Heaven

OK, first off, how awesome is it that January is pregnant??!! I seriously screamed and jumped around the living room when she called to tell me (L and J looked at me like I was insane. How is it that two little people who think sticking their hands in the toilet bowl is lots of fun get to give me the the 'you are crazy' look?). Anyway, I am so so happy for Jan. Please keep little baby J in your prayers. Grow baby, grow!


Now, on the sad side of things, the shooting. I cannot fathom the pain of the families who lost children. In fact, I keep stopping myself from thinking too hard about it, because even the thought of it is too painful. When my husband got home last Friday, we had a very emotional evening with lots of kid snuggling. Seriously I have been hugging these little people so much this week. Last week I had a really rough week with the kids--napping and whining problems mostly. And I felt so silly after reading about the shooting. I mean who cares if I have to deal with a whiney little L. She is only 2 afterall (almost 3!).

We had a 'circle the wagons' weekend in order to be together as a family and truly appreciate our kids. I realize this in no way changes or makes up for the horrible horrible things that happened, but it was our way of coping.

I don't know why things like this happen. It is so contrary to any kind of goodness and love. It is times like this though that I wish my doubting faith was stronger. I want to really fully believe those kids are dancing around in Heaven. For now, I hope God pulled them right into his arms.

November

The Medal

I've been in a time of spiritual dryness/doubting for, ooohhh, the last three years or so. In a lot of ways it started when I got pregnant with L. The "worst thing ever" happened, and it wasn't the worst thing ever. My life didn't fall apart because of it. It was crazy and hard, but with this new little baby I was incredibly blessed. A and I got married and it was awesome.

But this is what tripped me up about it. I grew up with a pretty harsh understanding of faith. So when we had sex and got pregnant outside of being married, I was under the impression that we were doomed to be unhappy because we sinned. I had learned that premarital sex was pretty much a great way to ruin your chances of having real love, and a good marriage, yet we have both. Have we had to work through things due to our mistakes? Sure! But that particular issue has just been one of many, along with dealing with our selfishness, impatience, and all the other lovely vices two humans bring into marriage.

My point is that having had sex before marriage didn't damage us nearly as much as I had been led to believe as a teenager. In fact, with the birth of L blessings just poured out on us. And this threw me into a mode of doubting faith, because although lip service was given in my upbringing to the mercy of God, and redemption and all that, the feeling I had was that divine justice was stronger, and I had sinned dang it.

Now, slowly, with a lot of good talks with A, I am coming to see that due to the mixture of a harsher form of Catholicism and my idealistic nature, I have had too severe of a view of God. A came to be a faithful person more on his own, (and also has a degree in theology to boot :) ) and his early spiritual direction was much less harsh. Hearing his total belief in the love and mercy of God has been incredibly healing for me, and I truly want that kind of trusting faith. Not faith that is based off of fear of hell.

Slowly I am seeing that, yes we did sin, but the reason our sins are sins is because they are bad for us. I don't think God wants to punish us, rather He wants us to become the people we are meant to be. And it seems that part of our journey to becoming those people was through our dating, sinning, and having a baby at a challenging time. I think God is proud of the way we handled the results of our sin. Does that make sense? I'm not saying that this is why things have worked out so well (I don't really know why that is the case). I'm saying that God honors the fact that we tried the best we could in the circumstances we got ourselves into, and isn't out to beat us up over it.

So recently, in my faith journey I have been focusing on letting go of my scrupulosity, and focusing on accepting the mercy of God. But it's hard to relearn the thought processes I've used for so many years. I often worry there is a mortal sin that I haven't properly confessed, and if I die I will go to Hell. A assures me, and I want with my heart to believe, that God would take the whole of my life into account, and not bust me on a technicality. This is the God I want to believe in: the one who loves completely and knows our hearts and ours souls, and wants us with Him. But I am afraid of the God of judgement.

Anyway, due to all of this craziness swirling in my mind, I have not prayed much in the last few years. I faithfully go to Mass and confession, but when it comes to me personally, I try to communicate with God through loving my kids and husband. And in a lot of ways that has been more spiritually nourishing than spending hours in personal prayer. This week I made a very small gesture towards having something more personal and less fear based with God: I put on a medal of Our Lady of Perpetual Help.

