...or How I Outed Myself as Infertile at November's Halloween Party
Whew! It's been quite a week filled with babies around here. If there's a recipe for me to feel both joyful and distraught, it involves taking my regular life and adding other people's babies.
Carpool Buddy had her baby two Fridays ago. Coworker had her baby this past Friday. All are doing well.
Then there were five children aged 2 and younger at November's Halloween party. There was so much baby/child/labor/nursing/post-partum NFP/"omg we're pregnant with #3" talk going on among the women, at first I was like "Crap! I do not need this." And it just went on and on! Husband and I were the only married couple without kids at the party, and there was only one unmarried couple! I tried to listen respectfully, then I made myself scarce, then finally, aided by a delightful mixed drink of some sort, I dove right in and outed myself.
Ok, so maybe it wasn't quite like "Hey party-goers, I'm infertile." But I made some comment about adoption to November and someone overheard me.
"Are you talking about adoption?"
"Yeah..."
"Are you thinking about adopting?"
"Well, not really right now, but maybe someday. I can't have babies, you see."
What happened next? To my everlasting surprise, no one in this super-fertile, uber-Catholic group pointed and laughed. Nor did they run away in the fear that it might be contagious. They got really quiet. They were curious, but actually respectful.
They asked if we knew it was me, and not Husband. (Yes.) They asked if I was seeing a doctor. (Yes.) They asked if I'd heard of Dr. Hil.gers. (Yes, my doctor trained with him.) (And of course, we don't know if we'll never have babies, but we've been trying for more than two years now, so we're technically infertile.) I told them about my surgery. They asked if I was praying specifically to Our Lady of Guadalupe. (No, actually. I'll have to add her.)
One of these women I've known for several years through Novie, and I always got the impression that she thought something was off about me, because where were my children?! In the end, I think I did this for motives that weren't really pure (are there pure motives for telling people you're IF?). It was to justify myself in this little group of ladies. A sort of announcement that I'm not not having children on purpose. I can talk about reproductive organs and sacrificing your body, too! I just don't have the living, breathing results that you get. Being surrounded by all of that pregnancy talk, having friends with two newborns, playing with those children, I just didn't have the strength to hold it in any more.
Um, plus, did I mention the liquor?
-January
Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
Pre-surgery Blogger Meeting
Yesterday, I discovered what I believe is the best thing to do before you have surgery. Meet with a fellow blogger!
Rebecca from The Road Home was driving through several states on her way to a retreat, and it wasn't far at all for me to come meet her for a pit stop that lasted two and a half hours! We probably could have talked for the whole weekend and not grown tired. I think the Bob Evans wait staff was a little bit relieved when we finally cleared out of our booth. At least three different parties were seated at the table right next to us while we were there, haha.
In all seriousness, though, I am just so thankful that we could meet. I've never met with another blogger before (if you don't count Novie), and Rebecca is just sweet as pie and kind as could be. She told me a bit about her surgery experience, which gave me confidence that I could get through mine. We talked about our shared dread of bridal showers as well as baby showers (remind me to tell you about the latter sometime soon). We talked about work, our excellent husbands, and our families. The best thing about it was that meeting confirmed that we were already friends; we just had to fill in some of the practical details.
A part of me wants to run through the streets yelling: I have a friend who knows what I'm going through!!! I promise to restrain myself. Rebecca gave me an important gift yesterday, and that is the gift of love. Sometimes, it's just too hard to really love yourself, your whole self, when it's apparent that you have problems, that something is wrong. But meeting someone who is praying for me and who has been praying for me even before we met, that's so powerful, humbling, and comforting. Thank you to anyone who has prayed for me on this journey so far. I feel so safe in God's hands going into surgery tomorrow, and your prayers are helping me feel His love.
Tomorrow at 12:30 is surgery time! I will offer it up for you, my friends.
Sts. Cosmas and Damien, pray for us!
-Jan
Rebecca from The Road Home was driving through several states on her way to a retreat, and it wasn't far at all for me to come meet her for a pit stop that lasted two and a half hours! We probably could have talked for the whole weekend and not grown tired. I think the Bob Evans wait staff was a little bit relieved when we finally cleared out of our booth. At least three different parties were seated at the table right next to us while we were there, haha.
