This expands upon my last post a bit. Having babies really limits one's time and often the first things I cut out are self care. A and I have been talking about this. We've prioritized time with each other since the beginning (since if we are not connected life just goes to crap), but personal time to pursue our own interests and relaxation has been sorely lacking in the last few years purely due to lack of time. I got to the point where I didn't even crave personal time, and when I had it I didn't know what to do with myself. If A was out late I was restless and usually ended up doing extra chores or put in extra time at work (not healthy!). It was strange since I have always been quite introverted and before kids I loved my time alone to read, write, exercise, and create. And somehow that naturalness in free time left after we had L (even before in some ways due to the craziness of planning a wedding and having a baby at the same time).
A felt the lack of personal time we gave ourselves far more acutely and we tried to build some in for him (he often encouraged me to take some for myself, but I had a much harder time taking it). Finally this past summer I did two things to cultivate my personal time. I joined the gym and started working out, and I found an amazing yarn store and started a crocheting project.
The last six months have been a time of huge growth for us, and I know a large part of what has enabed me to grow like this is having my time to be creative, take care of myself, and just unwind by myself. Additionally prioritizing this for myself has helped me to see how much A needs it as well, and I have helped him make time to work out, play video games, play guitar, and write (his relaxing activities). We have had some amazing talks in the last several months and have been done quite a bit of spiritual searching, and the time we have taken to develop as individuals and just unwind, has played a significant role in this growth.
Most acutely I have missed knitting and crocheting. There is just something so calming for me about working with yarn. I have always made things. When I was a little kid I made a crazy amount of those friendship bracelets made with embroidery floss. I made beaded belts, sewed dolls and doll clothes, spun string, made hemp and wire jewelry, learned to throw pots, and knit and crocheted scarves, hats and even a couple of sweaters in my teens. I did projects here and there in college (mostly scarves and hats) but after graduating and finding out I was pregnant I didn't make a whole lot since we were trying to figure out things like how to make money, when to get married, and how to have a baby.
In taking up the crafts again I have been reminded why I love them so much. There is something so meditative about watching my needles create careful stitches, and to see it slowly transform into an item of beauty and use (hopefully :) ). It is similar in feeling to working out for me. I slowly fall into a zone of focus where it is just me and the stitches and I feel so alive. I love the earthy feel of my wooden knitting needles (metal is just not the same) and the different textiles I can work with be it wool, cotton, bamboo, alpaca or any number of blends. When I started knitting again in the summer I decided I was never again going to buy cheap, crappy yarn. It is just not worth putting so much time into a hand-knitted item if I am going to use horrible acrylic yarn. Plus I just prefer natural fibers (loving alpaca at the moment).
Mentally I have felt much more stable since taking time to knit, and I am actually telling A that we should knit and play video games some nights rather than avoiding time to myself. Right now I have two sweaters on my docket (one for A and one for me), and I'm hoping to start on A's this weekend.
November
Showing posts with label Baby raising. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Baby raising. Show all posts
Friday, March 8, 2013
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Once again...
We are using NFP. It's been so different this time I think because we feel much more strongly about waiting After L was born we wanted some space but we knew we wanted another baby not too far down the line. We avoided until she was 15 months old then decided to go for it on a whim and baby J was conceived (I was not cycling for nine of those months though).
But this time I do not feel that desire for a baby. I don't know if it's due to exhaustion or what, but I know that I feel no pull towards adding a third child. And it feels very un-Catholic, with my scrupulosity kicking in that is. A feels the same. I realize we have good reasons to postpone for now, but currently I want to postpone forever, and I feel bad I feel that way (oh what a tangled feeling web...).
My guess is that this wish to stop is due mostly to the craziness of the last few years. The last four years have been incredible for us, full of so much joy. But the amount of change we have gone through is insane--moves, engagement, babies, marriage, several job changes, extended family drama. I feel a bit dizzy thinking about all of the changes in our lives, especially considering that six years ago A and I had not even met, and I was just a college student living in a dorm, studying English. Just a year before that I was a community college student living in my parents' house. So I'm sure much of our apathy towards having more kids is because it has been so nice these last few months (since A got his new job) not having any major changes on the docket. We've finally had time to actually pay attention to our own health, and to bettering our relationship. We've gone on dates, started working out, done some house projects, and spent lots of time with our kids. So the idea of seeking pregnancy right now sounds absolutely terrible. I don't mean to offend anyone struggling with infertility, and of course if we somehow got pregnant now we would love the kid to death. But I am of the very firm persuasion that I can't really love someone who does not exist (once that person starts existing then I am so there).
Anyway, so this determination for some time to adjust to all the many changes in our lives has helped us practice NFP fairly well, for us anyway. We are only a few cycles in, but we made it through the completely awful post postpartum transition which is a huge victory.
But as I said above, I feel very not Catholic about it. I don't want to be open to pregnancy again, and a part of me feels that is not acceptable. The way I grew up we learned a touch of providentialism, so I struggle to realize that we are not required to have as many kids as possible. And currently I am feeling so excited to see our kids get older. I am loving seeing L as a kid rather than a baby, and getting to have conversations with her. I want to keep growing up with our kids, not get plunged back into the newborn days over and over again. A is much less scrupulous than I, and says that as long as we strive to follow Church teaching regarding NFP we can make our choices. I, on the other hand, am having a hard time shaking off the 'must have big family' mentality, plus I worry about our ability to practice NFP long term. I hope to expand on this more later, but as of now I am still a bit internet shy.
November
But this time I do not feel that desire for a baby. I don't know if it's due to exhaustion or what, but I know that I feel no pull towards adding a third child. And it feels very un-Catholic, with my scrupulosity kicking in that is. A feels the same. I realize we have good reasons to postpone for now, but currently I want to postpone forever, and I feel bad I feel that way (oh what a tangled feeling web...).
My guess is that this wish to stop is due mostly to the craziness of the last few years. The last four years have been incredible for us, full of so much joy. But the amount of change we have gone through is insane--moves, engagement, babies, marriage, several job changes, extended family drama. I feel a bit dizzy thinking about all of the changes in our lives, especially considering that six years ago A and I had not even met, and I was just a college student living in a dorm, studying English. Just a year before that I was a community college student living in my parents' house. So I'm sure much of our apathy towards having more kids is because it has been so nice these last few months (since A got his new job) not having any major changes on the docket. We've finally had time to actually pay attention to our own health, and to bettering our relationship. We've gone on dates, started working out, done some house projects, and spent lots of time with our kids. So the idea of seeking pregnancy right now sounds absolutely terrible. I don't mean to offend anyone struggling with infertility, and of course if we somehow got pregnant now we would love the kid to death. But I am of the very firm persuasion that I can't really love someone who does not exist (once that person starts existing then I am so there).
Anyway, so this determination for some time to adjust to all the many changes in our lives has helped us practice NFP fairly well, for us anyway. We are only a few cycles in, but we made it through the completely awful post postpartum transition which is a huge victory.
But as I said above, I feel very not Catholic about it. I don't want to be open to pregnancy again, and a part of me feels that is not acceptable. The way I grew up we learned a touch of providentialism, so I struggle to realize that we are not required to have as many kids as possible. And currently I am feeling so excited to see our kids get older. I am loving seeing L as a kid rather than a baby, and getting to have conversations with her. I want to keep growing up with our kids, not get plunged back into the newborn days over and over again. A is much less scrupulous than I, and says that as long as we strive to follow Church teaching regarding NFP we can make our choices. I, on the other hand, am having a hard time shaking off the 'must have big family' mentality, plus I worry about our ability to practice NFP long term. I hope to expand on this more later, but as of now I am still a bit internet shy.
November
Friday, January 4, 2013
J's First Birthday
Today is my little man's first birthday. I remember the day he was born very very well. He really surprised us coming six days early right after my husband had gone back to work after Christmas vacation. His birth was quite chaotic, but still fast and without complications. I want to share his birth story on here at some point, but I need to finish writing it first, and run it by my husband (it was an especially intense time for him due to some incompetent medical staff).
All that being said, I cannot believe that our little guy is a year old. He is such a gentle little person, happy to cuddle and play peekaboo under his blanket. I am so often amazed how much more peaceful the second-time baby parenting has been for us, partly due to J's easy-going nature (L is quite the firecracker), and partly due to our own security as parents (there is just nothing like those first few months with your first baby--a perfect juxtaposition of love, fear, inadequacy, and awe at all parents who have done this before). Parenting J has been a pretty peaceful process. We've certainly had days where parenting two children has felt overwhelming, but more due to the sheer amount of work than feeling like I don't know what I'm doing.
I love this little boy we've been given. It's crazy to think a year ago we were just meeting him.