A intentionally asked me out on the feast day of Our Lady of Perpetual Help, and we evoked her protection and guidance often during our tumultuous dating relationship. Mary has always felt like a very gentle presence to me even when I am feeling afraid of a judgmental God. And, let's face it, I will need help forever, so this particular title of hers is quite fitting.

I used to wear medals all the time, but have fallen out of the habit as my faith has felt shaky. A bought me the medal of Our Lady of Perpetual Help a couple of years ago, and I have worn it sporadically. This week I put it on again. It's a very small gesture I realize, but for me it is a first step towards really praying again. I hope this very small step will help me to focus on spiritual things again, through the most gentle of Mothers.

November

Be Not Afraid

Today begins the Fortnight for Freedom (or the F4F as Catholic Mutt hilariously puts it).

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I am proud of our bishops and excited to have my little voice join others in demanding the religious freedom promised to us by the founding fathers. On the other hand, I'm a little bit terrified. Make that a lot terrified.

Why?

I do not handle confrontation well. When faced with a situation where things are going downhill fast, I will a)retreat, b)fly into a rage, or c)burst into tears. When I try to engage in any way with people on, say, facebook who are hating hardcore on my (and usually supposedly their) Catholic faith, I usually end up retreating, shutting down. I don't know how to spar. I don't know how to gently teach someone something. I have zero confidence in my knowledge of catechism or any other particulars of my faith.

I should have more confidence than this. After a painfully shy childhood, I have grown into a self-assured woman. My lack of ability in this area makes me want to kick myself. I mean, what am I afraid of?

First, and probably most, I'm afraid of being wrong. What if I say something and it's wrong?!

A close second, I'm afraid of having no answer at all.

Third, what if I drive people further away? Family, friends, acquaintances - I worry that I would drive them away from coming to an understanding rather than bringing them closer together.

Isn't there someone more qualified for this job than I am?!

Deep breaths, Jan, deep breaths.

At Mass on Sunday back in my hometown, we sang Be Not Afraid. You know, that song that every Catholic has sung at least 368,000 times? Well, this was the first time, out of all of those previous 367,999 times singing the song, that I really heard what it was saying. My first "duh" moment was in the first verse, and that's for another post, but my second was at the end, when the last verse picks up some of the beatitutes.

"And if wicked men insult and hate you all because of me, blessed, blessed are you."

Hello, Jan! Jesus left you instructions for times like this. You have to be not afraid, and you have to put yourself out there. For fourteen days. You can do that. (Yes I am giving myself a peptalk right now). Some people that you love are going to be upset by what you believe, but you have the right to believe it. You have the right to live this way, and you want to keep this right. You don't know what will happen because of this, but you shouldn't be afraid, because God is right there, right ahead of you. He is leading the way.

Be not afraid, be not afraid.

-January

A Little Bit of Faith

I can be a big whiner oftentimes. Particularly when it comes to faith and my own holiness (or lack thereof). I'm convinced that I am called to raise kids because it will whittle me into something resembling a good Catholic provided I allow it too.
I’ve always been a doubter. I remember growing up I would ask my mom these super intense theological questions. Inconsistencies in faith freak me out. But more than that, my ultimate question is how do we know? When I was little I used to ask God for some immediate tangible sign so that I could know for sure he was real. I wanted to see and believe even though I knew it was technically better to not see and yet still believe. I thought Thomas had the right idea, because he wanted to be sure. I’ve spent most of my life in some form of doubt about faith, because really, how do I, a small human, know what is true?

I keep coming back to my Catholic faith as what I have found to be most real and true. Plus, the Catholic Church feels like home to me. But my lingering doubts have always plagued me. I went through a particularly rough patch my senior year of high school. I just couldn’t reconcile the description of God to the world around me.

I’m going through a similarly doubtful time now, but this time something is quite different. Although I have trouble grasping fine theological points, I finally have an understanding of what the love of God really means. You see, in the past several years I have experienced love like I never have before. A has loved me, and shown me this love more than I knew was possible. I have also learned to love in a way I never have before. I love A with all of my heart, and together we love our children. This incredible experience of love has completely blown me out of the water, giving me a peace with God and his mysteriousness.

I know that love so powerful comes from something. God is love, and knowing that love like this exists helps me to believe in God in the faith and hope that He is ultimate love. I am comfortable now, not necessarily understanding fine points of theology because love is the most important part of this whole deal.