In all seriousness, though, I am just so thankful that we could meet. I've never met with another blogger before (if you don't count Novie), and Rebecca is just sweet as pie and kind as could be. She told me a bit about her surgery experience, which gave me confidence that I could get through mine. We talked about our shared dread of bridal showers as well as baby showers (remind me to tell you about the latter sometime soon). We talked about work, our excellent husbands, and our families. The best thing about it was that meeting confirmed that we were already friends; we just had to fill in some of the practical details.
A part of me wants to run through the streets yelling: I have a friend who knows what I'm going through!!! I promise to restrain myself. Rebecca gave me an important gift yesterday, and that is the gift of love. Sometimes, it's just too hard to really love yourself, your whole self, when it's apparent that you have problems, that something is wrong. But meeting someone who is praying for me and who has been praying for me even before we met, that's so powerful, humbling, and comforting. Thank you to anyone who has prayed for me on this journey so far. I feel so safe in God's hands going into surgery tomorrow, and your prayers are helping me feel His love.
Tomorrow at 12:30 is surgery time! I will offer it up for you, my friends.
Sts. Cosmas and Damien, pray for us!
-Jan
Friday, June 1, 2012
Why We Blog Together: January
November and I have been discussing friendship, particularly between someone dealing with infertility and a mama. We've both written out some of our thoughts on how we maintain our friendship and why we blog together. Below are my thoughts. We would love to hear your own thoughts on friendship!
--
Lately, it seems like a lot of IFers online and quite a few of my friends in real life are becoming mothers. This is a wonderful and beautiful thing, and though it causes pain and jealousy in my own heart, I want to do nothing to lessen the joy of the occasion for them.
In fact, one of my biggest worries, particularly with my IRL friends, is that we won’t stay friends. I know rationally that my friendships are not currently based on our being parents or not; and I know that we could fall away from each other even if we were both having kids or neither of us were having kids. However, all IFers and former IFers know that there is a line that gets crossed when your friend becomes a mother, and no matter what you do, you can’t quite get over to your friend’s side.
I want my friends and family members with babies on the way to know that I’m still there for them. I will stand as close to them as I can from my side of the line and continue to offer my friendship. I know that our relationships are bound to change, but I do not want to lose them! (This is starting to feel like a battle speech where I’m riding a horse and raising my sword, hehe).
To that end, November’s and my blogging together is something of an experiment. We want to show each other and others how we stand close to each other on our respective sides of the line; that we can be good friends and support each other through everything.
Now, I know that it is not easy for an infertile girl to read about others getting pregnant and having babies and to see pictures and videos of first teeth and first birthdays. On the other hand, how tiresome it must be for those who conceive easily to read about poor mucus quality and medicine and the seemingly unending sadness. I suspect that our blog is not fun for very many people to read – the combo of mom stuff and IF stuff probably doesn’t fit a lot of people that well. We try to write about more than our respective places on the fertility spectrum, but I know that the vast majority of my ramblings take on a distinctly IF theme! (What can I say – ya’ll are my support group in a fertile, fertile, IVF world!).
Being close friends with November connects me more closely to motherhood. I love that she knows that I care about her and her family, and that she shares with me life’s triumphs and stresses. I admit that I’ve lived vicariously through her labors, her sweet newborns, and her sleepless nights. She doesn’t keep her motherhood behind her in our friendship; we meet each other at the line and she brings her babies for me to hold and play with. I love her for listening to me cry and complain about being infertile for, gosh, it would probably be three weeks of her life if all of those moments were laid side by side. I’m overjoyed when I see that bloggers who have connected with us while they were ttc or waiting to adopt have now become mothers, and that these ladies can now relate to Novie’s posts in a concrete way.
IFers will always need other IF friends, other waiting friends, because if you haven’t been through it, you cannot stand on our side of the line, and it can be such a lonely place. But I hereby declare that I will not let go of my friends who have crossed over and become mothers. Please don’t be afraid to stand close to the line. I will join you there.
-January
--
Lately, it seems like a lot of IFers online and quite a few of my friends in real life are becoming mothers. This is a wonderful and beautiful thing, and though it causes pain and jealousy in my own heart, I want to do nothing to lessen the joy of the occasion for them.
