhelming), and trying to manage the craziness of raising babies and maintaining sanity.
So yes, all of this is against us being friends. But we need each other. One of our purposes in starting this blog together is to explore how women in different states in life can understand and support each other. We are women trying to live out faith, and our vocations well. And I hope as much as possible that we can be there for each other even across this divide. I consider it often, both with my friendship with Jan, and considering most of our readers seem to be from the infertility camp.
Here is what I've observed so far in relating to women with IF. First off, I try to listen as much as possible. And ask questions which is pretty easy since I know so little about actively trying to conceive. Listening and asking questions helps me to know what Jan is going through as much as possible. And when she shares with me, and I know I just don't get it due to lack of experience I tell her that. but at the same time, I have felt pain before, I have felt sad and rejected before, and although it's different than the particular IF cross I think that knowing how these feelings feel, gives me sympathy. As nervous as I get sometimes about my overabundance of fertility, I know it is an easier thing to deal with than IF. The pain is so intense in women who go through it. It is a truly unique kind of cross, and I can only marvel at their faith and strength. The desire to be a mother is so strong, and so admirable.
Although I can't fully understand the cross of infertility, I want to be there for Jan and others as much as I possibly can. I'm hoping that by staying involved in the trilas of each other's lives we can stay close and keep from being separated by the differences in our challenges in life.
To all you other ladies out there struggling with infertility, do you have any other suggestions of how to be a good friend to someone on the outside?
-November
However, growing up I wanted to be a nun. Part of this was due to a childhood zest for holy things, and partly it was because I didn't want to have kids. I loved families, and I loved big families, but all the moms I knew seemed completely down-trodden and exhausted, devoid of dreams and imagination. Perhaps I misinterpreted the mothers in my life, but the idea that mothers ceased to exist as anything but caretakers rang true for me, and I did not want to be that. I wanted to be awesome--like Olympic gymnast awesome.
As I got older I realized that perhaps some moms were really doing what they liked and that it might be ok. Plus boys were suddenly really cute. In college, realizing I was probably called to marriage and not religious life, I accepted the fact that I would probably have to have kids, and probably a lot of them. And the rest of the story you mostly know. I met and fell in love with A, and we had a baby long before we were ready. I am now eight months pregnant with our second baby. It has been hard, and strangely perfect.
However, in the last few years I've realized that not everyone gets pregnant easily. I know this sounds naive to all you ladies out there struggling with infertility, but I really thought that having a hard time getting pregnant was really really rare. I knew it happened, but I didn't know anyone personally that it had happened to. When I was beginning college I found out my step-mom and dad had been trying to have a baby for quite a while, so this was my first encounter. However, they were not very open about it with me (I imagine it's not something a woman would want to discuss with her 19 year old step-daughter), and I assumed it was due to my step-mom's age (she was in her mid-thirties when they started trying). Another reason I had not encountered many with this issue is that at that age most of my friends were not married, and consequently not in the baby game.
In the last two years I have come to know two women who have struggled with fertility. First, when we moved into our house our neighbors had just adopted a little boy. Their little boy was only two weeks older than L, and I quickly started hanging out with his mom, M. She was very open about her six-year struggle to conceive before they successfully adopted. I was amazed by her openness and about the ordeal, and I asked lots of questions since she seemed so open. I was able to hear about her experience with endometriosis, struggling to conceive, learning to deal with pregnancy announcements,and finally adoption. January and I had already been friends for quite a while, but she and her husband were still avoiding pregnancy. She shared her experiences with NFP with me, and helped me find resources to use it post-partum. It was quite a bonding experience for us discussing such intimate things in our lives. She was overjoyed at the birth of our little daughter and was completely accepting of our unexpected pregnancy which was something that I really needed at that point. We often shared our struggles and joys in using NFP, and discussed life in general. She would often tell me of their discussions over when to try and have a child, and I would worry over getting pregnant again. When she told me in the fall after L was born that she and her husband I decided to stop avoiding pregnancy and start trying to conceive, I was ecstatic. I was convinced she would be pregnant within a few months and we could continue to bond over having children.
As months went by and Jan shared her disappointment at the many negative pregnancy tests and unwelcome periods, we've had to navigate how to be good friends to each other while going through different phases in life. We already worked on this while I had a baby and she did not, but it has taken on a new dimension now in her struggles to conceive.