November
All that being said, I cannot believe that our little guy is a year old. He is such a gentle little person, happy to cuddle and play peekaboo under his blanket. I am so often amazed how much more peaceful the second-time baby parenting has been for us, partly due to J's easy-going nature (L is quite the firecracker), and partly due to our own security as parents (there is just nothing like those first few months with your first baby--a perfect juxtaposition of love, fear, inadequacy, and awe at all parents who have done this before). Parenting J has been a pretty peaceful process. We've certainly had days where parenting two children has felt overwhelming, but more due to the sheer amount of work than feeling like I don't know what I'm doing.
I love this little boy we've been given. It's crazy to think a year ago we were just meeting him.
November
Friday, December 21, 2012
Heaven
OK, first off, how awesome is it that January is pregnant??!! I seriously screamed and jumped around the living room when she called to tell me (L and J looked at me like I was insane. How is it that two little people who think sticking their hands in the toilet bowl is lots of fun get to give me the the 'you are crazy' look?). Anyway, I am so so happy for Jan. Please keep little baby J in your prayers. Grow baby, grow!
Now, on the sad side of things, the shooting. I cannot fathom the pain of the families who lost children. In fact, I keep stopping myself from thinking too hard about it, because even the thought of it is too painful. When my husband got home last Friday, we had a very emotional evening with lots of kid snuggling. Seriously I have been hugging these little people so much this week. Last week I had a really rough week with the kids--napping and whining problems mostly. And I felt so silly after reading about the shooting. I mean who cares if I have to deal with a whiney little L. She is only 2 afterall (almost 3!).
We had a 'circle the wagons' weekend in order to be together as a family and truly appreciate our kids. I realize this in no way changes or makes up for the horrible horrible things that happened, but it was our way of coping.
I don't know why things like this happen. It is so contrary to any kind of goodness and love. It is times like this though that I wish my doubting faith was stronger. I want to really fully believe those kids are dancing around in Heaven. For now, I hope God pulled them right into his arms.
November
Now, on the sad side of things, the shooting. I cannot fathom the pain of the families who lost children. In fact, I keep stopping myself from thinking too hard about it, because even the thought of it is too painful. When my husband got home last Friday, we had a very emotional evening with lots of kid snuggling. Seriously I have been hugging these little people so much this week. Last week I had a really rough week with the kids--napping and whining problems mostly. And I felt so silly after reading about the shooting. I mean who cares if I have to deal with a whiney little L. She is only 2 afterall (almost 3!).
We had a 'circle the wagons' weekend in order to be together as a family and truly appreciate our kids. I realize this in no way changes or makes up for the horrible horrible things that happened, but it was our way of coping.
I don't know why things like this happen. It is so contrary to any kind of goodness and love. It is times like this though that I wish my doubting faith was stronger. I want to really fully believe those kids are dancing around in Heaven. For now, I hope God pulled them right into his arms.
November
Friday, July 27, 2012
Update!
Hello all! I haven't updated on the regular life stuff in a while so here are some snippets.
1. J is just about crawling! He does this little half scoot half crawl thing that is super cute. He's really fast though, so I am getting to experience having two mobile kids :) He is such a happy, gentle little guy.
2. L is potty trained! She is only wearing diapers for naps and nighttime, and occasionally when we go out if we won't have easy bathroom access. A and I celebrated it as a huge victory. We have successfully potty trained one whole kid! Although to be honest my strategy was plunk the little potty down in the living room, and Lu started using it. What a smartipants.
3. A is away for the weekend. He got invited to go on a bourbon tasting trip with a good friend. Initially I was horrified at the thought of him going (a weekend by myself with the kiddos!!) but after giving it some more thought I decided to tell him to go. That kind of chance doesn't come often, and we both believe firmly that we need to do the things we love in life while raising our children. So one day when he got home from work I surprised him with a tiny bottle of bourbon saying he could go on the trip. It's his birthday present. The kids and I have lots of weekend plans so that we don't get lonely. I have a coffee date this afternoon, and we have a birthday party to go to tomorrow. A gets back Sunday evening. We'll see how I survive my first weekend alone with both babies.
4. I have been mulling over my wish to get back into the technical writing field lately. I really need to start applying for jobs again. My job now works, but I would love to do something more in my field. I've also considered trying to find freelance work. Any readers do freelance stuff? I'm at a loss of how to begin such a project.
5. A and I went on a spectacular date last night. He brought me red roses when he got home so that I would have them to look at over the weekend while he's gone (sniff), then my sister watched the goobers while we went out for sushi! It had been quite a while since we've gone out and it was a much needed thing. Setting time aside like that is such a good opportunity for connection. We spent most of dinner talking about how grateful we are for each other and our babies. Ok now I have to go cry for a while in thanksgiving...
November
1. J is just about crawling! He does this little half scoot half crawl thing that is super cute. He's really fast though, so I am getting to experience having two mobile kids :) He is such a happy, gentle little guy.
2. L is potty trained! She is only wearing diapers for naps and nighttime, and occasionally when we go out if we won't have easy bathroom access. A and I celebrated it as a huge victory. We have successfully potty trained one whole kid! Although to be honest my strategy was plunk the little potty down in the living room, and Lu started using it. What a smartipants.
3. A is away for the weekend. He got invited to go on a bourbon tasting trip with a good friend. Initially I was horrified at the thought of him going (a weekend by myself with the kiddos!!) but after giving it some more thought I decided to tell him to go. That kind of chance doesn't come often, and we both believe firmly that we need to do the things we love in life while raising our children. So one day when he got home from work I surprised him with a tiny bottle of bourbon saying he could go on the trip. It's his birthday present. The kids and I have lots of weekend plans so that we don't get lonely. I have a coffee date this afternoon, and we have a birthday party to go to tomorrow. A gets back Sunday evening. We'll see how I survive my first weekend alone with both babies.
4. I have been mulling over my wish to get back into the technical writing field lately. I really need to start applying for jobs again. My job now works, but I would love to do something more in my field. I've also considered trying to find freelance work. Any readers do freelance stuff? I'm at a loss of how to begin such a project.
5. A and I went on a spectacular date last night. He brought me red roses when he got home so that I would have them to look at over the weekend while he's gone (sniff), then my sister watched the goobers while we went out for sushi! It had been quite a while since we've gone out and it was a much needed thing. Setting time aside like that is such a good opportunity for connection. We spent most of dinner talking about how grateful we are for each other and our babies. Ok now I have to go cry for a while in thanksgiving...
November
Friday, June 8, 2012
One to Two
J is five months old now. I am so amazed at how fast his babyhood is going by. He just got his first two teeth a few weeks ago which was painful for all of us. The differences between L's early months and J's are striking. They have made me realize how much A and I have grown as parents and as people in two years. As wonderful and new as L's first months were they were marked blatantly with fear: fear of parenting well, fear of doing things right, fear of messing up. And although we still get nervous and fearful occasionally, we have felt quite confident with J. We have hit our parenting groove so to speak.
That fear we felt with our first is quite small with our second. I suspect it gets smaller with each additional child a family adds. We know what we are doing and don't constantly second guess ourselves as we did the first time. I have not cracked open one baby book during pregnancy or babyhood with J. SIDS (the unrelenting fear of parenting a baby) has rarely crossed my mind.
Granted some things have been difficult like learning to parent two kids at once. Going to the grocery store by myself with the kidlets is pretty tricky, and juggling two sleep schedules can be a bit overwhelming. But that feeling of knowing what I am doing is quite exhilarating. It has allowed me to really enjoy his little baby self, and even to enjoy L more. I can focus on my kids rather than on what I am supposed to be doing.
The fear of parenthood is mostly gone. Sure I still worry about parenting teenagers occasionally, but I figure we will work it out as we go, just as we have in the last two years. I'm sure parenting curve balls will get thrown at us, but I hope we can hold onto this peacefulness that J's birth has given us.
November
That fear we felt with our first is quite small with our second. I suspect it gets smaller with each additional child a family adds. We know what we are doing and don't constantly second guess ourselves as we did the first time. I have not cracked open one baby book during pregnancy or babyhood with J. SIDS (the unrelenting fear of parenting a baby) has rarely crossed my mind.
Granted some things have been difficult like learning to parent two kids at once. Going to the grocery store by myself with the kidlets is pretty tricky, and juggling two sleep schedules can be a bit overwhelming. But that feeling of knowing what I am doing is quite exhilarating. It has allowed me to really enjoy his little baby self, and even to enjoy L more. I can focus on my kids rather than on what I am supposed to be doing.
The fear of parenthood is mostly gone. Sure I still worry about parenting teenagers occasionally, but I figure we will work it out as we go, just as we have in the last two years. I'm sure parenting curve balls will get thrown at us, but I hope we can hold onto this peacefulness that J's birth has given us.
