Why I didn't knit or crochet for three years

This expands upon my last post a bit. Having babies really limits one's time and often the first things I cut out are self care. A and I have been talking about this. We've prioritized time with each other since the beginning (since if we are not connected life just goes to crap), but personal time to pursue our own interests and relaxation has been sorely lacking in the last few years purely due to lack of time. I got to the point where I didn't even crave personal time, and when I had it I didn't know what to do with myself. If A was out late I was restless and usually ended up doing extra chores or put in extra time at work (not healthy!). It was strange since I have always been quite introverted and before kids I loved my time alone to read, write, exercise, and create. And somehow that naturalness in free time left after we had L (even before in some ways due to the craziness of planning a wedding and having a baby at the same time).

A felt the lack of personal time we gave ourselves far more acutely and we tried to build some in for him (he often encouraged me to take some for myself, but I had a much harder time taking it). Finally this past summer I did two things to cultivate my personal time. I joined the gym and started working out, and I found an amazing yarn store and started a crocheting project.

The last six months have been a time of huge growth for us, and I know a large part of what has enabed me to grow like this is having my time to be creative, take care of myself, and just unwind by myself. Additionally prioritizing this for myself has helped me to see how much A needs it as well, and I have helped him make time to work out, play video games, play guitar, and write (his relaxing activities). We have had some amazing talks in the last several months and have been done quite a bit of spiritual searching, and the time we have taken to develop as individuals and just unwind, has played a significant role in this growth.

Most acutely I have missed knitting and crocheting. There is just something so calming for me about working with yarn. I have always made things. When I was a little kid I made a crazy amount of those friendship bracelets made with embroidery floss. I made beaded belts, sewed dolls and doll clothes, spun string, made hemp and wire jewelry, learned to throw pots, and knit and crocheted scarves, hats and even a couple of sweaters in my teens. I did projects here and there in college (mostly scarves and hats) but after graduating and finding out I was pregnant I didn't make a whole lot since we were trying to figure out things like how to make money, when to get married, and how to have a baby.

In taking up the crafts again I have been reminded why I love them so much. There is something so meditative about watching my needles create careful stitches, and to see it slowly transform into an item of beauty and use (hopefully :) ). It is similar in feeling to working out for me. I slowly fall into a zone of focus where it is just me and the stitches and I feel so alive. I love the earthy feel of my wooden knitting needles (metal is just not the same) and the different textiles I can work with be it wool, cotton, bamboo, alpaca or any number of blends. When I started knitting again in the summer I decided I was never again going to buy cheap, crappy yarn. It is just not worth putting so much time into a hand-knitted item if I am going to use horrible acrylic yarn. Plus I just prefer natural fibers (loving alpaca at the moment).

Mentally I have felt much more stable since taking time to knit, and I am actually telling A that we should knit and play video games some nights rather than avoiding time to myself. Right now I have two sweaters on my docket (one for A and one for me), and I'm hoping to start on A's this weekend.

November

Once again...

We are using NFP. It's been so different this time I think because we feel much more strongly about waiting After L was born we wanted some space but we knew we wanted another baby not too far down the line. We avoided until she was 15 months old then decided to go for it on a whim and baby J was conceived (I was not cycling for nine of those months though).

But this time I do not feel that desire for a baby. I don't know if it's due to exhaustion or what, but I know that I feel no pull towards adding a third child. And it feels very un-Catholic, with my scrupulosity kicking in that is. A feels the same. I realize we have good reasons to postpone for now, but currently I want to postpone forever, and I feel bad I feel that way (oh what a tangled feeling web...).

My guess is that this wish to stop is due mostly to the craziness of the last few years. The last four years have been incredible for us, full of so much joy. But the amount of change we have gone through is insane--moves, engagement, babies, marriage, several job changes, extended family drama. I feel a bit dizzy thinking about all of the changes in our lives, especially considering that six years ago A and I had not even met, and I was just a college student living in a dorm, studying English. Just a year before that I was a community college student living in my parents' house. So I'm sure much of our apathy towards having more kids is because it has been so nice these last few months (since A got his new job) not having any major changes on the docket. We've finally had time to actually pay attention to our own health, and to bettering our relationship. We've gone on dates, started working out, done some house projects, and spent lots of time with our kids. So the idea of seeking pregnancy right now sounds absolutely terrible. I don't mean to offend anyone struggling with infertility, and of course if we somehow got pregnant now we would love the kid to death. But I am of the very firm persuasion that I can't really love someone who does not exist (once that person starts existing then I am so there).

Anyway, so this determination for some time to adjust to all the many changes in our lives has helped us practice NFP fairly well, for us anyway. We are only a few cycles in, but we made it through the completely awful post postpartum transition which is a huge victory.

But as I said above, I feel very not Catholic about it. I don't want to be open to pregnancy again, and a part of me feels that is not acceptable. The way I grew up we learned a touch of providentialism, so I struggle to realize that we are not required to have as many kids as possible. And currently I am feeling so excited to see our kids get older. I am loving seeing L as a kid rather than a baby, and getting to have conversations with her. I want to keep growing up with our kids, not get plunged back into the newborn days over and over again. A is much less scrupulous than I, and says that as long as we strive to follow Church teaching regarding NFP we can make our choices. I, on the other hand, am having a hard time shaking off the 'must have big family' mentality, plus I worry about our ability to practice NFP long term. I hope to expand on this more later, but as of now I am still a bit internet shy.

November

Mercy to my past self

Rebecca's recent post (http://theroadhomewv.blogspot.com/2013/01/living-regret.html) reminded me of something my sister and I often talk about: the idea of being merciful to your past self.  Basically whenever we talk about decisions in our lives that in retrospect we may want to change or at least reconsider we always say that we have to remember that we did the best we could with what we had a the time.  So since there is no way I could have known then what I know now, it's unfair to hold my past self to my present standard.  Even with decisions I know were the wrong decisions, I understand why I made the decision at the time.