In fact, one of my biggest worries, particularly with my IRL friends, is that we won’t stay friends. I know rationally that my friendships are not currently based on our being parents or not; and I know that we could fall away from each other even if we were both having kids or neither of us were having kids. However, all IFers and former IFers know that there is a line that gets crossed when your friend becomes a mother, and no matter what you do, you can’t quite get over to your friend’s side.
I want my friends and family members with babies on the way to know that I’m still there for them. I will stand as close to them as I can from my side of the line and continue to offer my friendship. I know that our relationships are bound to change, but I do not want to lose them! (This is starting to feel like a battle speech where I’m riding a horse and raising my sword, hehe).
To that end, November’s and my blogging together is something of an experiment. We want to show each other and others how we stand close to each other on our respective sides of the line; that we can be good friends and support each other through everything.
Now, I know that it is not easy for an infertile girl to read about others getting pregnant and having babies and to see pictures and videos of first teeth and first birthdays. On the other hand, how tiresome it must be for those who conceive easily to read about poor mucus quality and medicine and the seemingly unending sadness. I suspect that our blog is not fun for very many people to read – the combo of mom stuff and IF stuff probably doesn’t fit a lot of people that well. We try to write about more than our respective places on the fertility spectrum, but I know that the vast majority of my ramblings take on a distinctly IF theme! (What can I say – ya’ll are my support group in a fertile, fertile, IVF world!).
Being close friends with November connects me more closely to motherhood. I love that she knows that I care about her and her family, and that she shares with me life’s triumphs and stresses. I admit that I’ve lived vicariously through her labors, her sweet newborns, and her sleepless nights. She doesn’t keep her motherhood behind her in our friendship; we meet each other at the line and she brings her babies for me to hold and play with. I love her for listening to me cry and complain about being infertile for, gosh, it would probably be three weeks of her life if all of those moments were laid side by side. I’m overjoyed when I see that bloggers who have connected with us while they were ttc or waiting to adopt have now become mothers, and that these ladies can now relate to Novie’s posts in a concrete way.
IFers will always need other IF friends, other waiting friends, because if you haven’t been through it, you cannot stand on our side of the line, and it can be such a lonely place. But I hereby declare that I will not let go of my friends who have crossed over and become mothers. Please don’t be afraid to stand close to the line. I will join you there.
-January
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Why we blog together: November
January and I have been discussing friendship, particularly between someone dealing with infertility, and a mama. We've both written out some of our thoughts on how we maintain our friendship and why we blog together. Here are my thoughts.
We have many different kinds of friends in life, and quite honestly most friends are circumstantial. For instance, in college I had many people I was friends with due to circumstance--we had a ridiculous amount of classes together, or we had a lot of the same friends and ended up at the same parties. With friends like this, we tend to have a lot in common in that present state. After graduating from college, I left most of these friends behind because we did not have that commonality of circumstances anymore. Some of those friends were more than circumstantial friends, and we have remained friends due to a different kind of closeness.
Similarly, I have a few friends that I consider my ‘mom friends.’ It’s nothing against them, but when we get together it is for mom and kid interaction. Now a couple of these mom friends have turned into real deep friendships which is awesome! But I find nothing wrong with admitting that some friends you have are circumstantial. You support each other in your current state and move on when you no longer have the binding factor.
My point is that I think IF women and mothers are perfectly able to be friends, they just may not make great circumstantial friends (unless different circumstances than fertility unite them). January and I initially bonded over NFP right before I had L. As we have continued through life, we have both encountered big changes, but we’ve become more than circumstantial friends. We have listened to each others’ trials, worries, and joys. January and her husband were the ones who brought A and I breakfast at 5:30am after L was born. January has always been supportive and loving towards me. We have moved onto a deeper friendship that is about supporting each other as people rather than circumstance.
I also think that the fact that we are in different seasons of life can actually give us both perspective. For instance when I feel overwhelmed by diapers and whining, by just telling her my little woes she reminds me what a gift my little ones are.
We initially started blogging together because we liked the idea of women supporting each other through the different seasons of our lives. Cattiness and competition often reign supreme between women, and we believe that the more bonds of love and peace we can form with each other the better off we all are.