November
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Kids Leave
Another thing that dawned on me this weekend with my parents--kids leave! Now I already knew this, but realizing that my brother, sister, and I were once my mom's little munchkins running around in diapers really made it hit home. She had days that felt lonely and crazy. She got sick of picking our playdough out of the rug, and of trying to get us to eat something vaguely considered healthy. But as we all sat around the table for Mother's Day brunch, I realized here are all three of us pretty much independent. My brother just finished his freshmen year of college, and although he is spending the summer at my parents' house, his time there in his life is probably quite limited.
I so often forget that the state of having little kids in the house is just a season in life. A season that goes by all too quickly. My mom takes such joy in holding her little grandchildren. She talks about what it was like when we were little and the joy she felt in raising us--and here we are all raised! My mom's work as a mother is in a drastically different season than mine. She has transitioned into offering advice and support rather than constant supervision and care.
Someday our kids will leave. They won't need us anymore, and in reality the whole point of raising them is so that they won't need us anymore. The goal is to help them become independent, clear-thinking people who can navigate the world mostly on their own. We hold them close so that they can be well formed and leave us. I realize that I will always talk to my kids and offer whatever motherly help I can, but there is a huge difference between offering advice and taking care of most of their physical and emotional needs.
This time we have with them when they are so small and helpless is a season. We have the honor of seeing them in their vulnerable beginning years and guiding them into adulthood. It is a season that is difficult but also hugely meaningful. It's strange to think that the time in their lives that I will remember so clearly they will remember very little of. We can only strive to imprint love on their little hearts so that they will always know how lovable and valuable they are.
-November
I so often forget that the state of having little kids in the house is just a season in life. A season that goes by all too quickly. My mom takes such joy in holding her little grandchildren. She talks about what it was like when we were little and the joy she felt in raising us--and here we are all raised! My mom's work as a mother is in a drastically different season than mine. She has transitioned into offering advice and support rather than constant supervision and care.
Someday our kids will leave. They won't need us anymore, and in reality the whole point of raising them is so that they won't need us anymore. The goal is to help them become independent, clear-thinking people who can navigate the world mostly on their own. We hold them close so that they can be well formed and leave us. I realize that I will always talk to my kids and offer whatever motherly help I can, but there is a huge difference between offering advice and taking care of most of their physical and emotional needs.
This time we have with them when they are so small and helpless is a season. We have the honor of seeing them in their vulnerable beginning years and guiding them into adulthood. It is a season that is difficult but also hugely meaningful. It's strange to think that the time in their lives that I will remember so clearly they will remember very little of. We can only strive to imprint love on their little hearts so that they will always know how lovable and valuable they are.
-November
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Cloth Diapers
I realize that diapers are not the most glorious part of parenting, but I am so proud to be successfully cloth diapering two babies! It's amazing how easy using cloth on a newborn is. I didn't start L until she was five months old, and was a little nervous about having tiny J in them. But it's been great with him! Really I would love to get L potty trained, but I've been pretty lazy in that area (a girl can only clean up so much pee in one day). I've gotta say my flip diapers are pretty awesome and really do work for multiple sizes. The kids easily share them, and all I need to do is change some snaps around for each kid. A even set up a clothes line for us so I pin my diapers up to dry feeling like a good green mama. 
-November
-November
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Siblings
I've been working on J's birth story (which I will post here at some point), and it's made me think quite a bit about siblings. It's so weird to me that my kids are each others' siblings! I have kids (plural!)! How crazy is that? Anyway, my sister has lived with us since J was born so I have gotten lots of time with one of my siblings. Also our baby brother has visited us several times in the last few months so all three of us have been together a few times since the new year. That sounds mundane and all, but I have not lived near my family in 6 years! So being with both of them at once is fairly unusual. I get along quite well with both my siblings. We tease and joke with each other, but I also know that if I ever need anything they would be right there for me. They are the first people I look to for advice (after A that is). For us growing up with divorced parents really pulled us together. We were close even when we were younger (we fought too, but isn't that just part of the closeness?), particularly during all the bouncing back and forth between my mom and dad's. We were always together. We homeschooled when we were young, so even during the day we were together.
We had our spats, and times when we really did not like each other much, but when it came to support and acceptance I knew my siblings were there for me. We often talked things over with each other before anyone else. When A and I found out we were having L I told my sister I was pregnant before the rest of my family. When I told my brother all he said was, "I love you." From a seventeen year old sheltered kid it was pretty amazing to hear that, knowing my parents'231 feelings about sex before marriage.
Having amazing sibling relationships makes me so excited to see L and J together. He's only four months old, but he already has lots of smiles for L. L has been fascinated by him since he was born. She always asks where the baby is, wants to know what he's doing, and if he is crying she immediately tells me, "Mommy, Ja (how she says his name), crying!" She will keep telling me he's crying until he stops. That little kid really keeps me on the ball! She often invites J to jump with her (she doesn't quite get the developmental stages yet). When he rolls over, she always wants to get down and roll with him. She's injured him several times, but always accidentally in her boisterous two-year-old wildness (for instance, kneeling on his hand while trying to tickle him). One of L's favorite activities of the day is changing J's diaper. Who would have thought changing a diaper could be fun?
I had no idea that they would have so much fun while J is still so young. It's a really sweet surprise. Seeing them together often makes me wonder what their relationship will be like as they get older. Will they fight all the time? Play all the time? Both? But even more, it makes me happy to know that as they grow up they will have each other. Someone to complain about their parents too, someone to share family jokes with, complain with, and get advice from. I'm sure they'll have many times in their lives where they really do not get along, but I hope that as adults they do end up appreciating each other and taking advantage of the unique bond they share.
November
We had our spats, and times when we really did not like each other much, but when it came to support and acceptance I knew my siblings were there for me. We often talked things over with each other before anyone else. When A and I found out we were having L I told my sister I was pregnant before the rest of my family. When I told my brother all he said was, "I love you." From a seventeen year old sheltered kid it was pretty amazing to hear that, knowing my parents'231 feelings about sex before marriage.
Having amazing sibling relationships makes me so excited to see L and J together. He's only four months old, but he already has lots of smiles for L. L has been fascinated by him since he was born. She always asks where the baby is, wants to know what he's doing, and if he is crying she immediately tells me, "Mommy, Ja (how she says his name), crying!" She will keep telling me he's crying until he stops. That little kid really keeps me on the ball! She often invites J to jump with her (she doesn't quite get the developmental stages yet). When he rolls over, she always wants to get down and roll with him. She's injured him several times, but always accidentally in her boisterous two-year-old wildness (for instance, kneeling on his hand while trying to tickle him). One of L's favorite activities of the day is changing J's diaper. Who would have thought changing a diaper could be fun?
I had no idea that they would have so much fun while J is still so young. It's a really sweet surprise. Seeing them together often makes me wonder what their relationship will be like as they get older. Will they fight all the time? Play all the time? Both? But even more, it makes me happy to know that as they grow up they will have each other. Someone to complain about their parents too, someone to share family jokes with, complain with, and get advice from. I'm sure they'll have many times in their lives where they really do not get along, but I hope that as adults they do end up appreciating each other and taking advantage of the unique bond they share.
November
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Why two-year-olds are inspirational
L turned two a few weeks after the baby boy was born. Around 18 months old she started throwing tantrums and, man, they have only gotten more intense. Her memory is longer so she can remember for longer why she is mad and must therefore be screaming so that we all know how dang ticked off she is.
So we have settled into the so called 'terrible twos.' We are learning to manage the whole tantrum thing. One thought that has really helped me is to remember that when L experiences loss, or some other pain or frusterating it must seem like THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN to her, since she has no perspective, little experience, and a short memory. It would be tough to have the worst experience of your life everyday (for isntance, "The dog ate my cracker!!!!").
The thing is they are kind of the awesome twos too. She also experiences THE GREATEST THING EVER on a daily basis. A couple of days ago, we were playing out in the backyard and it started to rain. I, boring adult that I am, figured it was time to go inside with my computer and two-month-old baby. But L just stood in the middle of the yard with her hands up in the air, face looking towards the sky, saying, "Rain, rain, rain!" So I took my computer inside, and went back out to look at the rain with her. Her complete delight in life inspires me to remember to appreciate the small beauties around us.
November
So we have settled into the so called 'terrible twos.' We are learning to manage the whole tantrum thing. One thought that has really helped me is to remember that when L experiences loss, or some other pain or frusterating it must seem like THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN to her, since she has no perspective, little experience, and a short memory. It would be tough to have the worst experience of your life everyday (for isntance, "The dog ate my cracker!!!!").