For instance, I know it would have been better had A and I remained chaste before we got married, but I know why we made the decisions we did.  We were crazy in love, and although I know we didn't make the best choices, we are human.  As A says when we talk about our love story, "We have a rich history together." Exactly.  It's hard to wish we had made different decisions because the most important decision was to get married.  Plus if we had made better decisions we would not have L, and that is a terrible thought.  For me this is a huge example in my life of how good can come out of bad.

Another example is our university of choice.  A and I both went to a private Catholic college.  Occasionally when I look at our giant student loan debt I feel a twinge of regret that I didn't go for a cheaper option, maybe a state school while living at home.  Although I did do some time at community college before transferring (which saved me bucket-loads of money by the way), I'm sure I could have figured out a way to get my bachelors with less debt...but at the time I made the best choice I could.  I have a feeling if I would have gone to a state school I would have lost my faith too, or at least stopped practicing it very well.  And finally, if I had made the more practical choice I probably would not have met A, and well, I am very very glad I met him.

Learning to accept my past self and forgive my mistakes (or inability to know the future, what can I say, I'm a perfectionist) has become easier as I've learned to be less harsh on everyone.  And not surprisingly learning to be kind to my past self has helped me learn to be kind to my present self too.

November

Sometimes it just isn't in the books

I've learned a lot about marriage in the past couple of years. And not surprisingly I've learned the most from living in my marriage each day. This may seem obvious, but sometimes with all the relationship advice and opinions out there one would think that marriage is only possible through extensive research.

Here's the thing, marriage is super personal. Obvious right? But so often we talk about marriage in broad, overall type words, and it just doesn't work that way. Are there elements that are common to the vast majority of married relationships? Yes. But as far as advising someone else in their marriage, well, now that is a tall order. As far as I can see, most marriage manuals don't have anything revolutionary to offer. I'm sure particular ones help particular relationships more than others, but there is just no way a book can cover so many combinations of personalities that happen in marriage There are some basic principles that simply make for good relationships--honesty, dedication, tenderness, faith, and lots and lots of communication, but everything else seems to be personal preference and just a matter of learning how to mesh two people together peacefully.

I'm not saying reading about marriage isn't helpful, it can be very helpful in pinpointing problems and problem solving. It has just been on my mind how no one can really know the deep intricacies present in my marriage. Honestly, I would go with talking to a good friend over reading a book about marriage any day. With a close friend I have the advantage of that knowledge of personality and uniqueness that books just can't do. For instance, if I talk to January about some issue A and I are having she already knows the basic details of our lives, and knows our personalities, histories, and many of our struggles too.

But even then, only A and I truly know the depth and complexities of our own relationship (and we often discover things, hurts or joys, that we didn't even know existed!). It is only by bumbling along together each and everyday that we oh so slowly learn how to love each other better. The last few months have been a time of intense growth and closeness for us, and it has been incredibly difficult and joyful at the same time. Then at the beginning of this week we got into a horrible and hurtful fight. It was confusing because we have been doing all this growing, and both of us were worrying that we were losing that with this fight (I realize I am not being very forthcoming here, but the fight is just not something I'm willing to share with the internet :) ). And I realized post-fight that there was no way I would be able to really convey to someone else why this fight was such a rough thing. It was due to our histories, both together and apart, and it showcased each of our greatest weaknesses. And it was humbling to know that after all this time we could still be such crappy people together. We've worked so hard to become good people together and it's tough to see that that can just fall away in an instant.

We have had some very good conversations since the fight, and have realized that falling does not negate the growth of the past several months, but is more of a reminder that we are still just weak people who fail sometimes. Nothing in a marriage manuel prepares you for things like that. You just have to figure it out with the other person. And talk and talk and talk until you at least kind of understand each other.

November

She's been like that ever since the Fire Swamp

Where to begin?

I have a dreadful cold. It's in my nose, my sinuses, my ears, my throat, my chest. Dreadful. I caught this cold somewhere, somehow during the last week, which involved air travel, two days in Dis.ney.Wo.rld, two hotels, and a conference filled with thousands of people. It was like the perfect storm of cold-catching.

Perhaps this cold is part of why I'm in this mood. Things should be seeming fairly rosy this week. I'm quite busy at work, which I like; Thanksgiving - the most pie-centric holiday of the year - is this week, and I'm baking at least three pies for the occasion; I just came across The Princess Bride while channel surfing (score!).

But as Westley just said, "We are men of action; lies do not become us." And I feel like I'd be lying to myself if I said I were happy right now.

I had a talk with my mom today. Mostly, I was venting about stuff. The summary of my vent follows:

I want to move forward with learning about adoption. Husband does not.
I am prepared to make sacrifices to meet our financial goals. Husband lives as if he is not.
I want our marriage to involve more time together and for us to have more equal roles. After more than four years, Husband continues to be incapable of doing this. (When we have serious conversations about this, he's all "I swear it shall be done," but we all know how that turns out).

I don't like to complain about my marriage on here. I love Husband so, so much, and I often remind him that if I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't care about how much he was away from me. My mom suggested something that my sister and Novie have both suggested to me before, but that I've never done. Going to a counselor. Husband would not go with me, I've asked him in the past, and I feel like there's no point in talking to someone about my marriage without my partner in marriage. I can be quite objective about things at times, and sometimes when we have our serious talks, I take up two roles: counselor and wife. It can be confusing. And this isn't to say that Husband doesn't try very hard sometimes. He's traveling again and just sent me a big kiss via text. It makes me feel like an ungrateful witch.

But I'm just not happy and I don't know how to fix it. I'd love any thoughts you have. Or chocolate-covered miracle pills. One of those would be good, too.