And now to the point of this post, and our efforts to bridge the divide between the super-fertile and the sub-fertile. L is now almost two and we are having a second baby in a month, and Jan has been trying to conceive for over a year. I've gotten a glimpse into the world of infertility, with all it's crazy tests, and extreme heartache. It seems that in life there is often a divide between women with children, and women without, and it looks like dealing with infertility can make it even more pronounced. It makes sense when you think about it. I'm sure it is often heart wrenching for a lady desperately wanting to have a child to hang out with a woman who has a child (or two), and conceives easily. Plus since infertility is such a misunderstood issue, it's easy for us to say things that are quite hurtful to sufferers--from complaining about diapers to pregnancy pain, these complaints must sound petty to a woman who longs to change little diapers and experience all the ups and downs of pregnancy.
Conversely those of us with normal fertility don't always know what to say to a lady suffering with IF. Particularly for a Catholic woman blessed with loads of fertility, we are usually wondering if we'll be caring for toddlers well into our forties (I know there's nothing wrong with this, but as I've shared before, I find the idea a bit overwhelming), and trying to manage the craziness of raising babies and maintaining sanity.
So yes, all of this is against us being friends. But we need each other. One of our purposes in starting this blog together is to explore how women in different states in life can understand and support each other. We are women trying to live out faith, and our vocations well. And I hope as much as possible that we can be there for each other even across this divide. I consider it often, both with my friendship with Jan, and considering most of our readers seem to be from the infertility camp.
Here is what I've observed so far in relating to women with IF. First off, I try to listen as much as possible. And ask questions which is pretty easy since I know so little about actively trying to conceive. Listening and asking questions helps me to know what Jan is going through as much as possible. And when she shares with me, and I know I just don't get it due to lack of experience I tell her that. but at the same time, I have felt pain before, I have felt sad and rejected before, and although it's different than the particular IF cross I think that knowing how these feelings feel, gives me sympathy. As nervous as I get sometimes about my overabundance of fertility, I know it is an easier thing to deal with than IF. The pain is so intense in women who go through it. It is a truly unique kind of cross, and I can only marvel at their faith and strength. The desire to be a mother is so strong, and so admirable.
Although I can't fully understand the cross of infertility, I want to be there for Jan and others as much as I possibly can. I'm hoping that by staying involved in the trilas of each other's lives we can stay close and keep from being separated by the differences in our challenges in life.
To all you other ladies out there struggling with infertility, do you have any other suggestions of how to be a good friend to someone on the outside?
-November
Thursday, December 8, 2011
The Sister-in-Law Situation
Don’t panic,
Jan, don’t panic.
My
sister-in-law sent me a text before Thanksgiving. She asked if I could share
some NFP resources with her. As soon as I saw it, I knew what it meant. She is
going to try to have another baby.
She and her
then boyfriend, now husband, had the first and still only grandchild in Husband's
family when she was 20. It was not easy when SIL was got pregnant, for anyone
involved. She wasn’t married, and had “run off” with her boyfriend in the
middle of her senior year of high school, leaving letters saying she didn’t
want to be part of the family anymore. Husband’s family was wounded deeply, and
when she announced that she was pregnant, they all had a very difficult time
dealing with it. They have been working on healing their relationship ever
since.
Husband and
I weren’t married at the time, but I was definitely angry and jealous. Husband
and I were a foregone conclusion, and I was supposed to have the first
grandchild. I knew that my being upset was selfish—it’s not like SIL wanted to
get pregnant then either, though she never admitted it. You know, I think it
might have hurt everyone a little more that she never acknowledged that it
wasn’t part of her life plan, but maybe she’s better at rolling with the
punches than the rest of us. It’s probably going to be one of those lifetime
issues that we all carry around, people wanting apologies for something that
doesn’t really require an apology to us in the first place.
Issues aside,
we’re all in love with our nephew. He’s 4 and half years old now! I can’t even
believe it. Husband and I love when we get to spend time with him. It feels
special to get called “Aunt” and hear Husband called “Uncle,” to have a little
hand reach up to hold mine at the zoo, to watch him grow and learn. Being with
him confirms for me that I want to be a mom.
Even though
I didn’t have the first grandchild, I thought for sure I’d have the second. For
sure. SIL would say that she wasn’t sure she wanted to have another child, but
it certainly wouldn’t be until Nephew was 5. She’s been using an IUD for years.