-November
We have many different kinds of friends in life, and quite honestly most friends are circumstantial. For instance, in college I had many people I was friends with due to circumstance--we had a ridiculous amount of classes together, or we had a lot of the same friends and ended up at the same parties. With friends like this, we tend to have a lot in common in that present state. After graduating from college, I left most of these friends behind because we did not have that commonality of circumstances anymore. Some of those friends were more than circumstantial friends, and we have remained friends due to a different kind of closeness.
Similarly, I have a few friends that I consider my ‘mom friends.’ It’s nothing against them, but when we get together it is for mom and kid interaction. Now a couple of these mom friends have turned into real deep friendships which is awesome! But I find nothing wrong with admitting that some friends you have are circumstantial. You support each other in your current state and move on when you no longer have the binding factor.
My point is that I think IF women and mothers are perfectly able to be friends, they just may not make great circumstantial friends (unless different circumstances than fertility unite them). January and I initially bonded over NFP right before I had L. As we have continued through life, we have both encountered big changes, but we’ve become more than circumstantial friends. We have listened to each others’ trials, worries, and joys. January and her husband were the ones who brought A and I breakfast at 5:30am after L was born. January has always been supportive and loving towards me. We have moved onto a deeper friendship that is about supporting each other as people rather than circumstance.
I also think that the fact that we are in different seasons of life can actually give us both perspective. For instance when I feel overwhelmed by diapers and whining, by just telling her my little woes she reminds me what a gift my little ones are.
We initially started blogging together because we liked the idea of women supporting each other through the different seasons of our lives. Cattiness and competition often reign supreme between women, and we believe that the more bonds of love and peace we can form with each other the better off we all are.
-November
Monday, December 12, 2011
Bridging the Divide Between Abundant Fertility and Possible Infertility
My family is fertile. Dang fertile. Granted I have a huge extended
family, so it's possible some of my aunts struggled, but it sure doesn't
look that way. My mother has 9 living siblings (two deceased), and the
less religious of them have a couple of kids, while my very catholic
aunt and uncle have 11 children. Almost all of my married cousins have
had children quickly and easily, and a few are up to four children.
However, growing up I wanted to be a nun. Part of this was due to a childhood zest for holy things, and partly it was because I didn't want to have kids. I loved families, and I loved big families, but all the moms I knew seemed completely down-trodden and exhausted, devoid of dreams and imagination. Perhaps I misinterpreted the mothers in my life, but the idea that mothers ceased to exist as anything but caretakers rang true for me, and I did not want to be that. I wanted to be awesome--like Olympic gymnast awesome.
As I got older I realized that perhaps some moms were really doing what they liked and that it might be ok. Plus boys were suddenly really cute. In college, realizing I was probably called to marriage and not religious life, I accepted the fact that I would probably have to have kids, and probably a lot of them. And the rest of the story you mostly know. I met and fell in love with A, and we had a baby long before we were ready. I am now eight months pregnant with our second baby. It has been hard, and strangely perfect.
However, in the last few years I've realized that not everyone gets pregnant easily. I know this sounds naive to all you ladies out there struggling with infertility, but I really thought that having a hard time getting pregnant was really really rare. I knew it happened, but I didn't know anyone personally that it had happened to. When I was beginning college I found out my step-mom and dad had been trying to have a baby for quite a while, so this was my first encounter. However, they were not very open about it with me (I imagine it's not something a woman would want to discuss with her 19 year old step-daughter), and I assumed it was due to my step-mom's age (she was in her mid-thirties when they started trying). Another reason I had not encountered many with this issue is that at that age most of my friends were not married, and consequently not in the baby game.
In the last two years I have come to know two women who have struggled with fertility. First, when we moved into our house our neighbors had just adopted a little boy. Their little boy was only two weeks older than L, and I quickly started hanging out with his mom, M. She was very open about her six-year struggle to conceive before they successfully adopted. I was amazed by her openness and about the ordeal, and I asked lots of questions since she seemed so open. I was able to hear about her experience with endometriosis, struggling to conceive, learning to deal with pregnancy announcements,and finally adoption. January and I had already been friends for quite a while, but she and her husband were still avoiding pregnancy. She shared her experiences with NFP with me, and helped me find resources to use it post-partum. It was quite a bonding experience for us discussing such intimate things in our lives. She was overjoyed at the birth of our little daughter and was completely accepting of our unexpected pregnancy which was something that I really needed at that point. We often shared our struggles and joys in using NFP, and discussed life in general. She would often tell me of their discussions over when to try and have a child, and I would worry over getting pregnant again. When she told me in the fall after L was born that she and her husband I decided to stop avoiding pregnancy and start trying to conceive, I was ecstatic. I was convinced she would be pregnant within a few months and we could continue to bond over having children.