-January

Spaghetti vs. Waffles

I was blessed this morning with proof that I'm not intentionally trying to sabatoge my marriage or my happiness by dwelling on everything that isn't going our way. Turns out it's CD1! I've not had a period since August due to my surgeries, and no one was really sure when they'd start again. I shouldn't have been surprised in the bathroom this morning, but I was. I actually exclaimed aloud! Haha. Good thing Husband is traveling, or he might have been worried about me.

Now, you may be wondering what the title of this post is all about. Two delicious forms of carbohydrates, perhaps? It does so happen that the first is one of my favorite foods and the second is one of Husband's favorite foods. But, grasshoppers, that is not why they are the words duking it out up above.

I spoke to November yesterday, and she diagnosed me and Husband with acute cases of spaghetti brain (for me) and waffle brain (for him). Ah! Finally, a diagnosis for something that's wrong with us!

But seriously. Apparently it's really common for men to compartmentalize their thinking and their lives. Husband and I already know that he does that and that it can be an issue for us. This is, in some circles, like ours from now on, also known as "waffle brain." You know, cuz waffles have all those little compartments? Yeah, I know you know. Ok, moving on.

If waffles = compartmentalized thinking, then spaghetti = intertwined thinking. With women, the not-uncommon conditition of spaghetti brain can result in seeing connections between everything. Maybe even when the only connection is that your thoughts are all in the same pasta bowl, perhaps?

I can see where problems can arise when a spaghetti brain like me, who sees connections between nearly everything big in our lives, is trying to address issues with a waffle brain like Husband. I'm going to have to work on not getting upset with Husband for not seeing and caring about everything at once, and Husband is going to have work on not getting upset with me for thinking and caring about more than one thing at a time. I think that it's fair to have expectations of your spouse. How else are we to become better people?

But in the end, I cannot become a waffle brain, and Husband will never be a spaghetti brain. But I think we have to try to meet in the middle. I'm not sure what kind of delightful food we can call that state of mind. Anyone care to offer suggestions?

-January

The Transition

Transitions are tough, even good ones. In fact, now that I'm thinking about it, transition is always the hardest part. It's the worst part of giving birth, moving is nice and all, but the transition part sucks, and apparently that is also true with jobs. A started his new job last week and the job is great but the transition a bit difficult.

I was telling him a few nights ago that I think what has made it hard for me is that we can't really talk during the day. At his last job, he was usually on gchat and I could always call him. This job is quite a bit more intense and he doesn't have an actual office yet so no phone calls and not chatting. So now I am feeling like a big teenager since we can't talk all day long. I realize that's not really a normal state of being but I sure did enjoy it!

The good part is that I have been getting a lot more done during the day without my husbandly distraction :) Anyway, at his old job we usually took care of business type stuff during the day--financial stuff, scheduling for the week, or social commitments. Now we have to do all that stuff when he gets home and for the first week or so I had a tough time going from taking care of business mode to relax and reconnect mode when he gets home. Also, I've been extra needy due to the decreased communication during the day which just sends us into a bad place with lots of miscommunications.

There are way more positives than negatives to this job though. A huge one is that he gets home for dinner. We love all having dinner together. We have both been getting up much earlier and accomplishing quite a bit more during the day as well. Plus it is just a better job, more suited to his skill-set. The first week was tough, the second week was easier, and I think this week will be much easier.

Plus this last weekend was truly excellent. Lots of good relaxing with the husband and the kiddos. I feel fortified for the week emotionally. We even made a five year plan! Who knows if we'll stick to it, but it feels good to be able to plan ahead and not just worry about making it through the month in the finances department.

November

P.S. Can I say how relieved I am that Jan is recovering well and declared healthy!! Thank you for all of the prayers for her.

January + Husband = True Love

I just want to do a tiny bit of gushing over our anniversary today. Four years! Yay!

You may remember that I met Husband when we were in the second grade. When the other kids sang that song about "sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g," despite my total seven-year-old mortification, I also remember thinking that if only I could be so lucky as to marry this little boy. Yeah, seven-year-olds don't think like that, so I am quite positive that was God planting the seed of love for him in my heart. :D

I am so, so happy to be on this adventure we call life with my true love!

-January

Update!

Hello all! I haven't updated on the regular life stuff in a while so here are some snippets.

1. J is just about crawling! He does this little half scoot half crawl thing that is super cute. He's really fast though, so I am getting to experience having two mobile kids :) He is such a happy, gentle little guy.

2. L is potty trained! She is only wearing diapers for naps and nighttime, and occasionally when we go out if we won't have easy bathroom access. A and I celebrated it as a huge victory. We have successfully potty trained one whole kid! Although to be honest my strategy was plunk the little potty down in the living room, and Lu started using it. What a smartipants.

3. A is away for the weekend. He got invited to go on a bourbon tasting trip with a good friend. Initially I was horrified at the thought of him going (a weekend by myself with the kiddos!!) but after giving it some more thought I decided to tell him to go. That kind of chance doesn't come often, and we both believe firmly that we need to do the things we love in life while raising our children. So one day when he got home from work I surprised him with a tiny bottle of bourbon saying he could go on the trip. It's his birthday present. The kids and I have lots of weekend plans so that we don't get lonely. I have a coffee date this afternoon, and we have a birthday party to go to tomorrow. A gets back Sunday evening. We'll see how I survive my first weekend alone with both babies.

4. I have been mulling over my wish to get back into the technical writing field lately. I really need to start applying for jobs again. My job now works, but I would love to do something more in my field. I've also considered trying to find freelance work. Any readers do freelance stuff? I'm at a loss of how to begin such a project.

5. A and I went on a spectacular date last night. He brought me red roses when he got home so that I would have them to look at over the weekend while he's gone (sniff), then my sister watched the goobers while we went out for sushi! It had been quite a while since we've gone out and it was a much needed thing. Setting time aside like that is such a good opportunity for connection. We spent most of dinner talking about how grateful we are for each other and our babies. Ok now I have to go cry for a while in thanksgiving...