November

Happy Easter, Prayer Buddy Reveal, and CD 1

Happy Easter!

I was so excited to sing "Jesus Christ Is Risen Today" on Easter morning. My mom is in the bell choir, and it was the first song they rang before Mass started! Then we got to sing it for the processional. Aside from the excellent bell ringing, the coolest musical part of Easter Mass was that the church choir sang the "Hallelujah Chorus" at the end. And they sounded amazing. They always work really hard, but to be honest, I'm a music snob, and totally spoiled by the fact that the parish Husband and I belong to here has a semi-professional choir and incredible cathedral acoustics. But wow! I'm so thrilled for that choir back home. They did a great job.

***

My prayer buddy was:

Lavished with Lemons!

It was an honor to pray for her and learn all about her through her blog. She's a seriously wonderful person! She also knows how to up the ante for a prayer buddy. Scheduling some short-notice surgery for the middle of Lent, like it ain't no thang. In all seriousness, Lavished, praying for you this Lenten season has been a real blessing for me. Thank you!

Also, a shout out to my prayer buddy, His Essence Is Love, who I am so pleased to see was blessed with a pregnancy this Lent! Thanks to you and your husband for praying for me!

***

And finally, yes, friends, it's CD1. The only miracle I got this Easter was the original one, but really, that's the only one you need.

I am feeling pretty beat up emotionally by the trying and the hope and all of those things, especially in combination with my work life being such a mess. I was talking with November today, and I told her that I am contemplating not trying this cycle. And by not trying, I mean not only not charting and not taking medicine, but actually avoiding altogether. Is that wrong? On one hand, I feel like I need a break. On the other hand, I see how this could seem like I'm trying to take the power back from God, saying "Fine, God, you won't give us a baby? I won't give you the chance to give us a baby!" I don't want that; I want some protection for my heart, to know that I have nothing to hope for. Husband isn't home yet, but when he gets home, I have to talk about this with him. I told him this morning that it's ok that it's just the two of us; he countered with saying that he wouldn't mind if our "us" turned into three people. I know that he needs to hear from me that I am ok with us as we are, because sometimes I think it hurts him that I am not satisfied with our family as it is right now. It was so good to hear from him in turn that he still wants to have a baby, too.

What do you think? Avoiding: bad idea, good idea? You all know where I'm at, and your perspective would be helpful. Thanks.

-January

My NFP Story, Wrapped Up in the HHS Debate, with a Link to a Post about Christian Love on Top

My view of the HHS contraception debate is all wrapped up with my personal decision to use NFP, so instead of trying to untangle them, I’m going to share them both. In addition, I want to recommend that you read this post from a priest named Father Christian over at Elizabeth Esther’s website. It was just what I needed to see yesterday, when I was feeling totally distressed about the fact that people I have cared about can be such, well, jerks. If you've been feeling kind of beat up by this particular national row, I promise you that the Thomas Merton quote will make you feel worlds better.

---

I had always known that the Church was opposed to contraception of any kind, but I never really understood why. My perspective was that God was God, and if you were using contraception but He wanted you to get pregnant, He could make that happen. It sounds mighty flip, I know, but it made a lot of sense to me at the time. Mary didn’t even have to have sex to become Jesus’s mother, so it seemed to me that you should do what you needed to protect yourself from diseases and unwanted pregnancies if you were going to have sex, and God would do what God needed to do.

My gynecologist and primary care physician had both urged me to take the pill, the former because I complained of terrible cramps and the latter because, I’m guessing, I was a female in her early 20s, and she thought it was unlikely that I would remain a virgin much longer. When Husband and I had started dating, way back in high school, we agreed that we wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. We always knew that we’d made the right decision, but it certainly wasn’t always easy. Fortunately, we were both committed to that choice to wait, and when one of us wavered, the other kept strong, and we actually made it to our wedding night!

However, at my last doctor’s appointment before our wedding, I told my doctor that we were getting married, so I guessed that I needed to go on the pill. She didn’t object and even wrote me a prescription for the brand I suggested because I knew my sister used it. I started taking it, and it did help my terrible cramping a lot, and it was also cool to know exactly when my next period would arrive. My very unpredictable cycles never evened out after puberty the way that my mom and various medical professionals told me they would, so it was a relief not to be caught unawares.