The thing is they are kind of the awesome twos too. She also experiences THE GREATEST THING EVER on a daily basis. A couple of days ago, we were playing out in the backyard and it started to rain. I, boring adult that I am, figured it was time to go inside with my computer and two-month-old baby. But L just stood in the middle of the yard with her hands up in the air, face looking towards the sky, saying, "Rain, rain, rain!" So I took my computer inside, and went back out to look at the rain with her. Her complete delight in life inspires me to remember to appreciate the small beauties around us.
November
Monday, February 6, 2012
February Insanity
Hello all! I have some brilliant (I hope!) posts in the works, but apparently newborns are time consuming, go figure. So I wanted to check in.
-Baby J is doing great! He was a tiny baby when he was born so it's nice to him start to fill out. We're doing pretty well in the nursing department, although I don't know that I'll ever get used to accidentally squirting the baby in the face.
-L is having somewhat of a language burst. She's always been a bit slow verbally (I think she spent the first year of her life trying to climb dangerous things), so its been fun to hear all that she has to say.
-Those prayers that I find a new job apparently were really taken seriously because I now have three jobs! All are part time and mostly from home. I don't think I can juggle all three with the kidlets, but I'm not sure which one to drop. The third one is doing a little writing for a friend's start up business website, so it will probably just be short term.
-A and I had a fantastic weekend. He made a little surprise date for me on Friday by borrowing a projector and projecting a movie for us on the basement wall. We also had a little last minute super bowl party yesterday, and I should really go and tackle the giant mount of nasty dishes sitting in our kitchen.
November
-Baby J is doing great! He was a tiny baby when he was born so it's nice to him start to fill out. We're doing pretty well in the nursing department, although I don't know that I'll ever get used to accidentally squirting the baby in the face.
-L is having somewhat of a language burst. She's always been a bit slow verbally (I think she spent the first year of her life trying to climb dangerous things), so its been fun to hear all that she has to say.
-Those prayers that I find a new job apparently were really taken seriously because I now have three jobs! All are part time and mostly from home. I don't think I can juggle all three with the kidlets, but I'm not sure which one to drop. The third one is doing a little writing for a friend's start up business website, so it will probably just be short term.
-A and I had a fantastic weekend. He made a little surprise date for me on Friday by borrowing a projector and projecting a movie for us on the basement wall. We also had a little last minute super bowl party yesterday, and I should really go and tackle the giant mount of nasty dishes sitting in our kitchen.
November
Sunday, January 22, 2012
L's Birthday
Today is my daughter's birthday. It is also the day that the decision was made to allow millions of unborn children to be killed in the womb.
My husband and I (at that time A was just my boyfriend) found out I was pregnant a few weeks after we graduated from college. I was actually pregnant when we graduated, I just didn't know it yet. We had both just moved to DC. I was a swim teacher and was starting an internship with plans to return to my home state of California for an excellent job I had secured for the beginning of the school year. A was also interning for the summer, while working at a coffee shop. He was ready to begin a masters program in DC in the Fall.
We were planning on getting married, but our breach of our own morals in the chastity department proved quite confusing in fully committing to each other. Finding out I was pregnant we put these plans on hold. Now the most important thing was figuring out what we needed to do for this baby. That summer was one of the most stressful, and also beautiful of my life. We had some very difficult conversations in the first weeks of finding out. We quickly realized that in order to figure out how to best care for our child, we needed to figure out if we wanted to be together or not. Although we both thought we wanted to be married, the pregnancy had shaken both of us. So we made a deal. If we weren't going to stay together, we would give our little baby up for adoption. We were both adamant that we wanted to make sure this baby had a responsible mother and father who loved the child and each other. At that point we weren't completely positive we could be that. After making that decision, we felt we had adequate time to discern our own relationship, and see if we could be those parents we wanted for our baby.
After those first few weeks, and dealing with the discouraging reactions from our family, the summer became a stressful and romantic time for us. We had no money, but we knew that despite everything we were still in love, still wanted to be together, and wanted to raise our child together. We learned to rely on each other completely being in a new city thousands of miles away from our families. We had our first ultrasound at 14 weeks and both cried seeing our little babe for the first time. Slowly things began to fall into place. God seemed to be watching over us as jobs came through in the nick of time. Slowly our panicked talks of adoption faded away, and we started instead planning how to take care of our little family. In September when I was almost five months pregnant, A proposed to me. We squealed and celebrated, and started planning our wedding.
L was born 8 days before her due date, on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, January 22nd. The irony was not lost on us, since in many ways we were great candidates for abortion. We weren't in the most dire of situations, but we were both fresh graduates, with lots of potential and job possibilities now burdened with the responsibility of raising a child together. We were extremely poor. But seeing our little newborn daughter together made those objections to her birth seem completely silly. We were going to figure it out!
Today L turns two, and she is a joyful, spirited little elf-girl. She is constantly amazing us with her quick mind, and nimble feet. She is constantly helping us working out our purgatory time with her tantrums and sometimes crazy sleep :) We cannot imagine our lives without her. Have our lives been harder because we had a baby long before we planned or the world says is acceptable? Probably. But our lives have also been full of learning and joy and happy tears thanks to this tiny, improbable blessing.
-November
My husband and I (at that time A was just my boyfriend) found out I was pregnant a few weeks after we graduated from college. I was actually pregnant when we graduated, I just didn't know it yet. We had both just moved to DC. I was a swim teacher and was starting an internship with plans to return to my home state of California for an excellent job I had secured for the beginning of the school year. A was also interning for the summer, while working at a coffee shop. He was ready to begin a masters program in DC in the Fall.
We were planning on getting married, but our breach of our own morals in the chastity department proved quite confusing in fully committing to each other. Finding out I was pregnant we put these plans on hold. Now the most important thing was figuring out what we needed to do for this baby. That summer was one of the most stressful, and also beautiful of my life. We had some very difficult conversations in the first weeks of finding out. We quickly realized that in order to figure out how to best care for our child, we needed to figure out if we wanted to be together or not. Although we both thought we wanted to be married, the pregnancy had shaken both of us. So we made a deal. If we weren't going to stay together, we would give our little baby up for adoption. We were both adamant that we wanted to make sure this baby had a responsible mother and father who loved the child and each other. At that point we weren't completely positive we could be that. After making that decision, we felt we had adequate time to discern our own relationship, and see if we could be those parents we wanted for our baby.
After those first few weeks, and dealing with the discouraging reactions from our family, the summer became a stressful and romantic time for us. We had no money, but we knew that despite everything we were still in love, still wanted to be together, and wanted to raise our child together. We learned to rely on each other completely being in a new city thousands of miles away from our families. We had our first ultrasound at 14 weeks and both cried seeing our little babe for the first time. Slowly things began to fall into place. God seemed to be watching over us as jobs came through in the nick of time. Slowly our panicked talks of adoption faded away, and we started instead planning how to take care of our little family. In September when I was almost five months pregnant, A proposed to me. We squealed and celebrated, and started planning our wedding.
L was born 8 days before her due date, on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, January 22nd. The irony was not lost on us, since in many ways we were great candidates for abortion. We weren't in the most dire of situations, but we were both fresh graduates, with lots of potential and job possibilities now burdened with the responsibility of raising a child together. We were extremely poor. But seeing our little newborn daughter together made those objections to her birth seem completely silly. We were going to figure it out!
Today L turns two, and she is a joyful, spirited little elf-girl. She is constantly amazing us with her quick mind, and nimble feet. She is constantly helping us working out our purgatory time with her tantrums and sometimes crazy sleep :) We cannot imagine our lives without her. Have our lives been harder because we had a baby long before we planned or the world says is acceptable? Probably. But our lives have also been full of learning and joy and happy tears thanks to this tiny, improbable blessing.
-November
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Baby J
Hello everyone! Baby J was born over a week ago, and I'm feeling pretty normal. I'm still feeling a bit hormonal, getting randomly weepy, but that's not really that unusual for me anyway :)
In some ways J's birth was very similar to L's, and in other ways quite different. They were both about 4 hours long, and were both uncomplicated. They were almost the same size, she was 6 pounds, 4 ounces, and he was 6 pounds, 5 ounces. The biggest difference was in our surroundings. I would describe L's birth as peaceful and focused, but baby J came into the world a bit more violently. This difference is mainly because L was delivered by a midwife in a birthcenter. However, due to insurance and issues we had finding a midwife this time, J was born in a hospital birth center, which despite what we thought was descent research and question asking, was extremely bureaucratic.
In discussing birth with other women, most have described it as either a completely awful painful experience, or something spiritual and peaceful. I think of birth a little differently, for both of my children I have seen their births as an athletic event. Seriously. I think it's all those years of cross country, working through intense pain up those hills prepared me for birth like nothing else. The way the pain comes in waves in running is similar to contractions for me, and the biggest effort comes at the end of a race in an intensely painful and satisfying way, just like the final pushing in birth.