November

Modesty and Marriage

Ok back to my thoughts on modesty. When I last wrote about it, I was just talking about how dating A helped me to appreciate my body more and its womanly beauty. His encouragement and affirmation really helped me to strive to be beautiful and to see that as a good thing. I will admit I often tried to look sexy to him, because well, I loved him and was crazily attracted to him. But in the past I would have seen this as something evil.  His love for me helped me to know that I am a sexual being and that trying to completely hide that was stifling.

Although my upbringing was not nearly as strict as the Duggars, the way things are frased and framed is rather familiar. However, this type of a world view was not conducive to married love, as I began to suspect while dating. Love in marriage requires total openness and vulnerability, something that is quite difficult to accept after being totally closed my whole life. Also, this type of modesty fostered in me an extreme consciousness of my body and how I was covered. This extreme awareness also makes openness in marriage difficult. I'm not saying we should walk around naked all the time, just that feeling comfortable in my own skin requires me to be comfortable with the fact that that skin exists. The jerky transition of  living by intense modesty in my daily life, to getting naked with my husband just does not work. If I've been wearing things that make me feel unattractive, I struggle to feel attractive for my husband.  If I put on something that I feel pretty in I have a much easier time feeling confident in life.

Being married has made the modesty debacle much simpler for me. I know that when I dress attractively it is for my own sake, and for A's. I don't constantly question my motives anymore. Sometimes I show a bit of cleavage, and I will be honest that I enjoy doing so. It makes me feel pretty, and A certainly appreciates it. Now, if I wonder if something is too revealing I ask A for his opinion, since I figure if he is comfortable with the general public seeing me in it then I'm good to go.

I realize that modesty has been beneficial for some, but for me discarding my rules about modesty has been incredibly freeing particularly in my marriage.

November

2nd Anniversary

It's A.'s and my second anniversary. I can't believe that two years ago today I was getting ready to marry him. What a joyful day that was! It has honestly been the best two years of my life. I had no idea that I would find love like this in life, and I feel so blessed by our marriage.

-November

Love and Marriage and Divine Mercy

My best friend from college got married this past weekend. It was a lovely wedding, with a beautiful bride, proud groom, and many happy guests. It was not a religious ceremony, and some of the elements were a bit, um, unusual to me, but I'm glad that these two crazy kids are finally married.

Husband and I really enjoyed ourselves during the weekend. We road-tripped up and back (I'd consider a road trip in this case to be driving a distance that many people would normally fly), which is one of my favorite couple activities for us. Someday, I want to drive across the country together, and take different routes heading in each direction to see as much as possible. A good car adventure with my honey really makes me happy.

Today happens to be the anniversary of our first date. And not just any anniversary - the tenth anniversary! He had to leave this morning to travel for work, and then I'll be leaving this weekend before he gets back to travel for my own job, but I can't help feeling romantic about this. If he hadn't called me up and asked me out for ice cream (as directed by a mutual friend) back during that senior year of high school, we might not be here together today. I cannot explain how glad I am that we're together, no matter what. It is such an incredible blessing.

One little note about being IF - because what post from me is complete without one? - the bridesmaid who I was worried would be announcing her pregnancy at the bachelorette party is in fact now pregnant. 12 weeks! She must have found out right after the bachelorette party. I spent Friday being upset about it, but when I woke up on Saturday, I felt moved to pray about it. I prayed the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, which I really haven't been exposed to much. Saying those words over and over, "for the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world," was so cleansing. All of the ugly feelings of jealousy I had were washed away as I prayed. I know I don't want this other girl's baby, and I hated that I was so upset by it. I felt like I needed to ask God for His mercy, and praying the chaplet, I felt that I was truly receiving it. And the final prayer:

Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible,
look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us,
that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent,
but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will,
which is Love and Mercy itself.

How have I been making it through without praying this every day? Let me not despair or become despondent, Lord! Let me confidently submit myself to Your holy will! Amen, amen, amen.

I stood up after that prayer and felt completely renewed by the God's mercy. During the reception that evening, I sincerely congratulated the expectant parents and felt only joy in my heart for them. That right there was a miracle for me.

-January

I can't figure out what to name this post

I'm on my second month of tamoxifen, and let me tell you, this time I'm getting all sorts of side effects. Hot flashes, slight nausea, mood swings. Ugh. I thought I was going to fall over in the library this afternoon as I was looking for books on, surprise surprise, IF. I selected the one that wasn't exclusively about IVF and IUI. I want to learn more about what could be going on here, as well as help Husband wrap his mind around the apparent need for intervention. He's still not thrilled about me getting surgery (not that I am either!) but I hope that learning a little bit more about all the things that might be going on will give him some confidence that investigating is the right thing to do. Frankly, I am starting to get cold feet myself--part of me doesn't want to find out what's wrong. What if it's so bad that nothing can be done? What if they don't find anything and this all remains unexplained? I told Husband the other day that, if there were a way to know it, I would absolutely want to know if we will have children or not. Then we could deal and move on. But finding out what's wrong with me...that's scaring me more than I thought it would.

This weekend, Husband and I met up with a priest we are friendly with after Sunday Mass, to talk about the state of our relationship. Don't worry, we're still each other's true love! The issue is basically that Husband is a workaholic, always has been, and over three years of being married to a workaholic are not easy. We talk about it a lot, but I knew that it would be especially helpful for him to hear some priestly wisdom on the subject. Of course, it took a year to convince Husband to talk to the priest, but I think he felt pretty good afterwards. Husband has been trying to come home earlier. Granted, it's not early, but seeing him before I fall asleep is always a good thing. Getting to eat dinner together, even when it's at 9pm, is like winning the lottery! I hope he's able to keep this up. We've gotten to this point before, but then there's always some work emergency that consumes him for weeks, and he falls out of the habit of coming home. Prayers for him would be most appreciated!