Right around that time, Husband and I went to the pre-marriage conference that the diocese requires engaged couples to attend. A couple in their sixties, I’d say, gave the witness talk about NFP. They talked about how the wife had suffered many miscarriages after their first two children were born, and she’d been told that if she had another one she’d likely die. So she went on the pill. They mentioned it to a priest friend, and said they were glad they were exempt from the requirement not to use contraception, since she had a life-threatening condition. The priest told them that there was no exemption, not even for a situation like this. They decided to go back to using NFP (I don’t know what form), and abstained very conservatively, adding a day onto each end of the time they thought she’d be fertile, just in case. They made it through their childbearing years, alive and still very much in love.

After hearing that story and learning about the abortifacient properties of hormonal contraceptives in particular, I realized that my reasons for being on the pill were not valid. If this woman could have DIED and still chose to follow the Church’s teaching, I needed to do that, too. I was horrified to think that we might have lost little babies because the pill was making my uterus a hostile place for them to implant. Husband and I took a walk outside and I cried, and he said we could do whatever I wanted. I remained on the pill the first six months we were married, until I found that I could order the CCL teaching kit to learn at home. I went off the pill right away, three years ago now, and truly have never looked back.

---

This is where my mind goes when I think about the current contraception debate. I have a hard time sharing my thoughts about this with anyone who disagrees with me. It makes me feel like a total wimp, and certainly not a warrior for God or unborn children. But at the same time, every post on Facebook and ever blog post on this topic makes me want to scream out.
What follows is my reasoning for why the Church should not under any circumstances have to carry insurance that funds contraceptives (or sterilization or anything like that). It’s what I wish I could share, but am always afraid to. I need the safety of my anonymous blog to let it out.

The Catholic Church believes that sexual intercourse has two purposes that cannot be separated from each other: the joyful, pleasurable union of husband and wife AND the creation of new life. There is so much wrapped up in this one belief that causes the Catholic Church to be at odds with the world today. But it makes so much sense! The Church is opposed to all of the contraception and sterilization in this law because it prevents the second purpose. Plain and simple. Hormonal contraceptives are repugnant because when you believe that life starts the moment that an egg is fertilized, you believe that that new life should not be extinguished.

The thing I want to say is that nearly all of those complaints, the ones that I read online and hear on the radio all the time about why women NEED hormonal birth control aren’t enough. Protecting life trumps relieving suffering. I’m not saying that life is pain, but I am saying that God even let His only Son suffer excruciating pain in order to save our eternal souls. I’m still infertile, so I don’t know what I would do if I were told that I had to prevent myself from getting pregnant or else I would die. But I like to think that I’d be as brave as the woman who gave her witness talk at that pre-Cana conference, and trust that God would keep me in his hands no matter what.

-January

Let's Do This!

The title of this post is how the priest ended his homily at the Liturgy of the Word that I attended after work this evening. I love it! I love how pumped up and yet solemn (is that possible?) he was as he talked about Lent and what we should do for these 40 days. As Leila talks about here, my soul has most definitely been craving Lent. Not only, or even primarily, because of the huge battle going on between the Catholic Church and the current presidential administration, though that certainly troubles me deeply and often. This craving for Lent is coming from a place inside me that knows that I need to change my ways or I won't make it out of this year in one piece.

Now, I know you're thinking that sounds a little melodramatic, and maybe it is. But work, marriage, and infertility are all taking their toll right now, and I crave refreshment.

Refreshment comes in all forms. Just think about it!

Exfoliation: Those scrubby bits in your face wash hurt a little, but they are scraping off the dead bits! If that's not refreshing, I don't know what is. Lent is like exfoliation for your soul. It's crummy to be hungry while you fast or to miss out on delicious meaty sandwiches when you eat out with your co-workers on Fridays, but fasting and abstaining are making your soul shiny and new-looking! Confession is scraping away all the dead bits! (remind me to go - I am a super slacker when it comes to confession)

Health spa retreat: Taking a break from your normal routine, paring down your intake, and even exercising new muscles can lead to a refreshed and healthier mind and body. Giving up something, whether it's sweets or video games changes the routine and makes us conscious of our choices. I'll be taking a break from watching television this Lent, and I'm hoping that the change will enable me to give proper attention to other areas of my life that I've been neglecting.