Although baby J's birth was a more violent than I was expecting due to the crazy hospital rules, I felt totally and completely supported by my husband. Mainly, he spoke for me, and vied for my wishes, but he also rubbed my back and neck through every single contraction. One particularly bad point during labor I threw up, and was having the IV port put in my arm simultaneously. It was a pretty awful combination, and my husband is pretty squeamish particularly about anything to do with veins, and throwing up. Yet he held a bag for me, and kept on holding onto me. It was completely awful, but I felt extraordinarily loved by him in that moment hearing him trying to hold it together so he could be there for me.
Just like finishing my races, finally pushing my baby out was a moment of triumph for me. I felt powerful. I had endured all this crazy contraction pain, yet when it was time to push I knew exactly what I had to do.
My main sadness in the birth is that is was so stressful for A. He was worried about me, since none of the nurses listened to my wishes in the birth. Also the doctor didn't make it to the actual birth which was also extremely stressful for everyone, especially A.
However, once we saw our new little babe, we were able to let go of our frustrations with the hospital setting. He is gorgeous, and perfect. We've had a bonding week for our little family. It has been completely nuts, and we are definitely more sleep deprived than normal, but we are in love with our new little boy. Even L is quite taken with him :)
November
In some ways J's birth was very similar to L's, and in other ways quite different. They were both about 4 hours long, and were both uncomplicated. They were almost the same size, she was 6 pounds, 4 ounces, and he was 6 pounds, 5 ounces. The biggest difference was in our surroundings. I would describe L's birth as peaceful and focused, but baby J came into the world a bit more violently. This difference is mainly because L was delivered by a midwife in a birthcenter. However, due to insurance and issues we had finding a midwife this time, J was born in a hospital birth center, which despite what we thought was descent research and question asking, was extremely bureaucratic.
In discussing birth with other women, most have described it as either a completely awful painful experience, or something spiritual and peaceful. I think of birth a little differently, for both of my children I have seen their births as an athletic event. Seriously. I think it's all those years of cross country, working through intense pain up those hills prepared me for birth like nothing else. The way the pain comes in waves in running is similar to contractions for me, and the biggest effort comes at the end of a race in an intensely painful and satisfying way, just like the final pushing in birth.
Although baby J's birth was a more violent than I was expecting due to the crazy hospital rules, I felt totally and completely supported by my husband. Mainly, he spoke for me, and vied for my wishes, but he also rubbed my back and neck through every single contraction. One particularly bad point during labor I threw up, and was having the IV port put in my arm simultaneously. It was a pretty awful combination, and my husband is pretty squeamish particularly about anything to do with veins, and throwing up. Yet he held a bag for me, and kept on holding onto me. It was completely awful, but I felt extraordinarily loved by him in that moment hearing him trying to hold it together so he could be there for me.
Just like finishing my races, finally pushing my baby out was a moment of triumph for me. I felt powerful. I had endured all this crazy contraction pain, yet when it was time to push I knew exactly what I had to do.
My main sadness in the birth is that is was so stressful for A. He was worried about me, since none of the nurses listened to my wishes in the birth. Also the doctor didn't make it to the actual birth which was also extremely stressful for everyone, especially A.
However, once we saw our new little babe, we were able to let go of our frustrations with the hospital setting. He is gorgeous, and perfect. We've had a bonding week for our little family. It has been completely nuts, and we are definitely more sleep deprived than normal, but we are in love with our new little boy. Even L is quite taken with him :)
November
Monday, January 2, 2012
Happy New Year! (lots of baby talk just fyi)
I've been a bit absent lately, but I wanted to post a quick happy new year along with some of my hopes for 2012. A had last week off and he is quite distracting explaining my lack of posts :) We've also been getting as much as possible together for this new baby. I'm due January 10th (next week! AAAAAHHHHHH), but L was 8 days early shocking both of us who had been hearing the entire world tell us that first babies are always late. We are a bit more prepared for a possible early baby this time, although I really hope he waits to come at least until my sister gets here (she'll be here Wednesday). She just graduated with her Bachelors in December and will be coming to help out with the new one, then living with us for a few months while she gets on her feet post-college. I am so excited to have her with us, and for her to get to be around for baby J's coming. When L was born she was living in Europe and didn't get to meet the little girl until she was four months old. Tragedy.
The week off was fantastic. We did lots of very lazy things, naps in the afternoon, PJs until noon, snuggling with L and watching Shaun the Sheep (which she is now obsessed with, oops). I did have to do a bit of work from home too which took up a lot of my time not hanging with the family. We also did several house cleaning, and baby preparation projects and feel much more prepared.
We are very excited for 2012, and hoping for good things. Of course the new baby makes it a pretty exciting time. But A is also finishing his masters in May, I am doing well in my new job and I'm hopeful it will help make ends meet and not be too tough on me with the little ones. A has some job possibilities that I hope come to some good. I was a bit wary to make full-on resolutions this year since I don't know what this kid will be like and what I'll have time to actually accomplish. But here are my hopes/goals.
1. Run a race in the summer. I ran cross country through high school and college, but have been a bit of a couch potato the last few years. I'm hoping signing up for something gives me a good goal. I'm planning on a six to ten mile run.
2. Work on taking things in stride more. I stress way too much about everything. I really want to work on trusting more, and just being more peaceful.
3. Knit more. I love knitting, but the last few years I just have not dedicated much time to it. It's important to me because I love the results and it really helps me relax and get some creativity out.
4. Pray with A. This is something we'll do really well on for a few weeks, then slack off for a few, then try again. So we'll keep trying this year.
That's my list! I'm not going to make it longer since I know that a two year old and a new born will probably take a bit of effort this year :)
-November
The week off was fantastic. We did lots of very lazy things, naps in the afternoon, PJs until noon, snuggling with L and watching Shaun the Sheep (which she is now obsessed with, oops). I did have to do a bit of work from home too which took up a lot of my time not hanging with the family. We also did several house cleaning, and baby preparation projects and feel much more prepared.
We are very excited for 2012, and hoping for good things. Of course the new baby makes it a pretty exciting time. But A is also finishing his masters in May, I am doing well in my new job and I'm hopeful it will help make ends meet and not be too tough on me with the little ones. A has some job possibilities that I hope come to some good. I was a bit wary to make full-on resolutions this year since I don't know what this kid will be like and what I'll have time to actually accomplish. But here are my hopes/goals.
1. Run a race in the summer. I ran cross country through high school and college, but have been a bit of a couch potato the last few years. I'm hoping signing up for something gives me a good goal. I'm planning on a six to ten mile run.
2. Work on taking things in stride more. I stress way too much about everything. I really want to work on trusting more, and just being more peaceful.
3. Knit more. I love knitting, but the last few years I just have not dedicated much time to it. It's important to me because I love the results and it really helps me relax and get some creativity out.
4. Pray with A. This is something we'll do really well on for a few weeks, then slack off for a few, then try again. So we'll keep trying this year.
That's my list! I'm not going to make it longer since I know that a two year old and a new born will probably take a bit of effort this year :)
-November
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
How the last few months have really put us through the ringer
The month of December has been a rough one. Particularly these last couple of weeks. Really it was set off by me losing my job in October, but really came to a head in December. This entire month it has felt like we are hemorrhaging money. I have been a huge Grinch about Christmas I am sure, since I'm always calculating what we can spend. Lots of other things have been getting to me as well. So since I know you are interested, here are my complaints.
1. Finances/Jobs: Why are finances so dang hard? On the up side I just started a new job which I think will make things a bit more stable. But then I worry how I will handle working with a two year old and a newborn? So now I have two jobs, and two kids, and I don't know how I will do it all. I'm hoping this baby is pretty easy like L, since if we had something like colic come up it would get...interesting. A has been looking at new jobs and even had an interview a few days ago mainly because it would be so helpful if he could just make more. I know it kills him that we can't make it on his paychecks alone.
2. Kids: L has come into a new kind of phase that A keeps calling the terrible twos. I'm afraid he is correct. Mainly she is throwing lots of tantrums and has taken to demanding, well, everything. If her demands are not met then tantrum. It was still manageable until she started having sleeping issues. She has been going to bed at 7pm every night since she was 8 months old, and as often as people told me we were really lucky, I guess I forgot that it is the most awesome schedule ever. Suddenly she is resisting bed time and each night has become a struggle. I keep thinking she needs a later bed time, but she seems so grouchy and tired from 5pm on, that I have kept trying to get her to sleep earlier.