As months went by and Jan shared her disappointment at the many negative pregnancy tests and unwelcome periods, we've had to navigate how to be good friends to each other while going through different phases in life. We already worked on this while I had a baby and she did not, but it has taken on a new dimension now in her struggles to conceive.
And now to the point of this post, and our efforts to bridge the divide between the super-fertile and the sub-fertile. L is now almost two and we are having a second baby in a month, and Jan has been trying to conceive for over a year. I've gotten a glimpse into the world of infertility, with all it's crazy tests, and extreme heartache. It seems that in life there is often a divide between women with children, and women without, and it looks like dealing with infertility can make it even more pronounced. It makes sense when you think about it. I'm sure it is often heart wrenching for a lady desperately wanting to have a child to hang out with a woman who has a child (or two), and conceives easily. Plus since infertility is such a misunderstood issue, it's easy for us to say things that are quite hurtful to sufferers--from complaining about diapers to pregnancy pain, these complaints must sound petty to a woman who longs to change little diapers and experience all the ups and downs of pregnancy.
Conversely those of us with normal fertility don't always know what to say to a lady suffering with IF. Particularly for a Catholic woman blessed with loads of fertility, we are usually wondering if we'll be caring for toddlers well into our forties (I know there's nothing wrong with this, but as I've shared before, I find the idea a bit overwhelming), and trying to manage the craziness of raising babies and maintaining sanity.
So yes, all of this is against us being friends. But we need each other. One of our purposes in starting this blog together is to explore how women in different states in life can understand and support each other. We are women trying to live out faith, and our vocations well. And I hope as much as possible that we can be there for each other even across this divide. I consider it often, both with my friendship with Jan, and considering most of our readers seem to be from the infertility camp.
Here is what I've observed so far in relating to women with IF. First off, I try to listen as much as possible. And ask questions which is pretty easy since I know so little about actively trying to conceive. Listening and asking questions helps me to know what Jan is going through as much as possible. And when she shares with me, and I know I just don't get it due to lack of experience I tell her that. but at the same time, I have felt pain before, I have felt sad and rejected before, and although it's different than the particular IF cross I think that knowing how these feelings feel, gives me sympathy. As nervous as I get sometimes about my overabundance of fertility, I know it is an easier thing to deal with than IF. The pain is so intense in women who go through it. It is a truly unique kind of cross, and I can only marvel at their faith and strength. The desire to be a mother is so strong, and so admirable.
Although I can't fully understand the cross of infertility, I want to be there for Jan and others as much as I possibly can. I'm hoping that by staying involved in the trilas of each other's lives we can stay close and keep from being separated by the differences in our challenges in life.
To all you other ladies out there struggling with infertility, do you have any other suggestions of how to be a good friend to someone on the outside?
-November
However, growing up I wanted to be a nun. Part of this was due to a childhood zest for holy things, and partly it was because I didn't want to have kids. I loved families, and I loved big families, but all the moms I knew seemed completely down-trodden and exhausted, devoid of dreams and imagination. Perhaps I misinterpreted the mothers in my life, but the idea that mothers ceased to exist as anything but caretakers rang true for me, and I did not want to be that. I wanted to be awesome--like Olympic gymnast awesome.
As I got older I realized that perhaps some moms were really doing what they liked and that it might be ok. Plus boys were suddenly really cute. In college, realizing I was probably called to marriage and not religious life, I accepted the fact that I would probably have to have kids, and probably a lot of them. And the rest of the story you mostly know. I met and fell in love with A, and we had a baby long before we were ready. I am now eight months pregnant with our second baby. It has been hard, and strangely perfect.