Icy water: Drink deep. Oh, sorry about the brain freeze! But how can you beat cold water when it comes to refreshment? (yes I just got up for a glass of water after typing this.) We can't just give up things during Lent; we need to add things, too. This is something I've never successfully done before. This Lent, I want to add more regular prayer to my life (look out, prayer buddy!). I also want to add a little spiritiual reading, which will be another first for me. I think adding these things will allow me to learn more about just how much love God has for me. Trying to wrap my head around these things is likely to give me something of a headache (can we ever really understand how much love God has for us?) but I think it's time to try.

I hope that you experience the exfoliating, healthful, and ice-cold refreshment of Lent this season. Let's do this!

-January

L's Birthday

Today is my daughter's birthday. It is also the day that the decision was made to allow millions of unborn children to be killed in the womb.

My husband and I (at that time A was just my boyfriend) found out I was pregnant a few weeks after we graduated from college. I was actually pregnant when we graduated, I just didn't know it yet. We had both just moved to DC. I was a swim teacher and was starting an internship with plans to return to my home state of California for an excellent job I had secured for the beginning of the school year. A was also interning for the summer, while working at a coffee shop. He was ready to begin a masters program in DC in the Fall.

We were planning on getting married, but our breach of our own morals in the chastity department proved quite confusing in fully committing to each other. Finding out I was pregnant we put these plans on hold. Now the most important thing was figuring out what we needed to do for this baby. That summer was one of the most stressful, and also beautiful of my life. We had some very difficult conversations in the first weeks of finding out. We quickly realized that in order to figure out how to best care for our child, we needed to figure out if we wanted to be together or not. Although we both thought we wanted to be married, the pregnancy had shaken both of us. So we made a deal. If we weren't going to stay together, we would give our little baby up for adoption. We were both adamant that we wanted to make sure this baby had a responsible mother and father who loved the child and each other. At that point we weren't completely positive we could be that. After making that decision, we felt we had adequate time to discern our own relationship, and see if we could be those parents we wanted for our baby.

After those first few weeks, and dealing with the discouraging reactions from our family, the summer became a stressful and romantic time for us. We had no money, but we knew that despite everything we were still in love, still wanted to be together, and wanted to raise our child together. We learned to rely on each other completely being in a new city thousands of miles away from our families. We had our first ultrasound at 14 weeks and both cried seeing our little babe for the first time. Slowly things began to fall into place. God seemed to be watching over us as jobs came through in the nick of time. Slowly our panicked talks of adoption faded away, and we started instead planning how to take care of our little family. In September when I was almost five months pregnant, A proposed to me. We squealed and celebrated, and started planning our wedding.

L was born 8 days before her due date, on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, January 22nd. The irony was not lost on us, since in many ways we were great candidates for abortion. We weren't in the most dire of situations, but we were both fresh graduates, with lots of potential and job possibilities now burdened with the responsibility of raising a child together. We were extremely poor. But seeing our little newborn daughter together made those objections to her birth seem completely silly. We were going to figure it out!

Today L turns two, and she is a joyful, spirited little elf-girl. She is constantly amazing us with her quick mind, and nimble feet. She is constantly helping us working out our purgatory time with her tantrums and sometimes crazy sleep :) We cannot imagine our lives without her. Have our lives been harder because we had a baby long before we planned or the world says is acceptable? Probably. But our lives have also been full of learning and joy and happy tears thanks to this tiny, improbable blessing.

-November

What's happening on the IF front and other fronts

It's been ages since I've written anything! After the emotional return of AF (which you got to read about), and then the steeling of my will to bear down and fight, I decided to get my prescription for Tamoxifen (20mg) filled and took that on CD 3-7 this month. While I took it, I didn't notice any side effects they warned about, like hot flashes, (I think it's a pretty low dose), but I have did have a bit of a dry spell of CM. That made me nervous (and I'm still hoping things pick up enough so that I can identify Peak, which I'm already bad at, because I need to have a P+7 blood draw one of the two cycles that I am on the tamoxifen) but a couple of people posted about their dryness on Clomid, which assured me that this is probably a normal side effect. I've also had higher temps way earlier in my cycle than I ever have before. I'm guessing this is a side effect too.

As you can tell, and I may have mentioned before, I currently chart STM. Because so many people use Creighton, when I last went to my Napro-trained doctor, she surprised me by suggesting that I use Marquette. I talked to Husband about our options, and bless his heart, he didn't know what to say. He never really bothered to learn STM with me, so he isn't even sure how they would all differ. I sort of floundered for a bit after that and just felt stuck.