So this is where it gets interesting. Last night L completely lost it, and A put her to bed right about 7 since we agreed she must be tired from a busy day and needed to have some alone time to just go to sleep (gentle bedtimes have been rare lately). We put her to bed and could hear her yelling, "NO NO NO!!" from her bedroom, but knew she would soon tire out. I was just letting my heart rate from the day go down, when L suddenly emerges from her room, walks into the living room and begins bellowing her displeasure at being put to bed. Holy crap, she can now climb out of her crib. And open her door. And apparently she learned to do these things on the same night.
She finally went to sleep in her crib an hour later, but I felt completely defeated. She has been a pretty good sleeper for a long time, and it just felt unjust that she would suddenly start having issues right before we are having a whole new baby!! AAaHHHHHhh
3. Marriage: It's not that marriage has been that hard, it's more that everything else has been so stressful it makes us both testy, and consequently testy with each other. I know part of it is how hormonal since I'm so late in the pregnancy game, which has lead to lots of crying, and what guy isn't stressed out by his lady crying? We've had lots of purely logistical talking, and not much just chill out time talking. In the last few weeks we've watched like three of those crass comedy movies just to try and chill out together for a while (it actually works pretty well...we even finally watched The Hangover). I'm hoping that having this next week off after Christmas gives us some time to be more calm with each other.
This is my official whiney post since January told me I should whine more :) Fortunately I am writing all this right before we get our week off between Christmas and New Years, and it is going to rock!! We are going to stay up late together watching movies and eating junk food, get the baby stuff ready to go, play in the backyard, and reconnect as much as possible. We are even planning a fancy date night in the city.
-November
Monday, December 12, 2011
Bridging the Divide Between Abundant Fertility and Possible Infertility
My family is fertile. Dang fertile. Granted I have a huge extended
family, so it's possible some of my aunts struggled, but it sure doesn't
look that way. My mother has 9 living siblings (two deceased), and the
less religious of them have a couple of kids, while my very catholic
aunt and uncle have 11 children. Almost all of my married cousins have
had children quickly and easily, and a few are up to four children.
However, growing up I wanted to be a nun. Part of this was due to a childhood zest for holy things, and partly it was because I didn't want to have kids. I loved families, and I loved big families, but all the moms I knew seemed completely down-trodden and exhausted, devoid of dreams and imagination. Perhaps I misinterpreted the mothers in my life, but the idea that mothers ceased to exist as anything but caretakers rang true for me, and I did not want to be that. I wanted to be awesome--like Olympic gymnast awesome.
As I got older I realized that perhaps some moms were really doing what they liked and that it might be ok. Plus boys were suddenly really cute. In college, realizing I was probably called to marriage and not religious life, I accepted the fact that I would probably have to have kids, and probably a lot of them. And the rest of the story you mostly know. I met and fell in love with A, and we had a baby long before we were ready. I am now eight months pregnant with our second baby. It has been hard, and strangely perfect.
However, in the last few years I've realized that not everyone gets pregnant easily. I know this sounds naive to all you ladies out there struggling with infertility, but I really thought that having a hard time getting pregnant was really really rare. I knew it happened, but I didn't know anyone personally that it had happened to. When I was beginning college I found out my step-mom and dad had been trying to have a baby for quite a while, so this was my first encounter. However, they were not very open about it with me (I imagine it's not something a woman would want to discuss with her 19 year old step-daughter), and I assumed it was due to my step-mom's age (she was in her mid-thirties when they started trying). Another reason I had not encountered many with this issue is that at that age most of my friends were not married, and consequently not in the baby game.
In the last two years I have come to know two women who have struggled with fertility. First, when we moved into our house our neighbors had just adopted a little boy. Their little boy was only two weeks older than L, and I quickly started hanging out with his mom, M. She was very open about her six-year struggle to conceive before they successfully adopted. I was amazed by her openness and about the ordeal, and I asked lots of questions since she seemed so open. I was able to hear about her experience with endometriosis, struggling to conceive, learning to deal with pregnancy announcements,and finally adoption. January and I had already been friends for quite a while, but she and her husband were still avoiding pregnancy. She shared her experiences with NFP with me, and helped me find resources to use it post-partum. It was quite a bonding experience for us discussing such intimate things in our lives. She was overjoyed at the birth of our little daughter and was completely accepting of our unexpected pregnancy which was something that I really needed at that point. We often shared our struggles and joys in using NFP, and discussed life in general. She would often tell me of their discussions over when to try and have a child, and I would worry over getting pregnant again. When she told me in the fall after L was born that she and her husband I decided to stop avoiding pregnancy and start trying to conceive, I was ecstatic. I was convinced she would be pregnant within a few months and we could continue to bond over having children.
As months went by and Jan shared her disappointment at the many negative pregnancy tests and unwelcome periods, we've had to navigate how to be good friends to each other while going through different phases in life. We already worked on this while I had a baby and she did not, but it has taken on a new dimension now in her struggles to conceive.
And now to the point of this post, and our efforts to bridge the divide between the super-fertile and the sub-fertile. L is now almost two and we are having a second baby in a month, and Jan has been trying to conceive for over a year. I've gotten a glimpse into the world of infertility, with all it's crazy tests, and extreme heartache. It seems that in life there is often a divide between women with children, and women without, and it looks like dealing with infertility can make it even more pronounced. It makes sense when you think about it. I'm sure it is often heart wrenching for a lady desperately wanting to have a child to hang out with a woman who has a child (or two), and conceives easily. Plus since infertility is such a misunderstood issue, it's easy for us to say things that are quite hurtful to sufferers--from complaining about diapers to pregnancy pain, these complaints must sound petty to a woman who longs to change little diapers and experience all the ups and downs of pregnancy.
Conversely those of us with normal fertility don't always know what to say to a lady suffering with IF. Particularly for a Catholic woman blessed with loads of fertility, we are usually wondering if we'll be caring for toddlers well into our forties (I know there's nothing wrong with this, but as I've shared before, I find the idea a bit overwhelming), and trying to manage the craziness of raising babies and maintaining sanity.
So yes, all of this is against us being friends. But we need each other. One of our purposes in starting this blog together is to explore how women in different states in life can understand and support each other. We are women trying to live out faith, and our vocations well. And I hope as much as possible that we can be there for each other even across this divide. I consider it often, both with my friendship with Jan, and considering most of our readers seem to be from the infertility camp.
Here is what I've observed so far in relating to women with IF. First off, I try to listen as much as possible. And ask questions which is pretty easy since I know so little about actively trying to conceive. Listening and asking questions helps me to know what Jan is going through as much as possible. And when she shares with me, and I know I just don't get it due to lack of experience I tell her that. but at the same time, I have felt pain before, I have felt sad and rejected before, and although it's different than the particular IF cross I think that knowing how these feelings feel, gives me sympathy. As nervous as I get sometimes about my overabundance of fertility, I know it is an easier thing to deal with than IF. The pain is so intense in women who go through it. It is a truly unique kind of cross, and I can only marvel at their faith and strength. The desire to be a mother is so strong, and so admirable.
Although I can't fully understand the cross of infertility, I want to be there for Jan and others as much as I possibly can. I'm hoping that by staying involved in the trilas of each other's lives we can stay close and keep from being separated by the differences in our challenges in life.
To all you other ladies out there struggling with infertility, do you have any other suggestions of how to be a good friend to someone on the outside?
-November
However, growing up I wanted to be a nun. Part of this was due to a childhood zest for holy things, and partly it was because I didn't want to have kids. I loved families, and I loved big families, but all the moms I knew seemed completely down-trodden and exhausted, devoid of dreams and imagination. Perhaps I misinterpreted the mothers in my life, but the idea that mothers ceased to exist as anything but caretakers rang true for me, and I did not want to be that. I wanted to be awesome--like Olympic gymnast awesome.
As I got older I realized that perhaps some moms were really doing what they liked and that it might be ok. Plus boys were suddenly really cute. In college, realizing I was probably called to marriage and not religious life, I accepted the fact that I would probably have to have kids, and probably a lot of them. And the rest of the story you mostly know. I met and fell in love with A, and we had a baby long before we were ready. I am now eight months pregnant with our second baby. It has been hard, and strangely perfect.
However, in the last few years I've realized that not everyone gets pregnant easily. I know this sounds naive to all you ladies out there struggling with infertility, but I really thought that having a hard time getting pregnant was really really rare. I knew it happened, but I didn't know anyone personally that it had happened to. When I was beginning college I found out my step-mom and dad had been trying to have a baby for quite a while, so this was my first encounter. However, they were not very open about it with me (I imagine it's not something a woman would want to discuss with her 19 year old step-daughter), and I assumed it was due to my step-mom's age (she was in her mid-thirties when they started trying). Another reason I had not encountered many with this issue is that at that age most of my friends were not married, and consequently not in the baby game.