However, in the last few years I've realized that not everyone gets pregnant easily. I know this sounds naive to all you ladies out there struggling with infertility, but I really thought that having a hard time getting pregnant was really really rare. I knew it happened, but I didn't know anyone personally that it had happened to. When I was beginning college I found out my step-mom and dad had been trying to have a baby for quite a while, so this was my first encounter. However, they were not very open about it with me (I imagine it's not something a woman would want to discuss with her 19 year old step-daughter), and I assumed it was due to my step-mom's age (she was in her mid-thirties when they started trying). Another reason I had not encountered many with this issue is that at that age most of my friends were not married, and consequently not in the baby game.
In the last two years I have come to know two women who have struggled with fertility. First, when we moved into our house our neighbors had just adopted a little boy. Their little boy was only two weeks older than L, and I quickly started hanging out with his mom, M. She was very open about her six-year struggle to conceive before they successfully adopted. I was amazed by her openness and about the ordeal, and I asked lots of questions since she seemed so open. I was able to hear about her experience with endometriosis, struggling to conceive, learning to deal with pregnancy announcements,and finally adoption. January and I had already been friends for quite a while, but she and her husband were still avoiding pregnancy. She shared her experiences with NFP with me, and helped me find resources to use it post-partum. It was quite a bonding experience for us discussing such intimate things in our lives. She was overjoyed at the birth of our little daughter and was completely accepting of our unexpected pregnancy which was something that I really needed at that point. We often shared our struggles and joys in using NFP, and discussed life in general. She would often tell me of their discussions over when to try and have a child, and I would worry over getting pregnant again. When she told me in the fall after L was born that she and her husband I decided to stop avoiding pregnancy and start trying to conceive, I was ecstatic. I was convinced she would be pregnant within a few months and we could continue to bond over having children.
As months went by and Jan shared her disappointment at the many negative pregnancy tests and unwelcome periods, we've had to navigate how to be good friends to each other while going through different phases in life. We already worked on this while I had a baby and she did not, but it has taken on a new dimension now in her struggles to conceive.
And now to the point of this post, and our efforts to bridge the divide between the super-fertile and the sub-fertile. L is now almost two and we are having a second baby in a month, and Jan has been trying to conceive for over a year. I've gotten a glimpse into the world of infertility, with all it's crazy tests, and extreme heartache. It seems that in life there is often a divide between women with children, and women without, and it looks like dealing with infertility can make it even more pronounced. It makes sense when you think about it. I'm sure it is often heart wrenching for a lady desperately wanting to have a child to hang out with a woman who has a child (or two), and conceives easily. Plus since infertility is such a misunderstood issue, it's easy for us to say things that are quite hurtful to sufferers--from complaining about diapers to pregnancy pain, these complaints must sound petty to a woman who longs to change little diapers and experience all the ups and downs of pregnancy.
Conversely those of us with normal fertility don't always know what to say to a lady suffering with IF. Particularly for a Catholic woman blessed with loads of fertility, we are usually wondering if we'll be caring for toddlers well into our forties (I know there's nothing wrong with this, but as I've shared before, I find the idea a bit overwhelming), and trying to manage the craziness of raising babies and maintaining sanity.
So yes, all of this is against us being friends. But we need each other. One of our purposes in starting this blog together is to explore how women in different states in life can understand and support each other. We are women trying to live out faith, and our vocations well. And I hope as much as possible that we can be there for each other even across this divide. I consider it often, both with my friendship with Jan, and considering most of our readers seem to be from the infertility camp.
Here is what I've observed so far in relating to women with IF. First off, I try to listen as much as possible. And ask questions which is pretty easy since I know so little about actively trying to conceive. Listening and asking questions helps me to know what Jan is going through as much as possible. And when she shares with me, and I know I just don't get it due to lack of experience I tell her that. but at the same time, I have felt pain before, I have felt sad and rejected before, and although it's different than the particular IF cross I think that knowing how these feelings feel, gives me sympathy. As nervous as I get sometimes about my overabundance of fertility, I know it is an easier thing to deal with than IF. The pain is so intense in women who go through it. It is a truly unique kind of cross, and I can only marvel at their faith and strength. The desire to be a mother is so strong, and so admirable.
Although I can't fully understand the cross of infertility, I want to be there for Jan and others as much as I possibly can. I'm hoping that by staying involved in the trilas of each other's lives we can stay close and keep from being separated by the differences in our challenges in life.
To all you other ladies out there struggling with infertility, do you have any other suggestions of how to be a good friend to someone on the outside?
-November
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