Oh sheesh, I just checked my work email. Should. Not. Have. Done. That. My favorite presidente has emailed more negative stuff. It's like every day, I fight just to get a lot accomplished, and then we have a meeting or get an email saying how horrible a job we're doing. Gahhh! It takes any joy out of this work. I wish he'd just fire me or lay me off. Then it would be over with. Husband would flip if I quit. He'd flip if I got fired, but then his anger would be directed somewhere not at me. We could make do on Husband's income, though I'm not sure how soon I could get onto his health insurance. It wouldn't be pretty, but we could deal.

I really am planning to post on something more substantive soon, I promise. Husband and I talk about life issues, politics, religion, etc. so much, and I have all sorts of inspiration. It's just that every time I sit down to write, I blurt out my feelings instead of anything remotely intellectual. But...[Princess Bride alert] I swear, it shall be done! And not in that lying six-fingered man sort of way.

-January

L's Birthday

Today is my daughter's birthday. It is also the day that the decision was made to allow millions of unborn children to be killed in the womb.

My husband and I (at that time A was just my boyfriend) found out I was pregnant a few weeks after we graduated from college. I was actually pregnant when we graduated, I just didn't know it yet. We had both just moved to DC. I was a swim teacher and was starting an internship with plans to return to my home state of California for an excellent job I had secured for the beginning of the school year. A was also interning for the summer, while working at a coffee shop. He was ready to begin a masters program in DC in the Fall.

We were planning on getting married, but our breach of our own morals in the chastity department proved quite confusing in fully committing to each other. Finding out I was pregnant we put these plans on hold. Now the most important thing was figuring out what we needed to do for this baby. That summer was one of the most stressful, and also beautiful of my life. We had some very difficult conversations in the first weeks of finding out. We quickly realized that in order to figure out how to best care for our child, we needed to figure out if we wanted to be together or not. Although we both thought we wanted to be married, the pregnancy had shaken both of us. So we made a deal. If we weren't going to stay together, we would give our little baby up for adoption. We were both adamant that we wanted to make sure this baby had a responsible mother and father who loved the child and each other. At that point we weren't completely positive we could be that. After making that decision, we felt we had adequate time to discern our own relationship, and see if we could be those parents we wanted for our baby.

After those first few weeks, and dealing with the discouraging reactions from our family, the summer became a stressful and romantic time for us. We had no money, but we knew that despite everything we were still in love, still wanted to be together, and wanted to raise our child together. We learned to rely on each other completely being in a new city thousands of miles away from our families. We had our first ultrasound at 14 weeks and both cried seeing our little babe for the first time. Slowly things began to fall into place. God seemed to be watching over us as jobs came through in the nick of time. Slowly our panicked talks of adoption faded away, and we started instead planning how to take care of our little family. In September when I was almost five months pregnant, A proposed to me. We squealed and celebrated, and started planning our wedding.

L was born 8 days before her due date, on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, January 22nd. The irony was not lost on us, since in many ways we were great candidates for abortion. We weren't in the most dire of situations, but we were both fresh graduates, with lots of potential and job possibilities now burdened with the responsibility of raising a child together. We were extremely poor. But seeing our little newborn daughter together made those objections to her birth seem completely silly. We were going to figure it out!

Today L turns two, and she is a joyful, spirited little elf-girl. She is constantly amazing us with her quick mind, and nimble feet. She is constantly helping us working out our purgatory time with her tantrums and sometimes crazy sleep :) We cannot imagine our lives without her. Have our lives been harder because we had a baby long before we planned or the world says is acceptable? Probably. But our lives have also been full of learning and joy and happy tears thanks to this tiny, improbable blessing.

-November

Baby J

Hello everyone! Baby J was born over a week ago, and I'm feeling pretty normal. I'm still feeling a bit hormonal, getting randomly weepy, but that's not really that unusual for me anyway :)

In some ways J's birth was very similar to L's, and in other ways quite different. They were both about 4 hours long, and were both uncomplicated. They were almost the same size, she was 6 pounds, 4 ounces, and he was 6 pounds, 5 ounces. The biggest difference was in our surroundings. I would describe L's birth as peaceful and focused, but baby J came into the world a bit more violently. This difference is mainly because L was delivered by a midwife in a birthcenter. However, due to insurance and issues we had finding a midwife this time, J was born in a hospital birth center, which despite what we thought was descent research and question asking, was extremely bureaucratic.

In discussing birth with other women, most have described it as either a completely awful painful experience, or something spiritual and peaceful. I think of birth a little differently, for both of my children I have seen their births as an athletic event. Seriously. I think it's all those years of cross country, working through intense pain up those hills prepared me for birth like nothing else. The way the pain comes in waves in running is similar to contractions for me, and the biggest effort comes at the end of a race in an intensely painful and satisfying way, just like the final pushing in birth.

Although baby J's birth was a more violent than I was expecting due to the crazy hospital rules, I felt totally and completely supported by my husband. Mainly, he spoke for me, and vied for my wishes, but he also rubbed my back and neck through every single contraction. One particularly bad point during labor I threw up, and was having the IV port put in my arm simultaneously. It was a pretty awful combination, and my husband is pretty squeamish particularly about anything to do with veins, and throwing up. Yet he held a bag for me, and kept on holding onto me. It was completely awful, but I felt extraordinarily loved by him in that moment hearing him trying to hold it together so he could be there for me.

Just like finishing my races, finally pushing my baby out was a moment of triumph for me. I felt powerful. I had endured all this crazy contraction pain, yet when it was time to push I knew exactly what I had to do.