Last week, Rebecca wrote a post about why she and her DH use NaPro. She also linked to a post by Rae about why she, on the other hand, was not using NaPro. I so appreciated the opposing viewpoints of these reflections, and they both really helped me think about my choices for medical care. Husband is still having a hard time digesting our IF status, so it's hard to have a fruitful conversation with him about what we would or wouldn't be willing to pursue down the road. I know that I am still on board with having a laparoscopy if the tamoxifen doesn't help get the job done, but I also realized that we'll probably not be ready to go to Omaha any time in the next few years. When I asked in the past why everyone charts Creighton, the answer that came back was that Napro docs use it, and in particular that Dr. H uses it. Because my Napro-trained doc suggested something else, and I'm probably not going to be working with PPVI soon, I figure Marquette will serve for now. She didn't say this, but I'm guessing Dr. C suggested it because I don't have confidence in my CM observations, and maybe she is worried that I'm not ovulating, which would be the reason for the tamoxifen anyway. My charts have never been picture-perfect, and I do have a hard time identifying Peak. I am hopeful that this will help. It also feels good just to have made a decision. I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of my monitor in the mail!

But wait, there is not only IF news!

I'd told Husband last year that I wanted to learn more about Catholic bioethics, in order to be able to have the hard conversations that come up so often with friends, family, and others who don't believe in the sanctity of human life. So for Christmas, he bought me a couple of books by Fr. Robert J. Spitzer, S.J., Ph.D.. I'm reading Ten Universal Principles: A Brief Philosophy of the Life Issues and learning a lot! And, dare I say, I'm enjoying it? I hated my college philosophy course and generally feel like my mind just doesn't work the right way to understand philosophers. As I read, I'm keeping a journal of what I'm learning AND I'm underlining key sentences in the book, which is something I'd normally never do. Maybe the key to learning philosophy is learning something that I'm really interested in, and not just the prescribed 101 curriculum. I plan to post what I learn along the way here, as another way to help me understand all of this. I have to be able to explain it, then hopefully engage with others about it.

Work has entered a particularly stressful period. I knew this was coming (the end of year reviews), but I didn't know just how many other important work things these reviews would coincide with. I'm telling myself that I WILL get it all done and that I just need to stay focused. I don't usually reject a day off, but this could not have been a worse-timed three day weekend. Some work got done at home, though, so in the end I suppose it was nice to sit on the couch with my cat while doing research. It seems like the key to handling anything is trying to handle everything all at once. That way, I don't have time to fret about any particular problem. I'm thankful that it's shaping up to be a busy rest of winter and spring!

-January

Thanksgiving and Job Loss

I lost my job last month.  It was really unexpected and sudden.  Essentially a small business program the company was part of was ended by the budget cuts in August, and they were restructuring the company making my position unnecessary.  My boss told me they were letting me go Thursday and Friday was my last day.  I really liked my job and felt it was helping me to build a career that I could do while having children (I worked full-time from home), something I've always wanted in my dreams of having kids.  But more prominent in my mind is the fact that we lost my salary.  Our income was cut almost in half very suddenly.  My husband and I are still quite young and my job allowed us to be quite stable financially for the first time since we graduated college.  We had bought a house, and were making big payments on college loans and credit card debt.  With my husband's income alone we don't really have enough to buy groceries and pay all our bills.  

We were pretty thrown for a few weeks.  I qualified for unemployment (which can I say is pitifully low?) which covered groceries for us, and not much else.  I felt pretty angry for a few weeks about it, both at the company that let me go, and that we were back to being financially strapped after feeling like we had finally made our way to slightly easier times.  Additionally, it just felt unfair to lose my job at six months pregnant.  I had this horrible helpless feeling, knowing that any job I interviewed for was unlikely to hire me knowing I would need at least six weeks off in a few months.  My husband already has so much on his plate, between working, a long commute, and grad school, and I hated not being able to continue helping in the finances department.

However, a few weeks later a mini job came through for me at the local pregnancy center.  I only work ten hours a week and don't make much, but I like working there.  I've wanted to volunteer for them for a while so getting paid to help is great.  And the little bit of money I make helps.  I can cover groceries again, and I can bring L to work with me.  It just shows me yet again that God always takes care of us, even when it seems like things just aren't working out well.