In the last two years I have come to know two women who have struggled with fertility. First, when we moved into our house our neighbors had just adopted a little boy. Their little boy was only two weeks older than L, and I quickly started hanging out with his mom, M. She was very open about her six-year struggle to conceive before they successfully adopted. I was amazed by her openness and about the ordeal, and I asked lots of questions since she seemed so open. I was able to hear about her experience with endometriosis, struggling to conceive, learning to deal with pregnancy announcements,and finally adoption. January and I had already been friends for quite a while, but she and her husband were still avoiding pregnancy. She shared her experiences with NFP with me, and helped me find resources to use it post-partum. It was quite a bonding experience for us discussing such intimate things in our lives. She was overjoyed at the birth of our little daughter and was completely accepting of our unexpected pregnancy which was something that I really needed at that point. We often shared our struggles and joys in using NFP, and discussed life in general. She would often tell me of their discussions over when to try and have a child, and I would worry over getting pregnant again. When she told me in the fall after L was born that she and her husband I decided to stop avoiding pregnancy and start trying to conceive, I was ecstatic. I was convinced she would be pregnant within a few months and we could continue to bond over having children.
As months went by and Jan shared her disappointment at the many negative pregnancy tests and unwelcome periods, we've had to navigate how to be good friends to each other while going through different phases in life. We already worked on this while I had a baby and she did not, but it has taken on a new dimension now in her struggles to conceive.
And now to the point of this post, and our efforts to bridge the divide between the super-fertile and the sub-fertile. L is now almost two and we are having a second baby in a month, and Jan has been trying to conceive for over a year. I've gotten a glimpse into the world of infertility, with all it's crazy tests, and extreme heartache. It seems that in life there is often a divide between women with children, and women without, and it looks like dealing with infertility can make it even more pronounced. It makes sense when you think about it. I'm sure it is often heart wrenching for a lady desperately wanting to have a child to hang out with a woman who has a child (or two), and conceives easily. Plus since infertility is such a misunderstood issue, it's easy for us to say things that are quite hurtful to sufferers--from complaining about diapers to pregnancy pain, these complaints must sound petty to a woman who longs to change little diapers and experience all the ups and downs of pregnancy.
Conversely those of us with normal fertility don't always know what to say to a lady suffering with IF. Particularly for a Catholic woman blessed with loads of fertility, we are usually wondering if we'll be caring for toddlers well into our forties (I know there's nothing wrong with this, but as I've shared before, I find the idea a bit overwhelming), and trying to manage the craziness of raising babies and maintaining sanity.
So yes, all of this is against us being friends. But we need each other. One of our purposes in starting this blog together is to explore how women in different states in life can understand and support each other. We are women trying to live out faith, and our vocations well. And I hope as much as possible that we can be there for each other even across this divide. I consider it often, both with my friendship with Jan, and considering most of our readers seem to be from the infertility camp.
Here is what I've observed so far in relating to women with IF. First off, I try to listen as much as possible. And ask questions which is pretty easy since I know so little about actively trying to conceive. Listening and asking questions helps me to know what Jan is going through as much as possible. And when she shares with me, and I know I just don't get it due to lack of experience I tell her that. but at the same time, I have felt pain before, I have felt sad and rejected before, and although it's different than the particular IF cross I think that knowing how these feelings feel, gives me sympathy. As nervous as I get sometimes about my overabundance of fertility, I know it is an easier thing to deal with than IF. The pain is so intense in women who go through it. It is a truly unique kind of cross, and I can only marvel at their faith and strength. The desire to be a mother is so strong, and so admirable.
Although I can't fully understand the cross of infertility, I want to be there for Jan and others as much as I possibly can. I'm hoping that by staying involved in the trilas of each other's lives we can stay close and keep from being separated by the differences in our challenges in life.
To all you other ladies out there struggling with infertility, do you have any other suggestions of how to be a good friend to someone on the outside?
-November
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Breech
I had a prenatal appointment yesterday, and something I've suspected was confirmed. Baby J is officially still upside down (or right side-up, depending on how you think of it). I can feel his little head up by my ribs, and feel his kicks on the side of my abdomin. It feels like he is laying across me. So our baby is considered breech. According to my obgyn I have three options. Schedule a csection, wait to go into labor and see if he moves, or she can try to turn him around 37 weeks (this is all assuming he doesn't turn on his own in the next couple of weeks). If the turning doesn't work then we would probably just wait for me to go into labor and see what happens.
It's a little nerve-wracking. Csections scare me. I've been around lots of natural birth stories all my life. Plus once you have a csection it sounds like a constant battle to deliver naturally again. A is completely supportive and on-board for whatever happens, although I can tell he is worried about me possibly going through surgery. Anway, if you could all say a little prayer that we can talk J into turning that would be great!
-November
It's a little nerve-wracking. Csections scare me. I've been around lots of natural birth stories all my life. Plus once you have a csection it sounds like a constant battle to deliver naturally again. A is completely supportive and on-board for whatever happens, although I can tell he is worried about me possibly going through surgery. Anway, if you could all say a little prayer that we can talk J into turning that would be great!
-November
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Conceiving through sperm donation: two reflections
January's thoughts:
Novie and I have been discussing some articles about sperm donation that have been published in recent weeks. Some say that this is a personal decision, and it’s not my business, but I fervently disagree with that. I find that I am taking this issue personally.
Every article I read points to infertility as one of the primary reasons for employing donated sperm. However, if infertility or subfertility is your reason to use a sperm donor, it really seems like you are doing a grave disservice to yourself, your children, your current or future spouse, the sperm donor—heck, the entire population of the world, according to some experts. You have worked outside God’s law and will for your life and the sperm donor's; your child or children will have a biological parent they mostly likely will never know and possibly quite a few siblings that they always have to wonder and worry about; your current spouse will know that they were not enough for you; your future spouse will know that you did not have the patience to wait for them to come into your life. Some donors are learning that they have unexpectedly high numbers of offspring, which could affect their lives in untold ways. Included among those affected, are people experiencing fertility problems.
Sperm donation and ART methods make infertile women look like baby-obsessed creatures that would do anything to experience pregnancy and have babies, including using sperm other than their spouses’ or deciding that a child’s need for a father is outweighed by a woman’s desire for a child. I do not want to be lumped into that category! I deeply desire children and the whole wonderful and terrible experience of pregnancy. Some of my darkest days have been spent thinking that this may never happen for me. I can empathize with many of the emotions that other women who are not in a position to conceive or have children for whatever reason might be feeling. I haven’t officially been investigating my fertility problems for very long, but I am strongly affected by this year plus of trying to conceive. I can understand that looking into a future of uncertainty or certainty about never being able to have a child could make anyone feel desperate.
That fear and sadness is not an excuse, however. Excuses are not acceptable when it comes to creating new life, because every excuse is a self-centered one, and creating life is meant to be a wholly self-giving experience. I can’t think of a reason to have a baby using donated sperm that isn’t selfish.
If it turns out that I am never able to get pregnant, that will be crushing. But if (in a strange alternate universe) my husband were set on having a biological child of his own and decided to bring in a surrogate to get the job done, that would be 100 times worse. It would be a clear violation of our marriage vows. The gravity of the words “in sickness and in health” certainly becomes apparent when the “sickness” may be a lifelong situation that prevents you from having biological children. But if you can’t handle that incredible challenge, then what business do you have taking the act of creating life out of God’s hands?
It has been very valuable to me to hear Jan's thoughts on using donor sperm to conceive a child because when I initially read these two articles, (http://www.ncregister.com/daily-news/anonymous-no-more-child-of-sperm-donor-speaks-out/, and http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/06/health/06donor.html?pagewanted=all) I assumed I could not understand in a sympathetic way since I have had no trouble conceiving and having children.
Novie and I have been discussing some articles about sperm donation that have been published in recent weeks. Some say that this is a personal decision, and it’s not my business, but I fervently disagree with that. I find that I am taking this issue personally.
Every article I read points to infertility as one of the primary reasons for employing donated sperm. However, if infertility or subfertility is your reason to use a sperm donor, it really seems like you are doing a grave disservice to yourself, your children, your current or future spouse, the sperm donor—heck, the entire population of the world, according to some experts. You have worked outside God’s law and will for your life and the sperm donor's; your child or children will have a biological parent they mostly likely will never know and possibly quite a few siblings that they always have to wonder and worry about; your current spouse will know that they were not enough for you; your future spouse will know that you did not have the patience to wait for them to come into your life. Some donors are learning that they have unexpectedly high numbers of offspring, which could affect their lives in untold ways. Included among those affected, are people experiencing fertility problems.