But, here we are almost 16 months later, and after I emailed some
suggestions to SIL and offered to talk if she needed to, she wrote back and said
that she and her husband are planning to have a baby next year, but the IUD
needs to be out for 3 months before they start trying. She figures that
charting will help her avoid pregnancy until that time period is over.
Maybe I’m
being really pessimistic, but it’s practically official. I will not have the
second grandchild.
-January
Friday, October 28, 2011
The lure of ABC
A and I never looked into contraceptive methods. We are both committed Catholics and we always planned on using NFP when married. So when we didn't always listen to our consciences before we were married in the sex department, we didn't use any 'protection,' and that lack of contraception got us our gorgeous daughter, L.
While we were preparing for marriage, we tried our best to learn NFP so that we would be ready, but I was four months postpartum when we married, and let me say that NFP while breastfeeding is pretty dang confusing, especially for someone who has never used it before. It wasn't that we were not open to the idea of having another baby, more that we wanted to have at least a little bit of space between them. I have seen first-hand how tough it can be to have children very close together, and since I'm only 24 we really want to avoid parenting burnout especially this early in the game.
I charted until my cycle came back, but we didn't do much abstaining (the whole newlywed thing and all :) ). I started cycling again when L was nine months old. We felt that an 18-month gap was less then we wanted at that stage so we started using NFP to postpone another pregnancy, and man was it hard for us! I know some people take to NFP easily and find it incredibly grace-filled, but I can honestly say we have had some of our worst stress induced arguments while abstaining during my fertile periods. I'm not saying that this means it's not good, because it did genuinely help us work out some of our early marriage problems. But, our stress levels go up significantly while we are abstaining, and I'm sure we aren't the only ones who feel this. I'm sure part of the issue is that we did not practice the whole abstinence thing perfectly before marriage. We abstained for months at a time, but we did not have a chaste dating or engaged relationship. So for us learning to abstain has had to come after getting married.
We successfully used NFP to postpone pregnancy for six cycles. Somewhere in the middle of that sixth cycle we decided that a two year gap between kids was good enough for us, and baby J was conceived, and we have been frolicking freely while I'm pregnant. So, I have a pretty short experience with NFP, but let me tell you our short experience with it was, well hard. We have friends who have successfully used NFP to postpone pregnancy for years at a time, and I truly admire their dedication and self control. And the couples pictured in those darn NFP how-to manuals always look so blissfully happy! However, this type of self control with each other certainly does not come easily to A and me. I know that means we need to work on it when it is time for us to postpone pregnancy, but it often scares me to consider how many years of fertility remain to me. I'm only 24, and many of my female relatives have had children in their forties. I realize many women would love to have the 'problem' of an over-abundance of fertility, but it can feel like a different type of struggle. I have a few relatives, my maternal grandmother, and an aunt on my mother's side, who have over 10 children. And judging from the generous fertility of my mom's side of the family I know that mine will probably be similar (I'm guessing I'm quite capable of having a dozen children, finishing up in my early forties). I know I could have over ten myself if we continue to have children at this rate--and I honestly find that thought a bit terrifying.
Hence when I read Simcha Fisher's article, "The Grass is Just as Complicated on the Other Side" (http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/the-grass-is-just-as-complicated-on-the-other-side/) I really identified with the lure of contraception. I'll admit that when my fears about being able to successfully use NFP for longer periods of time and of having more children than we can reasonably care for are crowding in, using contraception sounds blissfully stress-free. In our darker times we have discussed using ABC. I often forget that contraception comes with its own set of problems and uncertainties.
Although we have discussed using some kind of ABC before, we always come back to thinking that NFP is the best choice for us both morally and physically. A, again, reminded me of our beliefs a few days ago when he told me about an ad he saw on TV for some new contraceptive pill. He told me how one of the side affects was 'death,' and how horrible he found it that we are willing to risk a woman's life to make her a non-fertile being. He told me how he found the whole idea of contraception to not just be morally wrong, but to be blatantly anti-woman. He never wants me to do something like that to my body so that we can have sex whenever we want. That's love!
Hearing his thoughts on this issue from a health perspective helped me to understand the respect using NFP brings to us for each other even though it's hard. My fertile future is scary to me, but I know I've got an amazing husband to stand with me and figure it out with. And when I read of the adverse affects of contraception physically and on relationships, abstaining doesn't sound so bad.
--November
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