For Thanksgiving we went out to visit my husband's family in Minnesota.  We got to stay with his parents for a whole week along with his brother and wife, and his grandmother.  His sister, husband, and their kids also live close by so it was a very intense in-law week.  We had a great time with them, but were pretty frustrated and ready to go home by the end.  A's family tends to be very materialistic, they like nice stuff, and they like to spend money.  A has this tendency too, but has tempered it considerably in the last several years.  While visiting we had many good solid talks about our values, goals, and how we want to be individually, and as a couple in regards to money and our possessions due to the materialism we were surrounded with.  It was incredibly good for both of our souls.  We never want money to be the most important thing to us.  In fact we hope to keep it from being a huge stressor in our lives if we can.  When we are doing well, we want to be generous with what we have.  When we are poorer we want to trust God, and be extra frugal, not worry and lament our sorry state.

The thankfulness present at Thanksgiving was present for me this year very acutely.  I am so thankful for my husband, for my daughter, and for our coming son.  Having more money would be awesome, and I hope we can figure out a better job situation soon, but I want to make the best of what we have right now (and hope our cars don't break).  Me losing my job has signaled a kind of spiritual renewal for my husband and I that I know we needed.  We have been making more of an effort to pray, both together and apart, and I feel very peaceful.  

November

The lure of ABC

A and I never looked into contraceptive methods.  We are both committed Catholics and we always planned on using NFP when married. So when we didn't always listen to our consciences before we were married in the sex department, we didn't use any 'protection,' and that lack of contraception got us our gorgeous daughter, L.

While we were preparing for marriage, we tried our best to learn NFP so that we would be ready, but I was four months postpartum when we married, and let me say that NFP while breastfeeding is pretty dang confusing, especially for someone who has never used it before.  It wasn't that we were not open to the idea of having another baby, more that we wanted to have at least a little bit of space between them. I have seen first-hand how tough it can be to have children very close together, and since I'm only 24 we really want to avoid parenting burnout especially this early in the game.

I charted until my cycle came back, but we didn't do much abstaining (the whole newlywed thing and all :) ).  I started cycling again when L was nine months old.  We felt that an 18-month gap was less then we wanted at that stage so we started using NFP to postpone another pregnancy, and man was it hard for us!  I know some people take to NFP easily and find it incredibly grace-filled, but I can honestly say we have had some of our worst stress induced arguments while abstaining during my fertile periods.  I'm not saying that this means it's not good, because it did genuinely help us work out some of our early marriage problems. But, our stress levels go up significantly while we are abstaining, and I'm sure we aren't the only ones who feel this.  I'm sure part of the issue is that we did not practice the whole abstinence thing perfectly before marriage.  We abstained for months at a time, but we did not have a chaste dating or engaged relationship.  So for us learning to abstain has had to come after getting married. 

We successfully used NFP to postpone pregnancy for six cycles. Somewhere in the middle of that sixth cycle we decided that a two year gap between kids was good enough for us, and baby J was conceived, and we have been frolicking freely while I'm pregnant. So, I have a pretty short experience with NFP, but let me tell you our short experience with it was, well hard. We have friends who have successfully used NFP to postpone pregnancy for years at a time, and I truly admire their dedication and self control.  And the couples pictured in those darn NFP how-to manuals always look so blissfully happy! However, this type of self control with each other certainly does not come easily to A and me.  I know that means we need to work on it when it is time for us to postpone pregnancy, but it often scares me to consider how many years of fertility remain to me.  I'm only 24, and many of my female relatives have had children in their forties.  I realize many women would love to have the 'problem' of an over-abundance of fertility, but it can feel like a different type of struggle. I have a few relatives, my maternal grandmother, and an aunt on my mother's side, who have over 10 children. And judging from the generous fertility of my mom's side of the family I know that mine will probably be similar (I'm guessing I'm quite capable of having a dozen children, finishing up in my early forties).  I know I could have over ten myself if we continue to have children at this rate--and I honestly find that thought a bit terrifying. 

Hence when I read Simcha Fisher's article, "The Grass is Just as Complicated on the Other Side" (http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/the-grass-is-just-as-complicated-on-the-other-side/) I really identified with the lure of contraception.  I'll admit that when my fears about being able to successfully use NFP for longer periods of time and of having more children than we can reasonably care for are crowding in, using contraception sounds blissfully stress-free.   In our darker times we have discussed using ABC. I often forget that contraception comes with its own set of problems and uncertainties. 