My main sadness in the birth is that is was so stressful for A. He was worried about me, since none of the nurses listened to my wishes in the birth. Also the doctor didn't make it to the actual birth which was also extremely stressful for everyone, especially A.

However, once we saw our new little babe, we were able to let go of our frustrations with the hospital setting. He is gorgeous, and perfect. We've had a bonding week for our little family. It has been completely nuts, and we are definitely more sleep deprived than normal, but we are in love with our new little boy. Even L is quite taken with him :)

November

How the last few months have really put us through the ringer

The month of December has been a rough one. Particularly these last couple of weeks. Really it was set off by me losing my job in October, but really came to a head in December. This entire month it has felt like we are hemorrhaging money. I have been a huge Grinch about Christmas I am sure, since I'm always calculating what we can spend. Lots of other things have been getting to me as well. So since I know you are interested, here are my complaints.

1. Finances/Jobs: Why are finances so dang hard? On the up side I just started a new job which I think will make things a bit more stable. But then I worry how I will handle working with a two year old and a newborn? So now I have two jobs, and two kids, and I don't know how I will do it all. I'm hoping this baby is pretty easy like L, since if we had something like colic come up it would get...interesting. A has been looking at new jobs and even had an interview a few days ago mainly because it would be so helpful if he could just make more. I know it kills him that we can't make it on his paychecks alone.

2. Kids: L has come into a new kind of phase that A keeps calling the terrible twos. I'm afraid he is correct. Mainly she is throwing lots of tantrums and has taken to demanding, well, everything. If her demands are not met then tantrum. It was still manageable until she started having sleeping issues. She has been going to bed at 7pm every night since she was 8 months old, and as often as people told me we were really lucky, I guess I forgot that it is the most awesome schedule ever. Suddenly she is resisting bed time and each night has become a struggle. I keep thinking she needs a later bed time, but she seems so grouchy and tired from 5pm on, that I have kept trying to get her to sleep earlier.

So this is where it gets interesting. Last night L completely lost it, and A put her to bed right about 7 since we agreed she must be tired from a busy day and needed to have some alone time to just go to sleep (gentle bedtimes have been rare lately). We put her to bed and could hear her yelling, "NO NO NO!!" from her bedroom, but knew she would soon tire out. I was just letting my heart rate from the day go down, when L suddenly emerges from her room, walks into the living room and begins bellowing her displeasure at being put to bed. Holy crap, she can now climb out of her crib. And open her door. And apparently she learned to do these things on the same night.

She finally went to sleep in her crib an hour later, but I felt completely defeated. She has been a pretty good sleeper for a long time, and it just felt unjust that she would suddenly start having issues right before we are having a whole new baby!! AAaHHHHHhh

3. Marriage: It's not that marriage has been that hard, it's more that everything else has been so stressful it makes us both testy, and consequently testy with each other. I know part of it is how hormonal since I'm so late in the pregnancy game, which has lead to lots of crying, and what guy isn't stressed out by his lady crying? We've had lots of purely logistical talking, and not much just chill out time talking. In the last few weeks we've watched like three of those crass comedy movies just to try and chill out together for a while (it actually works pretty well...we even finally watched The Hangover). I'm hoping that having this next week off after Christmas gives us some time to be more calm with each other.

This is my official whiney post since January told me I should whine more :) Fortunately I am writing all this right before we get our week off between Christmas and New Years, and it is going to rock!! We are going to stay up late together watching movies and eating junk food, get the baby stuff ready to go, play in the backyard, and reconnect as much as possible. We are even planning a fancy date night in the city.

-November

Thanksgiving and Job Loss

I lost my job last month.  It was really unexpected and sudden.  Essentially a small business program the company was part of was ended by the budget cuts in August, and they were restructuring the company making my position unnecessary.  My boss told me they were letting me go Thursday and Friday was my last day.  I really liked my job and felt it was helping me to build a career that I could do while having children (I worked full-time from home), something I've always wanted in my dreams of having kids.  But more prominent in my mind is the fact that we lost my salary.  Our income was cut almost in half very suddenly.  My husband and I are still quite young and my job allowed us to be quite stable financially for the first time since we graduated college.  We had bought a house, and were making big payments on college loans and credit card debt.  With my husband's income alone we don't really have enough to buy groceries and pay all our bills.  

We were pretty thrown for a few weeks.  I qualified for unemployment (which can I say is pitifully low?) which covered groceries for us, and not much else.  I felt pretty angry for a few weeks about it, both at the company that let me go, and that we were back to being financially strapped after feeling like we had finally made our way to slightly easier times.  Additionally, it just felt unfair to lose my job at six months pregnant.  I had this horrible helpless feeling, knowing that any job I interviewed for was unlikely to hire me knowing I would need at least six weeks off in a few months.  My husband already has so much on his plate, between working, a long commute, and grad school, and I hated not being able to continue helping in the finances department.

However, a few weeks later a mini job came through for me at the local pregnancy center.  I only work ten hours a week and don't make much, but I like working there.  I've wanted to volunteer for them for a while so getting paid to help is great.  And the little bit of money I make helps.  I can cover groceries again, and I can bring L to work with me.  It just shows me yet again that God always takes care of us, even when it seems like things just aren't working out well.

For Thanksgiving we went out to visit my husband's family in Minnesota.  We got to stay with his parents for a whole week along with his brother and wife, and his grandmother.  His sister, husband, and their kids also live close by so it was a very intense in-law week.  We had a great time with them, but were pretty frustrated and ready to go home by the end.  A's family tends to be very materialistic, they like nice stuff, and they like to spend money.  A has this tendency too, but has tempered it considerably in the last several years.  While visiting we had many good solid talks about our values, goals, and how we want to be individually, and as a couple in regards to money and our possessions due to the materialism we were surrounded with.  It was incredibly good for both of our souls.  We never want money to be the most important thing to us.  In fact we hope to keep it from being a huge stressor in our lives if we can.  When we are doing well, we want to be generous with what we have.  When we are poorer we want to trust God, and be extra frugal, not worry and lament our sorry state.