Sperm donation and ART methods make infertile women look like baby-obsessed creatures that would do anything to experience pregnancy and have babies, including using sperm other than their spouses’ or deciding that a child’s need for a father is outweighed by a woman’s desire for a child. I do not want to be lumped into that category! I deeply desire children and the whole wonderful and terrible experience of pregnancy. Some of my darkest days have been spent thinking that this may never happen for me. I can empathize with many of the emotions that other women who are not in a position to conceive or have children for whatever reason might be feeling. I haven’t officially been investigating my fertility problems for very long, but I am strongly affected by this year plus of trying to conceive. I can understand that looking into a future of uncertainty or certainty about never being able to have a child could make anyone feel desperate.
That fear and sadness is not an excuse, however. Excuses are not acceptable when it comes to creating new life, because every excuse is a self-centered one, and creating life is meant to be a wholly self-giving experience. I can’t think of a reason to have a baby using donated sperm that isn’t selfish.
If it turns out that I am never able to get pregnant, that will be crushing. But if (in a strange alternate universe) my husband were set on having a biological child of his own and decided to bring in a surrogate to get the job done, that would be 100 times worse. It would be a clear violation of our marriage vows. The gravity of the words “in sickness and in health” certainly becomes apparent when the “sickness” may be a lifelong situation that prevents you from having biological children. But if you can’t handle that incredible challenge, then what business do you have taking the act of creating life out of God’s hands?
November's thoughts:
It has been very valuable to me to hear Jan's thoughts on using donor sperm to conceive a child because when I initially read these two articles, (http://www.ncregister.com/daily-news/anonymous-no-more-child-of-sperm-donor-speaks-out/, and http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/06/health/06donor.html?pagewanted=all) I assumed I could not understand in a sympathetic way since I have had no trouble conceiving and having children.
It was incredible to realize that we actually object to this practice for very similar reasons. We both feel like it comes between the unity between husband and wife. January is probably capable of more sympathy with someone desperate to get pregnant, but we both understand how important loyalty to our spouses' is.
I realize that many people who use a sperm donor to conceive are in homosexual relationships, or single women who want a baby on their own. I don't really feel qualified to discuss these other groups so in this post I'm only thinking of a heterosexual couple who use a sperm donor to conceive. I have a very emotional response to the whole idea of using donor sperm to conceive because for me having children has been such an intimate part of my relationship with my husband. I see every part of raising children as something that we do together, from conceiving, to changing diapers, to high school choices.
I want to have my husband's children, no one else's. Having another man's child feels like disloyalty to my husband. If we can't have any more children, we just won't have any more. We have agreed to carry on our genes only with each other.
As L gets older, it becomes more profound to me that she looks like us. It's shocking and exhilarating to realize that she truly has part of me and part of my husband. It is crazy to think that she grew from pieces of both of us inside me. Her very genetics pull us closer together.
However, adoption is in an entirely different category from sperm donation babies. I feel that adoption does preserve this unity between man and wife, because together they agree to raise a child that is not biologically theirs. They go through the adoption process together, and through each stage of child-hood together. This is another kind of unity that is created through adoption between husband and wife. I'm sure there are a whole new host of trials ready for those who choose to adopt, from dealing with strangers questions, to coping with past treatment that the couple had no part in.
This togetherness that biological conception and adoption bring into a marriage is intrinisc to how we bring children into the world.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Parenting and maintaining a spiritual life
We missed Mass on Sunday. It got me thinking about some of the difficulties of being a parent particularly in the spiritual realm. Quiet prayer time (or any quiet time!) is dang hard to come by with a busy toddler and a host of other responsibilities. Even Mass is often a distracted family effort, trying to keep L from throwing missalettes at the people around us. We sometimes end up outside the church entirely when even the crying room can’t contain our little wild one. I very firmly believe in going to church together as a family, so going to separate Masses is out for us. But taking L to Mass means that the one for sure bit of time set aside for our spiritual lives each week is less than reflective.
We didn’t go to Mass this last Sunday. L and I both had yucky colds, but we probably could have made it. The truth is we are both pretty tired of making it through Mass with our very active 21 month old, and the idea of getting to Mass, stressing until we had to take her out, then stressing that we were being too loud for the foyer just sounded like too much to handle spiritually. In many ways, Mass has become something we just make it through lately. The church closest to us doesn’t have a crying room which adds additional obstacles. We usually go to a church farther from us with a fantastic crying room but they only have morning masses and L’s cold was especially bad in the morning. Still, I’m sure we could have made it to Mass if we had really tried. But Mass has just felt exhausting. I honestly felt like it was going to be a problem spiritually for us to go this time. It’s strange, because we so rarely miss Mass. I feel a little bad about it, mainly because I have a feeling we are going to have little kids around for a while and should learn how to make it through.
Our missing Mass illustrates very well the challenges we’ve experienced in maintaining our faith along with child raising. I will admit I often feel discouraged about how we will ever become more faithful people when Mass has become something chaotic and stressful. I’m sure we will learn better ways to cope as we continue raising children, and I realize that lots of people out there wish they could wrangle a kid during Mass. But this is my challenge right now. And I feel like it was something no one ever warned me about. I suppose it should be obvious considering how many times I’ve seen parents in back with their kids, but like many things in life it doesn’t seem real until you are in the situation.
However, when it comes to the day to day, I often find myself feeling faith in the mundane. There is nothing like L’s smile to help me believe in God. She is so innocent and beautiful that her very existence points to something divine. I will find myself feeling philosophical and, consequently, faith-filled while interacting with her. But my belief and my prayer life look very different now than they did before she was born. Before babies, I can't say I had an awesome prayer life, but I was frequently in the adoration chapel, and I said prayers every night. I sought comfort and guidance in prayer. When I think of what I am meant to do in life, I know that I am primarily responsible to A, to L, and also now to unborn-baby J. It’s strange to have such a sense of purpose in life, but also very good. I am also struck frequently by the profound in dull moments. Emptying the dish washer and watching L ‘help’ is a moment of wonder that this little person wants to be with me, and participate in my day.
My quiet moments are few and far between, and I will admit I have little semblance of a prayer life these days. But I feel like I am living a much better life than I was in my single college days. I wasn’t particularly bad in college, just selfish like most young people. Now every day, whether I like it or not, I am not just living for myself. My prayer life may be awful, and I may occasionally miss Mass out of sheer exhaustion, but I can only pray that God can use my daily efforts at caring for my husband and children and make me better through them.
--November
We didn’t go to Mass this last Sunday. L and I both had yucky colds, but we probably could have made it. The truth is we are both pretty tired of making it through Mass with our very active 21 month old, and the idea of getting to Mass, stressing until we had to take her out, then stressing that we were being too loud for the foyer just sounded like too much to handle spiritually. In many ways, Mass has become something we just make it through lately. The church closest to us doesn’t have a crying room which adds additional obstacles. We usually go to a church farther from us with a fantastic crying room but they only have morning masses and L’s cold was especially bad in the morning. Still, I’m sure we could have made it to Mass if we had really tried. But Mass has just felt exhausting. I honestly felt like it was going to be a problem spiritually for us to go this time. It’s strange, because we so rarely miss Mass. I feel a little bad about it, mainly because I have a feeling we are going to have little kids around for a while and should learn how to make it through.
Our missing Mass illustrates very well the challenges we’ve experienced in maintaining our faith along with child raising. I will admit I often feel discouraged about how we will ever become more faithful people when Mass has become something chaotic and stressful. I’m sure we will learn better ways to cope as we continue raising children, and I realize that lots of people out there wish they could wrangle a kid during Mass. But this is my challenge right now. And I feel like it was something no one ever warned me about. I suppose it should be obvious considering how many times I’ve seen parents in back with their kids, but like many things in life it doesn’t seem real until you are in the situation.
However, when it comes to the day to day, I often find myself feeling faith in the mundane. There is nothing like L’s smile to help me believe in God. She is so innocent and beautiful that her very existence points to something divine. I will find myself feeling philosophical and, consequently, faith-filled while interacting with her. But my belief and my prayer life look very different now than they did before she was born. Before babies, I can't say I had an awesome prayer life, but I was frequently in the adoration chapel, and I said prayers every night. I sought comfort and guidance in prayer. When I think of what I am meant to do in life, I know that I am primarily responsible to A, to L, and also now to unborn-baby J. It’s strange to have such a sense of purpose in life, but also very good. I am also struck frequently by the profound in dull moments. Emptying the dish washer and watching L ‘help’ is a moment of wonder that this little person wants to be with me, and participate in my day.
My quiet moments are few and far between, and I will admit I have little semblance of a prayer life these days. But I feel like I am living a much better life than I was in my single college days. I wasn’t particularly bad in college, just selfish like most young people. Now every day, whether I like it or not, I am not just living for myself. My prayer life may be awful, and I may occasionally miss Mass out of sheer exhaustion, but I can only pray that God can use my daily efforts at caring for my husband and children and make me better through them.
--November
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)