Although we have discussed using some kind of ABC before, we always come back to thinking that NFP is the best choice for us both morally and physically. A, again, reminded me of our beliefs a few days ago when he told me about an ad he saw on TV for some new contraceptive pill.  He told me how one of the side affects was 'death,' and how horrible he found it that we are willing to risk a woman's life to make her a non-fertile being.  He told me how he found the whole idea of contraception to not just be morally wrong, but to be blatantly anti-woman.  He never wants me to do something like that to my body so that we can have sex whenever we want. That's love!

Hearing his thoughts on this issue from a health perspective helped me to understand the respect using NFP brings to us for each other even though it's hard.  My fertile future is scary to me, but I know I've got an amazing husband to stand with me and figure it out with.  And when I read of the adverse affects of contraception physically and on relationships, abstaining doesn't sound so bad. 

--November

Parenting and maintaining a spiritual life

We missed Mass on Sunday.  It got me thinking about some of the difficulties of being a parent particularly in the spiritual realm.  Quiet prayer time (or any quiet time!) is dang hard to come by with a busy toddler and a host of other responsibilities.  Even Mass is often a distracted family effort, trying to keep L from throwing missalettes at the people around us.  We sometimes end up outside the church entirely when even the crying room can’t contain our little wild one.  I very firmly believe in going to church together as a family, so going to separate Masses is out for us.  But taking L to Mass means that the one for sure bit of time set aside for our spiritual lives each week is less than reflective.  

We didn’t go to Mass this last Sunday.  L and I both had yucky colds, but we probably could have made it.  The truth is we are both pretty tired of making it through Mass with our very active 21 month old, and the idea of getting to Mass, stressing until we had to take her out, then stressing that we were being too loud for the foyer just sounded like too much to handle spiritually.  In many ways, Mass has become something we just make it through lately.  The church closest to us doesn’t have a crying room which adds additional obstacles.  We usually go to a church farther from us with a fantastic crying room but they only have morning masses and L’s cold was especially bad in the morning. Still, I’m sure we could have made it to Mass if we had really tried.  But Mass has just felt exhausting.  I honestly felt like it was going to be a problem spiritually for us to go this time.  It’s strange, because we so rarely miss Mass.  I feel a little bad about it, mainly because I have a feeling we are going to have little kids around for a while and should learn how to make it through.

Our missing Mass illustrates very well the challenges we’ve experienced in maintaining our faith along with child raising.  I will admit I often feel discouraged about how we will ever become more faithful people when Mass has become something chaotic and stressful.  I’m sure we will learn better ways to cope as we continue raising children, and I realize that lots of people out there wish they could wrangle a kid during Mass. But this is my challenge right now.  And I feel like it was something no one ever warned me about.  I suppose it should be obvious considering how many times I’ve seen parents in back with their kids, but like many things in life it doesn’t seem real until you are in the situation.

However, when it comes to the day to day, I often find myself feeling faith in the mundane.  There is nothing like L’s smile to help me believe in God.  She is so innocent and beautiful that her very existence points to something divine.  I will find myself feeling philosophical and, consequently, faith-filled while interacting with her.  But my belief and my prayer life look very different now than they did before she was born.  Before babies, I can't say I had an awesome prayer life, but I was frequently in the adoration chapel, and I said prayers every night.  I sought comfort and guidance in prayer.  When I think of what I am meant to do in life, I know that I am primarily responsible to A, to L, and also now to unborn-baby J.  It’s strange to have such a sense of purpose in life, but also very good.  I am also struck frequently by the profound in dull moments.  Emptying the dish washer and watching L ‘help’ is a moment of wonder that this little person wants to be with me, and participate in my day.  

My quiet moments are few and far between, and I will admit I have little semblance of a prayer life these days.  But I feel like I am living a much better life than I was in my single college days.  I wasn’t particularly bad in college, just selfish like most young people.  Now every day, whether I like it or not, I am not just living for myself.  My prayer life may be awful, and I may occasionally miss Mass out of sheer exhaustion, but I can only pray that God can use my daily efforts at caring for my husband and children and make me better through them.

--November