The thankfulness present at Thanksgiving was present for me this year very acutely.  I am so thankful for my husband, for my daughter, and for our coming son.  Having more money would be awesome, and I hope we can figure out a better job situation soon, but I want to make the best of what we have right now (and hope our cars don't break).  Me losing my job has signaled a kind of spiritual renewal for my husband and I that I know we needed.  We have been making more of an effort to pray, both together and apart, and I feel very peaceful.  

November

The lure of ABC

A and I never looked into contraceptive methods.  We are both committed Catholics and we always planned on using NFP when married. So when we didn't always listen to our consciences before we were married in the sex department, we didn't use any 'protection,' and that lack of contraception got us our gorgeous daughter, L.

While we were preparing for marriage, we tried our best to learn NFP so that we would be ready, but I was four months postpartum when we married, and let me say that NFP while breastfeeding is pretty dang confusing, especially for someone who has never used it before.  It wasn't that we were not open to the idea of having another baby, more that we wanted to have at least a little bit of space between them. I have seen first-hand how tough it can be to have children very close together, and since I'm only 24 we really want to avoid parenting burnout especially this early in the game.

I charted until my cycle came back, but we didn't do much abstaining (the whole newlywed thing and all :) ).  I started cycling again when L was nine months old.  We felt that an 18-month gap was less then we wanted at that stage so we started using NFP to postpone another pregnancy, and man was it hard for us!  I know some people take to NFP easily and find it incredibly grace-filled, but I can honestly say we have had some of our worst stress induced arguments while abstaining during my fertile periods.  I'm not saying that this means it's not good, because it did genuinely help us work out some of our early marriage problems. But, our stress levels go up significantly while we are abstaining, and I'm sure we aren't the only ones who feel this.  I'm sure part of the issue is that we did not practice the whole abstinence thing perfectly before marriage.  We abstained for months at a time, but we did not have a chaste dating or engaged relationship.  So for us learning to abstain has had to come after getting married. 

We successfully used NFP to postpone pregnancy for six cycles. Somewhere in the middle of that sixth cycle we decided that a two year gap between kids was good enough for us, and baby J was conceived, and we have been frolicking freely while I'm pregnant. So, I have a pretty short experience with NFP, but let me tell you our short experience with it was, well hard. We have friends who have successfully used NFP to postpone pregnancy for years at a time, and I truly admire their dedication and self control.  And the couples pictured in those darn NFP how-to manuals always look so blissfully happy! However, this type of self control with each other certainly does not come easily to A and me.  I know that means we need to work on it when it is time for us to postpone pregnancy, but it often scares me to consider how many years of fertility remain to me.  I'm only 24, and many of my female relatives have had children in their forties.  I realize many women would love to have the 'problem' of an over-abundance of fertility, but it can feel like a different type of struggle. I have a few relatives, my maternal grandmother, and an aunt on my mother's side, who have over 10 children. And judging from the generous fertility of my mom's side of the family I know that mine will probably be similar (I'm guessing I'm quite capable of having a dozen children, finishing up in my early forties).  I know I could have over ten myself if we continue to have children at this rate--and I honestly find that thought a bit terrifying. 

Hence when I read Simcha Fisher's article, "The Grass is Just as Complicated on the Other Side" (http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/the-grass-is-just-as-complicated-on-the-other-side/) I really identified with the lure of contraception.  I'll admit that when my fears about being able to successfully use NFP for longer periods of time and of having more children than we can reasonably care for are crowding in, using contraception sounds blissfully stress-free.   In our darker times we have discussed using ABC. I often forget that contraception comes with its own set of problems and uncertainties. 

Although we have discussed using some kind of ABC before, we always come back to thinking that NFP is the best choice for us both morally and physically. A, again, reminded me of our beliefs a few days ago when he told me about an ad he saw on TV for some new contraceptive pill.  He told me how one of the side affects was 'death,' and how horrible he found it that we are willing to risk a woman's life to make her a non-fertile being.  He told me how he found the whole idea of contraception to not just be morally wrong, but to be blatantly anti-woman.  He never wants me to do something like that to my body so that we can have sex whenever we want. That's love!

Hearing his thoughts on this issue from a health perspective helped me to understand the respect using NFP brings to us for each other even though it's hard.  My fertile future is scary to me, but I know I've got an amazing husband to stand with me and figure it out with.  And when I read of the adverse affects of contraception physically and on relationships, abstaining doesn't sound so bad. 

--November

Conceiving through sperm donation: two reflections

January's thoughts:

Novie and I have been discussing some articles about sperm donation that have been published in recent weeks. Some say that this is a personal decision, and it’s not my business, but I fervently disagree with that. I find that I am taking this issue personally.

Every article I read points to infertility as one of the primary reasons for employing donated sperm. However, if infertility or subfertility is your reason to use a sperm donor, it really seems like you are doing a grave disservice to yourself, your children, your current or future spouse, the sperm donor—heck, the entire population of the world, according to some experts. You have worked outside God’s law and will for your life and the sperm donor's; your child or children will have a biological parent they mostly likely will never know and possibly quite a few siblings that they always have to wonder and worry about; your current spouse will know that they were not enough for you; your future spouse will know that you did not have the patience to wait for them to come into your life. Some donors are learning that they have unexpectedly high numbers of offspring, which could affect their lives in untold ways. Included among those affected, are people experiencing fertility problems.

Sperm donation and ART methods make infertile women look like baby-obsessed creatures that would do anything to experience pregnancy and have babies, including using sperm other than their spouses’ or deciding that a child’s need for a father is outweighed by a woman’s desire for a child. I do not want to be lumped into that category! I deeply desire children and the whole wonderful and terrible experience of pregnancy. Some of my darkest days have been spent thinking that this may never happen for me. I can empathize with many of the emotions that other women who are not in a position to conceive or have children for whatever reason might be feeling. I haven’t officially been investigating my fertility problems for very long, but I am strongly affected by this year plus of trying to conceive. I can understand that looking into a future of uncertainty or certainty about never being able to have a child could make anyone feel desperate.

That fear and sadness is not an excuse, however. Excuses are not acceptable when it comes to creating new life, because every excuse is a self-centered one, and creating life is meant to be a wholly self-giving experience. I can’t think of a reason to have a baby using donated sperm that isn’t selfish.

If it turns out that I am never able to get pregnant, that will be crushing. But if (in a strange alternate universe) my husband were set on having a biological child of his own and decided to bring in a surrogate to get the job done, that would be 100 times worse. It would be a clear violation of our marriage vows. The gravity of the words “in sickness and in health” certainly becomes apparent when the “sickness” may be a lifelong situation that prevents you from having biological children. But if you can’t handle that incredible challenge, then what business do you have taking the act of creating life out of God’s hands?

November's thoughts:

It has been very valuable to me to hear Jan's thoughts on using donor sperm to conceive a child because when I initially read these two articles, (http://www.ncregister.com/daily-news/anonymous-no-more-child-of-sperm-donor-speaks-out/, and http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/06/health/06donor.html?pagewanted=all) I assumed I could not understand in a sympathetic way since I have had no trouble conceiving and having children. 

It was incredible to realize that we actually object to this practice for very similar reasons.  We both feel like it comes between the unity between husband and wife.  January is probably capable of more sympathy with someone desperate to get pregnant, but we both understand how important loyalty to our spouses' is.

I realize that many people who use a sperm donor to conceive are in homosexual relationships, or single women who want a baby on their own.  I don't really feel qualified to discuss these other groups so in this post I'm only thinking of a heterosexual couple who use a sperm donor to conceive. 

I have a very emotional response to the whole idea of using donor sperm to conceive because for me having children has been such an intimate part of my relationship with my husband.  I see every part of raising children as something that we do together, from conceiving, to changing diapers, to high school choices. 

I want to have my husband's children, no one else's.  Having another man's child feels like disloyalty to my husband.  If we can't have any more children, we just won't have any more.  We have agreed to carry on our genes only with each other. 

As L gets older, it becomes more profound to me that she looks like us.  It's shocking and exhilarating to realize that she truly has part of me and part of my husband.  It is crazy to think that she grew from pieces of both of us inside me.  Her very genetics pull us closer together. 

However, adoption is in an entirely different category from sperm donation babies.  I feel that adoption does preserve this unity between man and wife, because together they agree to raise a child that is not biologically theirs.  They go through the adoption process together, and through each stage of child-hood together.  This is another kind of unity that is created through adoption between husband and wife.  I'm sure there are a whole new host of trials ready for those who choose to adopt, from dealing with strangers questions, to coping with past treatment that the couple had no part in. 

This togetherness that biological conception and adoption bring into a marriage is intrinisc to how we bring children into the world. 

Taking Time for Each Other: Parents

A and I jumped into parenthood pretty fast.  We had L four months before our wedding (more on that situation later).  Consequently, as soon as we got back from our honeymoon, we needed to learn how to create couple time for ourselves with an infant to care for. In some ways, having to deal with baby-raising immediately was good for us.  We never had to let go of limitless alone time,  because we never had it in the first place! We were newly-married and knew we needed time minus baby to connect emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. 

At times it has been really hard.  Sometimes all we want to do is have a lazy afternoon, curl up and watch a movie together, but instead L is going nuts and requires our attention and energy.  We've learned that when we are craving time alone, we have to make each other a promise to be together as soon as the opportunity arises. It is something we started out vocalizing, which helped for me especially in feeling cared for, but now we don’t always need to spell it out for each other. Simply saying, “Hey tonight let’s just hang out,” is often all it takes to remind each other that we need to be together.  Now, when we know our relationship requires something more planned out, we can make that happen too.  For instance, if I suggest we go on a date on the weekend A knows this means we need to make it happen, and vice versa. We take date suggestions seriously, and make them happen quickly.

Here are some other key strategies for keeping our relationship healthy and well-tended:

Organization: For me, this often just means naming a time! We'll decide that Saturday night we will have an ‘us’ night--what we actually do together is less important than just setting the time aside.  Organization also comes into play when we are planning an out-of-house date (we tend to have lots of in-house dates). 

Spontaneity: Along with being organized, we have found spontaneity is key in maintaining our closeness.  This may sound like it is at odds with organization, but they're really both important! This means when L randomly takes a nap on a Saturday afternoon, we often run straight to the bedroom!  It means we make romance for each other in the little things: A might bring home a bottle of wine from work and ask if I want to take a bath that evening, or I will offer to give him a backrub while we are watching a movie.

Always put each other first: Most importantly, in the short time we’ve been married, we have striven to put our marriage first. Growing up, I saw lots of couples who let children take over their relationship. Obviously kids are a huge responsibility, and take up huge amounts of time, and a couple needs to take care of their children together. But we decided right away to allow the experience of raising kids to pull us together rather than apart. When L was about six months old, we decided it was of dire necessity that we get her into a more predictable sleep pattern; she wasn't going to bed until ten o'clock or later, and our relationship was suffering! We began trying out new ways to get her to sleep earlier and within a month were enjoying her new 7pm bedtime.

We are having a new baby in January, and I sometimes worry that with a two year old and a newborn we will have a hard time adjusting.  We will have less time for just each other, particularly in the first couple of months, but as long as we continue to prioritize each other and our time together, our alone time will feel that much more special.  I'll let you know how it goes!

--November